Musings

I'm feeling blah about a lot of things lately. I think I'm just pretty rundown, worn out, the weather makes it hard to be cheery and of course I'm hormonal - since AF is here and all.

Life is pretty good overal, although very hectic, it's more about what's going on in my head lately I guess.

I'm a good person and yet seem to constantly get kicked in the teeth despite that. I'm a huge believer in Karma and yet it never seems to quite play out as it should and it frustrates me. I realise without just coming right out with what's on my mind, it makes little sense but my blog has eyes and I'm just not ready to deal with the fallout of making my feelings totally public.

But, if you're reading this and think the boot might fit....

Stats

Journey 2:

Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)


Unmatched:

Cycle 18: Length: 23 and LP: ? (Not tracking ovulation)
Cycle 19: Length: 28 and LP: ?
Cycle 20: Length: 27 and LP: ?
Cycle 21: Length: 27 and LP: ?
Cycle 22: Length: 26 and LP: ?

Limbo Land

I don't know where I am exactly, nope, I'm definitely in limbo.

I will start by saying that I met a lovely couple, just as I said I was going to in my last post. They were as fabulous as I thought they would be and we got on really well. I got a text a little while after we parted ways, saying they would like to continue forward with things. Yay! Again, always such a buzz to know that you've made such a good impression on a couple that they would like you to carry their baby for them!

But then I jumped straight back into my crazy life and weeks have slipped by with little progress from that meeting. They are as busy as me and we're finding it difficult to even talk about the necessary stuff, let alone e-mail or call to chit-chat. There's no animosity, we understand that the other is just busy and there's no pressure or disappointment where communication, or lack of it, is concerned but still. I'm in a bit of a hurry too, with the Scotland move coming thick and fast and being so far down the line with surrogacy in general, I just want to jump straight in and get to trying to make a baby!

The couple are complete newbies to the surrogacy scene which means that they are understandably cautious and need some guidance through the process on certain points and whilst I'm more than happy to do that, when the clock is ticking, it starts ticking even louder if you've got anything that slows things down. That's where I miss having a couple with experience or a couple that are wanting to do things at the same speed as I am.

Also, I met with K & B this past month too. I know, some of you will be sat with your mouth wide open and asking 'what the HELL?!' I asked myself the same question at first. It was B who made contact, with a text. I was not expecting that at all and it took me a few days to decide what to do, if anything, in response. But I did respond and it seemed that we all still carried some lingering feelings and thoughts from the match. I was the one who suggested coffee, before I could think it through actually but they agreed it would be nice. So we met.

And, it was nice - comfortable but then you can't go through all we did and not feel like you're amongst old friends when you meet up again. I mean don't get me wrong, and I think they probably would agree, what happened will never be forgotten - the good OR the bad but hating each other wasn't working for any us. They felt unable to move forward and so did I. When we met, we didn't even talk that much about what happened, maybe it was just too awkward or perhaps they just didn't need to do as much discussing as they thought they did? I'm horrible with confrontation and talking about feelings in person so that's why I kept quiet but when it was brought up, I tried to be open and honest.

I came away feeling peaceful about things, that was my over-riding emotion. It's changed a little since but for the most part, I'm glad we had that opportunity. It did throw me into a spin too, if I'm honest and it was strange that only 3 months had passed since things ended but it felt like it had been much longer. I think I'd pushed my feelings to the back until that point and seeing them churned them back up. I wonder if they felt similar.

Anyway, that's that really. I've no regrets about meeting them though.

So, back to my couple...I don't know where things are going to go and I tell anyone who asks me the same - no, I'm not matched currently but things are meant to be progressing. I am still keeping my options open.

I'm just hoping that one way or another, I have more of an idea by the time 2012 arrives because that clock is getting ready to call time on my journey one way or another very soon.

Keeping An Eye Out

I have now met 2 couples since my last post. One of which is sadly no longer able to continue with their surrogacy plans but whom I really liked and would have had no reservations in matching with. The other were matched shortly before we met but I don't think we would of been a match anyway as they don't meet the criteria I set for myself when looking at potential IPs. Lovely people and we are good friends but that was as far as it will go.

I've still got another couple to meet, things have been conspiring against us so far and we've made 2 dates now but both fell through for one reason or another. However we have tentatively set a new date for the beginning of next month so fingers crossed! I really like them so far but you never know until you meet in person and you iron out the finer details.

Still getting lots of e-mails from IPs and making contacts and friends within the surrogacy world but really, I'm just an observer these days. If someone sparks my interest or makes contact, I respond with enthusiasm and an open mind but I'm not actively pursuing a match any longer.

Stats

Journey 2:

Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)


Unmatched:

Cycle 18: Length: 23 and LP: ? (Not tracking ovulation)
Cycle 19: Length: 28 and LP: ?
Cycle 20: Length: 27 and LP: ?

Quiet

I'm not sure what I can update with but I stop by here and see that people are still looking so I should write something and being awake at 3am seemed like a good time to do it!

Coming here though doesn't feel great any more so I avoid clicking on for the most part, if I can help it. Perhaps it's being reminded what a long journey it's been, maybe it's seeing all over again just how craptastic some people can be? Whatever it is, I see things here that I would rather not be reminded of to be honest.

Life is so crazy busy here, I don't have time to stop to eat most days (which is no bad thing!), let alone sit down long enough to log onto the computer. I'm really enjoying all the new challenges that I've taken on in the past month though but it is leaving me with very little free time and making me wonder if perhaps my surrogacy plans are no longer feasible.

I already felt I had lost the enthusiasm for it, the end of the last match seems to be lingering and I don't seem to be able to completely let it go, and now it seems I have filled the the free time I once had, to devote to surrogacy too. Maybe things are all falling into place and making my decision for me.

I don't know how I feel about that, I don't feel devastated or anything, in fact more like it was a decision that was made in my mind a while back but that's taken me a while to say out loud.

At this stage, I do still have 2 sets of IPs that I've agreed to meet with and I will see that through with an open mind but if neither spark something in me, I'm going to accept it's over and move on with my life.

No-one can say I haven't given it 110%, sometimes things just aren't meant to be - no matter how much you want them and this is probably going to be one of those times. I owe it to my wonderful husband and 3 beautiful kids to spend less time trying to make others a family and more time enjoying my very own.

As the picture says, I need to let go of the past (surrogacy), to be able to embrace and love what is in my future. Continuing to have surrogacy in my life right now, only seems to dredge up and remind me of the bad stuff that has happened and perpetuates the negative feelings I still hold. Yup, it's a vicious circle and I think I want it to stop.

So, there you have all I've got to say right now. The next update will probably be a telling one, as to which way things are going to go so we'll just have to wait and see.

Stats

Journey 2:

Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)


Unmatched:

Cycle 18: Length: 23 and LP: ? (Not tracking ovulation)
Cycle 19: Length: 28 and LP: ?

Couple One

It's been a while since my last post and so I thought I had best stop by and update on things.

Well, I did meet one couple this past Saturday. They are lovely, we had coffee and spoke for a few hours and it was nice. They have said that they really liked me and would like to match which is always flattering to hear because you never know what people really think of you until that point!

However, I was talking to another couple first and they had already expressed that they wanted to meet me but are currently on holiday for 2 weeks and so out of fairness, I've told couple 1 that I would like to hold off on making any decision until I've met couple 2. It is only right that couple 2 are given the chance.

It will also allow me and couple 1 time to continue to get to know each other, which you can never do enough of.

I am finding it hard though to know how I'm supposed to know if a couple are right for me or not. I mean, I thought twice before that I'd picked the right couple and neither turned out to be! I almost have to go on blind faith and gut instinct I guess. There's no thunderbolt or violins playing to give me the sign unfortunately.

I was thinking the other night, why I didn't just throw in the towel on the whole surrogacy thing but my heart just didn't match my head I guess. When I walk away and say I'm absolutely done, I need to know that I gave it my all and couldn't do any more, it just wasn't meant to be. I don't want regrets and to be left always wondering.

The trouble is, there are so many things that go with making the decision to look for a match again and get back into all that that entails and I have to be honest and say that there are days where I wonder (and worry) if I've got it in me to go back to that place and do it all over again. And my life is so crazy busy still and about to get even busier, do I even have the spare time that surrogacy needs to be successful?

More importantly, I question whether I've got the same level of enthusiasm and commitment that I had the last 2 times. It's difficult to answer that and I sometimes wonder if I'm spurring myself on and simply talking myself into continuing when really I don't want to.

But, I guess I just have to leap into the unknown once again and do all I can do and that is to have hope - that I make the right decision, that I pick the right couple, to hope I am strong enough and believe that I will be at last successful - basically to just have faith and hope.

Unpredictable

It's funny how things can change and this past has week has definitely highlighted that clearly, in case I was in any doubt.

A very dear friend, who was a first-time surrogate like myself and who had previously been through failed, bad and simply incompatible matches too, found out she was pregnant. It was early days but there had been a viability scan that showed a heartbeat and a perfect baby in situ. Things with her IPs were anything but perfect but she showed a truly admirable attitude and maturity and kept her dignity despite very trying circumstances. She was simply focused on fulfilling her agreement with them and keeping safe, nurturing and then delivering their much longed for precious bundle.

But Mother Nature had other ideas....

She is miscarrying. My heart is broken for her, of course I feel sadness for her IPs too but for a surrogate and a traditional one at that, it's an extra tough thing to deal with. Aside from the physical consequences of actually going through a miscarriage, the woman also has to deal with the emotional side from a completely different angle than the IPs and especially in this case, where both my friend's IPs are actually male. You don't need me to point out how that changes the dimensions also.

And yet she is sadly dealing with all this without any support from the people who you would expect to be right by her side, the parents of the baby she was carrying. How any IPs could ever justify behaving in that manner, I simply don't know but they really should be ashamed of themselves. I've seen the proof of how they treated her as soon as she was pregnant and there can be no excuse.

My friend will of course be ok, with lots of support from family and friends and with time but she has said she will not continue with her surrogacy dream and it's not because of the miscarriage but rather the crappy treatment she has endured yet again, by yet another set of IPs. It has just shattered her desire to stay in surrogacy.

I'm still sad when I hear of experiences such as hers, not surprised that it's actually happened because it's happened to me, I know all about things turning sour and how you can go from hero to zero in a matter of days but just that so many IPs out there can behave in such cruel, callous, ruthless and downright disgusting ways. You think it's a rarity for it to happen but I know of so many surrogates who have been treated less than nicely unfortunately.

I know that not every IP is a bad apple and I also know that some IPs have been treated poorly by surrogates, neither of which is right. I know that somewhere out there, there are decent IPs, who will want my help and won't abuse my kindness or disrespect me and who will stand by my side throughout the journey, wherever it may take us and for however long and I remain hopeful that that couple do exist, we've just yet to find one another!

On that subject though, I'm tentatively coming out and saying that I have a meeting or 2 lined up. With 2 couples, both of who I will continue to be friends with regardless but hopefully, one of which may also turn out to be my next IPs. I'm taking things very slowly and am in no rush to match at this point but it's a feeling I've missed - the excitement of meeting up and of what might be, anticipation and hope basically.

So, keep your fingers crossed and I will be sure to update you, if there is anything to update that is! And of course, I ask that you please keep my friend in your thoughts, as she deals with the rocky end to a very rocky journey.


P.S - Mrs B, you can borrow my song of the moment, because you truly are a fighter. Chin up, my friend.

Stats

Clomid did indeed mess my cycle up....


Journey 2:

Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)


Unmatched:

Cycle 18: Length: 23 and LP: ? (Not tracking ovulation)



Yup, 23 days between AF. Ugh, I am just keeping everything crossed that it returns to normal next month. I have always been regular and predictable where AF is concerned and I like it that way, especially for ttc.

Bumps Everywhere!

It seems everyone is pregnant around me lately and although I'm envious, I'm not bitter since I don't know their story for the most part - Perhaps they are a surrogate or maybe they had 4 failed previous IVF attempts, multiple miscarriages etc, I don't know so I simply think how pleased and excited someone must be, at the growing bump and go on with my business.

I have several surrogate friends who have recently fallen pregnant, which is great of course. We all know that people don't just one day decide to 'recruit' a woman, who was once a complete stranger, to carry their baby, on a whim. No, it's the end of a very long road for almost all IPs and that bump represents the realisation of a long-held dream. No, no begruding of that here.

I also found out that my first IPs have just had their BFP, with their new surrogate. Obviously it stings a little on a personal level and probably more so because of my current match situation but I'm still happy for them. They deserve it as much as anyone.

And if anything, all of these pregnancies have just made me want it that bit more!

I've been making contacts and talking to some lovely couples, it still doesn't come easy to me to be almost marketing myself but it's all part of the surrogacy journey. It might just be me but it seems there are a lot more surrogates out there lately too, I feel with 2 matches behind me so far, I'm carrying a bit of extra baggage for any potential IPs but it is what it is, I would never lie about my experience to date and there are positives to be had from picking someone who has been there, done that but not quite got the BFP t-shirt.

Sometimes fast doesn't 'win' the race, I know of some friends who got matched, felt they had found the couple and although they got pregnant quickly, it was anything but plain sailing, sunshine and rainbows. On balance, I'm happy to take my time, pick carefully and well and hopefully cross the chequered line with the same excitement and enthusiasm that I started with! Though of course, as I well know, taking your time does not equal a trouble-free path...things (and people) can turn in an instance and your perfect match isn't quite as solid as you thought.

Luckily, I'm being supported by some lovely friends in the surrogacy world and when I'm feeling like I'm fighting an uphill battle, I hear of another match or of another pregnancy and it spurs me on to try just that little longer for my turn.

The Future

Since I was forced back onto the surrogacy sites, I decided to keep my finger on the pulse and found myself checking back in on them more often than I had first planned to. Am I starting to get the bug again, the desire to find another set of IPs - I think it's perhaps a bit too early but there is nothing wrong in keeping my options open and putting feelers out there, right?

I'm not sure whether to continue on the independent route though and that's a big thing that I really need to decide upon as joining an agency takes time. I'm in no rush but if I go that route, I would like to get joined up sooner rather than later and then take the time needed to really get to know any future IPs.

I have always been anti-agency for a few reasons though. One being that I don't like the idea of a stranger coming to my home, meeting my family and then deciding whether I'm good enough or tick enough boxes to become a surrogate on their list. They require a lot of information too, I understand why but some of it actually has little bearing on surrogacy in my opinion. Who are they to judge me and what qualifies them to make that decision about me and my intentions? Second reason is because I don't like the fact they charge IPs to join, and a lot of it at that. When you consider how much IPs are having to pay out for a surrogate already, every penny counts. So, an agency is essentially a business and that doesn't sit right with me and my surrogacy views.

But, I am seeing the plus points more and more. They vet IPs (and surrogates alike), weeding some out in the process and hopefully therefore cutting down on the potential for a match to fail. And of course they do the initial legwork for you - of finding IPs and introducing you first. The last bit is particularly attractive right now as the bit I feared the most about becoming a surrogate is having to put yourself out there and hope for responses and decent ones at that. I also hate the part where you're first talking to IPs and during the course of an innocent conversation, you explain things only to have an IP go quiet on you because it wasn't what they wanted/hoped for/expected in a surrogate. This way it is all down in black and white, on your application form, from before you're even formally introduced to each other and both can make those decisions privately, without the hurt it can cause.

I like the freedom that being an independent surrogate gives you though and I think I'm pretty good at the responsibility that goes with it and the knowledge you need to cover everything correctly - after all, I've got enough experience!

I've been looking at my blog during this time too, thinking how it may appear to potential IPs. I wonder if I should cut out some posts that although represent how I felt at certain points and were written with honesty, they may now work against me in the fickle process of finding new IPs and matching. Hmmm, I would feel like I was censoring myself or trying to hide something though. Another difficult decision. I hope that any potential IPs that may read my blog, as it is currently, realise that my former IPs left me little choice but to take the action I took and that it wasn't done out of spite or to cause drama.

As I've said before, there were no hard feelings at us splitting, none at all. That happens and is their right. The problem came when I found out they had already started lining a replacement surrogate up before I had any clue they were finished with me and that they were lying about me to these women, for no reason. I hadn't done a thing to them. So yes, I hope that people see the whole picture and don't just judge me for doing what I felt was necessary here on my blog. I have always said I would be open and honest here, after all, this isn't a professional blog, it's my personal diary of my journey.

I also wonder if they will read the Clomid stuff and click off. I've been thinking on this deeply over the past few days and I'm not sure that I ever really needed it. I think I just got impatient and caught up in the momentum of K & B and was persuaded into trying it before we really knew if I did indeed require it to become pregnant. After all, I have 3 children and all without the aid of anything! Even K used to say 'we don't know if there even is indeed a problem' and he's right. Considering we also thought I had PCOS when we first matched and look how that turned out!

Of course, if I go down the route of host surrogacy, that entire issue won't matter anyway since it's not my eggs that are necessary.

Anyway, at the risk of harping on about things that are in the past, I will move swiftly on - after all, this post is talking about my surrogacy future and I really hope that there is indeed one for me out there. I really don't think I'm done here, I can't imagine failing at my dream, one that I've had for so long now - I've some unfinished business here!

Keeping Track

Journey 2:

Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)


Continuing with keeping cycle stats, so I can track what now happens to my cycle, without Clomid.

Pushing Through

So, after the sadness, came the anger and now I'm at the meh stage. I like this stage because I've gone from being pent up and being unable to sleep, to the opposite. I slept for 12 hours last night for the first time in months and felt really good for it.

I think it's probably hard for some reading this to understand the sort of relationship I shared with K & B. It wasn't your usual surrogate/IP one and I can say that with the benefit of having IPs before them. This was so very different. Despite what K & B may say now, it was as they said many times, a fantastic relationship for the most part. Of course we had the lying which was probably the only real problem we had and yes, I know it was a major one but the rest of our match was so great that that was probably why I chose to forgive so many times in that respect.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that the relationship we shared is why it hurt so much more this time around, when it came to an end. Perhaps some may read my posts here over the last few days and think they are OTT but firstly, it's my blog and it was never meant to please anyone, I'm sorry if my posts aren't how you may handle a situation like this. Secondly, I've essentially lost 2 (what I thought were) almost best friends basically overnight and realised they were not the people I thought they were at all. Like so far removed from what I thought they were, I can't even explain in written words.

I spent a lot of time at their home, I was introduced to work colleagues, I met their family and vice versa, we had many deep conversations and shared very personal things with each other and so much more too. We would speak at least every other day on the phone for the most part and K and I were constantly texting - So, to go from that, to nothing and overnight at that, is going to be a shock.

And of course, the manner in which our parting occurred and the relevations/their actions afterwards are bound to leave even the most strong person reeling. At least my first IPs did it as kindly as possible and as far as I'm aware, never tried to trash my name and reputation and vice-versa. That's having respect for the journey you've shared and the way mature adults behave.

I have been fortunate enough to of been supported by wonderful friends and my family and have had some lovely private messages and e-mails which have been very much appreciated. It's always nice to have neutral people telling you what you already know.

For now, I am considering my options, I feel lost not ttc if I'm honest. It's very strange to be so deeply involved in all things surrogacy one minute and then not the next. I still stir at 4:45am to take my temp, before I realise, for instance and that's one thing I will not miss when I eventually get out of the habit!

I honestly think I will consider host surrogacy, if I go for it again. It just seems (no disrespect to those who disagree btw) easier. Traditional surrogacy is so intimate and you can't help but get more deeply attached than host. After all, it's your egg, it's inseminating yourself with another person's (sometimes 2) bodily fluid and the whole charting, checking cervical position and mucus etc means that it's far more intense and emotionally challenging.

Host surrogacy gives you more detachment, you still want the same thing but it's not all down to you. For instance, when I failed cycle after cycle to get pregnant, I took it personally. It was never about K & B being at fault maybe, or Mother Nature just deciding that that cycle wasn't going to be the one - for me, it was about my body failing to do what it was supposed to. I'm an intelligent lady and I know all about odds, variables and percentages but when you've got the hopes of 2 people on your shoulders, you can't help but put a lot of pressure on yourself and when things don't work as you'd hope, you blame yourself. That's not a nice position to be in and takes it toll.

So, I think host surrogacy would better suit me. I never considered it before now because of my weight really. Currently, my BMI is too high for clinics to take on, well that was what I was told when I enquired for K & B but of course, that was when I would be doing the entire IVF procedure from start to finish. This time around, it would be more simple and perhaps not such an issue. Also, I didn't think I would be able to do it for K & B because I thought I had PCOS - which I now know I don't.

My aim is to take a breather to digest what's happened with match #2, when my youngest is full time at pre-school in September, to join a gym and start the weight loss again. I actually did drop 2 stone (28lbs) when I was with K & B but I still have a way to go, it can only be beneficial to getting pregnant.

The hardest part will be taking the first steps again, putting myself out there and having to get to know a new couple all over again. Trusting another set of IPs is going to prove challenging too, no doubt. I'm not the type of person who finds making friends particularly easy and it takes a while to feel comfortable with IPs, it's a huge emotional investment from the get-go. I guess we'll just have to see what happens with time.

Even though things didn't turn out the way I had hoped and I've come out of the match bruised and wary, I still don't regret a moment of the journey and the experience it's given me. I don't hate K & B, hate is a destructive emotion and a waste of my energy. Giving up on me is their loss, I was pretty freaking fantastic - even if I say so myself. If they find another surrogate as knowledgeable, giving and dedicated as me then they really are very lucky indeed. As I said before, I wish them all the best of luck with their baby making dreams.

I haven't walked away with nothing, like some may think - I'm more knowledgeable about what I want out of a journey and have the confidence to know when things aren't right and to walk away - although I hope I don't need to. I'm in this for the long haul, I've always said that and I still have hope that I will achieve my surrogacy happy ever after.

My mantra at the moment is 'no regrets' and it's true - everything happens for a reason and this is no different.

Song Of The Moment

A Warning To Others

Since my last post, a lot has come to light. It appears I got my IPs completely wrong, I have since discovered that the problem that was rampant throughout our match, stepped up a notch before we unmatched and then continued after we parted ways - namely, them lying.

It appears that I was naive enough to think they could both be mature after making their decision to end our match or at the very least respectful. Instead it transpires that they were not only making contact with other potential surrogates a while ago but telling them they were going to break our match - all before they had told me anything.

But, it doesn't stop there - Oh no, it seems they were also telling potential surrogates lies about me, for whatever reason. Saying that they had no idea of my fertility issues when ttc my first child - my first post of my blog throws that out of the window. I also have the proof from our first e-mails that that is completely not the case. I have never hidden from anyone my struggles in that respect, I'm proud that it took that long but that we hung in there and were so blessed with our gorgeous son after all of it. I would never want to smooth over that but rather I celebrate it.

K had a problem with me posting a FB status on my son's birthday this past week, saying it was a dig at him as it spoke of having to wait a long time for him but that he was worth the wait. Absurd and verging on paranoia if you ask me but this is what I had to deal with. This wasn't the first time K had taken a FB status personally. For the record, I nearly lost my son when he was 3.5 (to Lemierre's Syndrome - Google if you get a chance, very rare but on the increase and more often than not, fatal) and so we definitely see him as our miracle in more ways than one and I won't stop publically praising having him here at every opportunity.

Anyway, back to the current time, K also told these potential surrogates that I 'couldn't get the job done' and discussed my personal fertility information with these strangers too. Charming, right?

I don't understand what causes people to become so spiteful. In the blink of an eye, people just turn so quickly. I can hand on my heart say I never did anything to either of them, except try and help them have a baby. I treated them with kindness, loyalty, commitment and respect. I went so far above and beyond what most surrogates would do for their IPs and I asked for nothing but honesty and commitment in return. What you see with me is exactly what you get. They knew the one thing I can't stand is liars, which is exactly what they both are.

I shouldn't be surprised, I had caught them both out lying during our match and confronted them about it. Yet they continued to treat me like a fool and lie over and over. I do shoulder responsibility for allowing them to sweet-talk me after I caught them out time and again, and for not telling them where to go but I guess I allowed my heart to rule my head. A mistake that will not be repeated again.

I hold my hands up and say that I did see a red mist descend after this all came to light yesterday and did something which was probably pretty juevenille for a short period of time but then rectified it without delay shortly afterwards. It wasn't the smartest thing but people can only take so much before snapping back sometimes and considering I had not reacted to anything up until that point, I refuse to feel too badly about my momentary lapse in judgement. No harm was done, apart to K's pride perhaps, which I feel zero remorse about.

So, let this post be a warning to others that a) you never really know someone, b) if you decide to get involved with these two, be on your guard and hope they treat you better than they treated me and c) if you hear anything about me, that has come from them, it is more than likely a complete lie.

There is so much more I could say, and it would all be the truth, if I really wanted to hurt them like they've hurt me - some may think I am the spiteful one, for naming them so publically but they lost the right to expect anything from me when they disrespected me and the journey we've shared and in a cruel way - by dragging my name through the mud in the small surrogacy world, without reason. So, they really gave me no choice but to go public, in a bid to limit the damage that they are trying to do to my character, I never wanted to have to do this.

I am also having to put myself out onto the message boards when it's the last thing I feel like doing right now but, I need to make myself active so if there are IPs out there (or even surrogates) who hear the lies, they've also heard my side too. It's a horrible thing, being forced to post an intro and be around people who are on their way to their surrogacy happy ever after, when mine has just come crashing down but again, I'm in damage limitation mode.

They are continuing to try and keep this perceived 'battle' with me going, even now. Trying to have the final word or to stick the knife in just one more time, it's quite pathetic to witness and definitely not necessary. I told K yesterday that I was done, in every sense of the word and wanted to draw a line under it all and move on. It doesn't appear he knows when enough is enough though.

I feel particularly sad I now see how K manipulated and managed to isolate me from friends in the surrogacy community, without me even realising. I now know why, they knew these friends had the capacity to see through them and were trying to warn me of what was coming - all the things I couldn't see myself, at the time.

K has since removed his hardly used surrogacy blog, I guess he was afraid that people would see how he portrayed himself as being, how wonderful he thought our journey was and how highly he spoke of me and see just how fake he is capable of being. It would also of vindicated me from the lies he is trying to spread now, blowing them out of the water.

Understandably, my emotions are broken after the events of the past 2 days and I am not sure it'll be possible to trust a third set of IPs - if I decide to start from scratch once again. These guys have tainted surrogacy for me in a way I didn't think possible and taken me down in the process so well done, I hope you're proud of yourselves, guys. At least I have a clear conscience and can sleep at night when all is said and done, which is more than they can say.

Out With The Old....

First off, I have to admit that this post now is not what it first was, I had written other stuff a couple of days ago and I'm sure a few of you saw it. But shortly after, my journey took a twist and the irony in the title meant that I just had to edit and talk about that news, rather than giving someone who really doesn't deserve it, any more of my time.

So, my news - I'm unmatched, for the 2nd time. I have a feeling of de ja vu but this time, I'm wiser I guess and experience has taught me that no matter how raw my feelings might be at present (and they are, naturally), it's not the end of the world and I'll move past this with time.

Whether I'll continue with surrogacy though has not yet been decided. At this point, as last time, I feel like I'm done. I've thrown myself fully into 20 months of living and breathing surrogacy, sacrificing a lot along the way, and perhaps it's time to accept that this just isn't meant to be and move on with my life. I've been down avenues I didn't think I would and this time particularly, I gave far too much of myself, in so many ways, which is something I see now, having the benefit of hindsight. Still, it's all experience and something to grow and learn from.

Nope, I can honestly say that I don't have a clue where I will go from here but it's not important to have that figured out at this stage.

I still, for the 2nd time, cannot understand why any IP would give up on a willing (and I think a pretty decent) surrogate but maybe it's something that I'll never understand. It isn't like it would make it any easier to swallow anyway.

I know failed cycles are emotionally draining but it was hardly like we had been trying for a very long time, in the grand scheme of things, having only had 4 good chance cycles, where I was ovulating and we timed insems well. Surrogacy and all it brings is something that you only really understand and appreciate when you're living it and I was a good few cycles ahead of K & B in that respect, since they weren't my first match and because of that, I maybe had that bit of extra knowledge about myself, my expectations and just experience of the whole process whereas they didn't perhaps? I don't know but it was a steep learning curve for them without a doubt and for me too at times.

Essentially, I think this decision was more about them than about me and I don't think I will ever know the full story behind it sadly, which means I have a lot of unanswered questions, as you'd expect when a match ends so abruptly. I try not to think too deeply on them though, I have no control over other's actions but I can control my reaction.

I know I did the very best I could. I wasn't perfect by any means but I gave 110% and although it wasn't enough to achieve the goal, I did myself proud and can hold my head high. Despite promises and the best of intentions, breaking up rarely ends nicely but I admit that I had higher hopes that it would be a different story for the 3 of us, given the close and intense friendship and relationship we had built. Maybe with time.....But who knows.

So, I'm sad nonetheless that it's come to an end and such bad timing too (school holidays, the week I've found out my real life best friend is moving, the day after AF arrived and on my son's birthday and the day before my husband's birthday too) but things weren't going well for a while now, for a few reasons. I know I've wanted to call it quits on a few occasions but I just couldn't bring myself to walk away and be responsible for maybe shattering the dreams of two people I cared so much about - The decision was taken out of my hands in the end.

I don't know what else to type really so I'll simply end this post by saying that I will miss them and the friendship and that I don't regret any of the journey we shared and by thanking them for the past 9 months - There are no hard feelings from my end and I wish them all the luck in the world, wherever they go from here.

Dedicated? Oh Yes!

Such is my dedication to my blog that this post comes to you from onboard a high speed train (currently 104mph for the train buffs amongst you!) Well, I have a spare hour or so and thought I may as well be productive and update.

I am on my way home after another round of insems and a stay at Hotel K & B. B has a new job that means he can't take any holiday to travel down and K had no cover at work - the joys of it being holiday season. Anyway, I enjoy a break for a few days and the kids get lots of Daddy bonding time so it's a win-win situation. Doesn't stop me missing them of course but I am never off the phone so it is like I am still there!

We had planned single donor insems again but it suited us better to share the responsibility and it makes no odds really. Research still hasn't thrown up evidence either way so we just went with what suited us logistic wise.

And so the dreaded 2ww begins - number 8. Never thought and certainly hoped we wouldn't still be at the same stage either but I have been very relaxed this cycle, more than ever before infact, I have found my 'happy place' I think this time around.

Had a really nice time with the guys, they were both busy but things were relaxed and comfortable. I spent a while with B's parents again and that was fantastic, it helps keep me focused and positive. I know some see surrogacy as a business transaction but that was never how I wanted my surrogacy experience to be and I feel comfortable in my role and have made peace with what being so deeply invested and involved with my IPs will bring when my 'job' is done. I don't and never will regret the relationship K, B and I share - no matter how it concludes.

Ok, enough of that deep stuff!

So, we made a joint decision not to use OPKs this cycle, well we have the benefit of experience and feel they don't offer much use nowadays so we went solo, which was quite liberating, shedding a bit of pressure this cycle but both K & I almost caved!

In other news, my Mum was granted planning permission to build a long-awaited retirement home in the Scottish Highlands! The plan has always been for us to move there - all of us, my family too...That obviously has implications for my surrogacy journey and therefore for K & B too. The clock is truly ticking now, to get pregnant and be delivered before we leave.

I need to finish this journey before I can start my new Scottish one, surely our turn has to be nearby? I am relaxed as I said but still as impatient as ever to move forwards. If perseverence wins the race, we should be near the finishing line, right?!

Watch this space I guess to see if cycle 8 is the one.

Rattling & Rolling With It

This AF is really bad, is it down to a really good ovulation I wonder. I am not so sure, I haven't found conclusive evidence of that and it definitely would contradict the medical ptofessionals belief that no ovulation is the one that leads to heavier, more painful and longer periods.

So I don't really know why it is so awful this cycle but it could be the fact I'm not 100% or the numerous meds I'm taking. All I do know is I feel ROUGH.

I'm taking Clomid, antibiotics, iron tablets, folic acid, 2 x inhalers, nose drops, eye drops and paracetamol as needed too - which right now is every 4 hours on the dot. I definitely think there are some drug interactions going on but all are necessary unfortunately.

Thankfully my husband is at work today but my lovely Mum stepped in and has taken all 3 kids out and I'm going back to bed to sleep some of this yuckiness off hopefully.

Normal service should be resumed by early next week with any luck, I am just riding this storm out until then.

Stats

Journey 1:

Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12 (took B6)

Unmatched:

Cycle 7: Length: 24 and LP: ? (not tracking ovulation)
Cycle 8: Length: 26 and LP: ?
Cycle 9: Length: 27 and LP: ?

K & B stats:

Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)


I have decided from next cycle, I won't be listing any other stats than those from my current match. Firstly, because I have OCD and the growing list looks untidy and is bothering me - go on, make the loser sign on your forehead, I know but at least I admit it! And secondly, because I see no relevance of stats from that long ago and especially when I am now on meds and have a completely different cycle pattern.

In keeping with the title of this post, my stats:

5 out of 7 cycles, I have ovulated - 2 of those were low level ovulation.

1 cycle, we don't know about as I wasn't monitored and 1 I know was annovulatory.

These stats help me to feel like we haven't actually had 7 unsuccessful cycles but the flip side, that we've only had 3 cycles where we were in with a proper chance. There is still a long way to go yet!

Not A Good Day

My chart was picture perfect, my progesterone level was the highest yet, we only did single donor insems which were well timed and yet it didn't work - my plummeting temp and obligatory pre-af eye flare up both signal she is only hours away.

Today is not a good day, for some reason I am emotionally worse at this stage than I have been before (barr cycle 2 obviously). I cannot stop crying. I'm also fighting off a nasty chest infection that has been brewing for a few weeks and I am sure that isn't helping and add in that I haven't been sleeping well lately.

I didn't even get my hopes up either, I tend not to until I know for definite if I've ovulated and since I only got that news yesterday, I had no time to build myself up. So, quite why I am so upset at her impending arrival, I don't know.

So as I said, today is very much not a good day. My husband is my silver lining, I think he is surprised by how badly I have taken this one and is lavishing me with hugs and my favourite coffee and cake, bless him.

I also lost a friendship this cycle and had a major bump in the road with K & B. Still here, still fighting but also down even if not quite out.

I always wonder if I should post when I am down, my last IPs left me with a complex about being anything other than happy but you know what? Surrogacy is fucking hard, the reward is well worth the crappy times and the emotional rollercoaster - without doubt but it isn't all sunshine and + hpts after just a month or 3 of trying...well not for some of us and I want anyone who finds themselves with the months stacking up, to know others have been there and had to work that bit harder for the pee stick gold prize and that it's ok to be angry and sad and to vent it out loud.

Venting isn't being negative, infact I see it as the opposite - the old 'better out than in' thinking.

Some may even question my right to feel upset, when I at least have children but that doesn't make an unsuccessful cycle sting any less and yes, I know that K &B feel it even more but that doesn't make my feelings less important.

So, here my vent will stay, even if it doesn't help anyone else, getting it out helps me.

Hurrah!

I had my fertility consultation and am pleased to report it went really well!

The low-down is as follows:

• My egg reserve is fine.
  
• My blood test results (I had done on Day 1-3 of a cycle), were all fine.
• Even the FSH that was slightly over the lab cut off, is fine. He saw via ultrasound that my egg count is good.
• My womb lining was the right thickness for where I am in my cycle - so Clomid isn't having a negative effect on that.
• I do not have PCOS! That's a huge (but very pleasant) surprise! He said looking at the scan, one ovary has maybe 3, very minimal cysts on it but those, combined with normal blood tests means he would say I was free of it. I have no idea what's made it clear up but back in 2002, both ovaries were covered in them.
  
• I have 3 beautifully ripe follicles at maturation stage. Triplets anyone?! 2 on my right ovary and 1 (slightly smaller) one on the left.
• He doesn't think I need anything other than Clomid (or change the dose/days) since my ovaries are obviously responding to it very well.
• My progesterone levels - taken by my GP, are all fine. Even the one at a level of only 15, that my GP said meant I didn't ovulate, was ovulatory but just not optimal ovulation.
  
• He said it's just a matter of time before I fall pregnant and so keep doing what we've been doing - but he did recommend starting insems even earlier than we have been in my cycle.
  

It ended with him saying to try 6 cycles of Clomid and then consider having my tubes checked, just incase although he doesn't forsee there being an issue with that.

I came out very pleased indeed and K & B were just as happy with the news. It's official, I am not a dud and am perfectly capable of making a K & B junior. We just have to keep optimistic and carry on as before.

Of course there is the slight issue of sporadic ovulation (at a decent level) when I'm not on Clomid but I can, if necessary, take up to 12 cycles of Clomid so I'm not even worrying about that. I think losing weight will help when (if) that time comes.

K is currently here in Bristol, visiting and so we're enjoying eating out and catching up in person. It's been a manic month for all of us so it's nice to see him, B is stuck in Kent with work stuff though. :o(

Nothing else to report at this stage, just seeing what happens and breathing a huge sigh of relief after the appointment news. Feeling very chilled out, I needed that reassurance so it was money well spent indeed.

A Different Way Of Charting

I've popped the chart from this cycle up for you to see - the dotted line after the cross hairs on the second chart was because I discarded those 2 temps since they were so far off the scale, it was throwing the visual of the chart off. They were indeed part of the thermal shift that signalled ovulation had occurred (confirmed with a blood test) though, but were obviously excessively higher because I had that nasty stomach bug.

So, I mentioned at the start of last cycle that I was trying temping a different way and would tell all later.

Well, basically I tried temping vaginally. I know, ick and eww and all the other reactions that people (including myself) have when they hear about it but actually, since most people who are ttc check their cervix at least once a day, why?! I mean, it's not my favourite pastime or anything but if it helps me to understand my cycle and body a bit more then that's got to be worth the gross factor I say. Or perhaps I'm just strange...

Anyway, the reason I did it was because my oral temperature charts seemed quite wild to me and my temps appeared lower than normal. I was pretty sure having had the worst case cause for that checked out - thyroid troubles, and been given the all clear that it was probably just the other (more common) cause, because I always sleep with my mouth open.

So this cycle I did it the vaginal way and believe it or not, although my temp figures were far more normal in value, the overal pattern was far more wild in variation which was a surprise.

I'm unsure whether I will a) continue to chart this rest cycle or b) which method I'll use since neither stood out as far better to use.

AF Arrived

And earlier than expected to boot.

Journey 1:

Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12 (took B6)

Unmatched:

Cycle 7: Length: 24 and LP: ? (not tracking ovulation)
Cycle 8: Length: 26 and LP: ?
Cycle 9: Length: 27 and LP: ?

K & B stats:

Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)


I can definitely tell the difference between an ovulatory cycle and a no or low one - AF is definitely heavier and much more painful, which is strange when you consider that most people say an annovulatory one is worse.

It is also apparently (from what I've read), the Clomid that makes it step up a gear. It can't only be that though as my 2nd round (weak ovulation), AF was definitely less painful and lighter than the ovulatory 2. Go figure!

Blue

I wasn't sure whether to blog, I'm not feeling in a great mood tonight but then thought what the hell, my blog and I'm not afraid to use it. I know, you lucky lucky people.

I don't know what it is but tonight I just feel a bit down about this ttc lark. It's probably the dreaded final countdown to the arrival of AF that's the root of the cause of my mood to be honest. I'm 4 days away from her anticipated arrival. Bah.

As I've said previously, we're taking a break next cycle and the general feeling was that a couple of months would probably be enough for us all to sort things out and be ready to move forwards. I think that's a sensible plan but it doesn't stop a part of me wanting to say that really, I actually want to keep trying and not let another month (or 2) pass us by. I'm becoming a lot more logical lately though and trying not to let my heart rule my head, in a few areas of my life and this is just another example.

We've finally got our private consultation booked with the fertility specialist on the 21st of this month. I'm looking forward to it but with a sense of anxiety too, just because we've no idea what he may say or suggest and as I'm sure you all know by now, I don't do well with unknowns. The flip side is that we have to face the unknowns to then turn them around into something I much prefer, reality, even if sometimes it's not always what I want to hear.

If I'm honest, I think I know what he'll say and that is that the main problem is with my ovulatory issues. It's wondering what he's going to suggest as a way forward that gives me the most concern, since if we're talking IVF (which is the only Assisted Conception that 99% of fertility clinics licenced to help with surrogacy are allowed to offer), well then our ttc plan will need a major overhaul to say the least. Anyway, I'm speculating now, the good thing is that we will be talking to someone with extensive knowledge and who is very experienced and whatever happens, his opinion is most welcome and is sure to give us more to work with than we have currently.

So, why I am blue then? Well, it's pretty much same old if I'm honest, I'm just finding it incredibly hard going to see another month slipping by. I'm surrounded by pregnant women too, I mean, was there nothing on TV over Christmas, people. And if I'm finding it hard - with my 3 beautiful kids, what must it be like for K & B.

I know I can't keep riding the surrogacy roller coaster right now and that's why I think this break will be a good thing for me. I think it's pretty obvious to anyone who knows me that I must be feeling the pressure if it was me who suggested the break. I always fought the very idea (ask K my reaction to that suggestion last cycle!), being impatient to get the pregnancy party started meant that I saw a break as a waste of time and opportunity to get that BFP. But now I'm losing steam, not enthusiasm or commitment - that will never happen, just that my emotions are running on near empty and I need time to recharge my batteries and get my head back in the ttc game. I'm quite simply worn out. Yes, that's it, bottom line.

I can put my happy face on and be optimistic, give every cycle my best shot but inside, I'm finding it much harder than I'm probably letting on. A break - without the Clomid, pressure of insems, the horrible 2ww and armed with the answers we will hopefully get from our appointment, will help me to work through things and hopefully come back stronger.

Current Cycle Stats

I realised whilst looking through my old posts, that I hadn't kept up with my cycle stats so here they are:

Journey 1:

Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12 (took B6)

Unmatched:

Cycle 7: Length: 24 and LP: ? (not tracking ovulation obviously)
Cycle 8: Length: 26 and LP: ?
Cycle 9: Length: 27 and LP: ?

K & B stats:

Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)


It has been a long old journey to this point but how many of those cycles was I actually in with a real chance of getting my IPs their BFP?

I am thankful to K & B for a lot of things but one of the big things is that because of our match, I went and got tested and felt supported when the results came in. Inturn because of that, we're now on the way to making every single cycle, a real chance cycle so thanks boys! ♥

Common Abbreviations - For Lainy!

• TTC - Trying to conceive

• BD - Bedding/Baby dancing = Sex. This one gets no mention in the world of surrogacy thankyouverymuch!

• Insem - Insemination

• BBT - Basal body temperature. You take your temperature first thing in the morning, when you wake, before doing anything

• DPO - Days past ovulation

• OPK - Ovulation predictor kit/test

• AF - Aunt Flo - period/menstruation

• HPT - Home pregnancy test

• IP/IF/IM - Intended Parents/Fathers/Mothers

• BFP - Big fat positive - on a pregnancy test

• BFN - Big fat negative - on a pregnancy test

• CM - Cervical mucus

• IC - Internet cheapie - refers to the cheap bulk tests (either OPK or HPT) you can buy over the Internet

• 2ww - 2 week wait - the time between ovulation and when your period arrives. Generally said to be 14 days (hence 2 weeks) but can vary from woman to woman and be as short as 10 days, or less, or up to 16 days

• LP - Luteal phase - the phase of a woman's cycle between ovulation and the start of her period

• CP - Cervical position

• IUI - Intrauterine insemination - a method of artificial insemination, where the sperm (washed by the lab or unwashed) are injected directly into the uterus

• OI - Ovulation induction. Using tablets and/or injectible medicines to stimulate the ovaries to produce more/better quality eggs

• LOL - Laugh out loud

• GP - General Practitioner. A physician who provides general primary and preventative care, common in the UK

MIA

But don't worry, I am still very much alive and didn't drown in a marine accident as I had feared.

It does seem like ages ago I last wrote here though but in my defence, I've been kept busy this past week for a few reasons.

So, insems are over for another cycle and as usual, they were well timed - we are like a well oiled machine now, the 3 of us. The things we decided upon earlier in the cycle, happened, so we just used Instead Cups, no Pre-Seed for all but 1 insem and just the one insem per day.

Things didn't quite go according to plan in other areas though, ovulation was a bit earlier than we were expecting - only by a day, we all got sick over the crucial time and probably because of that, my mucus and cp didn't follow their usual pattern which threw me a bit.

4 out of 5 of my household got the bug and poor K too. B felt off but seems to of escaped actually being ill. It was pretty miserable all round but we soldiered on and managed to cover all bases so go us! My BBT went a bit crazy and shot right up, higher than it's ever gone before and we are unsure whether it was purely as a result of ovulation or whether it was because I was sick. Probably a combination. Either way, it tied in with everything else so we're sticking with it being ovulation - as I said to K, the actual numbers aren't important, more that there was a sustained thermal shift.

We had a nice time on the boat, I surprised myself with how quickly I got over my fear of being on water. I still wasn't entirely relaxed but it didn't end up being as bad as I was expecting. Well, apart from walking the wobbly floating pontoon/walkway where B managed to leap on it behind me (on more than one occasion - I should of learnt!), and make me shriek!

Now we are in the 2ww once again and perhaps for the final time for a while since we've decided that we will be taking a break from actively ttc. This is for a few reasons, on both sides and nothing for anyone to be suspicious about - for the nosey/cynical people reading this.

It's more a breather than a break, to achieve some goals, seek out some answers and to get our own proverbial ducks in a row. It's been an intense 6 cycles to say the least and I don't think any of us expected what has happened or how our relationship has evolved and suchlike and so a break is exactly what we all need at this point. How long the break will be for has yet to be decided at this stage.

We are going to still seek out the private consultation in the meantime, so that we are better armed to continue, knowing we're going in the right direction and we plan to meet up next month to stay in touch and enjoy each others company.

I'm not sure whether I will continue to chart my BBT or use OPKs during our break, although it is still useful information to have regardless of whether we're actively ttc or not. I've not really given thought to it at this point since we are still not done with this cycle so perhaps (hopefully!) there will be no need to even answer those questions!

I've got my progesterone blood test on Friday and so am hoping that shows a decent ovulation this cycle and if so, we will continue to just wait the rest of the 2ww out and be optimistic but realistic. If it doesn't, well then that will give us a few more questions to ask the fertility Dr.

So, that's pretty much all I've got for you at this point in the way of any update!

5 Down & 5 To Go

Half way through this final cycle of Clomid and oh yes, the dreaded bloating returned for this 3rd cycle of it. I hadn't missed it. Not quite as impressive as the 1st cycle but still, just as uncomfortable and something that no lady is happy to see.

Apart from that, the only side effects I've had so far this cycle are that I've been a bit irritable, teary and the usual brain fog, tiredness and hot flushes.

The latter have been a bit worse this time around but I'm fighting off a cold also right now so I think I'm experiencing hot flushes from both which ends up just being one intense heat explosion after another. I could probably attribute the tiredness to the cold too, to some extent anyway, because it definitely seems worse this cycle.

On a positive note, K & B have booked their accommodation for this cycle - It's, would you believe, on a canal boat! They had looked at something similar before but had found somewhere else in the end but this time, it's a Bank Holiday weekend here in the UK and as such, and bearing in mind the late booking, most local places were full but B found this.

I'm not a boat person to be honest so I was a bit nervous when K told me but it's permanently moored so it's not like it's going anywhere. I'm sure it'll be good fun, well once I've been there and reassured myself that it's perfectly safe and not going to end up becoming my watery grave! LOL, over dramatic, me? Nah... ;o)

Still, imagine being able to say to a child that they were conceived on a boat, pretty cool I reckon.

Very much looking forward to seeing the guys again, I actually feel pretty relaxed this cycle - more so than last if I'm honest. I don't know why, perhaps it's just familiarity taking over and so this has become the norm now and doesn't involve so much stress any more. I'm enjoying it though as I know once the 2ww hits, that will definitely all change!

Late Night Musings

It seems that the avenue of fertility assistance from the clinic, that I talked about in my last post, isn't quite the clear cut path we had envisaged, a telephone call from the specialist's personal assistant this morning made it clear that she actually didn't understand our situation at all. This is despite me making it crystal clear from the outset way back in March and in several e-mails that we have exchanged since.

Anyway, the upshot is that the specialist is on the fence about possibly treating us and given the strict laws surrounding surrogacy and treatment by clinics, I absolutely understand his hesitation to commit to anything without full knowledge, understanding and doing his own research but up until this point, he gave the impression that he fully understood our unique situation and had said he was willing (and therefore legally and ethically able, I thought) to assist us. Apparently not.

He has no problem testing us to find out if there is any reason we may not conceive but needs convincing that he can help us any further ie: ovulation induction. He worded it as 'if you can send me any useful literature...' that he can then digest and take into consideration when making a decision. This is on top of seeking advice on the possible legal implications of treating me/us in his clinic. Ugh. That's the word, feeling very ugh tonight. Probably not helped by starting Clomid today either.

I'm still as hopeful as K & B that we will conceive without the need for any further help but it's always nice, as I said in my last post, to know that you have a fall back plan. Just in case. And now there doesn't seem to be one at this point any longer which is crappy.

If I'm honest, I'm feeling frustrated. Mainly at myself, this was not how my surrogacy journey was meant to go at all. I don't think I ever had an unrealistic view, nor time frame, but perhaps I was far too optimistic along with it - considered the worst but expected the best. I don't really know.

I'm still enthusiastic and hopeful every month, I approach each cycle with the same belief - that this will be the cycle, that we'll see that much wanted BFP and I give 100% effort into trying to make that happen but it's getting harder as the months stack up if I'm honest and yes, my mind does wander to that place at times.

It's also the feeling of letting others down month after month that I find so difficult. I know I have said as much before here but it's something that doesn't ever get easier or you stop feeling, though I know logically that I can't be responsible for the failure of a cycle after doing all that I/we can to make it the opposite. And even though K & B never make me think or feel that way, it's how I feel personally anyway and that's a tough pill to swallow.

How can I give up on something, and someone (x2!), that's so important. Exactly, I can't and nor do I want to. I feel I was born to be a surrogate, it's like a vocation, a calling. If you knew me IRL, you would see how passionate and committed I am to surrogacy but, I have to have a cut off point somewhere. Where that is, I don't know and I hope I never get there and find that out but this is just so fucking hard going. I am not a patient person and being completely in the dark too month after month and left at the mercy of fate isn't helping either.

Frustrated, yeah, that's definitely what I'm feeling right now.

OK, enough of that stuff now - We've kicked a new cycle off, have Clomid already doing its job and an awesome team of three ready to kick ass and take on the ttc challenge for another month so let's GO! Cycle 6 is going to be THE cycle, right? Fingers crossed!

Out But All Is Good

I've started spotting this evening so this cycle is pretty much over, expecting full AF tomorrow. We all expected it though so it's not a crushing blow at least, still a disappointment of course but we are all feeling optimistic about a new cycle starting and with that, renewed hope.

I've got a lot happening this week so no time to wallow anyway, even if I wanted to. I will be keeping busy and glad about that, especially during the 5 days of taking Clomid. Ugh, yes, not looking forward to that at all but I know what to expect now at least.

My charting software changed my ovulation date for this cycle again, it's put it back to the day we originally thought! I'm not sure why but I feel happier that that's the more likely ovulation date - everything ties in, the + OPK, my cervical mucus and position too.

On another note, it also means that the date of my blood test was actually well timed, which is a bit of a downer as it means that the result I got (may not of ovulated) was probably right. At this stage, I'm unsure why I may not of ovulated on Clomid this time around but have not really researched explanations either - in keeping with our relaxed approach to be honest. It doesn't matter, it is what it is and nothing we can do can change that. I personally wonder if being ill and stressed meant that no amount of Clomid was going to make me ovulate this time around. Oh well, can't win 'em all.

This will be my final cycle of Clomid from this current prescription and so I have to go back and see my GP to get a further 3 months of it for the start of cycle 7 - if we need it of course but we've decided that actually, should it not work next cycle, that we will have a private fertility consultation. Just as an all round check up and to get a second opinion about whether Clomid is the right thing for the job or if anything else may get it done quicker and easier. Knowledge is power I always say and so I'm very much looking forward to the appointment, which is with a very well respected and experienced fertility specialist. A little nervous as it will involve some invasive testing for me but better to know, than not. The truth I can handle, unknowns - not so much.

Of course, it also helps me to focus on the future by giving me mini-goals if things don't go in our favour this coming cycle. It doesn't mean that I'm expecting anything other than a great result from cycle 6, just that I'm being pro-active and giving us other things to focus on in the meantime which can't be a bad thing. In ttc, you always have to be one step ahead and this is just another example of doing exactly that.

Talking of this cycle, I've decided to change my temping method. I ordered a new proper BBT thermometer, which measures to 2 decimal points. Ooooh, fancy! The things that get me excited these days, so tragic. LOL. I've also toyed with the idea of taking my temperature a different way, for greater accuracy and also it apparently shows calmer temps overall, although mine are not wild by any means. If I do go ahead with that, I'll explain more at a later date.

We are sticking purely with Instead Cups this cycle, we tried the other method but just think that the cups are far easier and actually probably far more effective. I'm happy with that as I much prefer them to the syringe method to be honest.

This cycle, we are going to try and spread insems over a longer period of time. Instead of concentrating on just 3, sometimes 4, days of insems, we are aiming for a day or so extra one side of my fertile phase or the other - perhaps both, we've not completely decided at this point but we want to make sure we are covering all bases.

And we have also decided that this time, we will be doing just the one insem each day. So far, we have mostly done two per day but I think it's just a lot of pressure (both time and mental) for K & B and really, how many couples when ttc traditionally have sex twice a day? Exactly. I don't think it increased our odds that much, if at all, since we don't know if mixing samples, and at that increased amount too, is actually counter-productive.

So, cycle 6 is about to begin and another roller coaster no doubt but as K said, he actually looks forward to the madness and would probably miss it if it were to stop! Crazy as it sounds, I agree. This is the path I chose and even with the ups and downs coming thick and fast every week, month in and month out, I wouldn't trade this experience, or my relationship with the guys, for anything. It's all good, very very good.

On a final subject and since I assume that they still peek in on my blog from time to time, I thought I'd mention it - I found out that my old IPs are matched once again.

At first, I wasn't sure how I felt about the news. It's something that I have considered with my current match, as I bet most surrogates have when the months ttc tick by - how would I feel if it ends up being someone other than me that makes K & B a family but actually, I'm pleased for M & J. That may sound strange, shouldn't I still be bitter? But no, we're all aiming for the same goal and it's not an easy path for anyone and if they are now back in the game with a new surrogate then good for them.

I wish them success and I mean that. It's not a race, they may reach the finishing line before us but I'm done with jealousy when other matches get their BFP, it achieves nothing and is a self-destructive emotion. So, I continue (as I did when we unmatched) to wish them the best of luck with their surrogacy journey.

Scrap That

My charting software decided to alter my ovulation date this morning, I've no idea why since nothing I entered was any different from the previous 4 days of the same temperature and it took it 9 days to decide that it had got it wrong but there you go. Gotta love technology.

So, it puts me back now to only 8dpo and with an expected AF arrival of Tuesday. Blah. I'm not a happy person about it as it means that insems were not as well timed as we'd hoped/thought, in that case. I mean, we did what we did and what is done, is done but yeah, it is kind of a kick in the ass in hindsight.

On the more upbeat side, my chart is still to be considered triphasic and looks great and we did get insems in within the all important 5 days prior to ovulation day window that you're meant to, and several at that so we're certainly not out completely. Optimistic but realistic sums it up best!


ETA : I called my Dr for my progesterone results and they weren't favourable, the level was just 15. As you probably know from my previous posts about it, they have to be 30+ for definite ovulation but anything over 5 is considered 'ovulatory activity'.

Strangely the note on the screen was 'may not of ovulated' and yet when I had a level of 25 on cycle 2, the note said 'no ovulation' so go figure. I wonder if perhaps the lab tech saw something in the sample that led them to believe I may of got my timing wrong and that gave the lower value? Hmmm.

I really am beginning to think I should stop blogging my thoughts, seriously how many times can I publicly be wrong in one cycle? LOL. I do still maintain that I ovulated though, everything fits and points towards it and we all know the blood test is not an exact science. Something has made my temperature rocket like it hasn't before and that's more accurate than the blood test.

All in all though, a bit of downer on what was already a bit of a crappy day after my chart confusion this morning but you know what, I think we just have to say that this cycle is one where we just have no real idea of what's happened but that soon enough we'll know the most important thing - the outcome. I spoke to K earlier and feel better after talking it through and he shares the same sentiment so we continue to wait and hope and will simply just have to see what happens in the coming few days.

On a final note - This afternoon, a friend posted a very apt quote and it says why I'm doing surrogacy and why I keep going even when things get tough :

'Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do'

H. Jackson Brown Jr

As Instructed

K told me I really should update my blog and always the dutiful surrogate, here I am. ;o)

Today I'm 9dpo and it appears I did ovulate after all and we actually did insem at exactly the right time again. So much for my last post!

I had my progesterone blood test yesterday and will call Thursday and see if the results are in. I feel pretty optimistic that I have ovulated this cycle but will await official confirmation before saying it too loudly.

Charting is going well, I appear to of possibly got a triphasic thing going on. If that sounds like a type of long extinct dinosaur, read the following link and make today a learn-something-new day :

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/Faqs/Triphasic-chart.html

As that says, it doesn't mean anything definitively and I'm certainly not getting my hopes up but rather just keeping an eye on things with keen interest.

I'm not charting symptoms this cycle, we decided on that in keeping with the chilled attitude we've adopted this cycle. And I've also already stopped charting my cervical position and mucus. Although K isn't sure if he likes me not keeping track actually!

Nothing else to update at this stage, I've been on holiday with the family and we are all keeping ourselves busy which is helping the 2ww go by quicker. Expecting AF around Sunday so not long to go now, thankfully.

Mixed

This was my view for a part of my long weekend with K & B! Feet up the wall... Never let it be said that traditional surrogacy isn't fun. ;o)

I loved seeing the guys again, we ended up talking a lot for various reasons over the 4 days but yet again, we came away knowing that little bit more about ourselves, each other and the match.

We used the syringe method for most of the insems but did use a cup on a couple of occasions. Unfortunately, my body has decided to confuse us as I had fertile signs from the day I arrived that are still going strong now but only one day of + OPKs but no temperature rise. As of today, ovulation doesn't appear to of actually happened. You are supposed to ovulate 5-9 days after your last tablet, that was 2 days ago. Some sites do say 5-12 but I am not sure I believe that.

It could also be that because I've not slept well for quite a few days now, that's affected my temperature reading and the thermal shift (indicating ovulation has occurred) hasn't been able to be detected. Especially since it seems my shift when I do ovulate is very minimal.

I seem to of caught a virus whilst I was away too and spent the visit feeling pretty rough with a constant headache, racing heart, dizziness and nausea. I felt terrible for K & B as I'm sure I was anything but a fun house guest but apart from one day which I spent under a duvet on the sofa, sleeping, we still managed to have some fun and spend time together.

I think this is going to go one of 3 ways though:

• I will ovulate but later than expected.
• I won't ovulate at all, possibly due to stress/illness.
• I have a slow temperature rise and it'll take a few days to show ovulation on my chart.

Regardless, at this point, we have decided not to do any further insems. We did what we could and have just been caught out by Mother Nature who had other plans. Naturally, I am disappointed since I'm obviously still fertile and this cycle need not go to waste if there is a chance I may still actually ovulate but I have to remember that I'm not doing this alone and it's not all about me and my wishes.

That is actually a very good point I would do well to remember - it's difficult when you have to consider 2 other people and sometimes you won't all be on the same page but that there has to be give and take. And that you can't always get your own way, big lesson for me if I'm honest.

I admit to finding things difficult this visit for a few reasons and if anything, I've taken away that perhaps I am not as important in the match as I maybe credited myself with - that sometimes it's not all about me and my feelings and wants, even though I may be the one with the all crucial eggs and womb. It's hard when you all have some control over a single journey but not one singular person can call all the shots.

It is especially difficult when you remember that before matching, the 3 of you had never met and have been thrown together with one common goal in mind. I compare it to doing a tango, always trying not to tread on toes and constantly moving your feet out of the other persons way. You're always learning and adapting. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, so, cycle 5 appears to be finished and it's not negative to say that it's pretty much given that it will not be successful. All but BBT are secondary (and therefore less reliable) fertile signs and so without that temp jump = no ovulation, and as such there is no way I can therefore get pregnant obviously. It is what it is and I have to make peace with that.

Feeling ambivalent about cycle 6. I'm hopeful, optimistic but realistic and also dreading it too - all in equal measure. Cycle 6 wasn't a great point for me last match obviously and my contract with K & B calls for a conference at this point too. Given what's happened in our own lives, in our match and to us all individually since we signed that agreement, I'm pretty worried....For now, I'm dealing with the here and now though.

Happy Easter!

I had hoped to do a post earlier but my computer died on me, well technically speaking it got a virus that stopped me from doing anything but yeah, dead is a pretty good, accurate but non-technical term really. It will hopefully be restored to working order and returned to me at the begining of the week.

I've borrowed my mother's laptop, this thing is ancient (and massive!) and the i and f keys are missing so you have to smack the metal where the keys were and it makes for tedious typing and sore fingers after a while but, I'm happy to be able to get online from something other than my phone so I'm not complaining too loudly!

We're nearly done with what seems to of been the longest Easter Break ever. Too many Bank Holidays for my liking, I detest Bank Holidays infact - it's like time stands still, nearly everything is shut and people flock to the places where I usually take the children so we end up doing very little and in my case, clock watching just to make through the day. Ugh.

Anyway, Clomid all finished for another cycle but hopefully for good obviously. The worst side effects were the mental ones, gotta be honest and say if that is what might happen next cycle, I'm dreading it already. The worst withdrawal effect I had was a severe headache and whilst horrible, it was manageable.

I'm going to Kent this cycle again, for insems so am looking forward to seeing the guys and luckily it's over yet another long Bank Holiday weekend so this is one where I won't be stuck clock watching!

We are also hoping that my body follows last cycle and I ovulate at the same point as I did before, which is usually the case on Clomid and will mean we have perfect timing yet again. I begin using OPKs tomorrow and charting my cervical mucus and position, last cycle I had begun all of that already by this point but I'm taking a more relaxed approach to it which is a theme all 3 of us are trying out this cycle, chilling.

K has been doing research online regarding syringe procedures and some other bits and bobs so we're thinking about tackling things a bit differently this time around, I'll update more specifically when I return, when I know how things went.

On a final note, B was watching a programme that featured a story about a fertility monitor that claims to be as effective as IVF. It's fascinating though, you wear a patch under your arm and download information from it every few days, via your computer, and that information is sent to a team of fertility specialists who analyse it and advise you of your fertile days BEFORE they happen. Allowing more accurate timing of intercourse/insems. It works by taking your temperature up to 20,000 times per day and detecting minute changes. Like BBT on a continuous and mammoth scale basically. And best of all, that means it eliminates the 4:45am wake up alarm I face daily to do my temp!

It claims to be 99% accurate at identifying a woman's most fertile days, up to 6 days in advance. Of course it's expensive but there are 2 options and 1 offers a money back guarantee if you don't conceive within 12 months - impressive stuff.

If you want to read more, you can find all the info here : www.duofertility.com

Brighter

I didn't like seeing the last post everytime I came to my blog, such gloom and since I'm feeling much happier today, I thought I'd bump that one down and this one up top.

As I said, I'm feeling better today and AF is thinking about vacating the premises so perhaps it was mainly those hormones at play and not so much the Clomid.

Today I spent a good part of the day in the fresh air and time with the kids, spring is truly here and we are trying to make the most of the nice weather whilst the children are on Easter Holiday from school. It was just what I needed, oh and some retail therapy was thrown in there too for good measure.

Clomid wise, apart from a terrible night last night where I saw far too many of the early hours on the bedside clock and ended up with about 3 hours sleep, I'm not feeling too bad, although in fairness, I think I had my fill yesterday! However, I am noticing the bloating creeping in again though so I'm hoping it doesn't develop as drastically as last cycle but we'll just have to see.

It'll soon be time for us to make some plans for around this time next week, it's crazy how the time just flies by this part of my cycle and yet drags so badly in the 2ww. I'm looking forward to seeing K & B again, we've decided to try the alternative insem method this time which will be interesting - using a syringe. All of us have done that method before with previous arrangements but it'll be a first in our match. Not nervous at all, it's a bit fiddly but we thought why not mix things up a little since we've done 4 cycles now with Instead Cups and it can't hurt and may help, we'll see I guess!

Simply Blah

I'm not doing so good today - warning, pity party for one coming up...

So, AF is here and what I had been reading regarding Clomid making for a bad AF has come true. It's bad bad. Think 5 changes of heavy duty stuff in 7 hours. Ugh. And painful. The pain began the day she arrived but has increased, it's pretty constant - although in all fairness, the pain could also be the residual UTI/kidney thing and Clomid/ovary stuff in the mix too.

I'm no baby, AF has never been particularly kind when visiting me but yeah, painkillers are my new best friend right now.

And then the Clomid side effects have started too. I've got to say with lightning speed too this cycle but they are definitely making their presence felt. In no particular order :

• Fatigue but also sleeplessness - Such a fun combination. Not.
• Nausea - Started after the 3rd tablet this morning. At least in this part of my cycle, I can take something to help with that thankfully.
• Headache - Nagging rather than horrendous which is one good point.
• Brain fog - This, as I said last cycle, is not a good one for me especially. Makes me feel on edge and disorientated.
• Hot flushes - Which actually are more of the night variety this time around - waking up with everything stuck to you is so not attractive. Or pleasant.
• Feeling blue - A new one, that and not very welcome either. AF hormones + Clomid hormones = not a very chirpy me right now.
  

The last one actually is the one that bothers me the most. Anything that can have an effect on my brain/mood scares the crap out of me. I don't like feeling odd or out of control, it raises my anxiety level by about 11. And what makes this worse is that this side effect took me by surprise, I was jumpy last cycle thinking I may have something of this nature but it never happened, I then thought this cycle would follow suit and so was unprepared to feel like this.

So anyway, I'm taking lots of deep breaths and reminding myself that this is only for a short amount of time and for a fantastic reason which helps a bit.

Again, same as last month, this time tomorrow, I'll be halfway done with the dreaded pills so I'm also focusing on that right now but I am desperate to snap out of this as I'm sure I'm not exactly being the best mother and wife right now.

I'm going out shortly to enjoy the gorgeous weather we're having here and hopefully the fresh air will do me some good and lift my spirits.

/whine

My Chart - Clomid Cycle 1

I thought it may be helpful to others, to see what a confirmed ovulatory chart may look like. You're not focusing on individual temperatures, more the overal pattern which clearly shows the different phases of the cycle.

Clomid Attempt 2

Journey 1:

Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12 (took B6)

Unmatched:

Cycle 7: Length: 24 and LP: ? (not tracking ovulation obviously)
Cycle 8: Length: 26 and LP: ?
Cycle 9: Length: 27 and LP: ?

K & B stats:

Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)