Limbo Land

I don't know where I am exactly, nope, I'm definitely in limbo.

I will start by saying that I met a lovely couple, just as I said I was going to in my last post. They were as fabulous as I thought they would be and we got on really well. I got a text a little while after we parted ways, saying they would like to continue forward with things. Yay! Again, always such a buzz to know that you've made such a good impression on a couple that they would like you to carry their baby for them!

But then I jumped straight back into my crazy life and weeks have slipped by with little progress from that meeting. They are as busy as me and we're finding it difficult to even talk about the necessary stuff, let alone e-mail or call to chit-chat. There's no animosity, we understand that the other is just busy and there's no pressure or disappointment where communication, or lack of it, is concerned but still. I'm in a bit of a hurry too, with the Scotland move coming thick and fast and being so far down the line with surrogacy in general, I just want to jump straight in and get to trying to make a baby!

The couple are complete newbies to the surrogacy scene which means that they are understandably cautious and need some guidance through the process on certain points and whilst I'm more than happy to do that, when the clock is ticking, it starts ticking even louder if you've got anything that slows things down. That's where I miss having a couple with experience or a couple that are wanting to do things at the same speed as I am.

Also, I met with K & B this past month too. I know, some of you will be sat with your mouth wide open and asking 'what the HELL?!' I asked myself the same question at first. It was B who made contact, with a text. I was not expecting that at all and it took me a few days to decide what to do, if anything, in response. But I did respond and it seemed that we all still carried some lingering feelings and thoughts from the match. I was the one who suggested coffee, before I could think it through actually but they agreed it would be nice. So we met.

And, it was nice - comfortable but then you can't go through all we did and not feel like you're amongst old friends when you meet up again. I mean don't get me wrong, and I think they probably would agree, what happened will never be forgotten - the good OR the bad but hating each other wasn't working for any us. They felt unable to move forward and so did I. When we met, we didn't even talk that much about what happened, maybe it was just too awkward or perhaps they just didn't need to do as much discussing as they thought they did? I'm horrible with confrontation and talking about feelings in person so that's why I kept quiet but when it was brought up, I tried to be open and honest.

I came away feeling peaceful about things, that was my over-riding emotion. It's changed a little since but for the most part, I'm glad we had that opportunity. It did throw me into a spin too, if I'm honest and it was strange that only 3 months had passed since things ended but it felt like it had been much longer. I think I'd pushed my feelings to the back until that point and seeing them churned them back up. I wonder if they felt similar.

Anyway, that's that really. I've no regrets about meeting them though.

So, back to my couple...I don't know where things are going to go and I tell anyone who asks me the same - no, I'm not matched currently but things are meant to be progressing. I am still keeping my options open.

I'm just hoping that one way or another, I have more of an idea by the time 2012 arrives because that clock is getting ready to call time on my journey one way or another very soon.

Keeping An Eye Out

I have now met 2 couples since my last post. One of which is sadly no longer able to continue with their surrogacy plans but whom I really liked and would have had no reservations in matching with. The other were matched shortly before we met but I don't think we would of been a match anyway as they don't meet the criteria I set for myself when looking at potential IPs. Lovely people and we are good friends but that was as far as it will go.

I've still got another couple to meet, things have been conspiring against us so far and we've made 2 dates now but both fell through for one reason or another. However we have tentatively set a new date for the beginning of next month so fingers crossed! I really like them so far but you never know until you meet in person and you iron out the finer details.

Still getting lots of e-mails from IPs and making contacts and friends within the surrogacy world but really, I'm just an observer these days. If someone sparks my interest or makes contact, I respond with enthusiasm and an open mind but I'm not actively pursuing a match any longer.

Stats

Journey 2:

Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)


Unmatched:

Cycle 18: Length: 23 and LP: ? (Not tracking ovulation)
Cycle 19: Length: 28 and LP: ?
Cycle 20: Length: 27 and LP: ?

Quiet

I'm not sure what I can update with but I stop by here and see that people are still looking so I should write something and being awake at 3am seemed like a good time to do it!

Coming here though doesn't feel great any more so I avoid clicking on for the most part, if I can help it. Perhaps it's being reminded what a long journey it's been, maybe it's seeing all over again just how craptastic some people can be? Whatever it is, I see things here that I would rather not be reminded of to be honest.

Life is so crazy busy here, I don't have time to stop to eat most days (which is no bad thing!), let alone sit down long enough to log onto the computer. I'm really enjoying all the new challenges that I've taken on in the past month though but it is leaving me with very little free time and making me wonder if perhaps my surrogacy plans are no longer feasible.

I already felt I had lost the enthusiasm for it, the end of the last match seems to be lingering and I don't seem to be able to completely let it go, and now it seems I have filled the the free time I once had, to devote to surrogacy too. Maybe things are all falling into place and making my decision for me.

I don't know how I feel about that, I don't feel devastated or anything, in fact more like it was a decision that was made in my mind a while back but that's taken me a while to say out loud.

At this stage, I do still have 2 sets of IPs that I've agreed to meet with and I will see that through with an open mind but if neither spark something in me, I'm going to accept it's over and move on with my life.

No-one can say I haven't given it 110%, sometimes things just aren't meant to be - no matter how much you want them and this is probably going to be one of those times. I owe it to my wonderful husband and 3 beautiful kids to spend less time trying to make others a family and more time enjoying my very own.

As the picture says, I need to let go of the past (surrogacy), to be able to embrace and love what is in my future. Continuing to have surrogacy in my life right now, only seems to dredge up and remind me of the bad stuff that has happened and perpetuates the negative feelings I still hold. Yup, it's a vicious circle and I think I want it to stop.

So, there you have all I've got to say right now. The next update will probably be a telling one, as to which way things are going to go so we'll just have to wait and see.

Stats

Journey 2:

Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)


Unmatched:

Cycle 18: Length: 23 and LP: ? (Not tracking ovulation)
Cycle 19: Length: 28 and LP: ?

Couple One

It's been a while since my last post and so I thought I had best stop by and update on things.

Well, I did meet one couple this past Saturday. They are lovely, we had coffee and spoke for a few hours and it was nice. They have said that they really liked me and would like to match which is always flattering to hear because you never know what people really think of you until that point!

However, I was talking to another couple first and they had already expressed that they wanted to meet me but are currently on holiday for 2 weeks and so out of fairness, I've told couple 1 that I would like to hold off on making any decision until I've met couple 2. It is only right that couple 2 are given the chance.

It will also allow me and couple 1 time to continue to get to know each other, which you can never do enough of.

I am finding it hard though to know how I'm supposed to know if a couple are right for me or not. I mean, I thought twice before that I'd picked the right couple and neither turned out to be! I almost have to go on blind faith and gut instinct I guess. There's no thunderbolt or violins playing to give me the sign unfortunately.

I was thinking the other night, why I didn't just throw in the towel on the whole surrogacy thing but my heart just didn't match my head I guess. When I walk away and say I'm absolutely done, I need to know that I gave it my all and couldn't do any more, it just wasn't meant to be. I don't want regrets and to be left always wondering.

The trouble is, there are so many things that go with making the decision to look for a match again and get back into all that that entails and I have to be honest and say that there are days where I wonder (and worry) if I've got it in me to go back to that place and do it all over again. And my life is so crazy busy still and about to get even busier, do I even have the spare time that surrogacy needs to be successful?

More importantly, I question whether I've got the same level of enthusiasm and commitment that I had the last 2 times. It's difficult to answer that and I sometimes wonder if I'm spurring myself on and simply talking myself into continuing when really I don't want to.

But, I guess I just have to leap into the unknown once again and do all I can do and that is to have hope - that I make the right decision, that I pick the right couple, to hope I am strong enough and believe that I will be at last successful - basically to just have faith and hope.

Unpredictable

It's funny how things can change and this past has week has definitely highlighted that clearly, in case I was in any doubt.

A very dear friend, who was a first-time surrogate like myself and who had previously been through failed, bad and simply incompatible matches too, found out she was pregnant. It was early days but there had been a viability scan that showed a heartbeat and a perfect baby in situ. Things with her IPs were anything but perfect but she showed a truly admirable attitude and maturity and kept her dignity despite very trying circumstances. She was simply focused on fulfilling her agreement with them and keeping safe, nurturing and then delivering their much longed for precious bundle.

But Mother Nature had other ideas....

She is miscarrying. My heart is broken for her, of course I feel sadness for her IPs too but for a surrogate and a traditional one at that, it's an extra tough thing to deal with. Aside from the physical consequences of actually going through a miscarriage, the woman also has to deal with the emotional side from a completely different angle than the IPs and especially in this case, where both my friend's IPs are actually male. You don't need me to point out how that changes the dimensions also.

And yet she is sadly dealing with all this without any support from the people who you would expect to be right by her side, the parents of the baby she was carrying. How any IPs could ever justify behaving in that manner, I simply don't know but they really should be ashamed of themselves. I've seen the proof of how they treated her as soon as she was pregnant and there can be no excuse.

My friend will of course be ok, with lots of support from family and friends and with time but she has said she will not continue with her surrogacy dream and it's not because of the miscarriage but rather the crappy treatment she has endured yet again, by yet another set of IPs. It has just shattered her desire to stay in surrogacy.

I'm still sad when I hear of experiences such as hers, not surprised that it's actually happened because it's happened to me, I know all about things turning sour and how you can go from hero to zero in a matter of days but just that so many IPs out there can behave in such cruel, callous, ruthless and downright disgusting ways. You think it's a rarity for it to happen but I know of so many surrogates who have been treated less than nicely unfortunately.

I know that not every IP is a bad apple and I also know that some IPs have been treated poorly by surrogates, neither of which is right. I know that somewhere out there, there are decent IPs, who will want my help and won't abuse my kindness or disrespect me and who will stand by my side throughout the journey, wherever it may take us and for however long and I remain hopeful that that couple do exist, we've just yet to find one another!

On that subject though, I'm tentatively coming out and saying that I have a meeting or 2 lined up. With 2 couples, both of who I will continue to be friends with regardless but hopefully, one of which may also turn out to be my next IPs. I'm taking things very slowly and am in no rush to match at this point but it's a feeling I've missed - the excitement of meeting up and of what might be, anticipation and hope basically.

So, keep your fingers crossed and I will be sure to update you, if there is anything to update that is! And of course, I ask that you please keep my friend in your thoughts, as she deals with the rocky end to a very rocky journey.


P.S - Mrs B, you can borrow my song of the moment, because you truly are a fighter. Chin up, my friend.