Avoiding This

I don't know why but I have been, maybe putting it to type and making it publically known has been a little difficult to swallow but I said I would be full and frank in this blog and so keeping true to that, here it is.

So, cycle 3 has yet to officially end but I had a repeat progesterone test and it came back as no ovulation, or if any, very weak, so AF is not far away. That much we know.

It was like a punch in the gut if I'm honest and resulted in lots of tears here, since last time my result was good and we all tried so freaking hard to make this cycle a success, but there you go. Nothing if not unpredictable, me! As anyone with any intelligence knows, it's perfectly normal to not ovulate every cycle and that, along with possible poor timing of the blood test, could be responsible for the result. I'm OK with that, whatever the reason really is, it happens, can't lay an egg every time, right?!

And actually, I feel pretty great not ovulating strangely enough. I'm anywhere between 9-11 dpo (another site, despite my post below, says you should go from the last + OPK!) and I feel good. No sore breasts, no cramps and no moodiness - I'm so happy that people keep asking me what I'm taking! At least that's something positive from the downer of finding out you didn't ovulate I guess.

I was very pleased to have ovulation confirmed for cycle 2 this week though. There was some doubt there since my hormone level was just below the cut off level that the lab gives the Dr but compared to this cycle's results, I definitely did ovulate says the professional. At least that's yet more confirmation that I did indeed have a very early miscarriage last cycle. Along with the faint positive pregnancy tests, the late arriving bleeding and all the symptoms I had.

The Dr is confused though because I appear to have all the signs of regular ovulation - such as perfect OPKs, correlating mucus and cervical position and very regular cycles too. She was so confused by my clinical presentation that she is seeking advice from our local fertility clinic as to what their opinion is.

On the back of that, I was able to have a really good discussion with not only K & B but once again the (a different one though) GP at my surgery. We've decided that since time is of the essence - it's not like I'm ttc my own child and have years, that we would be proactive and as such, I've got a box of Clomid in my kitchen which I'll be starting next cycle.

Even though we have no idea if I do have any problem and the Dr agrees that given a year, we would more likely than not conceive naturally, I am pleased that we are giving ourselves the best of chances and hopefully not making ourselves wait for a baby any longer than we need to. And of course, if it stops us all having to experience a repeat of last cycle, which could of been for any number of reasons but rubbish egg quality or low progesterone spring to mind, then that's got to be worth giving the pills a go.

As K pointed out in his own blog, I've been at this surrogacy lark for 9 cycles of actively ttc and 12 in total and that he's conscious that at some point, I could say to stop the roller coaster because I want to get off. I'm nowhere near that point but never say never of course. It's not just about me but about my family and how it affects them, something that I'm always conscious of. It's a delicate balancing act for sure.

I'm not bothered about actually taking the tablets. I've tried Clomid before, when I was ttc my first. It did give me hot flushes and I was highly irritable but sadly, it didn't make me ovulate but there could be many reasons for that, that aren't applicable now. Such as, my weight was different, I had cysts on both my ovaries, I had irregular cycles, the Dr didn't increase my dose to see if that helped and the blood tests could very well of been done at the wrong time. And not forgetting that since then, I've had 3 babies without any fertility assistance so my body obviously knows what to do these days.

I've got a lot of friends who've been very successful in conceiving on Clomid which gives me hope. Our main problem will be timing insems, since we can't just have sex every other day (or infact any day! LOL) like couples trying in a normal situation. So, I'll be taking OPKs, tracking my Basal Body Temperature (BBT) and as soon as it looks like it's all systems go, K & B will be racing here to start insems. This is on top of having blood monitoring at the Drs to ensure I'm on a dose that's doing its job and getting the egg/s released. I'm going to be even busier this cycle, if that's possible.

We've also researched one step further if Clomid doesn't work. I've been in touch with many fertility clinics about what we could do next - mainly thinking ovulation induction on a more aggressive scale from Clomid. Most clinics either said that they didn't have a licence to help in a surrogacy type situation (they have to be HFEA approved - Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority) or they said that they would only help with something like IVF and the majority of those were in the London area - a good distance from me.

A lot of them were also quite brash and said point blank, they wouldn't help in our situation - which was pretty disgusting. If we were doing host surrogacy or if we were in a heterosexual agreement, it would of been different.

Anyway, regardless, we had considered IVF as an option, should it ever reach that point but realistically it's too invasive, it's too expensive and is fraught with hurdles such as having to present our case to an Ethics Committee at the clinic and quarantining of sperm. It's not really a viable option for us. Certainly not at this stage.

I spoke to a very local clinic who said initially that they would only offer ovulation induction(OI) to couples. I went home and stewed on that and then bit the bullet and e-mailed them asking why that was, that as a single lady, why was I not eligible for ovulation induction? I had expected a pointed reply that that was just their criteria but actually, was very surprised, and pleased, to receive a completely different response. They could help us as our situation was very unique and they could offer injectible OI! Thrilled doesn't explain my reaction to that news - after so many rejections.

After further discussion with K & B, we decided though that we would go the Clomid route for a few cycles and see what happens. It's the least aggressive method of OI and if it gets me ovulating every cycle, a good egg (or 2!) and helps with my progesterone the other end of my cycle then that's all good.

I'm excited, nervous, positive and scared all at the same time. It's a huge leap from just taking it easy and seeing what happens, to taking the first step on the ladder of assisted conception really. I feel like I've gone back 8 or so years when ttc my own which is very strange indeed. And of course, despite me knowing better, it almost feels like I'm saying that I can't conceive naturally, on my own. That's hurts a little. I know that neither K or B see it like that but more that I'm to be applauded for giving us all an even better chance of it working, and sooner, but there is still a part of me that feels the sting a bit.

K & B are right behind me and I know I have their full love and support, which helps so so much. I certainly can't ever of imagined myself wanting to go down this path with my previous IPs and I think that speaks volumes about the type of relationship I have with these guys.

So, medicated cycle, here we come! Eeek!