I'm Back!

So much has happened, I'm not sure where to even start but here goes.

Well, I spent a wonderful long weekend in Kent with K & B. We were expecting (according to all the literature) to ovulate 5-9 days from my final Clomid pill and decided to tie in that event with a little mini-break for me too. It also helped K & B who were having pet sitting troubles which meant it would of been difficult for them logistically to get down to me. Basically, it all made more sense for me to travel to them.

We had a fabulous time, laughing, talking, sightseeing and lunching out! My two hosts were as lovely as always and their house, and furbabies, are gorgeous. It was also an opportunity for me to see another side to my IFs, see them relaxed in their own surroundings. It helped to further reassure me, if I needed any further reassurance, that they are going to be amazing parents and a child will be brought into a solid and loving family setting.

I also had the opportunity to meet B's parents. It was daunting for me at first, to be introduced to extended family - having only dealt with K & B up until this point but actually, as soon as I stepped foot inside the Grandparents-to-be (fingers crossed!) home, I was made to feel welcome and for someone who prefers to avoid social situations, it was surprisingly anything but awkward. I came away feeling very blessed to of been given that opportunity.

I also got to speak to K's sister on the phone. She's currently in Oz studying and although we have messaged a few times via Facebook, again, it was a bit of an overwhelming situation to have to talk real time. I'm so glad that K nudged (!) me into doing so though, as yet again, I now feel very fortunate to be in this position where I'm not only matched with wonderful IFs but also to be made to feel important enough to be allowed deeper into their lives. Very privileged if you will.

The + OPK eluded us the entire time I was there, which was frustrating for us but having looked at other peoples experiences with Clomid, we were aware that it could be slightly later than the average 5-9 day situation and despite very encouraging fertile signs indeed from the middle of last week, we only got our first positive yesterday morning - the morning after I returned back home. Typical!

Cue lots of frantic planning by both K & B and they travelled back down here yesterday afternoon.. In total, so far, we have now done 7 insems. My OPK this evening is negative and although we hope my temp will spike tomorrow signalling ovulation and there will not be another + greeting us in the morning, we do know that that's a possibility as we've BTDT before. If it's another negative in the morning, I think it's safe to say we're officially done with the ttc part of Cycle 4! Yaaaaaay.

K headed back home this afternoon and we're just in a kind of limbo now really. Even though I'm still technically ovulating (since after the +, it can take between 12-36 hours for the egg to be released), we don't plan on doing any further insems. I'm therefore hoping that the one this morning will last the distance to see us into the latest possible timeframe for ovulation and we won't be missing any opportunity for a successful ending to the cycle. We know we've given it as much as we can regardless though and that's all we can ask of one another.

We're wondering if this is a multiple ovulation situation that's going on, which explains why I've had fertile signs for so long and now a full 2 days of + OPKs and my BBT is showing a shift. Although the shift has not been sustained long enough (has to be 3 consecutive days), to be counted as definite ovulation at this point.

Perhaps an egg was released, giving us our rise and then the OPK turned positive, giving us another egg released? Who knows. Most of this ttc business is guestimations, weighing up of probabilities and simple crossing of fingers.

We, at this stage, are hoping that those 7 insems during my fertile time will be enough to do the job. I think it's safe to say we're all pretty much spent with this cycle and are thinking that it's time to draw a line under it and hope our efforts are enough.

I am in fact at a concert on Thursday, that's about 30 miles away from the guys and it's possible that perhaps we may try and tie that in and meet up for either coffee/dinner or another insem if necessary, but it's very much just a wait and see approach from us all right now and everyone taking a deep breath and trying to get life back to normality once again.

It'll be nice when we know for sure that ovulation has happened though and we're in the 2ww, we can then take a well deserved time-out to relax knowing it's out of our hands. I have to say that for me, this cycle has been a total roller coaster and has kept us all on our toes. We've come a long way in so many senses, from learning about Clomid, how it affects me and my cycle, timing of insems and also on a more personal level, more about one another too most definitely.

On the subject of Clomid and its effects, I actually felt worse once I'd finished it for a few days which was unexpected but it was bearable. The only other thing of note is the ovulation pains, they are intense to say the least and there is no mistaking that my ovaries are doing something! Otherwise, I think all things considered, I had an ok experience with it, thankfully.

Sometimes I admit to getting a bit upset about the fact that some surrogates appear to have it easy, they are very fortunate to fall pregnant within a few cycles and I'm not afraid to say that I'm jealous of that at times. But, then I remind myself that firstly, it's not a race and actually at least this way, I'm learning more about myself and my IFs, we're learning more about the dynamics of our relationship and working through things that we may not of even been aware of prior to a pregnancy, had it happened within the first few cycles. I remind myself that it hopefully means there will be less surprises once I am pregnant and will therefore make for a hopefully happier and more comfortable and relaxed 9 months than it may otherwise of been.

And most importantly, I remind myself that if we're having to fight that bit harder for something, then that in turn will make it even more precious when it eventually happens.

I admit to having tunnel vision where surrogacy is concerned, lots of things (and perhaps people), have been pushed aside in my quest to fulfil an ambition of at least 8 years but surrogacy is all encompassing, it's not possible to find a middle ground, it's an all-or-nothing situation - well, for me anyway. I'm fortunate to find myself surrounded by people who thankfully support me and understand, I realise I'm very lucky indeed in that respect. I just hope that it won't be too much longer before I can enjoy the smooth after what's turning out to be quite rough in places. I'm so ready for that BFP and to move onto the next chapter. Surely, our turn can't be too far away.

While I was away, I visited Canterbury Cathedral (more info here for those not familiar : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canterbury_Cathedral) and whilst I'm not religious at all, settings such as this never fail to make me reflect and if I'm honest, become quite emotional too.

At this particular place, there's a prayer board, where you can write something. K and I stumbled across this at the same time and whilst K isn't religious either, he decided to write something, it was non-surrogacy related FTR. Anyway, I didn't feel like I wanted to participate in writing one and so wandered on. As we toured round this magnificent site, I kept thinking of the prayer board and went back to it twice before taking the plunge. I wrote a little something basically asking for strength for myself during this journey and also asking for a successful outcome for a wonderful and most deserving couple. Typing this has me actually tearing up, honestly. I just felt that we're doing all we can ourselves and so perhaps it was time to ask for it to be taken out of our hands and for someone else to decide the eventual outcome. The emotions I felt afterwards were of peace and renewed hope, I only hope if there is someone up there, they listen and we all get our much longed for bundle of joy. I think we all deserve that.

It's been a fabulous few days and although we're not quite finished with Cycle 4 at this point, I'm ready to see what the outcome will be. I'm due to have my progesterone tested after 7 days and see if I did indeed ovulate. If not, we'll be upping the dose of Clomid for Cycle 5.

Tonight, I'm missing K & B if I'm honest, this is something I personally struggle with, trying to keep an appropriate balance where our relationship is concerned - perhaps that is another post for another day. I wouldn't change a thing though, I love the relationship we've got and consider myself very fortunate that we've clicked so well. To some, it seems too deep or just plain odd but to us and I think I can speak for K & B too here, it feels pretty fantastic and works for the most part but yes, I still do struggle to a certain extent.

For now though, lots of temp shift and no further + OPK vibes would be much appreciated. Oh and of course BFP ones too please!