Thoughts

I wasn't going to write this because it will probably offend or upset but then I thought 'what the heck, it's my blog after all!' It's difficult because I know first hand how this sort of post will be received and judged but you know what, I'm OK with that because regardless of what others think, at least I know I've stayed true to the spirit of the blog and held nothing back.

I don't even know where to start really but I suppose I will begin by saying that I've become distant from my previous IPs for one reason or another and although it's natural that we'll drift apart, it just feels awkward. Almost icky, for want of a better word. I mean, I am moving on and so are they - that's not a negative thing but I suppose I didn't believe it would happen so easily. As a surrogate, you are used to feeling needed and having people depending on you and so when they stand on their own and walk away, without you or even a glance behind, that's an uncomfortable feeling.

They are excellent parents and I did what I said I would, I kept my word to the letter and my job is done and I expected it to be this way - and, for the most part had made peace with that before it happened or so I thought but it's another one of those things, like much of surrogacy, you never know until you're there.

I guess I've just realised that despite good intentions and promises, you are just a vessel and a means to an end and things change quickly once baby is here. Sure, there's a connection, a bond that will always endure in one way or another but at the end of the day, you are just in their lives to fulfil a purpose, when all is said and done. It's a difficult realisation that you're simply no longer as important as you once were.

We've had our ups and downs and I admit to still harbouring feelings over things that have happened but I try not to dwell on them because at the end of it all - the effort and sacrifices were not in vain and a beautiful and much wanted baby was born and a family made complete but I think that's just it, as a surrogate you make most of the sacrifices, certainly the biggest ones, and you are the one who loses the most in the end.

I'm proud, exceptionally so, I proved myself right and all of the doubters wrong and I did something that so few people can ever say they have known the joy of but I wonder how much of myself I lost along the way. I think in this case, I gave way more than I ever got back by the end of it and that's something that I won't repeat again in any future journeys and is probably the bitterest pill to swallow. When you maybe only have to try a couple of cycles before you get that bfp, I can imagine it is probably all much easier when the relationship comes to an end. I wanted to believe we had something deeper and more special but actually, that was not the case.

But, this post is not meant to be negative but rather an honest reflection of how I am truly feeling at this point post-match and it's important to me that I recognise and record these feelings as they happen.