Nothing Stirring

Still pregnant and waiting impatiently. As are K & B, they had a very quiet Christmas awaiting any developments and K's already gone back to work, with B following on the 2nd if I'm still with child.

I saw my midwife this week who said Boo is 3/5 engaged, head down and everything is fine so it's just a matter of waiting until things kick off. She doesn't think he'll be as big as the hospital growth scan said (8lbs) but close to 7lbs she reckons. I told her that we scoff at weight guestimations but I don't feel as big with this baby as I did with my own 3 so perhaps she's not all that wrong.

I'm bored with waiting now, I'm still the world's most impatient person and this is not a good mixture, I'm very crabby and just want the birth part over with now. I'm also a big wuss and don't do very well with the unpredictable or the unknown - all of which are what labour and delivery are about.

I have an appointment with the hospital next week, on my EDD just to talk about how things are going and do the usual routine checks. My hospital doesn't induce until you're 12 days over so a long way to go yet if this baby doesn't get his eviction on any time soon. I was a bit irritated when I got a phone call from them yesterday, expecting me for my section. No-one had bothered to cancel the appointment once we knew he was head down some 3 weeks ago! I did wonder if it was ethical to offer a bribe to have it performed anyway, LOL, I was sorely tempted to give it a go.

Expecting my midwife to offer a stretch and sweep (strip membranes, to the non-UK readers), at 41 weeks, which is about as pleasant as it sounds but I'm sure by that point, if I'm still not unpregnified will sound very appealing. With my own I was 2 weeks early, 6 days late and then 10 days late so this could go either way I guess, it wouldn't be so bad if I went over because the kids might be back at school and that would be good for childcare on the plus side.

It's all just a bit of a drag right now. I'm so ready, K and B are very very ready so let's go, little man!

Where I am

On K's blog, which can be found here btw: http://2guysjourneytofatherhood.blogspot.co.uk , he talks a fair bit about how I must be feeling and what it's like for me - especially at this point in the journey and I guess now is as good a time as any to address that because a few people have asked me the same.

For the most part, I'm feeling mentally OK. I do have my wobbles, hormone induced I'm sure but where I wonder if I can really do this but I'm 98% sure I've worked through all possibilities - I can't be 100% sure because this is my first time after all, and I'm fine with what's to come. I know I don't want another baby and I know I certainly wouldn't ever want their baby so as far as I'm concerned, that's the most important aspect very clear in my mind and the one that some surrogates can't say hand on heart is the case for them and where things go very wrong.

I know I will feel a bit lonely afterwards, my job will be done and I won't be needed by the guys. Surrogacy has been such a huge part of my life for so long that it's bound to be strange and require an adjustment period and I'm prepared for that. Obviously I know to expect the baby blues on some level and am not afraid of them because I'm ready for that.

I'm apprehensive what he'll look like, or rather who he'll look like. I expect to see some characteristics of my own children in him but just hope not to see their face looking back at me - it might freak me out and take my emotions down a different path but again, I'm pre-empting that so I'm sure that alone will help me deal with that if it happens.

Honestly, I feel....well, fine, if I had to sum it up. Ready to do this, ready to give this baby to his daddies and ready to get my life back to how it was pre-pregnancy. I'm not quite ready to be done with surrogacy or the feeling I get when I realise just what an amazing thing I'm involved in achieving. Which leads me onto another subject that people have asked a few times lately...Will I do this again?

As regular visitors to this blog will know, I've said that I would love to do a sibling project and perhaps one other journey so 3 surrogate babies in total but never had anything set in stone in my mind. That still stands I think, I would like to give K & B a sibling for Boo but a lot depends on so many factors that that may not happen - I don't think any of us really know at this stage, or are giving it much thought, we're a little pre-occupied with other things currently!

I have been talking to a few other potential IPs and one couple does jump out at me. We've spoken a lot over the past month or so and I do feel a pull towards them, they are so so deserving. But there's a lot of uncertainty at this point because I don't know how I will fare giving birth and post-birth but thankfully they are very mindful of that and there's no pressure. Also, with moving to Scotland hopefully, that could perhaps scupper plans for a new match. It really is just waiting and seeing how things go for now. I'm in the never-say-never phase currently.

I'm trying to enjoy the remainder of this journey, it's hard when I'm so pregnant and ready for it to be over (the pregnancy, not the journey btw!) but this has been the most amazing time in my life and I'm so fortunate to share it with K & B. I love those guys more than I can express adequately and I know some out there reading won't understand that but that's ok.

Are we ready for the grand finale, guys?!

Oh Boy, Where To Start!

I literally don't know where to start with catching up on what's been going on. most importantly I will say, Boo is fine - he's about the only thing that has been OK! No drama or anything to update on that score. He's still safely (and comfortably it seems!) in his uterus cocoon.

No, all the drama began when my daughter had her tonsils removed on Monday, we only got the date the Saturday and didn't make the final decision until Sunday night. We were unsure if we should do it this close to Christmas and baby delivery day but figured we may as well get it over and done with.

Monday came and I ended up suffering a horrendous migraine and couldn't be with her for the op but my husband was so she was happy, even when I wasn't at being unable to be there for a few hours. I think it was just the stress and lack of sleep from the weeks before because I've not had a migraine for some 20 odd years now and so it scared the hell out of me because it was so unexpected and the vision/headache thing made me panic about pre-eclampsia. A phone call to my sister to take care of the other 2 small people, one of the midwife for reassurance and a quick visit to the doctor for a bp check and I was given the all-clear on the pre-e score as my bp was fine thankfully. It was just a question of having an hours rest and then heading to the hospital to be with my daughter and getting on with the thumping head pain that plauged me for the remainder of the day.

Her op went well and she recovered perfectly and we were able to leave the hospital within the expected 6 hours post-op and headed home. We knew we'd be in for a rough ride recovery-wise with her but it ended up being worse than that...

That night she was running a temp, I only have BBT thermometers (ha!) and so couldn't check it but I could tell by touch, I'd read a low grade temp post-op was normal and so although we had an awful night pain wise too with her, I just assumed it was all part of the expected course but it made for another awful nights sleep for us all yet again.

Next day she was worse, she couldn't stay awake, wasn't making sense, wouldn't take her pain meds or any food or drink and was burning hot. All day I felt uneasy watching her and managed to get a GP appt for that evening, we never actually made it as far as a consultation because our surgery consistently runs late and this was no different - so fed up of waiting and waiting, whilst my poor girl struggled to stay almost conscious in the waiting room, I asked for my husband to contact the ward where she'd had her op and they told us to bring her straight to A&E and so I walked out, disgusted (which I voiced to the receptionist who could see how sick my child was and did nothing to speed us through the wait) and we went to the hospital.

It turns out that infection had set in already and she had to be admitted for IV painkillers, antibiotics and re hydration. My wonderful husband stayed again because I couldn't risk going into labour and having to leave her there alone so it made me sense but I cried the entire ride home, yet again I couldn't be with her when I should of been and my mummy guilt went into overdrive. It was gone 1am before I fell into bed and obviously I didn't sleep much for worrying so yet more broken sleep.

The following day and she turned a corner and was much better but we still had a fight to get her to eat and drink and take oral meds or risk being kept in again. Lots of pleading and bribery, tears from both her and I, and threats of her not being home for Christmas - oh and a change of meds to one that was the 'right' colour and we were discharged late that evening. I'm happy to report that she is continuing to do better, still has lots of pain and isn't anywhere near back to normal but 5 days post-op and we're managing to keep her somewhat comfortable for the most part. Apart from a couple of nights ago, when we had a fight with her at 1am about the meds again, we've also managed to catch up on some lost sleep.

I've spent all this time hoping that I didn't go into labour because I couldn't fathom how I could juggle everything and how physically and mentally I could labour and deliver, without complete breakdown. I'm still hoping the little man stays put for a few more days so I can continue to rest up and prepare but who knows. I've still not so much as packed my hospital bag!

With everything that's gone on, I've also come down with a bad sore throat which has knocked me sideways. Nothing compared to my poor girl's sore throat but very painful nonetheless and it's not helping me feel very festive. Talking of which, because we unexpectedly had a small one home all last week, the final bits of Christmas present shopping and all the wrapping has still to be done. I'm so unprepared and not at all in the mood for the big day, that's making me feel like shit, I like to be organised and prepared in advance and I usually love Christmas but not this year. Tomorrow also marks another anniversary of the death of my father and with my mum and gran not here in Bristol this year either, well frankly I just want to curl up until 2013 arrives. Oh and before events of the past week, my husband decided to invite my inlaws to Christmas dinner....Yeah, 'nuff said.

That's what's been happening here, I feel like I've been on a very fast and twisty roller coaster. I'm so ready to get this baby out and where he belongs, I need to get some normality back into all our lives but there's still so much uncertainty to go. I thought having a Christmas baby would be so lovely and I'm sure minus all the other crap that's gone on, it would be but now I'm realising it's actually not so ideal! Ah well, bit too late to do anything about that now - let's just hope he doesn't make us wait past our due date or else 2013 will begin with as much uncertainty as 2012 ended with!

And Now Relax....

I had a routine community midwife appt today, it was booked last week and my midwife likes to keep in touch, especially given our situation so I didn't cancel despite knowing she would be repeating what I had done yesterday.

Great news - BP today is perfectly fine, urine is clear today and the lab result was clear from yesterday, measuring fine, baby is still head-down she said, heartbeat fine and iron is low but I'm to stick with the liquid iron as it's not dropping as rapidly as before. The bloods from clinic yesterday were back and some flagged as abnormal but she said, in her opinon, they were still OK but given that the senior doctor we saw wrote on my notes that he wanted to review me in a week - dependent on the results, she said I should call the hospital and see what they make of the results.

Nothing else to report, I was glad to hear about the BP especially because that was concerning me. I think I was just dealing with the painful night I'd had, hadn't eaten, had rushed to my appt, was dreading fighting with the doctor about the section and also my oldest had to be collected from school due to illness - no wonder my BP was raised!

Talking of sickness, my poor middle child was home from school today. I am hoping to avoid their bugs because the last thing I want it to feel anything less than 100% for the big event but I'm realistic that it is winter after all. Hoping to get the tree up before the end of the weekend, give the house a complete clean and finish up buying presents and wrapping everything - that way at least if anything does happen, I'm not fretting about any of that stuff. Oh and I suppose I'd best pack my hospital bag - nothing like leaving it until the last minute!

Final Bump Pic Perhaps?

Feeling every oz too - 37w+1d!

Appointment Amazement!

I had my follow-up hospital antenatal appointment yesterday and went solo as it was routine and K & B are cramming in last minute work hours before Boo's arrival.

I'd had a bad night the night before, I had intense and very painful backache, felt generally not right and had awful nausea and sweating. I thought honestly I was in labour. I went to bed, with the thought that if it was the real deal, we'd soon know one way or another and although I slept terribly, I woke up feeling much better. It really messed with my mind though, I realised just how apprehensive I am about the labour and birth and how unprepared I am - mentally and literally!

So, I was not in the best condition for the appointment but I'm glad I still went, even though I just wanted to crawl back in bed.

Bad stuff from the appointment is that my BP has begun to creep up, much like it did with my youngest child - gradually but steadily. I already knew this I think because of the terrible headaches I've been getting lately. The dr (who was the lovely doctor we had seen before, who we wanted to see this time) ordered some bloods to be taken to see what my liver is up to, basically to confirm or rule out the start of pre-eclampsia or confirm if it's just PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension) - which is what I had with my youngest. My urine was clear of protein at least so that's a good sign that it is just the latter again.

My sample however did have +3 of leukocytes (white blood cells) and +2 of ketones. Ketones I have every pregnancy and is just when I don't eat enough, which was the case yesterday morning because I felt rough from the night before so that is nothing to worry about. The WBC indicate an infection somewhere, probably a UTI and that could well explain the high BP and feeling so awful the night before. The doctor ordered it to be sent off to the lab to be tested and I'll find out the results (along with the blood results) this afternoon.

Oh and I forgot to mention that last week, my GP called and my iron levels have fallen even further despite me taking a double liquid iron supplement. I knew they had, I've been feeling pretty crappy and as someone with chronic anameia, I know the signs well. I will be talking to my midwife about what can be done at this late stage, I don't want to switch to iron tablets though.

Back to the appointment and all that was left to do at the appointment was to talk through the birth plans, the scheduled section...He basically confirmed that they couldn't justify a section if Boo had turned and that it was still better and safer for me to aim for a vaginal delivery and so he advised the ECV (version) but I told him that no, we were sure we didn't want to go down that avenue and he was fine with it.

There was a student with the doctor and he asked her examine me to check position etc and she couldn't find the head in my pelvic area and so worked up and felt the head under my ribs, confirmed by the doctor. They had a little discussion and he said 'well, let's save all this guesswork and go check!' and off we went for a quick impromtu ultrasound.

None of us could believe it when we saw what we thought was the head, was actually a bottom, on the screen! Boo had fooled us and was actually now head down, perfect position! Ha, just goes to show, as the doctor himself said, you can't even trust a doctor to get it right. LOL.

I had no idea he had turned, much like when my 3rd child did the same and I'm so stuffed full of baby that you would think I would feel a huge shift like that but nope.

So, we're back on for a natural birth which I'm thankful for of course. It'll be nice to be up and running again quicker after the birth, than if I had a section and I don't have to worry about added complications that come with surgery and I'm really happy that I don't have to think about being cut open whilst awake! However, I'm apprehensive about natural labour, despite having done it 3 times before but in fairness, I had a mixed bag of labour and deliveries with them and it's the unexpected again this time around but I'm trying to go into the final few weeks with a positive and open mind and not be scared of labour because that does not help. At least now, I can also get my hospital bag sorted accordingly, can now order my TENS machine for early labour and I can write an appropriate birth plan for the situation so all's good in the end. Now just to hope the small one stays that way round...I kid but honestly, no-one thought he would flip this late so you just never know. I will be asking the midwife when I'm admitted to double (or even triple) check his position as early on as possible though!

With that, we're now ready for launch and Boo is free to make an appearance whenever he is ready - 37w+1d and the countdown has begun! I had a big week this week so I'm glad nothing has happened yet, it would of been sod's law - next week would be perfect as it's the kids last week at school and I would be done, delivered and dusted by the time they are home full-time and in time for Christmas. So little man, are you listening? Get your move ON please. :o) Although knowing you, you've still probably got a few more surprises left for us...Christmas Day perhaps? LOL.

We Have A Date!

K has left to return home to Kent, following a crazy busy week so far of baby related dates and I think it's safe to say our heads are in a spin - with a mixture of excitement and anxiety.

My scan yesterday confirmed that baby is still breech. He's happy and healthy though, no other concerns and right on target weight still so that's excellent. We followed that by seeing the doctor at the antenatal clinic and things went a bit downhill.

We had hoped to see the same senior doctor we had seen 4 weeks ago, who was very approachable and with whom we all seemed to have a good rapport with but we ended up with, as happens all too often at these clinics, his junior. Sadly this particular doctor obviously missed the lectures at Uni on good beside manners!

Of course we were offered an ECV (version, to turn the baby) but since Boo's been breech consistently, we had already had that discussion between the 3 of us and decided it wasn't for us and so knew that we wanted to go straight to scheduling a c-section. Except Dr No Manners wasn't going to let it go that easily, no, he wanted to patronise us by telling us that Google can make anything seem good or bad and that just because we'd probably read on there that a version was often unsuccessful, didn't make it true. Duh, really? So, strike number 1 against him for assuming that we were that naive and not able to interpret interwebz data neutrally. He then went into what felt like a 15 minute lecture about how he has done lots personally and never had a woman need an emergency section/95% of women find it uncomfortable but not painful/how they are professionals and do this all the time and how it has between a 30-80% chance of being successful. Well, that's great, I'm pleased that he's competent and pro-version but for us, in our very unique situation, it wasn't something we wanted to do however.

We were very open and honest that a section would also be a good option for us, in terms of me being able to sort out childcare, my husband booking time off work, K & B being able to book appropriate accommodation over what will be a very expensive time of year and them ensuring they are here in time. Yes, there is an element of a section being convenient for us all and I'm not ashamed to say that.

The doctor took that particular element and ran with it, in my opinion and disregarded any other reasons we gave for preferring a section which irked both K and I. Also, he irritated K because he kept referring to it as my baby, which legally it is blah blah blah but some sensitivity given the fact he knew our situation, wouldn't of gone amiss. And then when he started talking at us, it was like adding fuel to K's fire.

There is also still the issue that if we rock up for our section on the planned date, if baby has turned then they will send us all away to await natural labour and delivery. Now, if we all lived just down the road, it was just me and the father involved and it wasn't the festive period then that wouldn't be so much of an issue but that's not the case. We asked the doctor if there was any flexibility with that 'rule' and he blew it out of the water and said without clinical need, they wouldn't perform one. Now, that didn't sit right with me for 2 reasons - number 1, due to a change in guidelines, any mother can request a section and have it considered, there does not need to be a medical need any longer and number 2 - they allow elective sections, where the reason for that being granted, doesn't materialise so how is that then clinically justified? Exactly, it can't be can it? There is flexibility and doctor discretion but he just wasn't going to agree. K and I were really unhappy by this point to be honest and the meeting had pretty much gone stale by then.

Dr Rude told us that he had an information leaflet on how this particular hospital does versions and the success rates etc and that we should take it way with us, read up more, talk amongst ourselves and then come back in a week to discuss it further. We pointed out that if we were to come back in a week, just to confirm what we were already telling him, it would more than likely be just myself because of the logistics of K & B getting back down here - which would be annoying and unfortunate because actually this was a discussion that both of them should be involved in, especially since it involved making a critical decision about the delivery of their child.

The dr made the appropriate smug noises to signal he took that on board but then went off on a tangent again about how that's the nature of having a baby, it's unpredictable etc. Which was fine if it was a comment made off the cuff, rather than him talking at us like we were stupid once again.

I told the doctor that I would take the leaflet, we would go away and discuss options again but that I really wanted to get a section booked in so that I was in the queue and not losing any time, should we decide to continue with that option. He went off to get the leaflet and book the section - 27th December is baby-eviction date!

And that was the end of that appointment. I'm due to go back next Tuesday to discuss it further but with the more senior consultant, who we got on well with. Our minds are almost certainly made up though. If you want to look up ECV on Youtube, you'll see why straight away but that coupled with the leaflet the doctor gave us, where the odds and statistics are pretty shocking, then you'll understand why we're going for the section instead I think.

Both K and I have already begun researching NICE information (clinical guidelines that are issued for health care matters in the UK) and feel we have a pretty strong case to present next week regarding getting a section guaranteed in the event that Boo has turned. 

We rounded off a long day with a tour of the hospital in the evening, even though I knew all about the place and how things work, it was lovely to go along with K and experience that milestone with him regardless and now it won't be so alien to him on the big day. I did tell K afterwards though that the Portland (super posh hospital in London, where celebs have their babies) definitely was a much nicer option! Actually though, you go to the hospital to have your baby and come home, not to get 5 star luxury treatment so it's all good.

Early this morning, before K headed home, we went to an antenatal class with a community midwife. Again, I don't think there was much that I didn't already know and definitely not that much more that K learnt from it but it was great to be able to go along together and experience that part of pregnancy. After all, these are all exciting points in a 'normal' pregnancy and I don't want them to miss a single thing. We were both laughing about B not being able to make the class - he doesn't do well with bodily talk and there was talk about snapping your bum muscles like an elastic band, stitching up of lady parts and of waters breaking and running down legs! LOL. I'm not sure he'll be all that sad he missed it when K gives him a briefing later on.

On a side note, when we walked into class, we spoke with the midwife running it who I know very well and she asked about the scan outcome. We voiced our concerns about the section being off the cards if he's turned. Straight away she said that he wouldn't turn now, if he'd been consistently breech and this is a very experienced midwife who tells things like they are so I trust her judgement. Of course, babies being babies, they don't always conform to expectations but I'm going to try not to worry he will flip and if he does, well, we'll deal with that at that time.

So, that's where things are currently. Either way, we're well on the way to meeting this little monkey in the very immediate future. If all stays the same, 3 weeks from today and my journey will be over and K & B's will be really starting! I can't believe it, we're almost there, we've almost done this and completed the miracle - go team KHB!!

Success!

It went really well today, at the meeting and we all came away relieved and much more reassured that hopefully the final stages of our journey together, will be just as we want.

We met with the head of midwifery and the hospital matron, both were warm and welcoming and took the lead in terms of talking about how things work in their eyes but it didn't feel like they were lecturing us or anything, it was informal and there was a flow of information from all sides.

Basically, they said that although they have dealt with surrogacy before, they haven't dealt with a male couple before. It was added that that would have no effect on how we were all treated and that everyone would be welcomed and on an equal footing - the same as any normal couple having a baby.

Almost straight away we were told that at least one of the guys would be allowed to stay overnight with me, if an overnight or longer stay was necessary - as long as there was a free amenity room and that they would make every effort to see that we got one. Both B and I immediately saw a smile cross K's face and he visibly relaxed at that point, we could all tell that actually this meeting wasn't going to be a battle like we'd all feared.

We were told that they were fine with either K or B assuming care of their son and staying as much as they wanted, even if we aren't fortunate enough to get a private room. Just that without a private room, the guys would have to leave overnight and come back first thing - that's just how it has to be on a ladies only ward.

They said that the rule they have at the hospital, of the father having open visiting hours, would also be extended to the other father in our case as an exception, for our unique situation.

The rest of the meeting was spent discussing various specifics - such as if I have an emergency c-section and who will be the birthing partner etc.

It was a relatively swift meeting but that wasn't because we felt rushed, rather that we all were in agreement and there was nothing further to discuss!

So, we're all very pleased with the outcome and how we're being treated by the hospital. It's lifted some weight from our shoulders and we can focus on the next obstacle that may present itself - baby still being breech on Wednesday but if we learnt something from today, it's that we shouldn't worry ourselves without cause because things can change quickly and favourably and it's all then just been wasted energy.

We are the very happy 3 Amigos tonight!

Monday Meeting Looms

I must admit I've been a bit too busy with other matters to give it much thought and besides, we only have so much power to get things changed anyway and I can't give too much energy or thought to something that I don't seem to have much control over unfortunately. I'm looking forward to it though, at least one way or another, we'll have a clearer idea of what is going to happen - be it good or bad. I feel in limbo, like I can't decide anything about the birth - from what I need to pack (will it be overnight or for 3 nights?) to what to put in my birth plan so it'll be nice to know and plan accordingly.

Our community midwife has come out fighting now, I think she realises the injustice of it all and isn't going to allow us to go down without a fight. I had a routine appointment with her today and she said that she's been talking to the manager at her local delivery hospital and that 'there are other options'. Which she went on to say could include delivering at that hospital, instead of our chosen one on the other side of the city. I'm not sure how I feel about that but I guess we need to see what each side is offering us. She did make a point of saying, regarding the meeting on Monday 'you do know that you won't get it all the way you want though, some things can't be changed' but she didn't elaborate. Hmmm, doesn't bode well I must say and she obviously knows more than she was letting on I think.

The rest of the appointment was as expected, BP fine, baby's heart rate fine, urine clear, measuring fine and she took blood for my iron levels. She still can't accurately determine the position of Boo, she thinks in some respects (finding heartbeat high, as has been usual at every appt) that he is still breech but admitted that she also felt what she thought was 'an area full of limbs' which would imply he was head down. LOL. Hedging your bets, much?! I reckon he's head down, I could well be wrong but I no longer feel as stuffed up with baby head under my stomach as before, I'm feeling kicks differently and not as strongly as before. We will see come Wednesday!

I am actually hoping he is breech still, I've come to the conclusion that a c-section would just be most beneficial all round in terms of timing, accommodation for my IFs, them making the birth, childcare, recovery and my well-being. I have even toyed with the idea of asking for one on Wednesday, even though I'm sure they'll refuse. I just think given our unique situation, and taking into account all the other factors, that it would be the better birth option and it sits right with me. Again, I guess we'll see come Wednesday.

I can't believe I'm almost at the end of what's been an epic journey, it's crazy to think within a month (hopefully!), I'll of had my first surrogate baby and my life will return to some sort of normality. I hope I don't feel too deflated and the high of achieving something that so few people will ever achieve, carries me through until I'm hormonally balanced once again! I'm excited to finish what I started some almost 2.5 years ago but super anxious about the birthing thing - as most mothers-to-be are. Except it's different, I'm not going to be a mummy again, no I'm going to be something far more special and for that, I proudly blow my own trumpet!

It's Oh So Quiet!

...and peaceful until....Bam! That sums up the past 3 days.

I had that reaction/tummy bug and felt awful, truly wiped out but by Monday, life went on and I threw myself back into it but I think I did it all too soon because Tuesday saw a relapse of all those nasty tummy bug symptoms and I spent the day feeling very sorry for myself indeed.

I decided to take yesterday easy and go back to basics, I did nothing but lounge on the sofa, drank only flavoured water (and lots of it) and ate plain toast but spent a good portion of the day in and out of the bathroom feeling dreadful once again. I noticed that Boo was quieter than normal but figured he was just resting after the past few days too and giving his tummy mummy a break.

As the day wore on, I realised that actually, he was really quiet. My instinct told me that he was OK and the doppler confirmed that much, but there was that niggling feeling that perhaps he wasn't as happy as he had been before and so I did the sensible thing and called Delivery Suite at the hospital for advice - although I already knew the drill ('this ain't my first rodeo!' is fast becoming my pregnancy phrase!) and duly ate something sweet, drank something cold and laid on my left hand side for an hour to see if we couldn't spurr baby into some action in there. But nothing happened. Not for ages, a good 40 minutes and then I felt him slowly slide around in there and so I called them back and was told to pop in for a check over.

Thankfully my husband was on a night off and so was able to take the childcare reigns and I text K & B to tell them what was happening. I felt bad because I knew they would be worried and yet I knew it was probably all fine but they needed to be aware just incase. Traffic was light and parking was easy which was a bonus to having to go out in the wind, rain and darkness of late evening I suppose.

It was very surreal walking into Delivery Suite. I've been there before with my own so it's not alien to me but the butterflies in my stomach told me that I was nervous nonetheless. I handed my notes in at reception and sat down in the waiting room for a spare room. And I waited. And waited. Annnd waited. Then some kind passing midwife asked if I was being seen to and I said that I thought I was but was getting a bit concerned now so she went and checked for me.

Another midwife appeared rapidly and apologised profusely for leaving me, I assume they had forgotten I had arrived. LOL, that's fast becoming the story of our pregnancy! Honestly though, apart from feeling rough still so wanting to get checked and home again quickly and the parking meter ticking outside, I didn't mind waiting - after all, they were busy and there were ladies in labour, who's needs were a lot more urgent than mine.

Straight away, once in the room, I gave a sample, laid on the bed and the midwife had a feel of baby - yes, still breech. *sigh* And then I was put on the monitor.

Lots of texts flew between K and I, as I kept him informed and tried to calm his fears by telling him that the heart rate was fine and I was feeling Boo move now etc. Boo was very quiet for quite some time on the monitor though.

At one point however, Boo's heart rate flew up to just over 170bpm and the machine started to flash and an alarm went off. It did settle, going back down to 111 actually but at least it didn't remain high and the fast period was during some intense wriggling around so made sense.

Below you can see the trace print out - on the bottom left hand side was when recording began and it was steady and then towards the top left hand side, when he went mad in there, you can see how wild his heart rate went! Pretty cool I thought.

The mw returned and seemed pleased with the trace and I was taken off. Blood pressure was fine but she said there had been some blood in my urine sample. Quickly she added that it could be simple contamination or at worst, a UTI but not to worry. So that sample has been sent off to the lab and I have to call Delivery on Friday to find out the results. Even though I don't have any UTI symptoms, to be honest, I've felt so so rough since Saturday that I could well have and yet they have just blended in with the general aches and pains and feelings of crappiness.

I saw the doctor before I was discharged, who also said that he was happy with the trace and that I was free to go and so with that positive news fired off to K & B, that was the end of the drama for the night and we all breathed a huge sigh of relief.

I did apologise to K & B for the stress that it caused them and that I would never make a fuss if I wasn't really concerned. I know they knew that already but I just felt awful that they probably lost 5 years off their lives in fear and concern last night. I did take comfort in the fact that we'd got to 34 weeks without any major baby-well being related scary stuff.

So, the day after the night before and I strangely slept better than I had in days, which was nice but I know that neither K nor B did unfortunately. This is probably the start of their time to be on edge, which is not nice but we are on the birth countdown almost so its to be expected.

I'm still not feeling 100%, probably around 70. That bug has really knocked me sideways and combined with other things going on, the scare with Boo and the realisation that birth is just around the corner and I'm an anxious and teary mess right now to be honest. I'm hoping that with some rest, I'll bounce back but I feel all over the place.

Physically, I'm feeling very uncomfortable which isn't helping I'm sure. Everything in my tummy, uterus and butt hurts. It's a sore/dragging/heavy/painful type feeling and it's all over. Also SPD has begun and it hurts to move much. Maybe the bug shook everything up, probably. I hate feeling anything less than fighting fit, it starts my anxiety off and then there's that viscious circle off and running. Ugh.

Anyway, main thing is Boo is fine, I'm OK and we're all just a little more alert on the baby front now. I hope however that we won't be visiting Delivery Suite for at least another 3 weeks but more would be better!

I'm Not Happy

I woke at 4am feeling not quite right - you know that feeling where you know you're not fully asleep and not feeling right but it takes you hours to finally reach the peak that wakes you up? Yeah anyway, that was me this morning.

And then the bad stomach stuff started. Not fun at all when a) you're exhausted after so little sleep, b) you've a baby doing the samba in your delicate tummy, c) you can't take your usual 'go to' remedies because they aren't allowed in pregnancy and d) you are vomit phobic. Oh and e) you're all alone, with 3 small children because your husband is working as per usual.

So, I sat on the bed and tried not to cry as I paced the room - I have to say that I'm very thankful for an en-suite in our new house. I text my husband and whined at him about how awful I felt and then I took my prescribed morning sickness tablets and hoped for the best. It didn't work really so I knew it wasn't hormonal and I actually had a bug. Perhaps...

Then I laid there, tossing and turning and trying not to clock-watch until hubby would be home and I could relax knowing that I had him to calm my puking fears down and watch the children which would also reduce my anxiety. As I laid there though, I rolled over onto my left arm - onto the spot where I'd had my whooping cough vaccine, late on Friday night and the penny dropped. Could the vax be the cause of my illness? Hmm, so I naturally consulted Dr Google, who threw up (no pun intended) a ton of reputable sites which confirmed that yes, my symptoms were perhaps entirely down to the jab I'd had.

I was pretty mad I've got to say, I don't usually moan about the things I go through as a surrogate but this (and probably my lack of sleep) really got me riled up. If I wasn't pregnant, I wouldn't of had the vaccination. If I wasn't pregnant, I could of taken my usual anti-sickness/anti-diarrhoea tablets. And if I was pregnant but not a surrogate, I would be suffering for MYSELF and MY baby but this wasn't the case this time. I did mull that over a lot as I traipsed backwards and forwards to the bathroom, snatching fitful minutes of sleep between being ill and trying to referee between my 3 children - who were bored and boisterous because they'd been stuck in 2 days as I felt unwell yesterday too and all for someone else. Which set me off along the irritated and slightly angry path once again.

So, here I am, some 13 hours after being woken up - drained, in pain, still being ill and yet sat with my children, trying to engage with them and be happy mummy when all I want is to feel better first and foremost but secondly, curl up in bed and hope it passes soon. It is moments like this that I get pissed off that I'm a surrogate and my IFs aren't here suffering with me or at least doing something to actually help me whilst I recover* - no, my life goes on despite the fact that none of this is for me.

Anyway, there you have it - rantings of a sleep-deprived, sick and pretty fed up surrogate. Tomorrow I had better be recovered or else part 2 of this rant is just around the corner.





*Disclaimer - They would help me if they were closer and could and really what exactly could they do but angry rantings aren't always logical so there.

Meeting Date

Our hospital team meeting is on the 3rd of December, nothing like leaving it until the last minute and I'm starting to believe that this was a deliberate plan so that we have less time to complain and get anything we're not happy about changed before birth. Still, we have a date at least which is a step forward.

My community midwife is coming along, it's a learning curve for her since she's never dealt with a surrogate pregnancy before and she is my advocate which means that she's there to support me and help me to convey our wishes so I've no objections.

I had an interesting conversation with her today though where she told me that my delivering hospital don't have a policy for surrogate births, which contradicts what we were told before. And that neither hospital has dealt with a male couple surrogacy birth either.

The hospital that she is affiliated with (there are 2 hospitals in my city and I'm birthing at the other) has a general surrogacy birth policy though and so she thinks that mine will 'borrow' that one when the meeting comes around. That was a good bit of information to of gained because in my mind, if they don't have a written policy in place then how can they justify denying our reasonable requests? Exactly.

I think it's interesting that this other hospital have a written policy that states that an IM can assume all care of the baby upon birth but not an IF - what if in a normal heterosexual surrogacy agreement, the IM couldn't be there for the birth or what if she was disabled and wasn't able to care for the child and so the IF wanted to assume that role? There's zero thought for anything outside of the norm, which infuriates me. We live in changing times, gay surrogacy is going to increase and these hospitals and their hierarchy need to adjust to meet ever more diverse needs.

Anyway, her boss thinks that we will be offered a double room, which I don't have a problem with but that only the recognised father will get usual father visiting rights and not both K & B. Well, since both are the fathers of the baby in terms of parenting and we don't actually know who is the father, how are they going to dictate who has more visitation rights than the other? We may get lucky and get the midwives to care for the baby at night but that's just what my midwife thinks we could suggest, the likelihood of staffing levels or the staff themselves wanting to take that responsibility on, is pretty slim.

I can feel my midwife's frustration over the situation, she doesn't think what will probably be suggested to us at this meeting will be fair and that perhaps it will be verging on discriminatory but of course, her own personal opinion is not able to be voiced in the professional world so holds no weight, well other than being lovely for me to know.

I don't know what I think or feel, I have so much on my plate already - a probable move to Scotland before Christmas in which case, does fighting here in Bristol even matter that much? My daughter has an operation the end of this month, which is worrying me a lot, general day to day life stress and of course, the very important matter of actually continuing to grow this baby to term and then getting him safely from my womb, into his daddies arms. What happens after is of course very important to me and I do not want to give in to the power of the NHS bigwigs but really, what choice do we have? Especially so late into the pregnancy too.

We deserve to at least have our moment, to say how we feel and talk about our wishes and concerns but do I believe we'll come away from that meeting feeling happier and having found a compromise? No, not really. I guess I'm getting in the mindset already, that what will be, will be and we'll muddle through as best as we can. Doesn't mean I'm happy with it or think it's fair but it is what it is. I'm not even sure that I have that much of a problem with looking after Boo if/when either K or B have to leave the ward, in an ideal world I don't want to and shouldn't have to, but if that's what needs to happen to allow us all to finish our journey on a happy note then I'll take on that job.

The rest of the appointment went like this, all good stuff really:

• BP has crept up a little from being low, although very normal, I do hope this isn't the start of an increasing pattern.
• Boo is still breech.
• Heart rate was fine.
• Iron level is now borderline low, she said to try liquid iron and she'll retest in 2 weeks time.
• Fundal height has leapt from last week, I'm now measuring 36cms but in the absence of diabetes, they don't pay much attention to it.

 And that was it, I'll see her again in 2 weeks time, just before the hospital team meeting. I'm pretty worn out mentally from the appointment today, it was informative but just made me feel a bit sad and resigned to the fact that people don't seem to care any more. I'm sure the fact that I'm sleeping like utter crap nowadays isn't helping my mood though, tomorrow is another day and all that.

Money

K and I were talking last night and the discussion of how the expense payments post birth will go, we'd already agreed in our contract and spoken about it since but things change and it's important to recognise that and be flexible but most importantly, be able to discuss openly and honestly those changes in a journey of this nature.

So, my point of view was that it's difficult as a surrogate, once the baby is born because there is a shift in 'power' - not the right word but it is the best word. As a surrogate, you have nothing and as an IP, you have everything - you have the 'prize'. Again, not the right word but it's true nonetheless. It is therefore important that both sides retain some control of the changing situation so that no one person feels left out, until the journey is done and completely dusted and the Parental Order signed off.

I wonder how other surrogates and IPs work this stuff out and whether one way works best, probably not since nothing suits every single person the same. Anyway, we were able to talk frankly about what we thought on the situation and come to an agreement which wasn't far away from what we originally agreed upon but that chat allowed us to air our feelings on the matter. I came away feeling relieved that what could of been a heated exchange, was sorted easily and with us both (B's away but I know K is able to speak on his behalf) happy with the outcome.

Money is the biggest stumbling block, in my opinion, within a surrogacy journey and it's the most awkward thing to talk about but it's also the most necessary. I'm glad that it wasn't the case for us last night and that we managed to respect each others opinion and come together once again to find the solution that works for us all. That itself is worth its weight in gold, so to speak.

4-Weekly Bump Shot

 

And a bonus, a nekkid bump shot - ignore what looks like the lopsided boob thing, it's the way that top is falling I hope! LOL.

 

No Title Needed

I want to put these on before the moment has passed (or more likely, I forget!)

K did some clever fiddling with the colour, saturation, hue or whatever else that technical stuff you do to photos to sharpen them up is called, on the 4d scan pictures and here they are.

Isn't he adorable?! As I type, he's squirming up a storm in my tummy. He no longer really kicks, more pulsates when he kicks a limb out and the rest is squirming under my belly - very Alien'esque and something I have to be honest and say I can't get used to and never could with my own. It's crazy the amount of times this young man has moved so forcefully that I have jumped out of my skin, he likes to make his presence felt! There's certainly no ignoring him, which is annoying when every time I get my phone out to film it for his Daddies, he decides to play statues! One day....although we're fast running out of those!

I Know, I Know!

It has been ages since I last posted but I've been away for a week in Scotland, seeing my mum and gran and then I had no internet connection at home until today.

Anyway, so much has happened so I'll start from the top:

I passed my glucose tolerance test, with flying colours which was expected but it was nice to get the official word - I know now that I'm unlikely to grow a baby the size of a turkey! LOL.

My iron levels have come back OK, which was surprising given how I've been feeling but it appears I have low blood pressure which is probably the cause. I'll take low over high any day obviously.

Baby has consistently been breech, which was confirmed again at our 32 week scan this week. There were mutterings of a c-section but things can still change, as they did with my 3rd child who was also breech at this point, and so it was left until after the next scan in 4 weeks to discuss it any further. Tentative date for a section was the 27th December though - I admit, I got a horrible feeling in my stomach when that was said but actually, a section may not be a bad thing for us all in reality.

We were given an estimated weight at this scan, which was unexpected because as I've mentioned before, my hospital had stopped doing it because it was so wildly inaccurate but they must of updated their technology or simply have more faith nowadays - Boo is around 4lbs currently, expected to be around 8lbs at birth, if he follows an average growth pattern.

Also, we spoke to the head consultant about my GBS concerns. He said that some well-read professors had come up with a standard for hospitals to follow now and basically, it wasn't worth me testing or worrying about it in this pregnancy. I did laugh when he said he didn't think I would get to hospital in time to be given the 4 hours pre-delivery dose of antibiotics anyway. Ha, I love his optimism but I did want to reply 'hey, this ain't my first rodeo, buddy, I know how these things work!'

He advised 6 weeks of post-partum blood thinning injections, given my history and the raised BMI, he thinks it's better to play it safe. I am not looking forward to stabbing myself daily, especially when I know from experience that that drug stings a lot and bruises your skin so easily. Still, keeping well and recovering fully is more important so I'll close my eyes and be a big, brave girl.

The most eye-opening part of the appointment though was when we had a lovely midwife who was interested in our unique situation. We told her we were waiting on a meeting with the hospital team (yes, still...) to discuss care and post-delivery details and she offered to speak to her Matron to see what she could find out.

Shortly after, the head consultant went to also see what he could find out and to chase the process along, which was much appreciated.

Anyway, it doesn't bode well for us to be honest, although my hospital have had plenty of experience with surrogate births, they are not flexible or accommodating it seems. Things like 'well, the mother will be expected to care for the baby or otherwise Social Services will need to get involved' were said, which we all found very upsetting. It wasn't the midwife's fault, she was merely conveying what her boss had said on the phone but to hear that our wishes may not be respected or honoured was very unsettling.

So, where does this leave us? Up in the air is the answer, we have to push my community midwife to set this meeting up. I see her next week and plan to stamp my feet over the delay so far, there really can be no excuse any more. We will know more once the meeting has taken place, hopefully with some persuasion and compromise, we can all reach a plan that we're comfortable with. For now, I'm taking to burying my head in the sand since there is little else I can do at this point. I know that the boys are stressed about it and rightly so, we all thought just getting pregnant was the hardest thing. Ha!

I'm keeping well otherwise, very tired now and breathless but given that his head seems wedged under my diaphragm, that's not surprising. Still battling the dreaded morning sickness but determined to enjoy every moment because the end is fast approaching and I know when it does, I'll miss it although I'm so not ready to give birth!

Photos

A shot from our scan on Friday, not the greatest as I said in my previous post, because he seemed to love hanging out right up against my placenta but still, how cute is he and look at that frowning mouth! It's OK, baby, you've got nothing to be sad about, you've got a fabulous life ahead of you and 2 very impatient Daddies waiting to meet you and who already love you so very much!

And my 29 week bump shot, I actually look smaller for some reason.

Marking A Special Day

Yesterday (15th) was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, it's a day I know others mark and yesterday was no different. My Facebook feed had a few statuses about it and my thoughts immediately went with my friends who've suffered a loss as always but it was not something that has particularly struck me personally. Until today when I realised that actually, I now join that exclusive club, the one that no woman or man wants to be a member of.

It's strange because I have lost a pregnancy, I have lost a baby but I haven't in the way that a lot of women have. No, I've lost something but still have something as precious and special and there's no way to logically tally the two in my mind.

Strangely it did hit me harder than I thought once it sank in that this was one anniversary that would now mean something to me on a deeper and more intimate level.

I know that K & B will now always be my fellow member too, our lives changed that bit more forever.

Of course some will say it's different for us - both because of the situation and how can I have feelings for something that was never mine but also because I am still pregnant and will (god willing) come out the other side with beautiful, much wanted and precious Boo. Nonetheless, we should of come out the other side with two beautiful, much wanted and precious Boos. It just wasn't meant to be, I'm philosophical about that but it doesn't take the sadness away that what could of been, isn't.

And so today, fashionably late, I lit a candle (well OK, a tealight but hey, I have 3 children and candles are a big no no here) for our lost baby and allowed myself a tear or two. After that, I said a little thank you to whoever is up there that we still have this baby and promised myself that I won't forget to mark the right day next year, remembering what should of been.

4D

It was fab to see Boo in all his glory yesterday! Certainly made the 4am start to London worth it and more. A bit of a dodgy journey for me, awful morning sickness and I have to be honest and say I had to stop myself getting off at various stops because I was positive I was going to be sick all over the man who was unlucky enough to be sat opposite me. I bet I looked a lovely shade of green, I'm so over this part of pregnancy.

Anyway, we all made it to London in time and headed to the famous Harley Street for our date seeing Boo on the big screen, K & B were like my bodyguards as we braved the rush hour underground, very sweet.

He looks so cute, even if I do say so myself - great cheekbones, button nose and a big cuddly tummy. I think Daddies are even more in love than they were before, if that's even possible.

Boo is currently breech (not another repeat of my 3rd pregnancy, please!), with a head measuring right on target, legs caught up to normal from our 21 week scan and a large tummy. It's currently measuring at 32 weeks, which is almost 4 weeks ahead of what I currently am. Estimated weight? 3lb 4ozs! We were all shocked about that because he should weigh around 2-2.5lbs at this point but from experience, I know that weight guestimates are pretty inaccurate. Still...I'm a bit apprehensive but will get clarification and some reassurance from my own midwife next week.

The lady doing the scan was really sweet and funny, she had an accent and kept saying things that were cracking us all up - things like 'oooh, big baby, big baby!' Boo was sucking on the umbilical cord, I think he was checking if the input system was broken since I hadn't had any breakfast still at that point! He was snuggled up against my placenta which made getting excellent pictures a bit difficult but we were all thrilled with just being able to see so much detail and the photos were secondary. She checked the gender, all boy still and she switched to 2d so we could see the spine etc. The boys came away with a DVD of the scan and some 4d pictures and an unforgettable experience.

I shouldn't be surprised that Boo was a good weight, I can feel every oz of him lately! I asked K & B if they wanted to have a feel of my bump - I think that's pretty much the first time they have and it was something that I had wanted to bring up but didn't want them to feel uncomfortable or awkward, as it turns out, they wanted to also but didn't want to invade my personal space. K has told me he's up for a good squeeze any time! It's important to me that they feel able to do these things, it's a lovely part of the pregnancy and they shouldn't miss out on a thing just because of our situation.

Hopefully I will have a picture to share in a while and will post it when I do but I wanted to post as soon as I had caught up on some much needed sleep, whilst it was still fresh in my mind.

Always The Way!

My oldest has a sickness bug and it's been going on, on and off, since Monday and I'm paranoid that I'm going to catch it and not be able to make our scan on Friday. I've booked the train tickets, my IFs have taken the day off and the voucher has been used to book it so a lot rides on me and Boo being there. I really want to be there of course but I also really simply don't want to be sick - being vomit phobic and all, I've not slept properly for the last few nights for worrying that it'll reach me.

So, please please think positive-no-sick vibes for me. I've thankfully avoided the last 2 bugs that the children have kindly brought home and so hope that this is my lucky number 3!

Third Trimester, Baby!

At this end of this pregnancy week, we'll be into our 3rd and final trimester! I am so excited, I can't explain what it feels like to have reached this point in my surrogacy journey. I keep smiling to myself when I think of exactly what I'm doing and how close we all are to meeting Boo and to making K & B complete - just absolutely amazing. I'm pretty awesome, even if I say so myself. ;o)

I'm feeling good overall, just the usual things that continue to rumble on but I really don't mind - I so love being pregnant and for such a fantastic and worthwhile reason makes it all the more manageable. It's not all sunshine and roses, when I am awoken every hour to go to the bathroom or I can hardly lift my head off the pillow in the morning but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter that much after all.

The boys have gone away for a week, a last holiday as a couple and to recharge their batteries, both have been working like Trojans to pay for the journey and all the expense that having a baby brings. They've done themselves proud and they certainly deserve their break away. And it's their wedding anniversary coming up - see boys, I notice these things - pregnancy brain didn't steal that one!

Next week, we're all heading to London to have a private 4D scan - at a Harley Street clinic no less! Bit of a trek and I'm not relishing having to negotiate 2 trains, one being the underground but it'll be worth it to see Boo after 7 weeks and see how much he's grown. I wonder what the clinic will make of us and our situation but I'm used to the open mouths and usual questions though, I almost enjoy watching how people react and explaining what we're doing and I seem to have yet to experience any personal negativity really which is nice.

It is funny how people ask the same questions and say the same things though:

'What does your husband think about it? Is he OK?
'How can you hand a baby over?'
'That's amazing, I could never do it!'
'Are they friends of yours?'
'You're amazing/an angel/so selfless'
'Don't you feel anything towards the baby?'
'Are you going to stay in touch afterwards?'

Also next week, I have my glucose tolerance test, I know I will pass because my husband has diabetes so I use his blood sugar monitor from time to time to keep an eye on my levels and they've been perfect every time. Not sure how I'll feel drinking 500mls of pure sugar at 10am and on an empty stomach, especially with my nausea but it's a one off and will be worth doing to get the official all-clear. It also helps my possible home birth plans because it rules out, to some extent, having an overly large baby.

I expect to also have the whooping cough vaccination at my next midwife appointment the following week. There is an outbreak here and the health agency have advised all pregnant women 28-32 weeks have it, more to protect the newborn as there seems to be an issue with newborns catching it before they have a chance to have their first whopping cough vaccination. I have never had a problem with vaccinations, for myself or my own children but it's really up to my IPs because it will affect (albeit in a good way) their child but I do see it as an extension of my 'job' as a surrogate, to keep the baby safe and well.

If you're UK based and reading this and don't know what the advice is, read here:

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/Pages/whooping-cough-vaccination-pregnant.aspx

My children are growing more curious and excited about the baby too - my oldest likes to put his hand on my tummy and see if he can feel Boo move and my middle child asks when the baby is going to be born quite often now. They ask how big Boo is currently and how he's developing each week, it's very sweet and I'm so pleased that they've not shown any negativity towards me being pregnant for someone else. I hope that it continues that way because they have always been my main concern throughout the surrogacy journey.

I was going to talk about the bitchy and negative vibe lately on surrogacy boards across the internet, mainly FB but not exclusively, but then I figured that actually since deleting myself from every board and being selective about who I'm friends with from the scene, I don't really care so much! Something to be said about keeping myself to myself - I don't need to be dealing with people who really have no place to talk and no place to be making surrogacy look anything other than a fantastic thing, by their actions. Who knew that being a grown up and making a special baby didn't require maturity or morals for some? I canNOT stand stupid at the best of times but it seems even less so currently or maybe it really is more prevelant than ever?

On that rather vague note, I'll sign off here but will be back next week to update on the 2 appointments and hopefully with pictures!

Changes, Bumps and Pee Sticks

It really has been forever since I updated but life has just been one whirlwind - so much has changed here, I've just been non-stop.

We moved house last week, now that was no fun at over 6 months pregnant but it was necessary and we're all so much happier in our bigger home. The kids have a garden and we can all just move, it's lovely.

My mum, who moved to Scotland ahead of our move next year, with my gran, have both settled in well. I do miss them both but we're all having fun using Skype - including my 95 year old grandmother which is so cool. Looking forward to visiting them at the end of next month but not to flying and having a 3 hour drive once we get there!

Also, my youngest has begun big school. *sniff* He is doing fine, tired which is to be expected but enjoying himself. He's only on half-days until mid-October and alternating between mornings one week and afternoons the next, which means I'm up and down to the school several times a day with 1 child or 3 but it's keeping me busy and at least makes the weeks go that bit quicker.

Finally and most importantly (well to this blog), baby is great. I'm now 25 weeks and am doing well, still forever plagued by morning sickness and extreme tiredness but loving being pregnant and finding myself thinking forward to delivery day and the look on K & B's faces more and more! Still can't quite believe this is happening to me (or them) and making sure I enjoy every moment - good or bad. How lucky am I to be in such a privileged position?!

Here's my 4-weekly bump picture, I'm definitely feeling as big as I look:

I had my routine hospital antenatal appointment a couple of days ago. All is fine from their point of view, blood tests on my liver are fine and they saw no need to make me have the liver ultrasound that had been talked about before. Apart from the fact that I'm technically fat, and old, they are happy to just keep an eye on my blood pressure via the community midwife and not see me again now until a growth scan at 32 weeks.

Baby was centre stage again today, when I had my community midwife appointment. I was really pleased that due to annual leave, I saw the midwife I had with my own 3 children and she is a lovely lady - down to earth but really makes you laugh and feel important. All was fine, most the checks weren't done today since I had them done the day before at the hospital and it was more about ticking boxes - such as flu vaccination, my maternity certificate and booking my glucose tolerance test. I also broached the subject of a home birth - I knew her reaction before uttering the words but she also knows that I'm not stupid and wouldn't make any rash or unwise decisions. At this stage, it's merely an idea.

Her only real concerns were my BMI, the fact that this may mean I have a big baby but it's never happened before at least and the blood pressure concerns. She said that really it was a discussion I needed to have with my hospital but to expect them to be resistant to the idea too. I certainly will discuss it with them at the next appointment at the beginning of November, I think it's pretty stupid that they want to make care and delivery as difficult as possible, because of our unique situation, and yet me giving them an alternative will be met with equal scorn! Oh well, we'll play it by ear I guess.

Talking of which, we still haven't had a meeting with the hospital about their thoughts and concerns and our plan of action. The hospital doctor said it was the community midwife who should chase it, the community midwife said that it was in the system and to just wait. I will make a point when I have my GTT done, to ask our usual midwife to see what's happening. Given that I will be in the 3rd trimester next week and baby is now medically viable, I would really like to have things in place in case labour happens when we all are least expecting it.

So everything is moving along nicely, baby is more than making up for the late start in movements and giving me a good kicking all day long! I really want K& B to feel it, hoping it won't be long - they would be able to now but it would involve me lying down and I'm not sure the local coffee place that we usually frequent on a visit would approve of me whipping my tummy out and 2 gay men touching it, over a vanilla latte and a lemon tart! LOL.

I think I may be losing the plot slightly though, I had this insane urge to POAS when I walked past the HPT aisle in our local supermarket and when I saw them priced at a mere £3.50, I grabbed a pack. I really wanted to test the idea of the 'hook effect' theory out where pregnancy tests are concerned. Now, for those of you who don't know what pirates have to do with peeing on a stick - here:

'The "hook effect" can happen when the HCG level exceeds 1 000 000 IU/L, causing pregancy tests to come out as a false-negative.'

I can officially tell you, well for me at least, it's false. Here's my result at 25 weeks pregnant:

OK, so perhaps that was actually all just a convenient excuse to feed my test addiction but interesting result nonetheless and I've duly done my bit for science. Well Wikipedia anyway! You're all welcome. :o)

Miserable

I'm exhausted, the first trimester kind of exhausted, the walking through treacle type and it's making me miserable.

I know it's the last few days of a very long 7 week school holiday for the children and my husband has been off just 7 days during that time, which probably explains a lot of the tiredness but it's grinding me down and making me feel like an awful mother. I wake up, force myself out of bed and then within half an hour after breakfast I'm laid back down again and there I stay, alternating between zoning out and dozing if I get the chance. I go through the motions and make lunch and dinner, tidy up, put washing on, put activities out for the kids and so on but it's just the basics and I have to push myself to do even that.

Now, obviously there are days where going out is necessary, there's no way my lively children could be cooped up day in and day out but those days it is a struggle to find the energy to walk - all I am thinking about is where I can next sit down or when we can go home so I can lie down again. I have to snap out of it somehow, I honestly don't think I'm anaemic because I suffer chronic anaemia and I know what my symptoms are and they don't match this time so I'm left with the conclusion that it's just pregnancy related.

I'm so glad that I have a holiday in the planning stage for once I'm no longer baking a baby, my children most certainly deserve it and more, for putting up with grumpy mummy but it doesn't seem enough and doesn't make me feel better about the way I've been with them lately. This is the side of surrogacy that some people don't consider.

Anyway, in other news, my mum and gran left for Scotland this past week and although I felt not too bad when the big day came, it's the little things that remind me they are no longer next door and makes the sadness creep in.

I realise that I never said that we weren't officially going to Scotland so I apologise that some people have been surprised to see I'm still here but it was undecided until the last minute really - combination of the baby, my mum's house build being delayed by a month and my husband's job being too uncertain for my liking. All those combined led us to the difficult but sensible decision to postpone our move for a year but of course my mum and gran continued with theirs.

Also this week, I've given more thought to birth matters. It's just a huge decision and one that I'm not sure I can decide on my own. K & B have always said they will support me 100% in where I want to give birth and trust me not to risk my own or their son's safety when making a decision. I think in my next post, I may weigh up the pros and cons of each. Worst thing, especially for someone who likes to know in advance, is that I could agonise over this decision for weeks or months and yet it could all change in a moment and be thrown out the window! Babies eh? Who'd have 'em......

Perfect

Scan was perfect! We had the same lovely sonographer that we had at our 12 week scan and she was very thorough and talked us through each step and body part. The worrying kidney dilation has resolved or at least isn't a concern now which was a relief to hear.

Boo put on quite a show for his daddies, nibbling on his foot, scratching his ear and generally making him presence known for his big day on tv!

Very pleased to update with the news that K did make today in the end and it was fantastic for them both to see first-hand just how detailed and reassuring the anomaly scan is - definitely worth skipping a day at work, K said and something that B couldn't of gone back and accurately described to him. They both went home grinning from ear to ear and buzzing, it was a fabulous day for us all.

Big Scan Tomorrow!

And of course I'm nervous, it just feels like at every scan we've had something crop up and so I am hoping this one is different and it all goes smoothly.

I'm feeling pretty good overall, 21 weeks now! I've had some instances of horrendous morning sickness and had to rely on my tablets to get me through the day but at least it's not every day unlike before. I'm feeling tired but that's not particularly changed so I'm used to getting on with it and my tummy is definitely expanding - this is the view when I look down...

I go from feeling huge sometimes and then the next day, my tummy seems almost flat and I think it's crazy how I'm 5 months pregnant - he has obviously found a flattering hide-out in there to use sometimes!

Still not feeling definite movements, I do feel flutters sometimes but it's not consistent. Having the trusty doppler means I'm not panicked but I had expected to be feeling more by this stage, perhaps it's just to do with where my placenta is lying - which we will find out tomorrow.

Only B can make the scan tomorrow, obviously sad that K won't be there too but he has to work and I know it wasn't an easy decision but he'll get the full run down as soon as we're finished up with the scan.

So, looking forward to another milestone, after that will be the routine hospital antenatal appointment at the beginning of September - shortly after the kids go back to school! It's been a lonnnng summer.

Future Thoughts

Feeling a bit lonely and sorry for myself lately, probably not pregnancy related in entirety but I'm sure that's a part of it - darn hormones!

I had the urge to call K & B last night and normally I would of but for some reason I was afraid I would just cry, and whine, and probably cry some more so I didn't and I'm sure they're glad of that. LOL.

It's too hot here, I'm definitely slowing down as my body and the baby grow and the children are on their summer break so I'm doubly as worn out. I definitely feel pregnancy more now than when I had my own 3, amazing how 5 years can make a lot of difference. I especially felt old when I asked on a surrogacy board how old the other surrogate members were and I was not far off being the oldest!

Talking about questions on this particular surrogacy board, there was one asking how many surrogate babies the surrogates had had and if they would have more. I've always said I would do it the once, maybe twice but because it took me so freaking long to achieve this one, I guess my mind had always said I'd be happy if it ever happened and wouldn't tempt fate to try a second time and put myself or my family through the hell of ttc but now I know that I can get pregnant and I have this amazing affirmation that I can, I want to do it again! Also, my husband who had been against me doing it again suddenly a month or so ago said that he would be fine with me doing another journey, so that's thrown me into indecision.

I think I will try again, I only have a certain amount of Clomid I could take now so that would influence trying again and whether I would find IPs interested in someone who takes time to get pregnant but I wouldn't like to discount a 2nd journey as things currently stand.

Ideally, I thought I would like to have a baby for a different couple and then try a sibling project (be that with K & B or the 2nd couple) but that's dependent on a hell of a lot of things that are out of my control so not something I can plan.

I wonder how K & B would feel about me ttc for a different couple, after all, any child would related to their child which must be a strange concept! I guess all in good time, it's something to discuss and consider in the far future - let's get Boo safely baked and into his Daddies arms first!

Hospital Appointment Today

I was expecting a run-of-the-mill quick appointment but came out with an action plan as long as anything and extra appointments and tests!

Now, let me say that all 3 of my previous pregnancies have been run of the mill, apart from some high blood pressure at the very end of my last one. Apparently though this pregnancy is treated like my first, because it's with a new partner so new genetics and that can create different problems. OK, I get that but I'm not sure I want to be treated like I might break before there are even any indications that this will be anything other than a smooth and easy pregnancy and delivery. I've never been one that likes to be treated with kid gloves.

So, there are 3 main concerns:

1. My weight. Yes, my BMI is high but anyone with any sense knows that the BMI scale isn't accurate and really is just a tool to help, rather than diagnose. I actually asked for a dietitian referral today, it's sensible to get a grip on my weight during pregnancy - not only so I don't gain too much but to help prevent concern number 2 rearing its head. I have a Glucose Tolerance Test at 28 weeks, which I have had all 3 pregnancies and passed and 2 extra growth scans at 32 and 36 weeks.

2. Previous high blood pressure. I did not have pre-eclampsia last time, I just had high BP which I think was situational. I will need my BP measured every 4 weeks from now on - the clinic want me to go there but I'm hoping that my midwife can do it instead.

3. My elevated liver function tests. This has been an issue for me since 2002. No GP has ever seemed concerned or asked for further testing. The doctor today has really got her teeth into this in particular and has ordered me a liver ultrasound, I had bloods taken today and I may need referring to a heptologist. It's all OTT and not necessary in my opinion.

And the things that I thought were bigger concerns, the doctor brushed off. For example, I had a scare in my last pregnancy, where they thought I had a pulmonary embolism (blood clot on the lung) and was in hospital for 3 days and treated with blood thinners but because by the time I had the specialist lung scan, no clot was seen, (the thinners could of dissolved it by that point), it was unconfirmed but diagnosed with high suspicion that that was what it was. Well, the doctor struck that off as a concern which I'm obviously thankful for but it surprised me.

Also, the whole Group B Strep thing that I think I mentioned before on my blog? Basically, first child, was + but it wasn't detected until after he was born so too late for antibiotics, 2nd I was treated as if I was + and given antibiotics 4 hours before her birth and the last, I was supposed to be treated again as if I had it but delivery suite disagreed and said protocol now advised against preventative antibiotics but it turns out they were wrong and when my son spiked a fever at a few days old - he was rushed into hospital and had to have all sorts of horrific tests to rule out GBS but thankfully, it turned out to be a viral thing, it marred those first few precious days with my baby though. But there was no mention today of any of that. Perhaps it's just too early to discuss the issue at this stage?

All in all, a very detailed appointment, I just hope that they don't start creating huge concerns where there isn't any need. I appreciate their concern and care naturally but not to the detriment of having choices in my own antenatal care.

There was a fun moment where the doctor looked at my husband and asked if 'the father has any questions?' to which my husband looked up, laughed and said 'oh no, I'm not the dad to this one!' and then I had to explain. The doctor suddenly sat back down and started asking more detailed questions!

She said 'well, it's one thing taking risks for your own child but another if you're risking yourself and your baby for someone else' and finished with 'us obstetricians get feelings in our waters about how these things go and so we will be sticking to this plan completely'.  That didn't fill me with confidence, that she was forseeing problems...I know they are covering their backs but still.

So as it stands, big scan at 21 weeks, hospital clinic at 24 weeks, midwife at 25 weeks, midwife for GTT at 28 weeks, hospital and growth scan at 32 weeks, hospital and growth scan at 36 weeks. And I already know that my midwife will begin doing my blood pressure every 2 weeks once I hit about 32 weeks. Yes, I'll definitely be well looked after but hopefully all will happen without any worries or concerns being found.

Throw in there too that we also have a big meeting with the hospital team to discuss our unique situation at some point in the 2nd trimester - that I am actually looking forward to because there is a lot to discuss and get written down and it'll be nice to know that our wishes are going to be respected and that the hospital can feel comfortable with our arrangements too.

I cannot believe I'm almost half-way through, it is just amazing that it's going so quick and I hope it continues because I'm so super impatient as you probably already know - you'd think after waiting 11 cycles to get pregnant, 9 months would be a breeze!

Niggles

Recently on a surrogacy board I'm a member of, a surrogate had a horrible experience after the birth the baby. Her once supportive IPs turned into insensitive asses who abandoned her post-natally, who changed their agreed birth plan/contract and even went as far as to have her moved away from their adjoining rooms, to the other end of the ward. WTF springs to mind! Who the hell do those IPs think they are to discard someone who has given them the precious gift of life. Makes my blood boil!

I hear more and more horror stories (on both sides) and honestly, it scares me because post-natally is the period where a surrogate is most fragile and IPs are the most self-absorbed, for obvious reasons and the two can create a clash - intentional or otherwise.

I know for me, I'm going to need some praise and support once the baby is given to its parents, not to the detriment of the IPs missing out on those important first moments and bonding time with their child but just not to be forgotten about immediately.  I don't want balloons and champagne but just the attention and gratitude that I think all surrogates deserve.

Thankfully my husband will be a great emotional and mental support for me, we've discussed already that post-birth is not the time for his usually humorous smart remarks or witty snipes! But I need to feel the love and appreciation from my IPs too, after all, making them happy and complete was one of my biggest motivators to keep going and get that BFP - negative cycle after negative cycle. Seeing their grateful faces, so full of love for something I helped to create, is my goal.

Also, we'll only be together for a short period of time once the baby is born. Naturally I will be discharged and the baby too and we will go our separate ways. Dependent on my moving situation, K & B may stay local for a few days or may not - actually, that's not something we have discussed at this point but regardless, we will all go our separate ways and so those few hours/day or so are going to shape how I deal with the emotional side of handing the child I've carried and cared for, for the past 9 months and I want it to be as perfect an end as possible.

It's little worries such as this that niggle away at me a bit and with each experience I read, where the ending was less than ideal (and more importantly, the surrogate didn't even see it coming), they grow a bit bigger.

Big Gender Scan!

Scan day was great, made first off by K & B actually making the scan because they were worried they wouldn't. With London traffic and the extra Olympic traffic added in, it was touch and go but they made it with 15 minutes to spare. Phew.

My oldest son came with me to the appointment because he wanted to see K & B first and foremost and then seeing the baby was an added bonus!

The tech was lovely and very accommodating when me and 3 others followed me into the scan room - strangely enough, she didn't ask any questions as to why I was being accompanied by 2 men but maybe she sees it every day or just didn't care.

Boo made it worth the trek to Wales and didn't disappoint in giving us lots of views and not making it awkward this appointment! We got to peek in 4D and it was fantastic, we saw Boo's beautiful button nose and the tech made us all laugh when she said that it looked like a skinned rabbit - it totally did! We had all been apprehensive at how strange a 17 week fetus might look but we needn't of been because it was simply amazing.

We got lots of pictures, a foot, one in 4D, a full face-on one and of course the reason we went, the gender too!

And.....

We have team BLUE! Yes, Boo is all boy! To say we were all gobsmacked would be an understatement, no-one thought it would be a he. The boys are over the moon at having a son and it was another fantastic moment that we all shared - another milestone.

The tech did however see that one of Boo's kidneys was dilated - it was 4mm which is the cut off for normal but she kindly explained that it was actually pretty common in baby boys for some reasons and that is usually just meant that if it was still a problem at delivery then the baby would receive antibiotics to kill any infection.

Upon Googling when I got home (naturally), it is a condition called RPD and it appears that it could resolve itself at any stage, it could be simply because their was urine stored, essentially baby needed a wee, and so at the next scan it will be normal. Or it could be a problem that continues and causes reflux of urine and require further treatment. The tech said to just mention it at our anomaly scan and so they can check it once again. She was lovely though and very reassuring which was much appreciated.

Obviously we are all a little worried but hoping that we will get the all-clear at the scan at the end of August and so putting it to the back of our minds. Boo is still keeping us on our toes! Cheeky monkey.

Next was the midwife so it was a race back across the Severn to Bristol. That appointment was very routine, blood pressure fine,tummy measures correct for my dates but I still have a UTI. Grrrr. And that was that, we're booked in for another appointment with her in September because I will have extra appointments to keep an eye on my blood pressure.

K, B, myself and my oldest just had time to squeeze in a coffee and cake date and then it was time for us all to go our separate ways  for another 4 weeks - the big ultrasound!! A great day with lots of highs, so pleased that the guys decided to have this extra scan, it was definitely worth the money.