I received an unexpected email just before Christmas Day 2016, from a familiar email address. My IPs made contact! We hadn't spoken in many years and so it was a total surprise, a cautious one, but pleasant nonetheless.
We have tentatively emailed on a handful of occasions and I've got some lovely photos of Oli. He has grown so fast and will be starting school this September, that just can't be right! He is very cute, I can't lay claim to any of that despite having half my genetics but he really is a beauty - blonde hair and long eyelashes. His daddies are going to be fighting the girl/boys off with a stick in the future!
Since the last few posts on this blog were negative, I wanted to come back and update with the positive, however long this may last for.
Sunday, 21 May 2017
Saturday, 19 September 2015
Checking In
A whole year has passed since my last entry, I was just cleaning up my bookmarks and thought it was about time I popped back!
Well what's to say? Not a whole lot where surrogacy is concerned. No more babies but I did re-match for a very short period of time earlier this year however soon decided that actually, I simply didn't want to be a surrogate any more - too battered and bruised to put myself and my family through that yet again. I do still own and run my Facebook surrogacy group but I'm not active there, life is busy and my interest in the surrogacy scene is almost at zero these days.
What is new in life? Lots! I'm so far from where I was this time last year and have achieved so much that I daren't believe I ever would. I'm happy, my family is happy and I hope my surrogate babies and their parents are too.
It is crazy to think Oliver will soon be 3, in a few short months but it does also seem like a lifetime ago I gave birth to him - I think it's because so much has happened in that space of time. Do I think about him? Sometimes; my children ask but thankfully infrequently but I'm comfortable in the role I played and the relationship that exists (or doesn't, as the case may be) now. I never wanted to be a constant part of his or his parent's lives, I didn't want to be ' special Auntie' as some surrogates do and so this feels pretty OK with me. A picture would be nice maybe just so I can see how he's changing over the years but that clearly isn't an option. I'm alright with things and I hope his parents are too.
Well what's to say? Not a whole lot where surrogacy is concerned. No more babies but I did re-match for a very short period of time earlier this year however soon decided that actually, I simply didn't want to be a surrogate any more - too battered and bruised to put myself and my family through that yet again. I do still own and run my Facebook surrogacy group but I'm not active there, life is busy and my interest in the surrogacy scene is almost at zero these days.
What is new in life? Lots! I'm so far from where I was this time last year and have achieved so much that I daren't believe I ever would. I'm happy, my family is happy and I hope my surrogate babies and their parents are too.
It is crazy to think Oliver will soon be 3, in a few short months but it does also seem like a lifetime ago I gave birth to him - I think it's because so much has happened in that space of time. Do I think about him? Sometimes; my children ask but thankfully infrequently but I'm comfortable in the role I played and the relationship that exists (or doesn't, as the case may be) now. I never wanted to be a constant part of his or his parent's lives, I didn't want to be ' special Auntie' as some surrogates do and so this feels pretty OK with me. A picture would be nice maybe just so I can see how he's changing over the years but that clearly isn't an option. I'm alright with things and I hope his parents are too.
Saturday, 9 August 2014
Questions
I've been asked a lot lately about my surrogate babies because I'm meeting a lot of new people and one of 2 most asked questions is 'do you keep in touch?' If you're interested, #2 is, 'did you get attached to the babies?'
I have heard that Oli's parents are going to have a sibling for him, I knew that they would and I wish them and the surrogate all the best. Our journey ended, a new one for them was inevitable (same as it was for me) and at the end of the day it's about the babies that are ultimately created from surrogacy and you can't be bitter about that!
I have also recently been asked if I'm worried about what they may be saying and the answer is not really - not a resounding 'no' quite yet but getting there. For a while, I was upset about what may or may not be said but I'm learning to let go of things I can't control, besides I will always know the truth.
No-one (IP or surrogate) should believe entirely what they are told in the beginning of the matching process, everyone is always on their best behaviour and presenting their best attributes but people should make their own enquiries about the others, and always remain guarded until they are satisfied of what is really what - one of many things I learnt in retrospect after Oli's match.
I also know that information is being passed between the surrogacy Facebook group I run and Oli's parents which is immature - whether they actively seek that information or whether it is passed over and they are just happy to receive, I don't know but I refuse to get drawn into the place I was back last year. Time's moved on, it's taken me a while but I think I'm pretty much there at last. All is good from my point of view.
Not really anything else to post about but it's been over half a year since my last entry and although lots of you keep up on my other blog and Facebook, both of which are more active, I wanted to touch-base here too.
I have heard that Oli's parents are going to have a sibling for him, I knew that they would and I wish them and the surrogate all the best. Our journey ended, a new one for them was inevitable (same as it was for me) and at the end of the day it's about the babies that are ultimately created from surrogacy and you can't be bitter about that!
I have also recently been asked if I'm worried about what they may be saying and the answer is not really - not a resounding 'no' quite yet but getting there. For a while, I was upset about what may or may not be said but I'm learning to let go of things I can't control, besides I will always know the truth.
No-one (IP or surrogate) should believe entirely what they are told in the beginning of the matching process, everyone is always on their best behaviour and presenting their best attributes but people should make their own enquiries about the others, and always remain guarded until they are satisfied of what is really what - one of many things I learnt in retrospect after Oli's match.
I also know that information is being passed between the surrogacy Facebook group I run and Oli's parents which is immature - whether they actively seek that information or whether it is passed over and they are just happy to receive, I don't know but I refuse to get drawn into the place I was back last year. Time's moved on, it's taken me a while but I think I'm pretty much there at last. All is good from my point of view.
Not really anything else to post about but it's been over half a year since my last entry and although lots of you keep up on my other blog and Facebook, both of which are more active, I wanted to touch-base here too.
Friday, 10 January 2014
Big Milestone!
It is Oli's 1st Birthday today, I know he will be having a special day whatever he is up to and although I continue to have no contact with his parents, it is such a big milestone that I have to acknowledge it!
Happy Birthday, buddy - with love from your tummy mummy.
Saturday, 9 November 2013
It's A Wrap!
Oliver is officially handed over to his parents - in the legal sense, as of yesterday.
I'm pleased it was wrapped up and have to say that I am glad it's all finally over and, no tears about it. Congrats to the guys on officially erasing me on paper and making their son legally theirs!
My feeling of relief it's over with was validated when I received a short sharp message, which ended 'many thanks' from K, confirming the PO had been granted. I mean really, is that all I deserved? You thank someone who serves you coffee that way, you thank a neighbour who takes a parcel in that way however, you should not thank someone who gave the best part of almost 3 years making you a baby that you probably would never of had if it weren't for them, and whom endured more bullshit and drama that anyone ever should, that way.
I don't want adulation, if you know anything about me then you'll know over-the-top shows of appreciation and affection, and outpouring of emotions embarrasses me but, that email was cold, calculated and cruel. That was the best they could come up with? I'm not sure why I'm surprised.
I hope one day Oliver understands what's happened, the true version, the one where I'm given the respect I so rightly deserve. Sad that it ended this way really, especially when in my last post I said how we seemed to be getting on better and perhaps we could remain civil and keep in contact in some way from that point forwards.
So I suppose that wraps this blog up - a long hard slog comes to an end, not the end I'd hoped and, I don't believe we'll stay in contact but, I hope my heart heals with time. Anyway, thank you everyone for continuing to follow my first-time journey, and for all the support I've received over the years - it's been my pleasure (and therapy) to share with you all!
Please keep up with my new blog, which can be found here: http://czechmatesurrogacy.blogspot.co.uk/
Wednesday, 2 October 2013
Positives!
First and foremost, I want to say that things are moving forwards positively with regards to my former IFs. We are now communicating via email and things are pleasant currently, I just decided that I was in a place in life generally where I was ready to draw a line under things from the past and move forwards, in whatever way we were all most comfortable with.
I've had some lovely updates on Oli and how he's growing up, sounds like he is thriving and growing up so fast and he has a better social life than me - what more could a baby want?!
He's absolutely beautiful, I still don't see any of myself in him but I definitely do see who his biological father is. He does have the same long eyelashes as my oldest though and I'm sure he will bat them throughout his life and with a flash of his grin, both will help win over lots of hearts.
On another equally as important note, Cafcass (basically an official court reporter, who looks after the welfare of children - in all different settings, who come out to write a report saying whether they note any concerns and whether they therefore recommend the Parental Order be granted or not) visited us all over the course of the past week. She began by visiting my IFs and Oli and from what I'm told, it went very well and she had no concerns and then it was mine and my husband's turn for her visit yesterday.
I have to say it went perfectly and smoothly, absolutely nothing to worry about. It helped that she had seen K and B first because they had obviously answered a lot of the questions she had to ask and so really my role was just to confirm what had been said and sign some paperwork. She was a lovely lady, it was her first experience of a Parental Order and I think she was happy that she was dealing with a nice case, compared to some of the bitter disputes over custody that she deals with too. We actually spent most of her short visit generally chatting about surrogacy and it all felt very informal.
In case anyone is wondering, she asked me to confirm the expenses schedule, how I felt things would work between the 4 of us from this point onwards, how my husband felt about the whole situation and then to sign the paperwork saying I freely gave my consent to the Parental Order being made. She told me that K and B had had criminal record and background checks and been asked the same sort of questions - such as how they would approach the surrogacy situation as Oli grew up, how they planned to explain his heritage etc.
She told me that Oli appeared to be doted on, he was happy and healthy and seemed to be very well cared for. She had no worries and would therefore, after talking to us here, be recommending the Order was granted.
So, that's that - the official court hearing is next month and that will be just a formality and Oli will then be officially theirs. Very pleased, I felt no sadness about signing the final bit of the puzzle - just satisfied that it's all gone as hoped for.
Where we go from here, in terms of contact with one another, well I guess we'll just have to see. I am optimistic that we can continue to stay in contact and exchange updates with one another but I am under no illusion that things can and may change for any of us so for now, I think we're all comfortable with how things are and will just see where it goes.
I've had some lovely updates on Oli and how he's growing up, sounds like he is thriving and growing up so fast and he has a better social life than me - what more could a baby want?!
He's absolutely beautiful, I still don't see any of myself in him but I definitely do see who his biological father is. He does have the same long eyelashes as my oldest though and I'm sure he will bat them throughout his life and with a flash of his grin, both will help win over lots of hearts.
On another equally as important note, Cafcass (basically an official court reporter, who looks after the welfare of children - in all different settings, who come out to write a report saying whether they note any concerns and whether they therefore recommend the Parental Order be granted or not) visited us all over the course of the past week. She began by visiting my IFs and Oli and from what I'm told, it went very well and she had no concerns and then it was mine and my husband's turn for her visit yesterday.
I have to say it went perfectly and smoothly, absolutely nothing to worry about. It helped that she had seen K and B first because they had obviously answered a lot of the questions she had to ask and so really my role was just to confirm what had been said and sign some paperwork. She was a lovely lady, it was her first experience of a Parental Order and I think she was happy that she was dealing with a nice case, compared to some of the bitter disputes over custody that she deals with too. We actually spent most of her short visit generally chatting about surrogacy and it all felt very informal.
In case anyone is wondering, she asked me to confirm the expenses schedule, how I felt things would work between the 4 of us from this point onwards, how my husband felt about the whole situation and then to sign the paperwork saying I freely gave my consent to the Parental Order being made. She told me that K and B had had criminal record and background checks and been asked the same sort of questions - such as how they would approach the surrogacy situation as Oli grew up, how they planned to explain his heritage etc.
She told me that Oli appeared to be doted on, he was happy and healthy and seemed to be very well cared for. She had no worries and would therefore, after talking to us here, be recommending the Order was granted.
So, that's that - the official court hearing is next month and that will be just a formality and Oli will then be officially theirs. Very pleased, I felt no sadness about signing the final bit of the puzzle - just satisfied that it's all gone as hoped for.
Where we go from here, in terms of contact with one another, well I guess we'll just have to see. I am optimistic that we can continue to stay in contact and exchange updates with one another but I am under no illusion that things can and may change for any of us so for now, I think we're all comfortable with how things are and will just see where it goes.
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Parental Hearing Order
8th November is the date! No idea if Cafcass will speak with me in person or over the phone first, the court lady said to just wait and see what happens but that's the date of the next hearing. The lady said it was 'the final hearing' but on my paperwork, it simply says 'directions hearing', which is what the first hearing in Bristol in July said...
So ready for this to be over and November seems so far away - though I know it's really not. Weird to think I'll of had 2 babies almost within 12 months! I just HOPE this is the final hearing and the PO will be granted then and we can close the book on our journey.
So ready for this to be over and November seems so far away - though I know it's really not. Weird to think I'll of had 2 babies almost within 12 months! I just HOPE this is the final hearing and the PO will be granted then and we can close the book on our journey.
Thursday, 22 August 2013
Here It Is!
My new blog, I would love it if you followed along as you have done on this one!
Czech Mate Surrogacy
Czech Mate Surrogacy
Wednesday, 21 August 2013
No Title
I was passing through this blog, on the way to my new one which will be revealed in a short while but I saw how quiet this one has now become. I am so jaded by how things have gone now with this journey that I haven't even had the energy to update properly.
Basically, in a nutshell, my (now former) IFs ended up being asses at the end - just as they had been pretty much all the way through our match, on and off. It wasn't all bad and we of course have the beautiful Oliver as a result but yeah, it was pretty shit at the end.
It all boils down to borrowing of some money, control issues, lying, manipulation, more drama and a whole lot of acting less than nicely.
It completely soured everything, I just thought that after all I'd done and given them, they would never of behaved in that manner. I can't say I was 100% blameless, I'm not smug enough to say that but pretty close to it.
Yes, e-mails have since been exchanged and apologies were issued but it got so disgustingly awful for a while that I'm not sure any amount of apologies can make that better which is unfortunate as we all had different expectations and higher hopes but when you continually make bad decisions and tread down a path, like they did then you cannot expect a sorry or 2 can smooth it all over. I simply cannot forget or forgive.
Anyway, despite that we have been trying to get the Parental Order sorted but even that seems to of turned into a bloody nightmare and it's just going on and on. I can't help but be resentful that if they had put the application in sooner, we would be all finished and signed off by now but yet again, even that ended up a total clusterfuck.
For some reason, the judge has transferred it to my IFs local court - you would of thought that at some point prior to the actual hearing, someone in the system would of said 'hmmm, shouldn't this be heard there and not here?' but nope, no-one did and so from what I'm lead to believe, I should of received some paperwork regarding that move and what happens next but no, nothing and it's been a good few weeks now. I refuse to chase anything up, I can't make anything move quicker anyway and all it does it irritate me all over again so here I sit, waiting for the next step and hoping it happens sooner rather than later because I am done, so very done and want the official line drawn under the whole thing I'm afraid. This was not how I envisaged the final chapter turning out.
I'm pretty glad with hindsight that I didn't come bleating here about every little (although not so little actually) thing that has happened between IFs and I since Oli arrived because it would of been seen as dramatic and not kind but this way, I can say simply that it has been a horrid time, lots of tears and sleepless nights for me but fingers crossed it is all coming to a conclusion in the very near future and lots of lessons have been learnt.
Basically, in a nutshell, my (now former) IFs ended up being asses at the end - just as they had been pretty much all the way through our match, on and off. It wasn't all bad and we of course have the beautiful Oliver as a result but yeah, it was pretty shit at the end.
It all boils down to borrowing of some money, control issues, lying, manipulation, more drama and a whole lot of acting less than nicely.
It completely soured everything, I just thought that after all I'd done and given them, they would never of behaved in that manner. I can't say I was 100% blameless, I'm not smug enough to say that but pretty close to it.
Yes, e-mails have since been exchanged and apologies were issued but it got so disgustingly awful for a while that I'm not sure any amount of apologies can make that better which is unfortunate as we all had different expectations and higher hopes but when you continually make bad decisions and tread down a path, like they did then you cannot expect a sorry or 2 can smooth it all over. I simply cannot forget or forgive.
Anyway, despite that we have been trying to get the Parental Order sorted but even that seems to of turned into a bloody nightmare and it's just going on and on. I can't help but be resentful that if they had put the application in sooner, we would be all finished and signed off by now but yet again, even that ended up a total clusterfuck.
For some reason, the judge has transferred it to my IFs local court - you would of thought that at some point prior to the actual hearing, someone in the system would of said 'hmmm, shouldn't this be heard there and not here?' but nope, no-one did and so from what I'm lead to believe, I should of received some paperwork regarding that move and what happens next but no, nothing and it's been a good few weeks now. I refuse to chase anything up, I can't make anything move quicker anyway and all it does it irritate me all over again so here I sit, waiting for the next step and hoping it happens sooner rather than later because I am done, so very done and want the official line drawn under the whole thing I'm afraid. This was not how I envisaged the final chapter turning out.
I'm pretty glad with hindsight that I didn't come bleating here about every little (although not so little actually) thing that has happened between IFs and I since Oli arrived because it would of been seen as dramatic and not kind but this way, I can say simply that it has been a horrid time, lots of tears and sleepless nights for me but fingers crossed it is all coming to a conclusion in the very near future and lots of lessons have been learnt.
Friday, 9 August 2013
Waiting
Once again, nothing really to report. The PO paperwork has been submitted and the preliminary hearing, to assign the CAFCASS officer went ahead a week or so ago now and so it's a matter of waiting for them to get in touch and going through the motions.
I believe Oli is doing well and thriving, but things continue to be strained to be honest unfortunately.
Meanwhile things are taking off for me in another direction and keeping me and my mind busy and helping to soothe past experiences.
Sorry it's a short post again but I truly have nothing to report at this stage!
I believe Oli is doing well and thriving, but things continue to be strained to be honest unfortunately.
Meanwhile things are taking off for me in another direction and keeping me and my mind busy and helping to soothe past experiences.
Sorry it's a short post again but I truly have nothing to report at this stage!
Friday, 28 June 2013
Calm
I have nothing to report on to be honest, as far as I'm aware the paperwork for the Parental Order was submitted to the courts and I've heard nothing yet.
I have no real contact with my former IPs and so have nothing to update about in that regard.
As for me, I'm well and still look back at Oli fondly. Do I wish a lot of things had been different? Of course. Do I wish the outcome had been? Not at all. I've got a new blog but am keeping it private for now but will share in due course, pretty much similar to this blog but with a twist. ;o)
If and when things move forwards with the PO, I'll be back with an update about the process!
I have no real contact with my former IPs and so have nothing to update about in that regard.
As for me, I'm well and still look back at Oli fondly. Do I wish a lot of things had been different? Of course. Do I wish the outcome had been? Not at all. I've got a new blog but am keeping it private for now but will share in due course, pretty much similar to this blog but with a twist. ;o)
If and when things move forwards with the PO, I'll be back with an update about the process!
Monday, 20 May 2013
Moving On
Whilst I'm not ready to talk about what's happened with regards to my FIPs (former Intended Parents) publically, I want to talk about how I'm doing this far out post-partum.
Physically I'm feeling fine, all the baby making bits seem to be working as before - I've had 3 AFs and all have been as expected and it appears I'm ovulating on a regular basis as before so that's all good. Nothing broken!
Mentally I'm doing okay, with everything that's happened I have been a bit up and down at times, as you'd expect but for the most part I feel good! Most importantly, no regrets still about my first journey.
I do think about Oliver and how he's doing, I no longer receive updates but I know he'll be just fine. I thought I'd feel sad about that part of the breakdown of the relationship and I was upset at first but now it's just how it is - I'm more upset that a promise was broken and that my children have been affected by that but I've explained that that's just how things happen sometimes but that Oliver will be doing well.
Looking forwards, I definitely want to do another journey and now we're almost half a year post-birth, I feel that I'm able to make the decision about that with clarity and certainty and know that it's the right one. It has nothing to do with moving on and forgetting my first journey, I just have the over-whelming urge to do it all over again and help make another family complete and frankly, I think I'm pretty darn awesome at doing it too!
So, the search for my next couple has begun and I've made some lovely contacts. I seem to be a lady in demand currently which is nice, not least because it's always flattering to be wanted but also because it means I have the opportunity to really get to know a couple and make sure that the fit is right for me. I've decided that if anything feels wrong then I have to move along, no matter how awful I may feel for letting potential IPs down - I've done things the wrong way in the past and I don't want to repeat those mistakes and if that means being a little more selective and somewhat selfish in who I choose then so be it I'm afraid.
When I have something to report, of course I'll be back to update but until then it is just networking and making new friends - neither of which you can do too much of in the surrogacy world.
Physically I'm feeling fine, all the baby making bits seem to be working as before - I've had 3 AFs and all have been as expected and it appears I'm ovulating on a regular basis as before so that's all good. Nothing broken!
Mentally I'm doing okay, with everything that's happened I have been a bit up and down at times, as you'd expect but for the most part I feel good! Most importantly, no regrets still about my first journey.
I do think about Oliver and how he's doing, I no longer receive updates but I know he'll be just fine. I thought I'd feel sad about that part of the breakdown of the relationship and I was upset at first but now it's just how it is - I'm more upset that a promise was broken and that my children have been affected by that but I've explained that that's just how things happen sometimes but that Oliver will be doing well.
Looking forwards, I definitely want to do another journey and now we're almost half a year post-birth, I feel that I'm able to make the decision about that with clarity and certainty and know that it's the right one. It has nothing to do with moving on and forgetting my first journey, I just have the over-whelming urge to do it all over again and help make another family complete and frankly, I think I'm pretty darn awesome at doing it too!
So, the search for my next couple has begun and I've made some lovely contacts. I seem to be a lady in demand currently which is nice, not least because it's always flattering to be wanted but also because it means I have the opportunity to really get to know a couple and make sure that the fit is right for me. I've decided that if anything feels wrong then I have to move along, no matter how awful I may feel for letting potential IPs down - I've done things the wrong way in the past and I don't want to repeat those mistakes and if that means being a little more selective and somewhat selfish in who I choose then so be it I'm afraid.
When I have something to report, of course I'll be back to update but until then it is just networking and making new friends - neither of which you can do too much of in the surrogacy world.
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
Brief Hello, Big Warning
It's been a while since I was last here and this one will be short at present but things have turned sour between K, B and I unfortunately and they have made things awkward and unncessarily complicated with regards to literally signing the dotted line so we can finish the journey and get the Parental Order paperwork signed off.
I cannot say any more at this time but all my readers know that I am open about everything to do with surrogacy, good or bad and this is no different but due to the nature of what's happening, I do not feel comfortable at this point to type the whole sorry saga out.
I know they have restricted their blog (nothing like hiding the evidence when you're guilty I suppose) and that some followed their blog before and perhaps will be invited to continue to do so but don't believe what you may hear or read because in all probability they are lies. My actions up until this point speak volumes about me, my part in the match and who I am as a person and as a surrogate - I am and always have been myself and I have done absolutely nothing to cause their behaviour.
Thanks for sticking with the blog, I hope to come back very soon and openly explain what's been happening but right now I'm truly hoping just not to become part of a 'surrogacy-gone-bad' real life story.
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
366 Days Ago
Monday, 22 April 2013
All's Working Well
On this special 'baby-versary', I'm enjoying my first proper post-partum cycle of charting, my OPK being + when expected and the sending off of agency forms to signal the start of a new chapter in my surrogacy journey - it's all coming together nicely, the sun is shining again and life feels pretty good!
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Thoughts
I wasn't going to write this because it will probably offend or upset but then I thought 'what the heck, it's my blog after all!' It's difficult because I know first hand how this sort of post will be received and judged but you know what, I'm OK with that because regardless of what others think, at least I know I've stayed true to the spirit of the blog and held nothing back.
I don't even know where to start really but I suppose I will begin by saying that I've become distant from my previous IPs for one reason or another and although it's natural that we'll drift apart, it just feels awkward. Almost icky, for want of a better word. I mean, I am moving on and so are they - that's not a negative thing but I suppose I didn't believe it would happen so easily. As a surrogate, you are used to feeling needed and having people depending on you and so when they stand on their own and walk away, without you or even a glance behind, that's an uncomfortable feeling.
They are excellent parents and I did what I said I would, I kept my word to the letter and my job is done and I expected it to be this way - and, for the most part had made peace with that before it happened or so I thought but it's another one of those things, like much of surrogacy, you never know until you're there.
I guess I've just realised that despite good intentions and promises, you are just a vessel and a means to an end and things change quickly once baby is here. Sure, there's a connection, a bond that will always endure in one way or another but at the end of the day, you are just in their lives to fulfil a purpose, when all is said and done. It's a difficult realisation that you're simply no longer as important as you once were.
We've had our ups and downs and I admit to still harbouring feelings over things that have happened but I try not to dwell on them because at the end of it all - the effort and sacrifices were not in vain and a beautiful and much wanted baby was born and a family made complete but I think that's just it, as a surrogate you make most of the sacrifices, certainly the biggest ones, and you are the one who loses the most in the end.
I'm proud, exceptionally so, I proved myself right and all of the doubters wrong and I did something that so few people can ever say they have known the joy of but I wonder how much of myself I lost along the way. I think in this case, I gave way more than I ever got back by the end of it and that's something that I won't repeat again in any future journeys and is probably the bitterest pill to swallow. When you maybe only have to try a couple of cycles before you get that bfp, I can imagine it is probably all much easier when the relationship comes to an end. I wanted to believe we had something deeper and more special but actually, that was not the case.
But, this post is not meant to be negative but rather an honest reflection of how I am truly feeling at this point post-match and it's important to me that I recognise and record these feelings as they happen.
I don't even know where to start really but I suppose I will begin by saying that I've become distant from my previous IPs for one reason or another and although it's natural that we'll drift apart, it just feels awkward. Almost icky, for want of a better word. I mean, I am moving on and so are they - that's not a negative thing but I suppose I didn't believe it would happen so easily. As a surrogate, you are used to feeling needed and having people depending on you and so when they stand on their own and walk away, without you or even a glance behind, that's an uncomfortable feeling.
They are excellent parents and I did what I said I would, I kept my word to the letter and my job is done and I expected it to be this way - and, for the most part had made peace with that before it happened or so I thought but it's another one of those things, like much of surrogacy, you never know until you're there.
I guess I've just realised that despite good intentions and promises, you are just a vessel and a means to an end and things change quickly once baby is here. Sure, there's a connection, a bond that will always endure in one way or another but at the end of the day, you are just in their lives to fulfil a purpose, when all is said and done. It's a difficult realisation that you're simply no longer as important as you once were.
We've had our ups and downs and I admit to still harbouring feelings over things that have happened but I try not to dwell on them because at the end of it all - the effort and sacrifices were not in vain and a beautiful and much wanted baby was born and a family made complete but I think that's just it, as a surrogate you make most of the sacrifices, certainly the biggest ones, and you are the one who loses the most in the end.
I'm proud, exceptionally so, I proved myself right and all of the doubters wrong and I did something that so few people can ever say they have known the joy of but I wonder how much of myself I lost along the way. I think in this case, I gave way more than I ever got back by the end of it and that's something that I won't repeat again in any future journeys and is probably the bitterest pill to swallow. When you maybe only have to try a couple of cycles before you get that bfp, I can imagine it is probably all much easier when the relationship comes to an end. I wanted to believe we had something deeper and more special but actually, that was not the case.
But, this post is not meant to be negative but rather an honest reflection of how I am truly feeling at this point post-match and it's important to me that I recognise and record these feelings as they happen.
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
She Landed!
AF arrived at last and thank goodness because the hormonal storm swirling over my house was not pretty and was gathering momentum with each passing day!
Now I'll begin charting again whilst I decide which direction to take. At this point, I'm pretty much over it all but that's because I've had a crappy few months with being messed around and I'm pretty fed up with the whole thing but I know that will probably change. I'm desperate to do it all again but I'm not in a hurry to jump in with both feet and make bad decisions so I'll bide my time, however long that may end up being and see what happens.
Still considering joining an agency, which I swore I wasn't interested in doing but the idea of having potential IPs handed to you on a plate is appealing. I like the idea of not having to chase IPs and invest a ton of time and effort, to find out myself that they aren't serious, financially ready or able.
Nothing else to update about!
Now I'll begin charting again whilst I decide which direction to take. At this point, I'm pretty much over it all but that's because I've had a crappy few months with being messed around and I'm pretty fed up with the whole thing but I know that will probably change. I'm desperate to do it all again but I'm not in a hurry to jump in with both feet and make bad decisions so I'll bide my time, however long that may end up being and see what happens.
Still considering joining an agency, which I swore I wasn't interested in doing but the idea of having potential IPs handed to you on a plate is appealing. I like the idea of not having to chase IPs and invest a ton of time and effort, to find out myself that they aren't serious, financially ready or able.
Nothing else to update about!
Sunday, 24 March 2013
Wicked Weekend!
I had a fantastic time seeing K and baby Oli this past weekend, K had a work course to attend near to Bristol and so combined that with popping down to see us. Sadly B couldn't make it this time because he's been juggling work and family commitments. We certainly missed you, Mr R!
It made sense for me to babysit Oli whilst K did his work stuff and so I bit his hand off when he suggested it! Cuddling a baby? Yes please. Smooshing my surrobaby? Hell YES! A no-brainer.
K and I had something to eat the evening before and it was lovely. As soon as I stepped out of the car, I couldn't hide my happiness at seeing him again. Barr a few small bags under his eyes, it was like old times! Still as gorgeous though, K, don't worry! ;) And with a gorgeous small person in tow, to make it even better.
Oli was sleeping when I first saw him but soon wanted to join in the reunion and t was so sweet to see his face trying to figure out where he knew this voice from! He has got so big, with lovely chubby cheeks and chunky little legs - exactly as a baby should be. He's also the most content, placid and sweet natured boy who allowed me to love on him and give him lots of cuddles.
Next morning, I had my youngest's belated birthday party and so K came along. He frankly looked shell-shocked at the level of noise a building full of small children can make but the best part was watching the other mum's try and figure out the logistics of our situation. They obviously know I was pregnant, they know I haven't brought any baby along to school drop off or pick up and then they saw this seemingly single man, obviously gay and with a tiny baby in tow, whom I couldn't take my eyes off of. I'm pretty sure I could smell the burning as the cogs of their minds went into overdrive. Haha!
After an hour, K made an escape to get changed for work and settle Oli at my house and we joined him after the party had finished. My children loved seeing Oli and were over the moon to get the opportunity to babysit him. Oli was very obliging of being handled for cuddles and gave them all lots of smiles.
I loved being able to stroke his sweet head and kiss those cheeks - I didn't feel any bond though, I love babies in general and Oli was no different but there was no tug at my heart or sadness that I didn't get to do this on a daily basis. In the flesh, he doesn't really look like me or my children btw, it's a strange thought.
We had a fabulous few hours with him and then it was time to return him to his rightful owner! It was great to have him with us but I was fine when it was time to say goodbye. I loved every second of the day and felt very privileged that I have trusting IPs who trusted me with their son and allowed me that special time. So many IPs just shove their surrogate to the sidelines once the main job is done and dusted and they have little regard to how that makes a surrogate feel. A little meeting and a chance for a cuddle every so often can do wonders to keep the good relationship going, to help soothe an aching heart and to allow the surrogate to maintain that small bond that they will always have with the baby they grew and carried for so long.
The trouble is, I think some IPs are scared of allowing a surrogate access to their child, they fret that she may feel a bond and suddenly change her mind. It could happen I suppose but for the most part, if a surrogate has actively tried for a child they knew they will ultimately give that child over that child and all without issue then it's pretty safe to assume a cuddle isn't going to alter that.
I'm still struggling with the shift in our relationship, I wish I could say different. All 3 are special in my heart and always will be but it really is time to mentally adjust and begin moving forwards. I'm happy and sad, a very mixed feeling.
I've been actively talking to potential IPs still and making some lovely contacts and hopefully have some meetings lined up in the next month or so, so we'll see how that goes. I don't know why, but I do feel like I'm not entirely whole-heartedly into it right now, I'm excited and loving making special contacts but I do believe it's all down to my mindset and I'm the only one who can change that - it's just a matter of time and allowing that connection to form and taking it from there.
Oh and on a final note, still no AF. Where, oh where, is she?!
It made sense for me to babysit Oli whilst K did his work stuff and so I bit his hand off when he suggested it! Cuddling a baby? Yes please. Smooshing my surrobaby? Hell YES! A no-brainer.
K and I had something to eat the evening before and it was lovely. As soon as I stepped out of the car, I couldn't hide my happiness at seeing him again. Barr a few small bags under his eyes, it was like old times! Still as gorgeous though, K, don't worry! ;) And with a gorgeous small person in tow, to make it even better.
Oli was sleeping when I first saw him but soon wanted to join in the reunion and t was so sweet to see his face trying to figure out where he knew this voice from! He has got so big, with lovely chubby cheeks and chunky little legs - exactly as a baby should be. He's also the most content, placid and sweet natured boy who allowed me to love on him and give him lots of cuddles.
Next morning, I had my youngest's belated birthday party and so K came along. He frankly looked shell-shocked at the level of noise a building full of small children can make but the best part was watching the other mum's try and figure out the logistics of our situation. They obviously know I was pregnant, they know I haven't brought any baby along to school drop off or pick up and then they saw this seemingly single man, obviously gay and with a tiny baby in tow, whom I couldn't take my eyes off of. I'm pretty sure I could smell the burning as the cogs of their minds went into overdrive. Haha!
After an hour, K made an escape to get changed for work and settle Oli at my house and we joined him after the party had finished. My children loved seeing Oli and were over the moon to get the opportunity to babysit him. Oli was very obliging of being handled for cuddles and gave them all lots of smiles.
I loved being able to stroke his sweet head and kiss those cheeks - I didn't feel any bond though, I love babies in general and Oli was no different but there was no tug at my heart or sadness that I didn't get to do this on a daily basis. In the flesh, he doesn't really look like me or my children btw, it's a strange thought.
We had a fabulous few hours with him and then it was time to return him to his rightful owner! It was great to have him with us but I was fine when it was time to say goodbye. I loved every second of the day and felt very privileged that I have trusting IPs who trusted me with their son and allowed me that special time. So many IPs just shove their surrogate to the sidelines once the main job is done and dusted and they have little regard to how that makes a surrogate feel. A little meeting and a chance for a cuddle every so often can do wonders to keep the good relationship going, to help soothe an aching heart and to allow the surrogate to maintain that small bond that they will always have with the baby they grew and carried for so long.
The trouble is, I think some IPs are scared of allowing a surrogate access to their child, they fret that she may feel a bond and suddenly change her mind. It could happen I suppose but for the most part, if a surrogate has actively tried for a child they knew they will ultimately give that child over that child and all without issue then it's pretty safe to assume a cuddle isn't going to alter that.
I'm still struggling with the shift in our relationship, I wish I could say different. All 3 are special in my heart and always will be but it really is time to mentally adjust and begin moving forwards. I'm happy and sad, a very mixed feeling.
I've been actively talking to potential IPs still and making some lovely contacts and hopefully have some meetings lined up in the next month or so, so we'll see how that goes. I don't know why, but I do feel like I'm not entirely whole-heartedly into it right now, I'm excited and loving making special contacts but I do believe it's all down to my mindset and I'm the only one who can change that - it's just a matter of time and allowing that connection to form and taking it from there.
Oh and on a final note, still no AF. Where, oh where, is she?!
Saturday, 9 March 2013
Broody
AF still hasn't landed in my house yet (8 weeks and counting) but I'm really ready to jump back into ttc! I'm in hormonal hell currently so hoping it is because she's not too far away.
I've had a fair bit of interest from various sites and existing contacts but nothing has jumped out at me and made me want to take things further. I'm having confidence issues too, which is crazy given I've 'proven' myself, which should make me feel good about putting myself out there and forwards, but no, some things never change!
Oli is getting bigger and cuter, he has started to sleep through the night sometimes I hear, which is lovely for his sleep-deprived parents. He also had his first set of vaccinations today and I hear both him and his dads were brave. I'm finally starting to see a bit of myself when I look at pictures of him but it doesn't bother me at all, just nice to see how much he changes.
Not much else to say really but felt I should post something to keep the blog ticking over.
I've had a fair bit of interest from various sites and existing contacts but nothing has jumped out at me and made me want to take things further. I'm having confidence issues too, which is crazy given I've 'proven' myself, which should make me feel good about putting myself out there and forwards, but no, some things never change!
Oli is getting bigger and cuter, he has started to sleep through the night sometimes I hear, which is lovely for his sleep-deprived parents. He also had his first set of vaccinations today and I hear both him and his dads were brave. I'm finally starting to see a bit of myself when I look at pictures of him but it doesn't bother me at all, just nice to see how much he changes.
Not much else to say really but felt I should post something to keep the blog ticking over.
Friday, 8 March 2013
83 Down, Just 1 To Go!
(For some reason this post got re-saved and dated 8th March but was actually from the middle of Feb)
Hurrah, the day has finally come - the final injection! Yaaaaaay, I will not be sad to never see one of these again. It's got progressively harder to find a spot that wasn't tender, to avoid pain and even harder to control my anxiety every time 9am or 9pm rolled around. Still, they kept me healthy and so for that, I forgive them!
What's happened here since my last post? Hmm. Not much really! Some small time drama on a group I was part of, which led to me being deleted - and K too. Meh. I'm over it and we have now started our own facebook surrogacy group. I just figured that K and I have more than enough experience of almost every aspect of traditional surrogacy that we can offer something to others perhaps and at least I can be myself on this board. If you fancy being a part of it and being a member where a difference of opinion and a good debate is welcome then feel free to join us. If you're reading this as a member of another board, rest assured that there is no secrecy or drama, you're as welcome to join as anyone else so please do, just ask!
I've been up and down to Scotland a lot, being with my mum and gran. I'm pleased to say that both are now home and slowly but surely getting back into the little routine they had going pre-accident and my mum's hip is getting better with time.
Gorgeous baby Oliver is thriving and as cute as a button, he is so squishable. I keep telling K and B how much I want to smoosh his little cheeks and give him a big kiss, he looks absolutely adorable. The boys are still adjusting to life without sleep and little routine but are as happy as anything and it melts my heart what a lovely little family they are. Oh and he still looks nothing like me!
As for another match, well there has been a discussion between K, B and I about a sibling project but nothing has been agreed. In the meantime, I did talk to some other potential matches and had K and B's blessing to do so - which although to some wasn't necessary, felt the right thing to do for me. Some were promising and some fizzled out at an early stage. Also, there are other possible obstacles that may prevent anything happening at all - a sibling project included but I'm not ready to reveal yet because I don't want to have to backtrack if things don't move in that direction after all.
I have my 6 week post-baby check up with the GP next week. Not expecting anything exciting to come from it, hoping my bp has remained stable and that everything is as it should be. I have a telephone consultation next this week regarding the blood tests I had taken, that I mentioned in my last post. I was told it was non-urgent but that the doctor wanted to speak with me, I'm pretty sure it'll be iron related - as it normally is so I'm not concerned.
Still waiting for the arrival of AF, I constantly feel like she will be here but nothing as yet. I can't recall if they returned earlier or later than this with my own 3 and really, it doesn't matter but I would just like to get that part back on track too and have it out the way - well until next month anyway.
Hoping for life to return to some sense of calm and normality after a crazy few months, unfortunately with 2 out of 3 children off school sick currently, I will have to wait just a little while longer!
Hurrah, the day has finally come - the final injection! Yaaaaaay, I will not be sad to never see one of these again. It's got progressively harder to find a spot that wasn't tender, to avoid pain and even harder to control my anxiety every time 9am or 9pm rolled around. Still, they kept me healthy and so for that, I forgive them!
What's happened here since my last post? Hmm. Not much really! Some small time drama on a group I was part of, which led to me being deleted - and K too. Meh. I'm over it and we have now started our own facebook surrogacy group. I just figured that K and I have more than enough experience of almost every aspect of traditional surrogacy that we can offer something to others perhaps and at least I can be myself on this board. If you fancy being a part of it and being a member where a difference of opinion and a good debate is welcome then feel free to join us. If you're reading this as a member of another board, rest assured that there is no secrecy or drama, you're as welcome to join as anyone else so please do, just ask!
I've been up and down to Scotland a lot, being with my mum and gran. I'm pleased to say that both are now home and slowly but surely getting back into the little routine they had going pre-accident and my mum's hip is getting better with time.
Gorgeous baby Oliver is thriving and as cute as a button, he is so squishable. I keep telling K and B how much I want to smoosh his little cheeks and give him a big kiss, he looks absolutely adorable. The boys are still adjusting to life without sleep and little routine but are as happy as anything and it melts my heart what a lovely little family they are. Oh and he still looks nothing like me!
As for another match, well there has been a discussion between K, B and I about a sibling project but nothing has been agreed. In the meantime, I did talk to some other potential matches and had K and B's blessing to do so - which although to some wasn't necessary, felt the right thing to do for me. Some were promising and some fizzled out at an early stage. Also, there are other possible obstacles that may prevent anything happening at all - a sibling project included but I'm not ready to reveal yet because I don't want to have to backtrack if things don't move in that direction after all.
I have my 6 week post-baby check up with the GP next week. Not expecting anything exciting to come from it, hoping my bp has remained stable and that everything is as it should be. I have a telephone consultation next this week regarding the blood tests I had taken, that I mentioned in my last post. I was told it was non-urgent but that the doctor wanted to speak with me, I'm pretty sure it'll be iron related - as it normally is so I'm not concerned.
Still waiting for the arrival of AF, I constantly feel like she will be here but nothing as yet. I can't recall if they returned earlier or later than this with my own 3 and really, it doesn't matter but I would just like to get that part back on track too and have it out the way - well until next month anyway.
Hoping for life to return to some sense of calm and normality after a crazy few months, unfortunately with 2 out of 3 children off school sick currently, I will have to wait just a little while longer!
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