Quiet

I'm not sure what I can update with but I stop by here and see that people are still looking so I should write something and being awake at 3am seemed like a good time to do it!

Coming here though doesn't feel great any more so I avoid clicking on for the most part, if I can help it. Perhaps it's being reminded what a long journey it's been, maybe it's seeing all over again just how craptastic some people can be? Whatever it is, I see things here that I would rather not be reminded of to be honest.

Life is so crazy busy here, I don't have time to stop to eat most days (which is no bad thing!), let alone sit down long enough to log onto the computer. I'm really enjoying all the new challenges that I've taken on in the past month though but it is leaving me with very little free time and making me wonder if perhaps my surrogacy plans are no longer feasible.

I already felt I had lost the enthusiasm for it, the end of the last match seems to be lingering and I don't seem to be able to completely let it go, and now it seems I have filled the the free time I once had, to devote to surrogacy too. Maybe things are all falling into place and making my decision for me.

I don't know how I feel about that, I don't feel devastated or anything, in fact more like it was a decision that was made in my mind a while back but that's taken me a while to say out loud.

At this stage, I do still have 2 sets of IPs that I've agreed to meet with and I will see that through with an open mind but if neither spark something in me, I'm going to accept it's over and move on with my life.

No-one can say I haven't given it 110%, sometimes things just aren't meant to be - no matter how much you want them and this is probably going to be one of those times. I owe it to my wonderful husband and 3 beautiful kids to spend less time trying to make others a family and more time enjoying my very own.

As the picture says, I need to let go of the past (surrogacy), to be able to embrace and love what is in my future. Continuing to have surrogacy in my life right now, only seems to dredge up and remind me of the bad stuff that has happened and perpetuates the negative feelings I still hold. Yup, it's a vicious circle and I think I want it to stop.

So, there you have all I've got to say right now. The next update will probably be a telling one, as to which way things are going to go so we'll just have to wait and see.