Not A Good Day

My chart was picture perfect, my progesterone level was the highest yet, we only did single donor insems which were well timed and yet it didn't work - my plummeting temp and obligatory pre-af eye flare up both signal she is only hours away.

Today is not a good day, for some reason I am emotionally worse at this stage than I have been before (barr cycle 2 obviously). I cannot stop crying. I'm also fighting off a nasty chest infection that has been brewing for a few weeks and I am sure that isn't helping and add in that I haven't been sleeping well lately.

I didn't even get my hopes up either, I tend not to until I know for definite if I've ovulated and since I only got that news yesterday, I had no time to build myself up. So, quite why I am so upset at her impending arrival, I don't know.

So as I said, today is very much not a good day. My husband is my silver lining, I think he is surprised by how badly I have taken this one and is lavishing me with hugs and my favourite coffee and cake, bless him.

I also lost a friendship this cycle and had a major bump in the road with K & B. Still here, still fighting but also down even if not quite out.

I always wonder if I should post when I am down, my last IPs left me with a complex about being anything other than happy but you know what? Surrogacy is fucking hard, the reward is well worth the crappy times and the emotional rollercoaster - without doubt but it isn't all sunshine and + hpts after just a month or 3 of trying...well not for some of us and I want anyone who finds themselves with the months stacking up, to know others have been there and had to work that bit harder for the pee stick gold prize and that it's ok to be angry and sad and to vent it out loud.

Venting isn't being negative, infact I see it as the opposite - the old 'better out than in' thinking.

Some may even question my right to feel upset, when I at least have children but that doesn't make an unsuccessful cycle sting any less and yes, I know that K &B feel it even more but that doesn't make my feelings less important.

So, here my vent will stay, even if it doesn't help anyone else, getting it out helps me.