Niggles

Recently on a surrogacy board I'm a member of, a surrogate had a horrible experience after the birth the baby. Her once supportive IPs turned into insensitive asses who abandoned her post-natally, who changed their agreed birth plan/contract and even went as far as to have her moved away from their adjoining rooms, to the other end of the ward. WTF springs to mind! Who the hell do those IPs think they are to discard someone who has given them the precious gift of life. Makes my blood boil!

I hear more and more horror stories (on both sides) and honestly, it scares me because post-natally is the period where a surrogate is most fragile and IPs are the most self-absorbed, for obvious reasons and the two can create a clash - intentional or otherwise.

I know for me, I'm going to need some praise and support once the baby is given to its parents, not to the detriment of the IPs missing out on those important first moments and bonding time with their child but just not to be forgotten about immediately.  I don't want balloons and champagne but just the attention and gratitude that I think all surrogates deserve.

Thankfully my husband will be a great emotional and mental support for me, we've discussed already that post-birth is not the time for his usually humorous smart remarks or witty snipes! But I need to feel the love and appreciation from my IPs too, after all, making them happy and complete was one of my biggest motivators to keep going and get that BFP - negative cycle after negative cycle. Seeing their grateful faces, so full of love for something I helped to create, is my goal.

Also, we'll only be together for a short period of time once the baby is born. Naturally I will be discharged and the baby too and we will go our separate ways. Dependent on my moving situation, K & B may stay local for a few days or may not - actually, that's not something we have discussed at this point but regardless, we will all go our separate ways and so those few hours/day or so are going to shape how I deal with the emotional side of handing the child I've carried and cared for, for the past 9 months and I want it to be as perfect an end as possible.

It's little worries such as this that niggle away at me a bit and with each experience I read, where the ending was less than ideal (and more importantly, the surrogate didn't even see it coming), they grow a bit bigger.

Big Gender Scan!

Scan day was great, made first off by K & B actually making the scan because they were worried they wouldn't. With London traffic and the extra Olympic traffic added in, it was touch and go but they made it with 15 minutes to spare. Phew.

My oldest son came with me to the appointment because he wanted to see K & B first and foremost and then seeing the baby was an added bonus!

The tech was lovely and very accommodating when me and 3 others followed me into the scan room - strangely enough, she didn't ask any questions as to why I was being accompanied by 2 men but maybe she sees it every day or just didn't care.

Boo made it worth the trek to Wales and didn't disappoint in giving us lots of views and not making it awkward this appointment! We got to peek in 4D and it was fantastic, we saw Boo's beautiful button nose and the tech made us all laugh when she said that it looked like a skinned rabbit - it totally did! We had all been apprehensive at how strange a 17 week fetus might look but we needn't of been because it was simply amazing.

We got lots of pictures, a foot, one in 4D, a full face-on one and of course the reason we went, the gender too!

And.....

We have team BLUE! Yes, Boo is all boy! To say we were all gobsmacked would be an understatement, no-one thought it would be a he. The boys are over the moon at having a son and it was another fantastic moment that we all shared - another milestone.

The tech did however see that one of Boo's kidneys was dilated - it was 4mm which is the cut off for normal but she kindly explained that it was actually pretty common in baby boys for some reasons and that is usually just meant that if it was still a problem at delivery then the baby would receive antibiotics to kill any infection.

Upon Googling when I got home (naturally), it is a condition called RPD and it appears that it could resolve itself at any stage, it could be simply because their was urine stored, essentially baby needed a wee, and so at the next scan it will be normal. Or it could be a problem that continues and causes reflux of urine and require further treatment. The tech said to just mention it at our anomaly scan and so they can check it once again. She was lovely though and very reassuring which was much appreciated.

Obviously we are all a little worried but hoping that we will get the all-clear at the scan at the end of August and so putting it to the back of our minds. Boo is still keeping us on our toes! Cheeky monkey.

Next was the midwife so it was a race back across the Severn to Bristol. That appointment was very routine, blood pressure fine,tummy measures correct for my dates but I still have a UTI. Grrrr. And that was that, we're booked in for another appointment with her in September because I will have extra appointments to keep an eye on my blood pressure.

K, B, myself and my oldest just had time to squeeze in a coffee and cake date and then it was time for us all to go our separate ways  for another 4 weeks - the big ultrasound!! A great day with lots of highs, so pleased that the guys decided to have this extra scan, it was definitely worth the money.

16+6

I'm growing well although I wake up in the morning and my tummy is much flatter which is weird to see.

Nausea settling down for now (touches the nearest bit of wood) which is much appreciated. Boo is however definitely making their presence felt by making me have to get up to pee several times a night which is not so appreciated but means that he/she is growing in there.

I did have some cramping, backache and a tiny and I mean minute (no panicking, Mr W!), bit of spotting today but I think I overdid the cleaning marathon and combined with the 28c heatwave we have here in England at the moment, it was all just a bit too much so I took it easy and went for a swim instead and all is fine this evening.

I'm finding more people noticing I'm pregnant and me having to tell a lot more which is still nerve-wracking as you just never know how they'll take it but I've had nothing but positivity thankfully. I still find it odd how people are so amazed at what I'm doing or tell me I'm wonderful, still not comfortable with it as I don't think I'm anything special - just someone using what mother nature gave me to some good use.

I still cannot believe this is really happening to me by the way, I'm so proud and happy that I don't mind telling the world really!

We have our next midwife appt on Thursday, which I'm apprehensive about given what's happened with her since my booking in appointment many weeks ago but I'm going in with an open mind and just getting it over and done with. K thinks she'll be accompanied, so she can't put her ignorant foot in her mouth any more.

Also, we scheduled a private ultrasound for the morning because it seems ages since we've seen Boo and it means the guys can get a sneak peak at the gender hopefully! Very exciting. I'm also very pleased to see both K & B again, I haven't seen K in 5 weeks and B in 7 - that seems like an eternity when for 11 cycles, we saw one another every 3-4 weeks!

Next appt up after that is with the hospital where I will deliver. Definitely not looking forward to that either since they've made it clear that they have a set policy and will not accommodate any deviation. Also, from my other pregnancies, I know that it's pot luck which doctor you see on the day and most of them have very set opinions on antenatal care and delivery - I don't do well being told what to do so that'll be interesting. I just hope my fragile hormones hold up, if I cry I will be furious with myself.

A busy few weeks coming up and it's the school summer holidays here too so with 3 children home, being pregnant and a husband who works a lot of hours and nights at that, I'm probably best avoided for the next 6 weeks. You've been warned! ;o)

I Surrendered!

I gave in and saw my GP today about the never-ending sickness, after spending much of a school trip yesterday hugging the sick bucket that was meant for the children, I figured I'd reached my lowest point!

So the doctor dipped my urine as a standard test and very surprisingly, I have a bad UTI - which may explain my awful sickness somewhat. I have no symptoms of said UTI though, which is a blessing obviously because the last thing I needed was to feel any worse.

She prescribed some antibiotics and some anti-sickness pills and so I'm hopeful from one or the other, we'll soon be on top of this and I can start feeling better.

Today, I've also had some general backache and low tummy pains, not concerned, think it's from that other lovely but very common pregnancy ailment. Yuck.

Feeling tired and emotional today, that's real-life stuff though and pregnancy hormones are just magnifying it all. Start of the school summer holidays here though - hurrah. And yes, you did detect sarcasm there. I love my children with my entire being but 7 weeks of them being home makes me want to run away fast! I got on Google this evening and have booked a lot of trips out already for us all, with more free ones in between to do ad-hoc so I think (hope!) we'll all survive unscathed.

Oh and I also told my placement class at school that I'm pregnant and they were so pleased judging by the look on their faces but this one boy looked absolutely horrified! LOL. Very sweet when I was saying goodbye to them all and one little boy walked past, waved at my tummy and said 'bye bye baby!' Awww.

Just Thinking Things Over

I desperately want to talk to other traditional surrogates about the nitty gritty of a surrogacy journey. I'm on a couple of Facebook groups but I don't feel comfortable talking about some things and the other surrogacy sites I've seen are American ones and again, I just don't get the vibe that I could talk about certain things on there either.

I guess I could talk about it here then but there is the matter of my IFs having access here and how things I say may be perceived but you know what, I think that we know each other well enough to feel comfortable with reading almost anything about each other.

Basically, I wonder if I will always continue without feelings for this life I'm carrying inside of me. It's probably the one question most surrogates get asked 'how can you hand over a baby/.' and 'I would get too attatched'. It's a strange feeling to feel nothing, no maternal bond or connection and whilst I like it this way, I do wonder if it will last the entire pregnancy - I hope so, the thought of forming any sort of relationship scares me.

From what little I have read where other ts' have opened up, some go through a transient period of thinking of the 'what ifs' but it doesn't appear to last for most. I certainly have no desire to keep a baby conceived with a man I am not in a relationship with and don't love but the mind can make people do crazy things.

I've spent so many years preparing for this moment - being pregnant, that I think it's helped me now it's become a reality. I just think it's my time, I'm ready emotionally and mentally and that's why it all feels easy to me. It also helps that I'm not allowing myself to think about the baby growing inside of me, I don't know who's baby it is, I don't know what gender it is, I don't know what it looks like and I like that. Obviously we will find out the gender and we will see more facial features through scans as the pregnancy goes on but it's easier at this stage - it's just a nameless, faceless and basically anonymous entity.

I know once I see K & B holding their baby, all my fears will disappear - after all, I've imagined that moment for so long now, that's been my goal, I'll be crossing the finishing line finally! It is just the long road to getting there and all I've got to go through en route that makes me a little apprehensive. This is unknown territory. I would love to read more from others who've been through the same and what feelings they've experienced and how they've dealt with the emotions of the journey.

K showed me a photo of some of the baby bits that they have got so far, it made me smile, I love that they are getting to experience this and that they are preparing for their baby and I can take some credit for that milestone - I'm doing something pretty awesome, even if I say so myself.

I also wanted to discuss how it feels to essentially be alone and pregnant. I never expected or wanted anyone to hold my hand, after all I've done this 3 times already and there's nothing scary or unexpected at this stage of pregnancy but when you're having a baby for others, obviously you are alone for much of the pregnancy and when it's a rough pregnancy, you feel it a bit more I think.

Don't get me wrong, K & B text me often and they are only at the end of the phone and honestly, there's not much they could do even if they lived just around the corner but when the sickness is pummelling me (which, btw, is happening daily still) and they aren't here to help in any way, it can feel pretty lonely being the pregnant one of the trio. I do sometimes feel a bit of resentment that my life is totally turned upside down, whilst theirs is essentially the same. It is difficult sometimes to be the one suffering and it's not even for yourself. Still, I knew this when I embarked on my surrogacy journey, I just look forward to the blooming stage of this pregnancy - where I can enjoy it and balance that with getting back to some sense of normal life around here.

Had yet more trouble with our midwife, who seems to know nothing about surrogacy which is fine - many don't but don't spout utter nonsense at me, that only serves to confuse and upset! Research, ask others, read up, it's not rocket science. This time it was all to do with when handing over baby at the hospital and the rights K & B can expect in the hosptial. Honestly, I'm dreading seeing her next week and if the hospital are as strict and awkward as she's making them out to be, I'm going to be falling out with the consultant whom I'm due to see in August too. Why must they make waves and create obstacles at what is a happy time for us all? If it were with reason or purpose, I could perhaps understand but it seems it's just about ticking boxes and treating us as somehow different to any other couple having a baby. Home birth anyone?!

Gah, I'm babbling and probably not making too much sense - I admit to being tired tonight and feeling rough yet again and I'm definitely hormonal so not a good mix! I'll stop here...

Boo At 14w+6d

Excuse the heavy breathing - the microphone on my phone is so sensitive, I swear I was just breathing normally.

And excuse the wobbling hand, not easy to keep contact with Boo, hold the monitor and record it!

Very sweet to hear she/he is doing OK in there though.

So, 15 weeks now and still feeling sick every day, this is getting pretty old and I wonder when it will ever go. This has got to be a flipping girl, I will bet on it and thankfully it won't be too long until we find out - the next big milestone!

The Gloves Are Off....And The Bands Are On!

My morning sickness has just gone off the scale these past few days, I feel like I'm going to be sick all day and even during the night, it's absolutely horrendous. And me being vomit phobic is not helping.

So, I've broken the big guns out - I've got the accupressure bands on, the peppermint oil to sniff and I gave in and took some anti-nausea tablets today but I didn't have much choice because I still need to function, I still have a life to lead and when I'm feeling this dreadful, it's becoming almost impossible. Even with the tablets, I still feel nauseous but it's about a 6 out of 10, which is a level I can just about deal with.I think I've just got very unlucky to be suffering worse in the 2nd trimester, instead of the 1st - this started bad at nearly 12 weeks and has just carried on and on. I'm definitely looking forward to feeling better very soon!

I also took my first 'for public viewing' bump picture tonight. Now, I'm large to begin with so my bump is never going to look like those you see from skinny women - you know the ones, where they look like they've swallowed an M&M and that's a bit depressing sometimes to be honest. No, I'm definitely a real woman, with real curves and the 3-pregnancy marks to prove it! But, getting bigger is part of the journey and I want to document that just as much as I've blogged about the journey so far so look away now if you're eating - LOL....

Excuse the manhandling of boobs going on in the last one but it's difficult to get them contained!

Looking forward to getting a proper bump and not just looking like I have a severe case of PMT swelling.

Also this past week, I purchased a doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat. This was for my comfort as much as K & B's and I wanted to give them some reassurance and a nice memory, during these few weeks where we have no check-ups and are just left drifting along on our own. It will also serve well throughout the pregnancy because if I don't think I've felt enough movement then having a quick listen will reassure us all somewhat.

Anyway, I decided to record the heartbeat on the monitor and send it to K and B but it was tricky to say the least! Baby Boo was tricky to locate in the first place and I had the children running in and out and playing which was distracting and meant I had to keep starting and stopping the recording and then when I started again, the baby had moved and I had to chase it down all over again! It was all OK in the end though and I got a short recording done for them, they were thrilled with the surprise e-mail they received containing it!

Only other news is that I had some drama over my recent blood tests again last week but it was all cleared up in the end, I'm not a thalassemia carrier, which I said all along and I do have slightly low HB but my ferritin (which is usually awful) is at its highest since 2002 so I don't need to take the dreaded iron tablets and that's that off my mind, thankfully.

That's pretty much all I've got to post about, 17 days until we see the midwife and I'm hoping my big 20 week scan appointment will come through soon too - very excited about that one, I keep seeing a cute little outfit that I would like to buy as a gift for the baby but have to wait until we know which colour it is. Secretly, I'm pretty sure it's a girl and most other people seem to agree so it'll definitely be fun to know if my intuition is right!