Happy Easter!

I had hoped to do a post earlier but my computer died on me, well technically speaking it got a virus that stopped me from doing anything but yeah, dead is a pretty good, accurate but non-technical term really. It will hopefully be restored to working order and returned to me at the begining of the week.

I've borrowed my mother's laptop, this thing is ancient (and massive!) and the i and f keys are missing so you have to smack the metal where the keys were and it makes for tedious typing and sore fingers after a while but, I'm happy to be able to get online from something other than my phone so I'm not complaining too loudly!

We're nearly done with what seems to of been the longest Easter Break ever. Too many Bank Holidays for my liking, I detest Bank Holidays infact - it's like time stands still, nearly everything is shut and people flock to the places where I usually take the children so we end up doing very little and in my case, clock watching just to make through the day. Ugh.

Anyway, Clomid all finished for another cycle but hopefully for good obviously. The worst side effects were the mental ones, gotta be honest and say if that is what might happen next cycle, I'm dreading it already. The worst withdrawal effect I had was a severe headache and whilst horrible, it was manageable.

I'm going to Kent this cycle again, for insems so am looking forward to seeing the guys and luckily it's over yet another long Bank Holiday weekend so this is one where I won't be stuck clock watching!

We are also hoping that my body follows last cycle and I ovulate at the same point as I did before, which is usually the case on Clomid and will mean we have perfect timing yet again. I begin using OPKs tomorrow and charting my cervical mucus and position, last cycle I had begun all of that already by this point but I'm taking a more relaxed approach to it which is a theme all 3 of us are trying out this cycle, chilling.

K has been doing research online regarding syringe procedures and some other bits and bobs so we're thinking about tackling things a bit differently this time around, I'll update more specifically when I return, when I know how things went.

On a final note, B was watching a programme that featured a story about a fertility monitor that claims to be as effective as IVF. It's fascinating though, you wear a patch under your arm and download information from it every few days, via your computer, and that information is sent to a team of fertility specialists who analyse it and advise you of your fertile days BEFORE they happen. Allowing more accurate timing of intercourse/insems. It works by taking your temperature up to 20,000 times per day and detecting minute changes. Like BBT on a continuous and mammoth scale basically. And best of all, that means it eliminates the 4:45am wake up alarm I face daily to do my temp!

It claims to be 99% accurate at identifying a woman's most fertile days, up to 6 days in advance. Of course it's expensive but there are 2 options and 1 offers a money back guarantee if you don't conceive within 12 months - impressive stuff.

If you want to read more, you can find all the info here : www.duofertility.com

Brighter

I didn't like seeing the last post everytime I came to my blog, such gloom and since I'm feeling much happier today, I thought I'd bump that one down and this one up top.

As I said, I'm feeling better today and AF is thinking about vacating the premises so perhaps it was mainly those hormones at play and not so much the Clomid.

Today I spent a good part of the day in the fresh air and time with the kids, spring is truly here and we are trying to make the most of the nice weather whilst the children are on Easter Holiday from school. It was just what I needed, oh and some retail therapy was thrown in there too for good measure.

Clomid wise, apart from a terrible night last night where I saw far too many of the early hours on the bedside clock and ended up with about 3 hours sleep, I'm not feeling too bad, although in fairness, I think I had my fill yesterday! However, I am noticing the bloating creeping in again though so I'm hoping it doesn't develop as drastically as last cycle but we'll just have to see.

It'll soon be time for us to make some plans for around this time next week, it's crazy how the time just flies by this part of my cycle and yet drags so badly in the 2ww. I'm looking forward to seeing K & B again, we've decided to try the alternative insem method this time which will be interesting - using a syringe. All of us have done that method before with previous arrangements but it'll be a first in our match. Not nervous at all, it's a bit fiddly but we thought why not mix things up a little since we've done 4 cycles now with Instead Cups and it can't hurt and may help, we'll see I guess!

Simply Blah

I'm not doing so good today - warning, pity party for one coming up...

So, AF is here and what I had been reading regarding Clomid making for a bad AF has come true. It's bad bad. Think 5 changes of heavy duty stuff in 7 hours. Ugh. And painful. The pain began the day she arrived but has increased, it's pretty constant - although in all fairness, the pain could also be the residual UTI/kidney thing and Clomid/ovary stuff in the mix too.

I'm no baby, AF has never been particularly kind when visiting me but yeah, painkillers are my new best friend right now.

And then the Clomid side effects have started too. I've got to say with lightning speed too this cycle but they are definitely making their presence felt. In no particular order :

• Fatigue but also sleeplessness - Such a fun combination. Not.
• Nausea - Started after the 3rd tablet this morning. At least in this part of my cycle, I can take something to help with that thankfully.
• Headache - Nagging rather than horrendous which is one good point.
• Brain fog - This, as I said last cycle, is not a good one for me especially. Makes me feel on edge and disorientated.
• Hot flushes - Which actually are more of the night variety this time around - waking up with everything stuck to you is so not attractive. Or pleasant.
• Feeling blue - A new one, that and not very welcome either. AF hormones + Clomid hormones = not a very chirpy me right now.
  

The last one actually is the one that bothers me the most. Anything that can have an effect on my brain/mood scares the crap out of me. I don't like feeling odd or out of control, it raises my anxiety level by about 11. And what makes this worse is that this side effect took me by surprise, I was jumpy last cycle thinking I may have something of this nature but it never happened, I then thought this cycle would follow suit and so was unprepared to feel like this.

So anyway, I'm taking lots of deep breaths and reminding myself that this is only for a short amount of time and for a fantastic reason which helps a bit.

Again, same as last month, this time tomorrow, I'll be halfway done with the dreaded pills so I'm also focusing on that right now but I am desperate to snap out of this as I'm sure I'm not exactly being the best mother and wife right now.

I'm going out shortly to enjoy the gorgeous weather we're having here and hopefully the fresh air will do me some good and lift my spirits.

/whine

My Chart - Clomid Cycle 1

I thought it may be helpful to others, to see what a confirmed ovulatory chart may look like. You're not focusing on individual temperatures, more the overal pattern which clearly shows the different phases of the cycle.

Clomid Attempt 2

Journey 1:

Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12 (took B6)

Unmatched:

Cycle 7: Length: 24 and LP: ? (not tracking ovulation obviously)
Cycle 8: Length: 26 and LP: ?
Cycle 9: Length: 27 and LP: ?

K & B stats:

Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)

The Finish Line

Temp dropped right below the cover line this morning and so this cycle is a bust.

Of course I'm sad about it not being our BFP cycle and even more so given the significance of dates this cycle, which includes that I won't have a baby this year now but that's how it goes. Nothing in ttc is guaranteed, we did our best.

I take some positives from this cycle though :

• I ovulated. And it seems my blood test timing was slightly out so the level was most probably higher than 32.

• Side effects of Clomid weren't as bad as I was fearing. Certainly manageable.

• I had a pretty textbook cycle, ovulating on CD15 and with a 13 day LP.

• It seems OPKs aren't quite as accurate as we were thinking so we can now time insems better after what we've learnt this cycle about my body.

• IFs and I got to spend some quality time together.

• Charting seems to work very well for me.

So, it's not all doom and gloom, I'm actually feeling pretty relieved that at least the end is definitely in sight and we can all move forwards. The waiting was way worse than the reality.

The timing of her arrival is better than it could of been too since it now means that insems won't clash with my short break away with the family. And it also means I don't have to endure another (would be pointless since I'm not pregnant) blood test - My poor vein hasn't recovered from the last draw. Ouch.

Most couples fall pregnant within the first 3 cycles of Clomid, or so I've read, with the majority within 6 months. Considering we're only just on Clomid Cycle 2 and 5 overal, we've so far yet to go with this.

And anyway, as K pointed out this morning, it just means we'll now have an Olympic year baby which makes me laugh, if you know me, you too. Also hopefully we can make B's big birthday year memorable for the right reasons along the way.

The only other thing to update about is that I spent yesterday in a considerable amount of pain with what turned out to be a UTI/kidney infection. I'm terrible for not drinking enough and I guess I finally paid the price. It was not pleasant and I ended up seeing the Out Of Hours Dr service. K was very assertive on the phone, making me get myself checked out, I'm terrible about causing any fuss and probably wouldn't of gone unless cornered into it so it was all good in the end.

So, for now I'm waiting for tomorrow to come and then the Clomid chaos will begin again and actually, I'm looking forward to it! New cycle, new opportunities and new hope.

LP Confusion

I think I've said, one or twice maybe, before that I hate this part of my cycle. One of the many reasons is the issue of when to test.

Now, this cycle it's a little harder for me since my + OPKs didn't tally with the BBT shift that signalled ovulation. I've heard people claim that BBT is far more accurate at detecting ovulation and for the science behind it, I do agree. I recently read though that BBT can have a margin error of +/- 3 days, not sure how that could be possible, if you release an egg, your temp jumps up and stays elevated. How that could be off 3 days either way, I'm not quite sure. I guess if you have a slow rise, that's a possibility but my jump was clear cut.

And of course the pitfall with OPKs is that all a + one tells you is that your LH surge has been detected and you should ovulate within the next 12-36 hours but we all know that that doesn't always happen. Infact, for a lot of women, the egg is not actually released then, if at all that whole cycle.

So, neither method is full-proof. The only thing I can be certain of this cycle right now is that I did ovulate. Still a big 'woohoo!' about that btw!

Now, before charting, I would always expect AF 10-11 days after my last + OPK. That would put me this cycle, at only 10dpo today. I'm not officially late.

If I go by my BBT chart, I'm currently 12dpo. Officially late once we hit Midnight, what's 2.5 hours here and there - Judging by my temp this morning, I don't think she'll show her face today so I'm pretty confident in saying that I'm late.

Of course that means that I'm considering 2 test dates. Throw in the fact that the egg can be fertilised upto 24 hours after it's released, (whichever cycle date that might of been), add in a possible X amount of time from fertilisation to implantation, X days for implantation to complete properly and then X amount of time on top of that to start producing a detectable level of hCG and well frankly, I'm totally confused about when to test and to be sure of the result.

So, we simply wait and hope to make it through each day without any sign of her appearing and to see what the next morning's temperature looks like. Although that's not a full-proof way of telling if AF is close since some people have a huge temp drop and she arrives that day or the following one and some people stay at a similar temp to the day before and yet she appears anyway. Helpful, not!

Anyway, so yes, we sit it out day after day lately, well until we just say to hell with it and test anyway. And yes, Mr W, I said TEST! ;o)

The bit I'm struggling with at the moment is that it's my body causing stress for K & B and yet there's nothing I can do to reduce that. It's even harder for them though as they can only go on what I put on my chart or what I tell them. They must feel even more in the dark in the 2ww than I do. Though, I hope it's some comfort that it's no easier for me - Misery loves company and all that! :oD

At least, should this not be a successful cycle, I will know for next cycle what to expect in the dreaded 2ww. And that is something positive I take from the uncertainty of now - that it's only for this first cycle and we're almost done and dusted and ready to move on, with more knowledge than before which is really great when all is said and done.

P.s - I know that I've totally jinxed myself with this post. It's like buying a HPT and using it, she turns up within the hour....

32

That is my progesterone blood test result, anything over 30 is ovulation. The receptionist said the lab had written 'definite ovulation' next to it.

For my US friends, that converts to about 10.06 I believe.

So, I'm very very happy with that! If you're releasing an egg, you're in with a chance which is more than we had last cycle at the very least.

I do admit that I was a bit deflated it wasn't higher for some reason, even though I know that the actual level has no bearing on the success of a cycle. I guess we all want a little more of something don't we.

I've read women with levels of 100+ who haven't been pregnant that cycle but also I've read women with levels of 25 (or even lower in a few forums), who have been. I know that Cycle 2, my level was that and we're almost positive that that was a pregnancy cycle.

Maybe that goes some way in explaining why I'm a bit deflated, going from ovulating on my own at a level of 25, to a relatively small jump of +7 on a medicated cycle but I'm looking at the bigger picture that that 7 can make all the difference and at least the Clomid is doing something - more than some women can say after taking it.

Also, perhaps I don't ovulate regularly on my own (we have no idea, 2 x blood tests, 2 cycles and it resulted in 1 probable/low level ovulatory result and 1 with none) and yet on Clomid, since I obviously respond , I will start to, which blatantly gives us more chances of getting that BFP at some point.

The test isn't an exact science, lots of things can alter the result such as if you don't have the blood taken after an overnight fast which is an odd one but true I promise! The result can alter hour by hour too. And I had it done a day later than the ideal, at 8dpo and not 7, due to the weekend and so 32 may not of been my peak level but 32 it is and that means I released an egg and a decent one at that. Yay!!

Now just to see the eventual outcome of Cycle 4, as I said before, my main aim this cycle was to ovulate and anything else was a bonus. That still stands, I'm 10dpo and feeling a bit well, lost to be honest. I don't know what to think, I still have very odd symptoms but as I've said before, they could be normal for a good ovulatory/medicated cycle.

Since I ovulated the same day as I tend to ovulate on a non-medicated cycle, I think that my LP will remain pretty similar too which leads me to expect AF either tomorrow or Friday, certainly not past the weekend.

I go a bit crazy, as I'm sure regular readers of this blog will already know, at this point in my cycle and just want to know one way or another. I probably find this the most stressful point. It's the feeling of just having no idea, I don't do well with not knowing or waiting - I'm the world's most impatient person to be honest but it's out of my hands and what will be, will be. Or some other crap cliche.

So, watch this space I guess.

Temperature Trouble

I'm still wondering if the thermometer/s (I've now got 3 thanks to forgetting it on a trip away) is up to the job of recording BBT.

They are normal digital, pharmacy fever ones, I remember that type doing the job when I was temping years ago but then my circumstances are different now, such as that I don't have a full nights sleep etc so every .1 will count now in trying to decipher a pattern.

So far, my temp post-o has yet to climb above 36.2 and it's a joke in the family now that there are no digits higher than that on the thermometer. I've tried them on all manner of body areas and on the entire family and yet, only on a handful of occassions has the thermometer even read normal body temp.

This morning, I fumbled for the damn thing yet again, bleary eyed at 4:30am and took it. Again, predictibly, it read 36.1. Without doing much more more than hitting the reset button, I took it again and this time, it was 36.3. How?! No, not really, I know the science bit, that just waking can make even a small change in degrees but seriously though, in reality, how?

I was so tempted to put that higher temp into my chart, it looked far more exciting than the lower value but no, that would be cheating and really, it wouldn't benefit us in the long run so I begrudgingly put the first reading in. Gah.

Many women must think the same thing as FF (charting site) even says to 'avoid altering temperatures or using the more pleasing reading if you've taken several during the night'.

I think next cycle, I'm going to purchase a proper BBT thermometer, they are meant to be much more accurate.

Today's Complaint

Hey, it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to, thank you very much so if you're sick of my Clomid cycle ailments then well, just deal with it! LOL.

Today's complaint is cramping. And boy, it's nothing if not persistent since I've had it nearly continuously since this morning. Yesterday it was present on and off, still as annoying but it's definitely much worse today.

It feels like my uterus is irritable and kind of sore feeling internally Cramping in the 2ww is nothing new I know but to this extent and so early, for me, is.

Again, I have no idea if this is Clomid related and I'll get it every cycle or whether it means something more positive. Yet more waiting it out. Ugh.

I had my blood test this afternoon and hope to badger the surgery into giving me the results in a couple of days. We're meant to wait a week before calling for the results but if AF arrives on time, that would be far too late for me since I need to know if the 100mg dose worked or not. And by CD2 when I would begin taking them again.

Still feeling very anxious about things, despite trying to be cool and relaxed. I always get this way as we near the end of the 2ww but it just seems magnified this time by all the symptoms I'm getting. All unusual for me normally but who knows on a medicated cycle. For now I'm concentrating on simply finding out if I at least ovulated, if any other good news comes on top of that, well then that's a bonus as far as I'm concerned!

Spotting

I seem to be experiencing it. Ugh.

I wasn't sure where the blood was actually originating from as I have an infection going on right now too. I realised from checking my cervix last night though, that it's definitely spotting in the true sense of the word. It's not much, very light pink/peach coloured. This morning, it seems to of stopped but I've not investigated too much since it's only 8:30am and really, I'm not sure I want to know if it's still there or even worse, heavier.

Naturally I Googled and there were a fair few posts about Clomid and spotting. Most were either pre-ovulation or during the time of but there were also those from women who had post-ovulation. Some were pregnant but some weren't so it wasn't particularly useful.

I have never had spotting in my life so this is definitely an odd turn of events. Now, I know some of you will be screaming 'implantation!' but for the preservation of my sanity, I'm sticking with it being a Clomid side effect. It's just too much of a coincidence to be on the first cycle of it and have something so out of the ordinary happen and the two not be connected.

I'm cramping a fair bit this morning and have done since I woke up. Could be a good sign, could be bad. I also have not had cramping this early on in my LP. Another lovely Clomid side-effect I wonder.

My BBT is still holding steady with regards to temps which is encouraging. 2 nights ago, I had a very sleepless night and kept taking my temp every time I woke just incase I a) didn't go back to sleep for long enough before taking it for the final time or b) I slept through the alarm telling me it was the correct time to take it. I know that I got about 4 different readings, one was lower than the others though and would of taken me under my temperature coverline (signalling a possible implantation dip) but I went with the last temp taken which was the highest and input that into my chart. Now, with the spotting I'm having, I wonder if I should of gone with that lowest recording as that would of made more sense. I guess we'll soon see what the deal is though.

That's where I am today at 7dpo. Yet more waiting around in limbo land. Blood test tomorrow lunchtime. Perhaps if I know I did indeed ovulate, I'll allow myself to be a bit more optimistic about the events of the past 24 hours but for now, I'm just going with the flow and trying not to analyse.

Clomid + The 2ww

I can tell that it's going to be trying, simply by the array of symptoms I already have. Now, I knew going into a Clomid cycle that things could get a little crazy in the 2ww. I mean, firstly I've no idea when to expect AF because Clomid is used to lengthen the LP and secondly, because it makes you ovulate (hopefully!) and often multiple follicles at that, then that means an increase in progesterone - the hormone that is responsible for all those dreaded PMT symptoms, as well as the early pregnancy ones. I therefore knew that this 2ww would be a mindfuck and it's on form so far.

Already my chart is filling up with symptoms. I was loathe to actually track them to be honest since I know that I can't rely on them meaning much either way on this first Clomid cycle but these BBT charting sites advise it's best to as it helps with their interpretation of your cycles and also 'helps you spot new and promising symptoms!' Hurrah, not. Like I need any help symptom spotting, as any ttc'er will agree. But, dutifully, I'm ticking those boxes regardless.

I know K follows my chart daily and has recently lured B into peeking at it at times too, goodness knows what it looks like to the novice eye and a male one at that but us girls are used to the familiar symptoms during the long wait for AF to arrive. I'm sure that to the guys, it looks like I'm falling apart or suffering since every day I add a new symptom to the list of ones I am experiencing. Actually though, it's in the mind, rather than physically, that the real 'suffering', for want of a better word, goes on during the torture that is the 2ww.

I think I've picked up a little cold bug and am suffering with a sore throat, just in time for the 2 week Easter Holiday my children have started today. Great timing huh? I had a fabulous time catching up with K last night whilst in London but poor B couldn't make it and ended his evening feeling far worse than me, suffering with a bug of some sort too.

Despite this post, I'm actually feeling pretty upbeat about the whole cycle. I mean, the hardwork is done and it's all out of our hands and up to fate. Sure I'm a ball of nerves waiting on the blood results and on the arrival (or not) of AF but really, I'm pretty cool right now and anyway, K's instructed me to just chill and not stress and for once, I'm doing, or at least trying to, what I'm told. Enjoy it whilst it lasts, Mr W. ;o)

Ovulate

It appears I have done just that! Temp stayed up this morning (3rd consecutive in a row) and all further OPKs have been negative so we are now officially in the 2ww. Eeek.

Doesn't all quite match up - the timing of the thermal shift, my mucus/cervix pattern and the + OPKs but it's close enough for me.

I booked my progesterone blood test, I'm having it done twice - Friday and Monday. 7 days would of taken me into the weekend and the surgery don't do any blood tests then so I opted for 2 tests to ensure I cover all bases. I'd hate to time it wrongly and think I hadn't ovulated when I had.

If I'm honest, I'm a ball of nerves about what the results may be. Hopefully mid-week I can report back with the good news. *insert biting of nails here*

I hope that my chart isn't throwing me a curveball, I have previous experience of having textbook perfect ovulatory charts but blood tests showed I infact didn't ovulate. Many factors could of affected that though, as I think I've said before in my blog, but it's still something that comes to mind as we wait to find out if that's the case now too.

Anyway, I'm meeting up with K tomorrow which I'm looking forward to and then it's just sitting tight and seeing what happens for the remainder of the dreaded 2ww.

I'm Back!

So much has happened, I'm not sure where to even start but here goes.

Well, I spent a wonderful long weekend in Kent with K & B. We were expecting (according to all the literature) to ovulate 5-9 days from my final Clomid pill and decided to tie in that event with a little mini-break for me too. It also helped K & B who were having pet sitting troubles which meant it would of been difficult for them logistically to get down to me. Basically, it all made more sense for me to travel to them.

We had a fabulous time, laughing, talking, sightseeing and lunching out! My two hosts were as lovely as always and their house, and furbabies, are gorgeous. It was also an opportunity for me to see another side to my IFs, see them relaxed in their own surroundings. It helped to further reassure me, if I needed any further reassurance, that they are going to be amazing parents and a child will be brought into a solid and loving family setting.

I also had the opportunity to meet B's parents. It was daunting for me at first, to be introduced to extended family - having only dealt with K & B up until this point but actually, as soon as I stepped foot inside the Grandparents-to-be (fingers crossed!) home, I was made to feel welcome and for someone who prefers to avoid social situations, it was surprisingly anything but awkward. I came away feeling very blessed to of been given that opportunity.

I also got to speak to K's sister on the phone. She's currently in Oz studying and although we have messaged a few times via Facebook, again, it was a bit of an overwhelming situation to have to talk real time. I'm so glad that K nudged (!) me into doing so though, as yet again, I now feel very fortunate to be in this position where I'm not only matched with wonderful IFs but also to be made to feel important enough to be allowed deeper into their lives. Very privileged if you will.

The + OPK eluded us the entire time I was there, which was frustrating for us but having looked at other peoples experiences with Clomid, we were aware that it could be slightly later than the average 5-9 day situation and despite very encouraging fertile signs indeed from the middle of last week, we only got our first positive yesterday morning - the morning after I returned back home. Typical!

Cue lots of frantic planning by both K & B and they travelled back down here yesterday afternoon.. In total, so far, we have now done 7 insems. My OPK this evening is negative and although we hope my temp will spike tomorrow signalling ovulation and there will not be another + greeting us in the morning, we do know that that's a possibility as we've BTDT before. If it's another negative in the morning, I think it's safe to say we're officially done with the ttc part of Cycle 4! Yaaaaaay.

K headed back home this afternoon and we're just in a kind of limbo now really. Even though I'm still technically ovulating (since after the +, it can take between 12-36 hours for the egg to be released), we don't plan on doing any further insems. I'm therefore hoping that the one this morning will last the distance to see us into the latest possible timeframe for ovulation and we won't be missing any opportunity for a successful ending to the cycle. We know we've given it as much as we can regardless though and that's all we can ask of one another.

We're wondering if this is a multiple ovulation situation that's going on, which explains why I've had fertile signs for so long and now a full 2 days of + OPKs and my BBT is showing a shift. Although the shift has not been sustained long enough (has to be 3 consecutive days), to be counted as definite ovulation at this point.

Perhaps an egg was released, giving us our rise and then the OPK turned positive, giving us another egg released? Who knows. Most of this ttc business is guestimations, weighing up of probabilities and simple crossing of fingers.

We, at this stage, are hoping that those 7 insems during my fertile time will be enough to do the job. I think it's safe to say we're all pretty much spent with this cycle and are thinking that it's time to draw a line under it and hope our efforts are enough.

I am in fact at a concert on Thursday, that's about 30 miles away from the guys and it's possible that perhaps we may try and tie that in and meet up for either coffee/dinner or another insem if necessary, but it's very much just a wait and see approach from us all right now and everyone taking a deep breath and trying to get life back to normality once again.

It'll be nice when we know for sure that ovulation has happened though and we're in the 2ww, we can then take a well deserved time-out to relax knowing it's out of our hands. I have to say that for me, this cycle has been a total roller coaster and has kept us all on our toes. We've come a long way in so many senses, from learning about Clomid, how it affects me and my cycle, timing of insems and also on a more personal level, more about one another too most definitely.

On the subject of Clomid and its effects, I actually felt worse once I'd finished it for a few days which was unexpected but it was bearable. The only other thing of note is the ovulation pains, they are intense to say the least and there is no mistaking that my ovaries are doing something! Otherwise, I think all things considered, I had an ok experience with it, thankfully.

Sometimes I admit to getting a bit upset about the fact that some surrogates appear to have it easy, they are very fortunate to fall pregnant within a few cycles and I'm not afraid to say that I'm jealous of that at times. But, then I remind myself that firstly, it's not a race and actually at least this way, I'm learning more about myself and my IFs, we're learning more about the dynamics of our relationship and working through things that we may not of even been aware of prior to a pregnancy, had it happened within the first few cycles. I remind myself that it hopefully means there will be less surprises once I am pregnant and will therefore make for a hopefully happier and more comfortable and relaxed 9 months than it may otherwise of been.

And most importantly, I remind myself that if we're having to fight that bit harder for something, then that in turn will make it even more precious when it eventually happens.

I admit to having tunnel vision where surrogacy is concerned, lots of things (and perhaps people), have been pushed aside in my quest to fulfil an ambition of at least 8 years but surrogacy is all encompassing, it's not possible to find a middle ground, it's an all-or-nothing situation - well, for me anyway. I'm fortunate to find myself surrounded by people who thankfully support me and understand, I realise I'm very lucky indeed in that respect. I just hope that it won't be too much longer before I can enjoy the smooth after what's turning out to be quite rough in places. I'm so ready for that BFP and to move onto the next chapter. Surely, our turn can't be too far away.

While I was away, I visited Canterbury Cathedral (more info here for those not familiar : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canterbury_Cathedral) and whilst I'm not religious at all, settings such as this never fail to make me reflect and if I'm honest, become quite emotional too.

At this particular place, there's a prayer board, where you can write something. K and I stumbled across this at the same time and whilst K isn't religious either, he decided to write something, it was non-surrogacy related FTR. Anyway, I didn't feel like I wanted to participate in writing one and so wandered on. As we toured round this magnificent site, I kept thinking of the prayer board and went back to it twice before taking the plunge. I wrote a little something basically asking for strength for myself during this journey and also asking for a successful outcome for a wonderful and most deserving couple. Typing this has me actually tearing up, honestly. I just felt that we're doing all we can ourselves and so perhaps it was time to ask for it to be taken out of our hands and for someone else to decide the eventual outcome. The emotions I felt afterwards were of peace and renewed hope, I only hope if there is someone up there, they listen and we all get our much longed for bundle of joy. I think we all deserve that.

It's been a fabulous few days and although we're not quite finished with Cycle 4 at this point, I'm ready to see what the outcome will be. I'm due to have my progesterone tested after 7 days and see if I did indeed ovulate. If not, we'll be upping the dose of Clomid for Cycle 5.

Tonight, I'm missing K & B if I'm honest, this is something I personally struggle with, trying to keep an appropriate balance where our relationship is concerned - perhaps that is another post for another day. I wouldn't change a thing though, I love the relationship we've got and consider myself very fortunate that we've clicked so well. To some, it seems too deep or just plain odd but to us and I think I can speak for K & B too here, it feels pretty fantastic and works for the most part but yes, I still do struggle to a certain extent.

For now though, lots of temp shift and no further + OPK vibes would be much appreciated. Oh and of course BFP ones too please!