Journey 2:
Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Unmatched:
Cycle 18: Length: 23 and LP: ? (Not tracking ovulation)
Cycle 19: Length: 28 and LP: ?
Saturday, 24 September 2011
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
Couple One
It's been a while since my last post and so I thought I had best stop by and update on things.
Well, I did meet one couple this past Saturday. They are lovely, we had coffee and spoke for a few hours and it was nice. They have said that they really liked me and would like to match which is always flattering to hear because you never know what people really think of you until that point!
However, I was talking to another couple first and they had already expressed that they wanted to meet me but are currently on holiday for 2 weeks and so out of fairness, I've told couple 1 that I would like to hold off on making any decision until I've met couple 2. It is only right that couple 2 are given the chance.
It will also allow me and couple 1 time to continue to get to know each other, which you can never do enough of.
I am finding it hard though to know how I'm supposed to know if a couple are right for me or not. I mean, I thought twice before that I'd picked the right couple and neither turned out to be! I almost have to go on blind faith and gut instinct I guess. There's no thunderbolt or violins playing to give me the sign unfortunately.
I was thinking the other night, why I didn't just throw in the towel on the whole surrogacy thing but my heart just didn't match my head I guess. When I walk away and say I'm absolutely done, I need to know that I gave it my all and couldn't do any more, it just wasn't meant to be. I don't want regrets and to be left always wondering.
The trouble is, there are so many things that go with making the decision to look for a match again and get back into all that that entails and I have to be honest and say that there are days where I wonder (and worry) if I've got it in me to go back to that place and do it all over again. And my life is so crazy busy still and about to get even busier, do I even have the spare time that surrogacy needs to be successful?
More importantly, I question whether I've got the same level of enthusiasm and commitment that I had the last 2 times. It's difficult to answer that and I sometimes wonder if I'm spurring myself on and simply talking myself into continuing when really I don't want to.
But, I guess I just have to leap into the unknown once again and do all I can do and that is to have hope - that I make the right decision, that I pick the right couple, to hope I am strong enough and believe that I will be at last successful - basically to just have faith and hope.
Well, I did meet one couple this past Saturday. They are lovely, we had coffee and spoke for a few hours and it was nice. They have said that they really liked me and would like to match which is always flattering to hear because you never know what people really think of you until that point!
However, I was talking to another couple first and they had already expressed that they wanted to meet me but are currently on holiday for 2 weeks and so out of fairness, I've told couple 1 that I would like to hold off on making any decision until I've met couple 2. It is only right that couple 2 are given the chance.
It will also allow me and couple 1 time to continue to get to know each other, which you can never do enough of.
I am finding it hard though to know how I'm supposed to know if a couple are right for me or not. I mean, I thought twice before that I'd picked the right couple and neither turned out to be! I almost have to go on blind faith and gut instinct I guess. There's no thunderbolt or violins playing to give me the sign unfortunately.
I was thinking the other night, why I didn't just throw in the towel on the whole surrogacy thing but my heart just didn't match my head I guess. When I walk away and say I'm absolutely done, I need to know that I gave it my all and couldn't do any more, it just wasn't meant to be. I don't want regrets and to be left always wondering.
The trouble is, there are so many things that go with making the decision to look for a match again and get back into all that that entails and I have to be honest and say that there are days where I wonder (and worry) if I've got it in me to go back to that place and do it all over again. And my life is so crazy busy still and about to get even busier, do I even have the spare time that surrogacy needs to be successful?
More importantly, I question whether I've got the same level of enthusiasm and commitment that I had the last 2 times. It's difficult to answer that and I sometimes wonder if I'm spurring myself on and simply talking myself into continuing when really I don't want to.
But, I guess I just have to leap into the unknown once again and do all I can do and that is to have hope - that I make the right decision, that I pick the right couple, to hope I am strong enough and believe that I will be at last successful - basically to just have faith and hope.
Monday, 5 September 2011
Unpredictable
It's funny how things can change and this past has week has definitely highlighted that clearly, in case I was in any doubt.
A very dear friend, who was a first-time surrogate like myself and who had previously been through failed, bad and simply incompatible matches too, found out she was pregnant. It was early days but there had been a viability scan that showed a heartbeat and a perfect baby in situ. Things with her IPs were anything but perfect but she showed a truly admirable attitude and maturity and kept her dignity despite very trying circumstances. She was simply focused on fulfilling her agreement with them and keeping safe, nurturing and then delivering their much longed for precious bundle.
But Mother Nature had other ideas....
She is miscarrying. My heart is broken for her, of course I feel sadness for her IPs too but for a surrogate and a traditional one at that, it's an extra tough thing to deal with. Aside from the physical consequences of actually going through a miscarriage, the woman also has to deal with the emotional side from a completely different angle than the IPs and especially in this case, where both my friend's IPs are actually male. You don't need me to point out how that changes the dimensions also.
And yet she is sadly dealing with all this without any support from the people who you would expect to be right by her side, the parents of the baby she was carrying. How any IPs could ever justify behaving in that manner, I simply don't know but they really should be ashamed of themselves. I've seen the proof of how they treated her as soon as she was pregnant and there can be no excuse.
My friend will of course be ok, with lots of support from family and friends and with time but she has said she will not continue with her surrogacy dream and it's not because of the miscarriage but rather the crappy treatment she has endured yet again, by yet another set of IPs. It has just shattered her desire to stay in surrogacy.
I'm still sad when I hear of experiences such as hers, not surprised that it's actually happened because it's happened to me, I know all about things turning sour and how you can go from hero to zero in a matter of days but just that so many IPs out there can behave in such cruel, callous, ruthless and downright disgusting ways. You think it's a rarity for it to happen but I know of so many surrogates who have been treated less than nicely unfortunately.
I know that not every IP is a bad apple and I also know that some IPs have been treated poorly by surrogates, neither of which is right. I know that somewhere out there, there are decent IPs, who will want my help and won't abuse my kindness or disrespect me and who will stand by my side throughout the journey, wherever it may take us and for however long and I remain hopeful that that couple do exist, we've just yet to find one another!
On that subject though, I'm tentatively coming out and saying that I have a meeting or 2 lined up. With 2 couples, both of who I will continue to be friends with regardless but hopefully, one of which may also turn out to be my next IPs. I'm taking things very slowly and am in no rush to match at this point but it's a feeling I've missed - the excitement of meeting up and of what might be, anticipation and hope basically.
So, keep your fingers crossed and I will be sure to update you, if there is anything to update that is! And of course, I ask that you please keep my friend in your thoughts, as she deals with the rocky end to a very rocky journey.
P.S - Mrs B, you can borrow my song of the moment, because you truly are a fighter. Chin up, my friend.
A very dear friend, who was a first-time surrogate like myself and who had previously been through failed, bad and simply incompatible matches too, found out she was pregnant. It was early days but there had been a viability scan that showed a heartbeat and a perfect baby in situ. Things with her IPs were anything but perfect but she showed a truly admirable attitude and maturity and kept her dignity despite very trying circumstances. She was simply focused on fulfilling her agreement with them and keeping safe, nurturing and then delivering their much longed for precious bundle.
But Mother Nature had other ideas....
She is miscarrying. My heart is broken for her, of course I feel sadness for her IPs too but for a surrogate and a traditional one at that, it's an extra tough thing to deal with. Aside from the physical consequences of actually going through a miscarriage, the woman also has to deal with the emotional side from a completely different angle than the IPs and especially in this case, where both my friend's IPs are actually male. You don't need me to point out how that changes the dimensions also.
And yet she is sadly dealing with all this without any support from the people who you would expect to be right by her side, the parents of the baby she was carrying. How any IPs could ever justify behaving in that manner, I simply don't know but they really should be ashamed of themselves. I've seen the proof of how they treated her as soon as she was pregnant and there can be no excuse.
My friend will of course be ok, with lots of support from family and friends and with time but she has said she will not continue with her surrogacy dream and it's not because of the miscarriage but rather the crappy treatment she has endured yet again, by yet another set of IPs. It has just shattered her desire to stay in surrogacy.
I'm still sad when I hear of experiences such as hers, not surprised that it's actually happened because it's happened to me, I know all about things turning sour and how you can go from hero to zero in a matter of days but just that so many IPs out there can behave in such cruel, callous, ruthless and downright disgusting ways. You think it's a rarity for it to happen but I know of so many surrogates who have been treated less than nicely unfortunately.
I know that not every IP is a bad apple and I also know that some IPs have been treated poorly by surrogates, neither of which is right. I know that somewhere out there, there are decent IPs, who will want my help and won't abuse my kindness or disrespect me and who will stand by my side throughout the journey, wherever it may take us and for however long and I remain hopeful that that couple do exist, we've just yet to find one another!
On that subject though, I'm tentatively coming out and saying that I have a meeting or 2 lined up. With 2 couples, both of who I will continue to be friends with regardless but hopefully, one of which may also turn out to be my next IPs. I'm taking things very slowly and am in no rush to match at this point but it's a feeling I've missed - the excitement of meeting up and of what might be, anticipation and hope basically.
So, keep your fingers crossed and I will be sure to update you, if there is anything to update that is! And of course, I ask that you please keep my friend in your thoughts, as she deals with the rocky end to a very rocky journey.
P.S - Mrs B, you can borrow my song of the moment, because you truly are a fighter. Chin up, my friend.
Sunday, 28 August 2011
Stats
Clomid did indeed mess my cycle up....
Journey 2:
Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Unmatched:
Cycle 18: Length: 23 and LP: ? (Not tracking ovulation)
Yup, 23 days between AF. Ugh, I am just keeping everything crossed that it returns to normal next month. I have always been regular and predictable where AF is concerned and I like it that way, especially for ttc.
Journey 2:
Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Unmatched:
Cycle 18: Length: 23 and LP: ? (Not tracking ovulation)
Yup, 23 days between AF. Ugh, I am just keeping everything crossed that it returns to normal next month. I have always been regular and predictable where AF is concerned and I like it that way, especially for ttc.
Monday, 22 August 2011
Bumps Everywhere!
It seems everyone is pregnant around me lately and although I'm envious, I'm not bitter since I don't know their story for the most part - Perhaps they are a surrogate or maybe they had 4 failed previous IVF attempts, multiple miscarriages etc, I don't know so I simply think how pleased and excited someone must be, at the growing bump and go on with my business.
I have several surrogate friends who have recently fallen pregnant, which is great of course. We all know that people don't just one day decide to 'recruit' a woman, who was once a complete stranger, to carry their baby, on a whim. No, it's the end of a very long road for almost all IPs and that bump represents the realisation of a long-held dream. No, no begruding of that here.
I also found out that my first IPs have just had their BFP, with their new surrogate. Obviously it stings a little on a personal level and probably more so because of my current match situation but I'm still happy for them. They deserve it as much as anyone.
And if anything, all of these pregnancies have just made me want it that bit more!
I've been making contacts and talking to some lovely couples, it still doesn't come easy to me to be almost marketing myself but it's all part of the surrogacy journey. It might just be me but it seems there are a lot more surrogates out there lately too, I feel with 2 matches behind me so far, I'm carrying a bit of extra baggage for any potential IPs but it is what it is, I would never lie about my experience to date and there are positives to be had from picking someone who has been there, done that but not quite got the BFP t-shirt.
Sometimes fast doesn't 'win' the race, I know of some friends who got matched, felt they had found the couple and although they got pregnant quickly, it was anything but plain sailing, sunshine and rainbows. On balance, I'm happy to take my time, pick carefully and well and hopefully cross the chequered line with the same excitement and enthusiasm that I started with! Though of course, as I well know, taking your time does not equal a trouble-free path...things (and people) can turn in an instance and your perfect match isn't quite as solid as you thought.
Luckily, I'm being supported by some lovely friends in the surrogacy world and when I'm feeling like I'm fighting an uphill battle, I hear of another match or of another pregnancy and it spurs me on to try just that little longer for my turn.
I have several surrogate friends who have recently fallen pregnant, which is great of course. We all know that people don't just one day decide to 'recruit' a woman, who was once a complete stranger, to carry their baby, on a whim. No, it's the end of a very long road for almost all IPs and that bump represents the realisation of a long-held dream. No, no begruding of that here.
I also found out that my first IPs have just had their BFP, with their new surrogate. Obviously it stings a little on a personal level and probably more so because of my current match situation but I'm still happy for them. They deserve it as much as anyone.
And if anything, all of these pregnancies have just made me want it that bit more!
I've been making contacts and talking to some lovely couples, it still doesn't come easy to me to be almost marketing myself but it's all part of the surrogacy journey. It might just be me but it seems there are a lot more surrogates out there lately too, I feel with 2 matches behind me so far, I'm carrying a bit of extra baggage for any potential IPs but it is what it is, I would never lie about my experience to date and there are positives to be had from picking someone who has been there, done that but not quite got the BFP t-shirt.
Sometimes fast doesn't 'win' the race, I know of some friends who got matched, felt they had found the couple and although they got pregnant quickly, it was anything but plain sailing, sunshine and rainbows. On balance, I'm happy to take my time, pick carefully and well and hopefully cross the chequered line with the same excitement and enthusiasm that I started with! Though of course, as I well know, taking your time does not equal a trouble-free path...things (and people) can turn in an instance and your perfect match isn't quite as solid as you thought.
Luckily, I'm being supported by some lovely friends in the surrogacy world and when I'm feeling like I'm fighting an uphill battle, I hear of another match or of another pregnancy and it spurs me on to try just that little longer for my turn.
Monday, 15 August 2011
The Future
Since I was forced back onto the surrogacy sites, I decided to keep my finger on the pulse and found myself checking back in on them more often than I had first planned to. Am I starting to get the bug again, the desire to find another set of IPs - I think it's perhaps a bit too early but there is nothing wrong in keeping my options open and putting feelers out there, right?
I'm not sure whether to continue on the independent route though and that's a big thing that I really need to decide upon as joining an agency takes time. I'm in no rush but if I go that route, I would like to get joined up sooner rather than later and then take the time needed to really get to know any future IPs.
I have always been anti-agency for a few reasons though. One being that I don't like the idea of a stranger coming to my home, meeting my family and then deciding whether I'm good enough or tick enough boxes to become a surrogate on their list. They require a lot of information too, I understand why but some of it actually has little bearing on surrogacy in my opinion. Who are they to judge me and what qualifies them to make that decision about me and my intentions? Second reason is because I don't like the fact they charge IPs to join, and a lot of it at that. When you consider how much IPs are having to pay out for a surrogate already, every penny counts. So, an agency is essentially a business and that doesn't sit right with me and my surrogacy views.
But, I am seeing the plus points more and more. They vet IPs (and surrogates alike), weeding some out in the process and hopefully therefore cutting down on the potential for a match to fail. And of course they do the initial legwork for you - of finding IPs and introducing you first. The last bit is particularly attractive right now as the bit I feared the most about becoming a surrogate is having to put yourself out there and hope for responses and decent ones at that. I also hate the part where you're first talking to IPs and during the course of an innocent conversation, you explain things only to have an IP go quiet on you because it wasn't what they wanted/hoped for/expected in a surrogate. This way it is all down in black and white, on your application form, from before you're even formally introduced to each other and both can make those decisions privately, without the hurt it can cause.
I like the freedom that being an independent surrogate gives you though and I think I'm pretty good at the responsibility that goes with it and the knowledge you need to cover everything correctly - after all, I've got enough experience!
I've been looking at my blog during this time too, thinking how it may appear to potential IPs. I wonder if I should cut out some posts that although represent how I felt at certain points and were written with honesty, they may now work against me in the fickle process of finding new IPs and matching. Hmmm, I would feel like I was censoring myself or trying to hide something though. Another difficult decision. I hope that any potential IPs that may read my blog, as it is currently, realise that my former IPs left me little choice but to take the action I took and that it wasn't done out of spite or to cause drama.
As I've said before, there were no hard feelings at us splitting, none at all. That happens and is their right. The problem came when I found out they had already started lining a replacement surrogate up before I had any clue they were finished with me and that they were lying about me to these women, for no reason. I hadn't done a thing to them. So yes, I hope that people see the whole picture and don't just judge me for doing what I felt was necessary here on my blog. I have always said I would be open and honest here, after all, this isn't a professional blog, it's my personal diary of my journey.
I also wonder if they will read the Clomid stuff and click off. I've been thinking on this deeply over the past few days and I'm not sure that I ever really needed it. I think I just got impatient and caught up in the momentum of K & B and was persuaded into trying it before we really knew if I did indeed require it to become pregnant. After all, I have 3 children and all without the aid of anything! Even K used to say 'we don't know if there even is indeed a problem' and he's right. Considering we also thought I had PCOS when we first matched and look how that turned out!
Of course, if I go down the route of host surrogacy, that entire issue won't matter anyway since it's not my eggs that are necessary.
Anyway, at the risk of harping on about things that are in the past, I will move swiftly on - after all, this post is talking about my surrogacy future and I really hope that there is indeed one for me out there. I really don't think I'm done here, I can't imagine failing at my dream, one that I've had for so long now - I've some unfinished business here!
I'm not sure whether to continue on the independent route though and that's a big thing that I really need to decide upon as joining an agency takes time. I'm in no rush but if I go that route, I would like to get joined up sooner rather than later and then take the time needed to really get to know any future IPs.
I have always been anti-agency for a few reasons though. One being that I don't like the idea of a stranger coming to my home, meeting my family and then deciding whether I'm good enough or tick enough boxes to become a surrogate on their list. They require a lot of information too, I understand why but some of it actually has little bearing on surrogacy in my opinion. Who are they to judge me and what qualifies them to make that decision about me and my intentions? Second reason is because I don't like the fact they charge IPs to join, and a lot of it at that. When you consider how much IPs are having to pay out for a surrogate already, every penny counts. So, an agency is essentially a business and that doesn't sit right with me and my surrogacy views.
But, I am seeing the plus points more and more. They vet IPs (and surrogates alike), weeding some out in the process and hopefully therefore cutting down on the potential for a match to fail. And of course they do the initial legwork for you - of finding IPs and introducing you first. The last bit is particularly attractive right now as the bit I feared the most about becoming a surrogate is having to put yourself out there and hope for responses and decent ones at that. I also hate the part where you're first talking to IPs and during the course of an innocent conversation, you explain things only to have an IP go quiet on you because it wasn't what they wanted/hoped for/expected in a surrogate. This way it is all down in black and white, on your application form, from before you're even formally introduced to each other and both can make those decisions privately, without the hurt it can cause.
I like the freedom that being an independent surrogate gives you though and I think I'm pretty good at the responsibility that goes with it and the knowledge you need to cover everything correctly - after all, I've got enough experience!
I've been looking at my blog during this time too, thinking how it may appear to potential IPs. I wonder if I should cut out some posts that although represent how I felt at certain points and were written with honesty, they may now work against me in the fickle process of finding new IPs and matching. Hmmm, I would feel like I was censoring myself or trying to hide something though. Another difficult decision. I hope that any potential IPs that may read my blog, as it is currently, realise that my former IPs left me little choice but to take the action I took and that it wasn't done out of spite or to cause drama.
As I've said before, there were no hard feelings at us splitting, none at all. That happens and is their right. The problem came when I found out they had already started lining a replacement surrogate up before I had any clue they were finished with me and that they were lying about me to these women, for no reason. I hadn't done a thing to them. So yes, I hope that people see the whole picture and don't just judge me for doing what I felt was necessary here on my blog. I have always said I would be open and honest here, after all, this isn't a professional blog, it's my personal diary of my journey.
I also wonder if they will read the Clomid stuff and click off. I've been thinking on this deeply over the past few days and I'm not sure that I ever really needed it. I think I just got impatient and caught up in the momentum of K & B and was persuaded into trying it before we really knew if I did indeed require it to become pregnant. After all, I have 3 children and all without the aid of anything! Even K used to say 'we don't know if there even is indeed a problem' and he's right. Considering we also thought I had PCOS when we first matched and look how that turned out!
Of course, if I go down the route of host surrogacy, that entire issue won't matter anyway since it's not my eggs that are necessary.
Anyway, at the risk of harping on about things that are in the past, I will move swiftly on - after all, this post is talking about my surrogacy future and I really hope that there is indeed one for me out there. I really don't think I'm done here, I can't imagine failing at my dream, one that I've had for so long now - I've some unfinished business here!
Friday, 12 August 2011
Keeping Track
Journey 2:
Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Continuing with keeping cycle stats, so I can track what now happens to my cycle, without Clomid.
Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Continuing with keeping cycle stats, so I can track what now happens to my cycle, without Clomid.
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