It's A Long Post But Worth It, I Promise!

I've been a bad blogger yet again and been absent for far too long but I have been so busy that I've not had a chance to get online to write a post but here I am!

So, I did get my P4 result and it was an impressive 48 - we were thrilled, what an excellent level, compared to my usual 30 ish and made taking the horrible 150mgs of Clomid this cycle, worth it.

FF kept with its interpretation of my ovulation date, I continued to disagree with it and would stare at my chart several times a day trying to see why my date was more accurate than theirs and in the end, I figured that it didn't really matter which day was actually correct, it didn't change that we were finished with insems and were in the 2ww so I really shouldn't stress it. What I really ended up doing was manually over-riding the ovulation day on my chart, which seemed to make me feel happier when I looked at it! I don't recommend (nor does FF) doing this to your chart, unless you are familiar with your body and cycles and can be sure that you're right, you're best off sticking with what the software makes of your temps.

As I said, I've been really busy but was feeling awful towards the end of last week - palpitations, dizziness, boiling hot, exhausted, insomnia, heartburn, nauseous and I kept having headache after headache. I figured I was just really worn down. I continued to check my cervical position, just out of interest, I don't chart it in the 2ww any longer but I did note that it was really far back and either high or medium which isn't really anything to worry about but I felt that it was unusual for me. I also continued to use my IC OPKs during the 2ww, it gave me something to pee on for fun and for the most part, they were nearly blank but then towards the end of the 2ww, they darkened considerably - not positive type dark, but still darker than they had been. Now, I know from research and from my own previous experience that it means nothing. There is talk around the internet that a near + or + OPK can sometimes indicate early pregnancy but for everyone who says that is the case, there is another that says it didn't work like that for them so yes, I took it with a pinch of salt.

I also had some pregnancy tests left over from last cycle and I did my usual 'shall I test? No, I really shouldn't' inner conflict thing but I tested to be rid of the dreaded blue dye tests I had. I was either 7 or 9dpo so too early to see anything but I used it anyway. As usual, I thought I saw something but then it faded to pretty much nothing so I thought it was obviously just an evap but something made me keep going back to it - it's Clearblue +/- type pregnancy test and I swore I could see a really faint, but very thin, blue line making it a + sign. Now, I've had this before with these tests and I know that to be considered +, the line has to be as thick as the - line and this absolutely wasn't so I photographed it (to follow) as usual and binned it.

A couple of days passed and I had already told myself before the run in with the Clearblue test, that I wouldn't test until at least 11dpo because it's pretty much given you won't reliably get any + before then. And remember that I wasn't even sure if I would be 11dpo or 9, with my ambiguous ovulation date but on 11dpo (my calculated o date), I decided that I would take the other CB test because if by some miracle, that line I had thought I'd seen, had been a very early positive, the line should theoretically be darker 2 days later.

I POAS and watched, btw every cycle I swear I won't watch the test develop but will put my phone stop-clock on and go back once the 10 minutes or whatever testing time is up but I can never do it, I have to torture myself by watching the stark-white negative appear. But this time, I saw the + appear, it was within seconds of the pee going over the result area and I kept waiting for it to fade as it usually does on a HPT, to leave just the one line or no line at all - depending on what test you're using....Only it didn't fade. It got darker and it stayed put!!! My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking, I kept saying 'no, it can't be! NO WAY!!' and I walked from the bathroom and into the kitchen where the light was better but the test was still definitely positive. Straight away, I photographed it, I had to have proof of what I'd seen just incase it suddenly faded away completely, I also took a photo of it with our debit card in it to prove any doubters that it was me, my test and that I was pregnant and then I called my husband who was on his way home from his night shift and I cried 'I'm pregnant!' and in his usual nonchalant tone he replied 'well what are you crying for, this is what you've been working this hard for!' and I said 'I know, but I didn't expect it to actually happen!' I demanded he come straight home and not nip in the shops, I needed a neutral pair of eyes to confirm what I was seeing so as soon as he walked through the door, I thrust the test in his face and asked if he saw it and he replied that he did! I was pregnant, I was really, truly and honestly pregnant! Oh. My. God!!

Now to tell my IPs....How I had dreamt of this moment, I had thought about how I would send a balloon with the + test attached or I would text them the picture - all photoshopped with hearts around it or even that I would drive there and knock on the door and present them with the test. In reality, I called them straight away because telling them immediately was far more important that any fancier but slower way of telling them. Now, we hadn't text for a few days, I was feeling glum (see my last blog entry) and they didn't know what to say when they were probably feeling a bit deflated too at that point so we just left each other to the last few days of the 2ww so when I called and their phone just rang and rang, I had a horrible feeling that they didn't want to talk to me and were avoiding me, they would miss out on this fantastic moment. I was so relieved when I heard a voice at the other end of the phone and it cracks me up to remember this but there were some pleasantries to begin with 'how are you?' 'I'm good, and you?' 'Fine, I have some news for you!' 'Do you?' 'Yes, I'm pregnant!'

And then there were sniffles and shocked conversations as we tried to take this incredible news in together. It was lovely and I wouldn't of wanted it any other way, if I had done any of those things I had planned to do when I got a +, I would of missed out on hearing their reactions.

Texts flew between us, unable to quite believe what was happening to us and I sent them the picture of the test. I knew that there would be a little apprehension that it was a blue dye test (which are notorious for giving convincing looking false positives and evaps lines) and so I used a First Response Early Response and was very relieved to see an obvious 2nd line on that test too - which was swiftly sent to my IPs also!

Later in the day, I took a Clearblue Digital Conception Indicator test and it flashed up within minutes 'Pregnant - 1-2 weeks'. Wow, so I really am pregnant! We're really going to have a baby!

Some 3 days later and I still can't believe it, the lines are getting darker and the Clearblue Digital has already changed to 'Pregnant - 2-3 weeks' so it seems things are going along nicely although I still POAS daily, to use up my stash I say but secretly I love doing it too but I think it's safe to stop once these are gone. Double digits of + tests do not lie!

I never thought I would ever be posting a pregnant post on my blog, I was convinced that there was no way this would work after all this time of ttc and yet when I least expected it, it happened - isn't that always the way! I do not care how or why, all I know is that I and my wonderful IPs are finally going to realise a dream and reach our goal. I am absolutely over-the-moon!

It is very early days and both IPs and I are totally grounded until we hit the magical 2nd trimester with baby all safe and accounted for but we're not going to dwell on what will hopefully never happen and enjoy every day knowing I'm pregnant and looking forwards to the future.

I have had some pains that if it were my own child, I may be more relaxed about and wait and see but since my tubes are super important to me obviously as a surrogate and this isn't my child, I don't want to take any risks so had a quick visit to the Early Pregnancy Unit, after my GP referred me, but it's too early for a scan so I've had bloods taken and will get a 2nd taken Friday morning and they compare the 2 to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. I'm very confident that all is just fine but it'll be nice to have that extra reassurance. The midwife who saw me at the clinic was really interested in surrogacy and asked a ton of questions, I know I will have to get used to that. It's strange when people tell me I'm amazing or strong for doing this, I don't feel like I'm either - I'm fulfilling a dream and actually, I'm the lucky one to of been given this opportunity finally to make a family.

I also have booked in with the midwife, which seemed early but they get booked up and it's important you are seen before 12 weeks so they book you from the time you find out your pregnant - the appointment isn't for a while yet but it's nice to have something officially pregnancy related though!

So, there you go, my big news and I am so pleased I get to finally post it!