'Once or twice in our lives, we are given the chance to find out just how much inner strength we possess. Usually we find we have far more than we ever imagined.'
I found this quote online and it struck a chord we me. I was talking to my midwife today, for the dreaded signing off appointment and she was telling me how amazing I was and how proud I should be - I don't think I'm amazing for what I've done but I sincerely thanked her for her compliment and the conversation moved along. When I came home and sat at the computer, I was searching for something and came across the quote above and it just seemed fitting to me - I had my strength tested and I did find I had far more than I ever imagined I would.
My appointment went well, I'm going to miss the midwife (she is the other one, the one who I saw with my own children and who saw me every so often this pregnancy), well both of them actually but especially this lady and there were lots of hugs as we parted ways for the final time. She retires in 2 years so you never know...it may not be as final as we both think! LOL.
I've felt so much love from people today, especially friends near and far. I had 2 unexpected surprises - a card from my lovely ex-college classmates and a delicious hamper from friends on a message board, some of whom I've known for some 10 years now and who have been unfaltering in their support of my surrogacy journey. Random acts of kindness totally rock!
Tomorrow I register Oli's birth - well if the snow lets me anyway, and I'm sure that will be a bit emotional but it is the start of the hopefully not too long legal process to get Oli registered to his rightful parents in the end and so it'll be a sad but happy milestone. It's amazing to think so much has happened in the past 12 days already, time is going by so fast.
Physically I'm healing well, boobs less leaky it seems but still annoying me of course. The midwife says my uterus is now fully contracted down to pre-pregnancy stage - as I told her, it's done its job and has gone back into hiding! I'm feeling fine in myself to sum things up.
Emotionally, I'm pretty good too. No tears in quite a while now, feeling pretty balanced and no regrets still - that's about the best I could hope for so it's good. The midwife did talk about what to do if I do feel differently in the near future, about the help and resources available and asked if I wanted to be passed onto the health visitors for some continuing support but since I'm feeling fine, I declined.
On a final note, I always wondered how surrogates truly justified their compensation but having been there and done that, now I know how and actually think it's not enough in a lot of cases. It's the after effects that I think are where surrogates really 'earn' that money, if I can be as crass as to say that. No money can prepare you for the emotional and mental stress that essentially giving your (as in, a baby you carried, it's not 'yours' of course) baby away brings - and that shouldn't be taken for granted, it shouldn't be for free.
It's been a tougher than expected 12 days, I wonder if I'm strong enough to do it again although it's early days so perhaps in another 12 days, I'll feel differently. All I know is that the pregnancy part was a breeze compared to the post-birth stuff, at least I'll be well prepared and go into any future journey with my eyes well and truly open.
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