Late Night Thoughts

Yup, another cycle, another negative.

Honestly, I just feel a bit over it all. I've been through the cycle emotion mill once again, I was disappointed and sad when AF arrived and now I'm back to being all whatever about it and just planning ahead in the cycle. It's business as usual, nothing has changed, the anticipation is over for another month and we're just back to the routine of my life as a surrogate - it's a bit sad thinking just how 'normal' this has all become to me though.

It probably sounds like I'm upset or feeling sorry for myself but really I'm not, it's just how it is when you've been doing it for so long, cycle after cycle. I'm alright, obviously not happy that we're back to planning another round of insems, I have to take yet more tablets and we have to endure yet another 2ww but it is what it is and I (and my IPs) just dust myself off when AF arrives and I carry on pretty much the same as I have been doing for the best part of 14 months - trying to have a baby for someone else x 2.

So, what have we learnt from the last cycle? Well, that NPC indeed produces every side effect under the sun! It didn't increase my LP, it didn't raise my progesterone levels and it didn't help me stay pregnant (if I ever was obviously). I was NOT sad to have to stop that stuff. Oh and it doesn't raise BBT temperature either, well it didn't in me.

We also learnt that it's true, having a triphasic chart is not a pregnancy sign and occurs in non-pregnant charts. Still, it was fun to get that message on FF, a first for me!

I didn't mention during the last 2ww but I used a different lubricant. Super duper sperm friendly, balances PH levels and nourishes sperm and all that other scientifically proven good stuff. Even if it didn't help me get pregnant, I much preferred it over pre-seed and it certainly couldn't of done any harm. I highly recommend it, if you're in the UK and want to read about, here's the info:

http://www.conceiveplus.com/

And we learnt that yet again Clomid 100mgs does make me ovulate but at what would be a natural ovulation level and not at an increased, medicated cycle level. Is that that problem here? Perhaps. I don't really know any more, I (and various IPs) have spent so long trying to find and fix 'the' problem that I'm not sure I even know what's what any more. All I know is that I didn't need any of this stuff at least 3 times over in my life, to get pregnant and have a baby. Maybe trying to fix what ain't broken, is breaking what is perfectly OK?

Why does it work for some people though - are they naturally simply more fertile than others, maybe they are just more lucky than someone else doing exactly the same thing? I mean, conceiving is a lottery, as I've said more than once on my blog before, it is simply fate. You can try and sway the odds in your favour but really there is nothing guaranteed to work. I think the fact that surrogacy is such big news and you hear about it is because it's a miracle it ever works and results in a baby and so when it does, it's shouted about and loudly - and rightly so.

It can seem so galling to hear of success after success in the surrogacy world but putting it into context, I'm sure there are way more attempts that end in failure than success and I just unfortunately seem to fall into the majority, rather than the minority in that sense.

So this cycle, our newest strategy is we're upping it to 150mgs of Clomid. Now, this fills me with trepidation. Like seriously. I don't like 100mgs and what it does to me and the thought of worse side effects makes me worried. Add in that I'm doing it on my own without medical advice and I'm even more jittery. Let's add in that it could well increase my risk of OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) and I'm more jumpy than a box full of Mexican jumping beans. Eeeeek. But, and you should know this about me by now, I have researched it to death, I'm confident that this will either do good stuff for me and/or will do me no harm and have balanced benefit vs. risk and have decided to give it a go.

We need to get me ovulating much stronger, which will be hopefully with far better quality and stronger egg(s), which in turn gives me a better chance of pregnancy, it will give me higher progesterone and that in turn will support any pregnancy better too - far better than NPC could of. It makes sense and I'll know when I have my P4, whether it's also true for me too.

I already know that Clomid makes me ovulate but it's not at the preferred level for a medicated cycle so in that sense, it's not doing its job at 100mgs. A general practitioner will not agree to higher than 100mgs, it's deemed a specialist's decision but of course I won't get a referral to get an increase approved - it's not that it's because it's the wrong thing to try. So, I'm going it alone. Hey, apart from standing on my head whilst doing insems, I've tried pretty much everything else so in for penny and all that!

Anyway, so here we go again - there's some lure to this surrogacy lark and despite failed cycle after failed cycle and all the things I do, I still want to do it all again every month - am I just dedicated or simply a masochist? Actually, don't answer that!