Blue

I wasn't sure whether to blog, I'm not feeling in a great mood tonight but then thought what the hell, my blog and I'm not afraid to use it. I know, you lucky lucky people.

I don't know what it is but tonight I just feel a bit down about this ttc lark. It's probably the dreaded final countdown to the arrival of AF that's the root of the cause of my mood to be honest. I'm 4 days away from her anticipated arrival. Bah.

As I've said previously, we're taking a break next cycle and the general feeling was that a couple of months would probably be enough for us all to sort things out and be ready to move forwards. I think that's a sensible plan but it doesn't stop a part of me wanting to say that really, I actually want to keep trying and not let another month (or 2) pass us by. I'm becoming a lot more logical lately though and trying not to let my heart rule my head, in a few areas of my life and this is just another example.

We've finally got our private consultation booked with the fertility specialist on the 21st of this month. I'm looking forward to it but with a sense of anxiety too, just because we've no idea what he may say or suggest and as I'm sure you all know by now, I don't do well with unknowns. The flip side is that we have to face the unknowns to then turn them around into something I much prefer, reality, even if sometimes it's not always what I want to hear.

If I'm honest, I think I know what he'll say and that is that the main problem is with my ovulatory issues. It's wondering what he's going to suggest as a way forward that gives me the most concern, since if we're talking IVF (which is the only Assisted Conception that 99% of fertility clinics licenced to help with surrogacy are allowed to offer), well then our ttc plan will need a major overhaul to say the least. Anyway, I'm speculating now, the good thing is that we will be talking to someone with extensive knowledge and who is very experienced and whatever happens, his opinion is most welcome and is sure to give us more to work with than we have currently.

So, why I am blue then? Well, it's pretty much same old if I'm honest, I'm just finding it incredibly hard going to see another month slipping by. I'm surrounded by pregnant women too, I mean, was there nothing on TV over Christmas, people. And if I'm finding it hard - with my 3 beautiful kids, what must it be like for K & B.

I know I can't keep riding the surrogacy roller coaster right now and that's why I think this break will be a good thing for me. I think it's pretty obvious to anyone who knows me that I must be feeling the pressure if it was me who suggested the break. I always fought the very idea (ask K my reaction to that suggestion last cycle!), being impatient to get the pregnancy party started meant that I saw a break as a waste of time and opportunity to get that BFP. But now I'm losing steam, not enthusiasm or commitment - that will never happen, just that my emotions are running on near empty and I need time to recharge my batteries and get my head back in the ttc game. I'm quite simply worn out. Yes, that's it, bottom line.

I can put my happy face on and be optimistic, give every cycle my best shot but inside, I'm finding it much harder than I'm probably letting on. A break - without the Clomid, pressure of insems, the horrible 2ww and armed with the answers we will hopefully get from our appointment, will help me to work through things and hopefully come back stronger.