I slept bad last night - revising for a much dreaded maths exam until the early hours and when I did sleep, I slept funny thanks to a 4 year old taking up residence in my bed or should I say across my bed and woke up in a whole world of hurt this morning. This less than best start was followed by a totally crappy day - nothing went right and almost vomiting in the supermarket car park, a splitting headache soon followed and then by evening I was doubled up in the side/muscular/back pain that had been lurking since I woke up. Lots of tears and a nap later, I woke up to extreme nausea and yet more cramping below. Cue more tears, lots and lots of them.
I swear the next 217 days (or however many I make it to!) won't fill these pages with complaints but man, today has been ROUGH on the pregnancy front. I seem to of hit 8 weeks and from then on, it's been slowly getting crappier.
I don't regret what I'm doing, not for a second but it's hard when it's not all for you and you're suffering so badly. This will pass, I know that but for now, I'm wallowing in blog pity for tonight.
OASN: Scan day tomorrow! Hurrah! :o)
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Popping In
Feeling like a zombie still, I just feel so tired all the time, like absolutely exhausted. I'm sure the recent heatwave we've been having hasn't helped much either. I have been taking a cat nap during the day as and when I'm able but as a busy mum of 3, that's not been as often as I'd of liked!
Thankfully I officially finish my college course very soon, which means one less thing to think about and I'll also soon be dropping 2 other responsibilities I have which will give me some extra breathing space. It's nice to be slowing down just as other parts of my life are really spicing up - such as the babies and the Scotland move!
We have our repeat scan on Thursday, I'm feeling OK about it, obviously apprehensive but alright. If symptoms are anything to go by, there should definitely be 2 healthy ones in there still!
Nausea is also kicking my ass lately, which is the most difficult pregnancy side-effect to deal with for me. I'm almost vomit phobic and I sit there when it's hitting hard, trying to talk myself down - think deep breathing and lots of calming repetitive mantras. So far I've not actually been sick so I'm at least thankful for that.
I did have some quite strong cramping last night but I think I perhaps over-did things and spent far too many hours sat at my computer yesterday too. My poor uterus was probably just having a little protest.
OASN, I received a very unexpected but sweet 'care package' from a dear friend of mine in the surrogacy world, it was a lovely thought on her part and I hope that I can return the kindness when she announces her pregnancy in the not too distant future - I've got faith in you, Ms B! It contained energy tablets, bath and body goodies, good for me snack bars and the biggest bar of chocolate ever - I'm going to enjoy pampering myself and having a tasty treat in the evening, when the morning sickness allows anyway!
Looking forward to hitting the 2nd trimester in a few weeks, it's flown by considering at 5 weeks, 9 weeks seemed like an eternity away!
Thankfully I officially finish my college course very soon, which means one less thing to think about and I'll also soon be dropping 2 other responsibilities I have which will give me some extra breathing space. It's nice to be slowing down just as other parts of my life are really spicing up - such as the babies and the Scotland move!
We have our repeat scan on Thursday, I'm feeling OK about it, obviously apprehensive but alright. If symptoms are anything to go by, there should definitely be 2 healthy ones in there still!
Nausea is also kicking my ass lately, which is the most difficult pregnancy side-effect to deal with for me. I'm almost vomit phobic and I sit there when it's hitting hard, trying to talk myself down - think deep breathing and lots of calming repetitive mantras. So far I've not actually been sick so I'm at least thankful for that.
I did have some quite strong cramping last night but I think I perhaps over-did things and spent far too many hours sat at my computer yesterday too. My poor uterus was probably just having a little protest.
OASN, I received a very unexpected but sweet 'care package' from a dear friend of mine in the surrogacy world, it was a lovely thought on her part and I hope that I can return the kindness when she announces her pregnancy in the not too distant future - I've got faith in you, Ms B! It contained energy tablets, bath and body goodies, good for me snack bars and the biggest bar of chocolate ever - I'm going to enjoy pampering myself and having a tasty treat in the evening, when the morning sickness allows anyway!
Looking forward to hitting the 2nd trimester in a few weeks, it's flown by considering at 5 weeks, 9 weeks seemed like an eternity away!
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
10k!
Couldn't let the occasion pass without mention so hurrah for 10,000 hits on my blog and thanks to everyone who has stopped by and followed me on this crazy journey so far!
Feeling Good
In fact I'm starting to worry that I feel a bit too good for carrying twins but I'll take it! Honestly though, apart from fleeting nausea and still feeling tired, I feel perfectly normal - this stage of pregnancy often feels like that though so I'm trying not to worry.
Not much to report, 8 weeks tomorrow and we have our repeat scan in 9 days and our first midwife appointment in 15 days so lots to look forward to, just have to hang in there and keep ticking off each week as it comes.
I did tell our 3 children about the babies, I was in two minds but the oldest 2 had their basic sex ed yesterday at school so we were already talking about babies and our bodies so it seemed like the time was right. They were thrilled and asked lots of basic childlike questions, I answered openly and they seemed happy with the explanation and that was that. I wasn't sure how much my 4 year old took in but today, in the middle of the pharmacy he looked up at me and said 'you still got those babies in your tummy, Mummy?' Love him, love them all, they have taken the entire surrogacy thing in their stride and I'm confident that with reinforcement, there will be no issues with the outcome either.
I was also brave this past week and told some people in the online community about being pregnant, I am apprehensive because it is still early days but I feel optimistic and wanted to share with others who I know will be a source of support over the coming few months but I still don't feel like I belong, I have to keep reminding myself that I am now a successful surrogate, I am going to have a baby!
This week I also had the strange urge to take another pregnancy test. I know, I know, crazy isn't it but there you go, I can blame the hormones! Anyway, for a laugh I bought a cheap one from a cheap store here in the UK and had to chuckle when the result line came out surprisingly light considering I'm 8 weeks pregnant with twins. Just goes to show, cheap tests, although usually accurate, are no match for the well-known and more expensive brands.
Not much to report, 8 weeks tomorrow and we have our repeat scan in 9 days and our first midwife appointment in 15 days so lots to look forward to, just have to hang in there and keep ticking off each week as it comes.
I did tell our 3 children about the babies, I was in two minds but the oldest 2 had their basic sex ed yesterday at school so we were already talking about babies and our bodies so it seemed like the time was right. They were thrilled and asked lots of basic childlike questions, I answered openly and they seemed happy with the explanation and that was that. I wasn't sure how much my 4 year old took in but today, in the middle of the pharmacy he looked up at me and said 'you still got those babies in your tummy, Mummy?' Love him, love them all, they have taken the entire surrogacy thing in their stride and I'm confident that with reinforcement, there will be no issues with the outcome either.
I was also brave this past week and told some people in the online community about being pregnant, I am apprehensive because it is still early days but I feel optimistic and wanted to share with others who I know will be a source of support over the coming few months but I still don't feel like I belong, I have to keep reminding myself that I am now a successful surrogate, I am going to have a baby!
This week I also had the strange urge to take another pregnancy test. I know, I know, crazy isn't it but there you go, I can blame the hormones! Anyway, for a laugh I bought a cheap one from a cheap store here in the UK and had to chuckle when the result line came out surprisingly light considering I'm 8 weeks pregnant with twins. Just goes to show, cheap tests, although usually accurate, are no match for the well-known and more expensive brands.
Wednesday, 16 May 2012
Coming Clean
I guess it's time that I confirm who my IPs are and now is as good a time as any since they are the cause (well half of it!) of the smallies currently trying to eject my stomach contents out of my poor tummy! LOL.
I'm sure some of you have your suspicions anyway and so it won't come as a shock that it's K & B. I'm not ashamed, it's really no-one's business but as a courtesy to those who supported me through the split, I felt it wasn't right keeping it under wraps any longer.
As I wrote about before in my blog, they initially made contact with me before Christmas because they realised that how things went between us was not what they (or I) wanted and that we missed each other. It's not about who apologised or approached who first, it's the fact that we both realised what we had lost and what we could to achieve together and made a decision to start trying to rebuild our friendship and see where it took us.
Also as I wrote about in my blog before, I did look at other couples and matching and starting afresh but I just didn't have it in me to start from square 1 with a new couple and especially with the clock ticking before my big move to Scotland. It made sense to stick with what I knew and I don't regret it.
I could of matched with a new couple easily but surrogacy for me isn't a business transaction and so it doesn't matter who the couple are, so long as they are signing the compensation cheque - no, I need to feel a connection with a couple and feel like we're all on the same page and with K & B, that was always the case. I need that to feel comfortable with handing a child over to its parents. Maybe it's just me but that's how it's always been for me as a surrogate.
Honestly, you have to be involved in surrogacy personally to truly understand the emotions and attachments that often go with it, I can't explain it to people good enough to do it justice but I felt something with K & B that I didn't feel with anyone before or since.
I have never doubted K & B will be fabulous parents and that never changed even when we split, I just felt that they had their priorities wrong and we all agree we got in a bit deep and things got blurred and then, well, frankly it just all blew apart and in a totally less than mature way on all counts but we all make mistakes, I know I certainly have and I wasn't going to let what was otherwise a fantastic match, pass me by based on one major fuck up. It's also worth saying that our match is stronger than ever, there are no skeletons in the closet, there is no worry that they say and do one thing and mean another - we all know that we can be open and honest about everything and that we can work through even the most testing of times and stick together, so that's something positive that came from what was a horrible time for us all. Oh and now we have made not one but two babies together, an awesome team if ever there was one I reckon!
I feel much better having spilt the beans, I didn't keep it quiet because I am ashamed but more that I didn't feel I had to explain it on my blog and it didn't really matter either but I've never been one to cover things up on my blog and it felt uncomfortable knowing I was at this super special time.
I'm sure some of you have your suspicions anyway and so it won't come as a shock that it's K & B. I'm not ashamed, it's really no-one's business but as a courtesy to those who supported me through the split, I felt it wasn't right keeping it under wraps any longer.
As I wrote about before in my blog, they initially made contact with me before Christmas because they realised that how things went between us was not what they (or I) wanted and that we missed each other. It's not about who apologised or approached who first, it's the fact that we both realised what we had lost and what we could to achieve together and made a decision to start trying to rebuild our friendship and see where it took us.
Also as I wrote about in my blog before, I did look at other couples and matching and starting afresh but I just didn't have it in me to start from square 1 with a new couple and especially with the clock ticking before my big move to Scotland. It made sense to stick with what I knew and I don't regret it.
I could of matched with a new couple easily but surrogacy for me isn't a business transaction and so it doesn't matter who the couple are, so long as they are signing the compensation cheque - no, I need to feel a connection with a couple and feel like we're all on the same page and with K & B, that was always the case. I need that to feel comfortable with handing a child over to its parents. Maybe it's just me but that's how it's always been for me as a surrogate.
Honestly, you have to be involved in surrogacy personally to truly understand the emotions and attachments that often go with it, I can't explain it to people good enough to do it justice but I felt something with K & B that I didn't feel with anyone before or since.
I have never doubted K & B will be fabulous parents and that never changed even when we split, I just felt that they had their priorities wrong and we all agree we got in a bit deep and things got blurred and then, well, frankly it just all blew apart and in a totally less than mature way on all counts but we all make mistakes, I know I certainly have and I wasn't going to let what was otherwise a fantastic match, pass me by based on one major fuck up. It's also worth saying that our match is stronger than ever, there are no skeletons in the closet, there is no worry that they say and do one thing and mean another - we all know that we can be open and honest about everything and that we can work through even the most testing of times and stick together, so that's something positive that came from what was a horrible time for us all. Oh and now we have made not one but two babies together, an awesome team if ever there was one I reckon!
I feel much better having spilt the beans, I didn't keep it quiet because I am ashamed but more that I didn't feel I had to explain it on my blog and it didn't really matter either but I've never been one to cover things up on my blog and it felt uncomfortable knowing I was at this super special time.
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Scan Madness!
Anyway, so IPs and I had a nice time catching up, it was obvious that the scan was the only thing on our minds and we were all tense with a mixture of excitement and apprehension. I had a slight hormonal meltdown the night before the scan, crying and anxiety overwhelmed me and it sounds like my poor IPs had as bad a night as me.
Our appointment wasn't until the afternoon and so we had some lunch before heading to the hospital. Lovely midwife met us as we walked into the clinic area which was sweet, I really feel a connection to her and I know that my IPs found her as great as I do. It's amazing how someone 'just doing their job' can make such a difference to people and they don't even realise it, we made sure that we thanked her more than once during our appointment.
The scan door opened, we all walked in feeling so so nervous - the room was tiny and the lovely midwife, myself, 2 x IPs and the sonographer all squeezed in and I didn't have any hesitation about getting my less than flattering tummy out, I just wanted to start with the scan so we could see what we were all hoping we would!
The sonographer made sure she addressed my IPs and included them from the start, for which I was grateful, you just never know how these things will go and people will act.
One IP sat down, holding my arm and the other stood and none of us looked at each other but we watched the screen intently instead and straight away, we saw their baby! Yes, a beautiful, teeny, fuzzy blob with its flickering heartbeat. Oh, if you could of felt the tension drain away in the room, it would of been immense.
The sonographer took her time, measuring several times and told us the size estimation - it doesn't quite match up with what we were expecting but these scans can be +/- 6 days and it's difficult to get an accurate measurement at this early stage too so we weren't overly concerned and nor was she. And as I've said before, we're unsure of which day I ovulated - with FF giving me one day based on my temps and me being sure it's another.
All jokes about multiples aside, IP said 'but there's just the one?' to the tech and which she said 'yes, just the one' and I said 'well my husband won't be pleased then, he had £20 on triplets!'. The sonographer then proceeded to continue with looking at the bean. She moved to another area that both IP and I had clocked from the start of the scan but both said nothing and straight away she said 'actually...I think there's another!' I let out a tear, it felt like it literally shot out of me from the shock. IP grabbed my hand and I didn't dare look at them for fear of turning into a sobbing wreck so we all just kept our eyes on the screen, mesmerised as the tech took measurements from the second. That one measures ahead of what we thought I was but again, the tech explained that there are reasons for that and it is common.
Our sonographer was so lovely, she took ages checking sizes and looking around and got some pics for my IPs and then told us that the lovely midwife (who I should give a name to!), Kathy would see us shortly for a quick chat.
As IPs and I left the room in a complete happy, shell-shocked daze, we couldn't take it in. I promptly cried and then told them I didn't know why I was crying, this was happy news!
Kathy has booked us in for another scan in 2 weeks, which is lovely and we'll hopefully see appropriate growth/catching up of the first bean and that will put our minds at ease a little. She didn't seem concerned about the differences in size of the 2 and it could be that I ovulated twice in fact and one fertilized and implanted later than the other - you just don't know. Google supports that it's common and we've no reason to be anything other than optimistic. Both babies had good heartbeats and so that's encouraging too.
The day after the shock before and we're all doing OK I think, shocked still of course but very happy. Honestly, I shouldn't be surprised - nothing about the journey has been textbook and why would that stop now I'm actually pregnant!
Lots of things to consider and things whizzing through all of our minds but we're just holding tight, continuing to enjoy the moment and hoping for great news at the next scan.
Saturday, 12 May 2012
Early Days
I'm definitely in the not-so-glowing stage of pregnancy - between the crying for no reason, crashing waves of nausea that creep up morning, noon and (not often is it 'or') night, a huge cold sore that has taken residence on my face this past week and being constantly exhausted, well quite frankly, I look like death! Oh and hot flushes, I mean come ON, I expected them on Clomid but not when pregnant. I can't sleep for being so hot most nights (not forgetting the weird dreams and peeing 4 times a night in there too) and it makes me plain grumpy.
All for a good cause though, I mean I wanted this, I craved this and I put myself through hell each and every cycle for this and so although it's a bit difficult, I'm still so happy and know that it's worth the suffering.
Sometimes though, I do allow myself to think about what will come at the end and I'm not afraid to admit that I do feel a jolt of fear and it feels weird to believe that I will ever be 100% ok but actually, I've heard that this is very common during a surrogacy journey and that some of it is pregnancy hormones and some of it is just apprehension at facing the unknown. Despite all the soul-searching I've done over the past many years I've wanted to be a surrogate and the playing out of all the scenarios in my head, I have never actually faced handing a child over and I've no idea how I will feel until I'm doing it. I never think about or would want to keep the baby (it's never been mine and why would I want a baby conceived with someone I'm not in love with?!) and even when my stomach is flipping all over imaging handing the child over, never do I doubt I can and will do just that but it's the thought of what will go through my head and heart at that point and that's something that you can never pre-empt. You all know me by now, I hate unknowns.
IPs sent me a package this week, they've been feeling a bit like spare parts because there just isn't much anyone can do at this stage and obviously even more so in this type of situation but I told them I would definitely appreciate a package of Preggie Pop Drops and they were very sweet and got me enough to last me for quite some time! I'm living on these and Cherry 7up at the moment, I do feel hungry but have no idea what I want and by the time I prepare it, can't actually face it or even worse, when I do eat it, I instantly regret it 10 minutes later as it hits my stomach.
Weirdly though, some days I feel relatively normal and even second guess whether I'm really pregnant! Well, duh, obviously but it is strange to go from feeling really pregnant to totally normal.
They are coming down this weekend for the scan on Monday, we're all apprehensive but having faith because there's no reason to believe anything will be wrong and well, we're thinking positive so there!
All for a good cause though, I mean I wanted this, I craved this and I put myself through hell each and every cycle for this and so although it's a bit difficult, I'm still so happy and know that it's worth the suffering.
Sometimes though, I do allow myself to think about what will come at the end and I'm not afraid to admit that I do feel a jolt of fear and it feels weird to believe that I will ever be 100% ok but actually, I've heard that this is very common during a surrogacy journey and that some of it is pregnancy hormones and some of it is just apprehension at facing the unknown. Despite all the soul-searching I've done over the past many years I've wanted to be a surrogate and the playing out of all the scenarios in my head, I have never actually faced handing a child over and I've no idea how I will feel until I'm doing it. I never think about or would want to keep the baby (it's never been mine and why would I want a baby conceived with someone I'm not in love with?!) and even when my stomach is flipping all over imaging handing the child over, never do I doubt I can and will do just that but it's the thought of what will go through my head and heart at that point and that's something that you can never pre-empt. You all know me by now, I hate unknowns.
IPs sent me a package this week, they've been feeling a bit like spare parts because there just isn't much anyone can do at this stage and obviously even more so in this type of situation but I told them I would definitely appreciate a package of Preggie Pop Drops and they were very sweet and got me enough to last me for quite some time! I'm living on these and Cherry 7up at the moment, I do feel hungry but have no idea what I want and by the time I prepare it, can't actually face it or even worse, when I do eat it, I instantly regret it 10 minutes later as it hits my stomach.
Weirdly though, some days I feel relatively normal and even second guess whether I'm really pregnant! Well, duh, obviously but it is strange to go from feeling really pregnant to totally normal.
They are coming down this weekend for the scan on Monday, we're all apprehensive but having faith because there's no reason to believe anything will be wrong and well, we're thinking positive so there!
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