Mixed

This was my view for a part of my long weekend with K & B! Feet up the wall... Never let it be said that traditional surrogacy isn't fun. ;o)

I loved seeing the guys again, we ended up talking a lot for various reasons over the 4 days but yet again, we came away knowing that little bit more about ourselves, each other and the match.

We used the syringe method for most of the insems but did use a cup on a couple of occasions. Unfortunately, my body has decided to confuse us as I had fertile signs from the day I arrived that are still going strong now but only one day of + OPKs but no temperature rise. As of today, ovulation doesn't appear to of actually happened. You are supposed to ovulate 5-9 days after your last tablet, that was 2 days ago. Some sites do say 5-12 but I am not sure I believe that.

It could also be that because I've not slept well for quite a few days now, that's affected my temperature reading and the thermal shift (indicating ovulation has occurred) hasn't been able to be detected. Especially since it seems my shift when I do ovulate is very minimal.

I seem to of caught a virus whilst I was away too and spent the visit feeling pretty rough with a constant headache, racing heart, dizziness and nausea. I felt terrible for K & B as I'm sure I was anything but a fun house guest but apart from one day which I spent under a duvet on the sofa, sleeping, we still managed to have some fun and spend time together.

I think this is going to go one of 3 ways though:

• I will ovulate but later than expected.
• I won't ovulate at all, possibly due to stress/illness.
• I have a slow temperature rise and it'll take a few days to show ovulation on my chart.

Regardless, at this point, we have decided not to do any further insems. We did what we could and have just been caught out by Mother Nature who had other plans. Naturally, I am disappointed since I'm obviously still fertile and this cycle need not go to waste if there is a chance I may still actually ovulate but I have to remember that I'm not doing this alone and it's not all about me and my wishes.

That is actually a very good point I would do well to remember - it's difficult when you have to consider 2 other people and sometimes you won't all be on the same page but that there has to be give and take. And that you can't always get your own way, big lesson for me if I'm honest.

I admit to finding things difficult this visit for a few reasons and if anything, I've taken away that perhaps I am not as important in the match as I maybe credited myself with - that sometimes it's not all about me and my feelings and wants, even though I may be the one with the all crucial eggs and womb. It's hard when you all have some control over a single journey but not one singular person can call all the shots.

It is especially difficult when you remember that before matching, the 3 of you had never met and have been thrown together with one common goal in mind. I compare it to doing a tango, always trying not to tread on toes and constantly moving your feet out of the other persons way. You're always learning and adapting. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, so, cycle 5 appears to be finished and it's not negative to say that it's pretty much given that it will not be successful. All but BBT are secondary (and therefore less reliable) fertile signs and so without that temp jump = no ovulation, and as such there is no way I can therefore get pregnant obviously. It is what it is and I have to make peace with that.

Feeling ambivalent about cycle 6. I'm hopeful, optimistic but realistic and also dreading it too - all in equal measure. Cycle 6 wasn't a great point for me last match obviously and my contract with K & B calls for a conference at this point too. Given what's happened in our own lives, in our match and to us all individually since we signed that agreement, I'm pretty worried....For now, I'm dealing with the here and now though.