Pity Party For One!

We are still yet to get the hang of these injections. This is the beauty I'm currently sporting. Well, 1 of 2 of the really bad ones. How can one small (well, ish) needle make such a mark! I do know the medical answer to that - it's because it's a blood thinner but yeah..Oh and I bang them all the flipping time because of where they are, if I'm washing up then they hit the counter top, if I'm bending over to pick toys up then they hurt, when I wear jeans they are tight on the sore spots, if I turn over then they hurt. Yeah, they plain ole' hurt.

If anyone has any BTDT tips for making the jabbing less painful and less damaging, do share please.

Day 14 - Moving On

My stash of blood thinning injections - this stash was bigger believe it or not and now after 2 weeks, this is what it's reduced to, if you can call it reduced. 28 down, another 56 to go.

And this is what my tummy looks like after 27 needles have been jabbed into it -  I tried (and failed!) to put an arrow by each jab spot/bruise so that's the little arrows you can see. As I said, only 27 because I had one in my thigh so that doesn't count! I took this photo a few days ago though and I have bruises everywhere on my stomach currently. I took the photo in poor light so take my word for it, it doesn't do them justice but you can see a couple of the huge ones I'm currently sporting.

I'm still feeling funky and will be seeking a doctors appointment tomorrow for the physical stuff that's going on, that I talked about in yesterday's post. I would of done it today but I couldn't get an appointment this afternoon and besides, I had a child home sick and I wouldn't bring him along to that type of appointment of course. 

As for the other stuff, still feeling crappy about it but I got some good,neutral advice and view points and perhaps I was over-thinking things and being over-sensitive after all and if not, it's something I can deal with another day, when I'm in a more rational and less hormonal frame of mind.

A friend said the following to me yesterday when discussing surrogacy and it rang true, actually if I'm honest, it made me cry but in a therapeutic way - she put into words, what I was feeling really:

'I also don't think there is any way they could understand how it feels, hormones raging, the unique loneliness of having the child you literally spent the last 9 months with gone'.

Yep, that sums it up. It's not that I miss him - having a baby, it's just the physical fact that I have nothing inside or now out, either. My hubby went back to work tonight for the first time since the birth and in one way, I'm glad to have some routine and normality and I know he was ready to return but it was another thing that signals that life's gone back to normal.

As I said a few posts back, I was going to do a post-a-day, for 14 days so I could chart how I was dealing with the post-birth stuff so this will be my last daily post. I will be back as and when I've got something to say - which won't be in the distant future I'm sure.

I've got to make some major decisions regarding surrogacy and whether I move on to another journey or not but that decision depends on what other decisions I make regarding moving, getting physically well fully, whether I want to take a break first etc and as yet, I'm undecided on that stuff or it's out of my hands right now so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. In one way, I'm eager to do it all again but in another, I sometimes think I'm done. Difficult stuff but as soon as I have made a decision, I'll be sure to post here and share.

Day 13 - Back Down With A Bang

I wasn't sure whether to post tonight, I'm in a foul mood. I don't want to talk about it to be honest but may come back in a few day and put it down here, I'm not usually evasive so I hope you'll forgive me this once. I just don't know if I'm over-reacting or over-sensitive so it's best to keep it to myself, hopefully a good nights sleep will clear things.

I don't feel well either and I don't know whether it's baby related or otherwise - my bleeding has not tailed off, like it supposedly should of and if anything it is worse now. Oh and it's gross and even when I had a confirmed infection, it wasn't gross so...I have a thumping headache too, which could be anything from the weather to not drinking enough but still, that was one of the main symptoms I had last time and I feel dizzy and I've started with chills and fever today, yes it is possible to have both btw. I've almost finished the antibiotics so it's not a good sign to not be back to almost 100%.

I am anaemic though, the blood test in Scotland told me as much and although no surprise, coupled with the bleeding, that could explain why I feel so crappy right now. Another thing to ask the Dr about when I see him about the above asap.

Also, my 2 boys had a school friend each over tonight, I could of done without it as I did not feel up to it and one of the friends was hard work, but yet again I'm expected to continue to throw myself back into life at 100 miles per hour. Combined with the other stuff, it's ended with me being seriously upset and pissed off tonight.

On a brighter note, registered Oliver's birth and all went smoothly as expected. Looking at the birth certificate with my name on it and knowing that will soon be a thing of the past was a bit strange but it means that things are moving forwards. Just as they should.

And I was fortunate enough to be shown yet more love from my message board friends, with another surprise gift popping through my letterbox. I am stunned by how generous they've been and how proud they are of my surrogacy journey - I'm definitely feeling very special tonight, the blues and bad mood can't spoil that particular feeling!

Day 12 - Feeling The Love

'Once or twice in our lives, we are given the chance to find out just how much inner strength we possess. Usually we find we have far more than we ever imagined.'

I found this quote online and it struck a chord we me. I was talking to my midwife today, for the dreaded signing off appointment and she was telling me how amazing I was and how proud I should be - I don't think I'm amazing for what I've done but I sincerely thanked her for her compliment and the conversation moved along. When I came home and sat at the computer, I was searching for something and came across the quote above and it just seemed fitting to me - I had my strength tested and I did find I had far more than I ever imagined I would.

My appointment went well, I'm going to miss the midwife (she is the other one, the one who I saw with my own children and who saw me every so often this pregnancy), well both of them actually but especially this lady and there were lots of hugs as we parted ways for the final time. She retires in 2 years so you never know...it may not be as final as we both think! LOL.

I've felt so much love from people today, especially friends near and far. I had 2 unexpected surprises - a card from my lovely ex-college classmates and a delicious hamper from friends on a message board, some of whom I've known for some 10 years now and who have been unfaltering in their support of my surrogacy journey. Random acts of kindness totally rock! 

Tomorrow I register Oli's birth - well if the snow lets me anyway, and I'm sure that will be a bit emotional but it is the start of the hopefully not too long legal process to get Oli registered to his rightful parents in the end and so it'll be a sad but happy milestone. It's amazing to think so much has happened in the past 12 days already, time is going by so fast.

Physically I'm healing well, boobs less leaky it seems but still annoying me of course. The midwife says my uterus is now fully contracted down to pre-pregnancy stage - as I told her, it's done its job and has gone back into hiding! I'm feeling fine in myself to sum things up.

Emotionally, I'm pretty good too. No tears in quite a while now, feeling pretty balanced and no regrets still - that's about the best I could hope for so it's good. The midwife did talk about what to do if I do feel differently in the near future, about the help and resources available and asked if I wanted to be passed onto the health visitors for some continuing support but since I'm feeling fine, I declined.

On a final note, I always wondered how surrogates truly justified their compensation but having been there and done that, now I know how and actually think it's not enough in a lot of cases. It's the after effects that I think are where surrogates really 'earn' that money, if I can be as crass as to say that. No money can prepare you for the emotional and mental stress that essentially giving your (as in, a baby you carried, it's not 'yours' of course) baby away brings - and that shouldn't be taken for granted, it shouldn't be for free.

It's been a tougher than expected 12 days, I wonder if I'm strong enough to do it again although it's early days so perhaps in another 12 days, I'll feel differently. All I know is that the pregnancy part was a breeze compared to the post-birth stuff, at least I'll be well prepared and go into any future journey with my eyes well and truly open.

Day 11 - Musings

I have moments where the fact I have birthed 4 children hits me. I'm forever changed, I will always carry that knowledge and that's not a bad thing at all but it just catches me out a bit now. Also for the reason that I'm 33 and I've given life to 4 children - I often say I feel every year of my 33 years but when I think about this, I can't believe it as I feel too young to have done so. I know, I'm rambling but it's just what was whirring around my head today.

I spoke to my community midwife today and am due to see her tomorrow to get signed off. I've photocopied all my notes and am ready to hand my coveted yellow folder over for good. I'm sure that I'll feel a bit of a lump in my throat, that was one of the things I loved when I first found out I was pregnant - that I would get another yellow folder, I would (finally) belong to the pregnant club once again! Ha, I'm so sad I know.

I don't know what surrogacy direction I'm going to take next. Despite all that's happened this past week, I still have this strange yearning to be a pregnant surrogate again and although I miss it, I'm not daft enough to make any rash decisions - heck, I'm not even 2 weeks post-partum! But, where do I go next is a question that has crept up on me these past few days....I don't want to be essentially a commercial surrogate, doing it for the money and would hate to ever be seen in that light - I never wanted to populate the world, I just wanted to make a bit of a difference and even if I stop at Oli, I think I've done just that.

Day 10 - Calm

There really isn't much to post about today to be honest, I've just been relaxing since the mammoth cross-country trek home yesterday and the children have been enjoying the snow. Funnily enough, where we just left in Scotland is now covered in snow!

I did have a horrible half hour of abdomen pain this afternoon and I admit that thoughts of hospitals crept in rapidly, it was honestly awful but then it went and left a dull ache on and off all day. I hope that can be attributed to the antibiotics. Ugh, will it ever end? And I'm determined not to make this blog 'every ailment daily' style so I apologise for the medical related posts but they are surrogacy related since I wouldn't be having this issue if it wasn't for having a (surrogate) baby. It may help another surrogate know what may happen.

Boobs still leaking like mad, I think seeing yet more cute pictures of Oli today didn't help that issue but I don't mind one bit. He really is pretty darn cute, even if I say so myself.I'm registering his birth finally, on Wednesday. That's another milestone, it'll be weird to sit there and list myself and my husband as his parents and look at that birth certificate. I'll treasure it though because after the Parental Order is granted, it will be history - literally. Nice to be able to get something else ticked off the list though, at 6 weeks, K and B will then apply for the Order and get that process started - I will be posting about that, from my point of view, as and when it happens because that's something I'm apprehensive about and not familiar with. It is part of the surrogacy journey that I'm sure a lot of first-time surrogates aren't knowledgeable about, you just don't think you'll get that far and it's more an IP thing.

I expect my community midwife to sign me off this week, they usually only see you for up to 10 days, as necessary and then you would normally be passed onto your health visitor but obviously that's not needed in my case so that will be the end of another chapter of the journey - ticking things off fast and furiously these days.

All The Recognition I Needed

My gorgeous children, who've coped so well with my selfish decision to become a surrogate and who have been so mature beyond their years about the whole pregnancy, birth and beyond, wrote me these cards after the birth and I was clearing a cupboard out just now and found them again and wanted to share. Honestly, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks as much as what my children (and husband of course) think of what I did and this makes my heart swell with love and pride.