Early Days

I'm definitely in the not-so-glowing stage of pregnancy - between the crying for no reason, crashing waves of nausea that creep up morning, noon and (not often is it 'or') night, a huge cold sore that has taken residence on my face this past week and being constantly exhausted, well quite frankly, I look like death! Oh and hot flushes, I mean come ON, I expected them on Clomid but not when pregnant. I can't sleep for being so hot most nights (not forgetting the weird dreams and peeing 4 times a night in there too) and it makes me plain grumpy.

All for a good cause though, I mean I wanted this, I craved this and I put myself through hell each and every cycle for this and so although it's a bit difficult, I'm still so happy and know that it's worth the suffering.

Sometimes though, I do allow myself to think about what will come at the end and I'm not afraid to admit that I do feel a jolt of fear and it feels weird to believe that I will ever be 100% ok but actually, I've heard that this is very common during a surrogacy journey and that some of it is pregnancy hormones and some of it is just apprehension at facing the unknown. Despite all the soul-searching I've done over the past many years I've wanted to be a surrogate and the playing out of all the scenarios in my head, I have never actually faced handing a child over and I've no idea how I will feel until I'm doing it. I never think about or would want to keep the baby (it's never been mine and why would I want a baby conceived with someone I'm not in love with?!) and even when my stomach is flipping all over imaging handing the child over, never do I doubt I can and will do just that but it's the thought of what will go through my head and heart at that point and that's something that you can never pre-empt. You all know me by now, I hate unknowns.

IPs sent me a package this week, they've been feeling a bit like spare parts because there just isn't much anyone can do at this stage and obviously even more so in this type of situation but I told them I would definitely appreciate a package of Preggie Pop Drops and they were very sweet and got me enough to last me for quite some time! I'm living on these and Cherry 7up at the moment, I do feel hungry but have no idea what I want and by the time I prepare it, can't actually face it or even worse, when I do eat it, I instantly regret it 10 minutes later as it hits my stomach.

Weirdly though, some days I feel relatively normal and even second guess whether I'm really pregnant! Well, duh, obviously but it is strange to go from feeling really pregnant to totally normal.

They are coming down this weekend for the scan on Monday, we're all apprehensive but having faith because there's no reason to believe anything will be wrong and well, we're thinking positive so there!