After lots of much needed kisses and cuddles from my 3 babies and falling into bed at about 11pm, I slept pretty decently which was no surprise given how emotional and physically draining the past 2 days had been. I woke up feeling so much pain though and reached for the paracetamol without delay.
We should all of been exhausted and slept late from the late night before but no, my children who have more energy than the sun, were up at 7:30am and since I was awake and feeling pain, I was up too.
It was then that reality hit, the realisation that I'd just given birth and gone through physical hell but for everyone else in the house, life was no different of course. The washing still waited to be put on, the children still wanted their breakfast, the kitchen floor needed washing and the vacuum waited to be put into action. Feeling like it was apparently business-as-usual, I did all those tasks with some help from my husband. I don't blame him too much for not thinking that perhaps he should of taken on those tasks prior to me coming home - he just didn't think I guess but it upset me and I cried as I picked toys up, put clothes back in drawers and all while wincing, with the pain shooting all around my body.
I knew the midwife would be calling in and she called and told us to expect her in an hour. She's a midwife that works with the other 2 I see but I'd not met her personally yet. Her arrival (and my OCD and anxiety) meant cleaning and tidying was extra important. I know it's not, they see worse places by far but in my mind, I had to show her I was OK and keeping things running.
She was very sweet, taking care to speak to my children and to my husband. She asked the usual questions, did the usual checks and with that asked me what I'd like to do next...I got the impression and I could be wrong, that I could of said to sign me off and she would of there and then. A bit worrying because my BP had crept up. Not unusual for me post-delivery but requiring monitoring I felt. Anyway, it was left that she would call me in 2 days time to check up on me and see what was what then. I still don't know if she's going to visit or not or just telephone. I really want my BP checked again, especially since I've gone on to develop a bad headache and swelling. Will need to make sure either she checks it or the GP does either way. I told her I would like a call at least because I may need the emotional support - as I said it, my voice cracked a bit, I wonder if she noticed. As quick as she arrived, she left. And life continued in a whirlwind, as it always does in my household.
I shuffled around the house, I showered, my wonderful husband injected me for the first time at home and will continue to do that 2 x a day, for 6 weeks, I cried a few times and we went out to eat before heading over to see the new family of 3. We had all talked about the children meeting Oliver and since they couldn't the night before due to late discharge, we had agreed upon the morning. My children were so excited, asking all morning long when we could go to the hotel. We had to wait for Oliver's first midwife visit though but soon it was time. The children had picked out 2 tops as a meeting gift, I picked some flowers and a card - I want to get Oliver something personal from me, to him and that's been ordered so that will be sent on later but I didn't want to go empty handed on that important visit.
K and B's faces were a picture of happiness as we walked into the hotel, Oliver was in his swish new pram and the children lit up when they saw him! Helped by K and B being very thoughtful and getting them all the same teddy and Oliver had the same one in his pushchair...B explained to them that Oliver had picked them, so they all had something similar to remind them of one another when they were apart. My heart was pounding with how B worded it and how the children received the gesture - it was perfect and the children were thrilled.
They all got a hold of the special arrival and I took pictures. They were so good with him, my youngest was hesitant at first but warmed when he saw how cute Oliver was but sadly it didn't stop his grumpy mood for long and it was hard to keep it all together when he was acting up and trying to hurt what he knew were my sore spots, the other 2 were desperate for yet more cuddles and I felt that the guys were perhaps (and understandably so) anxious and a bit over-protective of their precious son, who was in the throes of being handled by 3 lively but very gentle children.
I held Oliver again and studied his sweet little face, he had changed so much already and in such a short space of time. As adorable and placid as he had been since birth, I made sure I took him in for the final time until we are next able to see each other again and kissed his sweet head, as did my children, and after some chitchat - it was time for us all to part ways.I held K close as we hugged goodbye, I could feel and hear his breathing quicken and knew he was trying to hold it in. Same with B and with that - the signal of the end of my journey and the start of theirs without me, we parted ways.
My children handled it so well, I like to think I've played a part in preparing them well for the end and it showed. No tears, no pleas to take the baby home, no mention of him being ours or anything. No, just lots of excited talk about how sweet he was and how they had their own Oliver teddy.
I still felt no sadness that I didn't have a baby, something tangible to show for what my body was reminding me I'd been through but I did feel very emotional. It was an up and down day, I just felt a bit lost really. I knew I was sad and I felt down but not for the reason I'd given a baby away - no, it was just hormones doing their thing and I went with it and cried and raged when I wanted to and didn't try and analyse why.
I took codeine that night, I needed to sleep peacefully and pain free to be able to process the day fully and get some much needed true rest and it did the trick thankfully.
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