First off, I have to admit that this post now is not what it first was, I had written other stuff a couple of days ago and I'm sure a few of you saw it. But shortly after, my journey took a twist and the irony in the title meant that I just had to edit and talk about that news, rather than giving someone who really doesn't deserve it, any more of my time.
So, my news - I'm unmatched, for the 2nd time. I have a feeling of de ja vu but this time, I'm wiser I guess and experience has taught me that no matter how raw my feelings might be at present (and they are, naturally), it's not the end of the world and I'll move past this with time.
Whether I'll continue with surrogacy though has not yet been decided. At this point, as last time, I feel like I'm done. I've thrown myself fully into 20 months of living and breathing surrogacy, sacrificing a lot along the way, and perhaps it's time to accept that this just isn't meant to be and move on with my life. I've been down avenues I didn't think I would and this time particularly, I gave far too much of myself, in so many ways, which is something I see now, having the benefit of hindsight. Still, it's all experience and something to grow and learn from.
Nope, I can honestly say that I don't have a clue where I will go from here but it's not important to have that figured out at this stage.
I still, for the 2nd time, cannot understand why any IP would give up on a willing (and I think a pretty decent) surrogate but maybe it's something that I'll never understand. It isn't like it would make it any easier to swallow anyway.
I know failed cycles are emotionally draining but it was hardly like we had been trying for a very long time, in the grand scheme of things, having only had 4 good chance cycles, where I was ovulating and we timed insems well. Surrogacy and all it brings is something that you only really understand and appreciate when you're living it and I was a good few cycles ahead of K & B in that respect, since they weren't my first match and because of that, I maybe had that bit of extra knowledge about myself, my expectations and just experience of the whole process whereas they didn't perhaps? I don't know but it was a steep learning curve for them without a doubt and for me too at times.
Essentially, I think this decision was more about them than about me and I don't think I will ever know the full story behind it sadly, which means I have a lot of unanswered questions, as you'd expect when a match ends so abruptly. I try not to think too deeply on them though, I have no control over other's actions but I can control my reaction.
I know I did the very best I could. I wasn't perfect by any means but I gave 110% and although it wasn't enough to achieve the goal, I did myself proud and can hold my head high. Despite promises and the best of intentions, breaking up rarely ends nicely but I admit that I had higher hopes that it would be a different story for the 3 of us, given the close and intense friendship and relationship we had built. Maybe with time.....But who knows.
So, I'm sad nonetheless that it's come to an end and such bad timing too (school holidays, the week I've found out my real life best friend is moving, the day after AF arrived and on my son's birthday and the day before my husband's birthday too) but things weren't going well for a while now, for a few reasons. I know I've wanted to call it quits on a few occasions but I just couldn't bring myself to walk away and be responsible for maybe shattering the dreams of two people I cared so much about - The decision was taken out of my hands in the end.
I don't know what else to type really so I'll simply end this post by saying that I will miss them and the friendship and that I don't regret any of the journey we shared and by thanking them for the past 9 months - There are no hard feelings from my end and I wish them all the luck in the world, wherever they go from here.
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