It's Weird

New things are thrown up to consider with each step of the surrogacy journey the further you get into it which is natural considering it's a learning curve for most. You simply can't and don't think of all the what if's from the start.

I know of several IPs who have been working with a surrogate who suddenly calls a halt to their agreement. It always seems to be around the 3 insemination mark. I assume it's probably because at that point, the surrogate realises that this was never going to be a quick thing, a done deal in the first couple of months and that it can actually take a year or more to hit the pregnancy jackpot.

Just imagine how frustrating it is when you're ttc your own child and your period comes. With surrogacy, you've that extra crushing feeling of disappointment when she rains on your proverbial parade and that's tough.

Little things like seeing my IM update her Facebook to reflect that it hadn't worked this month and all her friends who were watching things with excitement for us, comfort her or taking her 2ww ticker down from the board we both post on, they all sting me a little if I'm honest. Like another helping of guilt is heaped on. Obviously it's not anyone's intention for me to feel like that but that's how it feels none the less.

Honestly, I don't feel as down as this post might appear. My IM was a sweetheart as usual about things, making me laugh when I most needed it and is as optimistic as always. We're both already gearing up for cycle 2, I'm in this until the end - whether that's short or long haul.

It's A Bust

AF is here.

A 27 day cycle, with an 11 day LP, in the end.

Bah. And she arrived just in time to spoil my 5 day kid-free holiday starting on Monday.

Duh!

I have a realised a huge miscalculation on my part, I was confused over the years because I had always thought I got a very very faint positive pregnancy test with my 3rd child, on 11 dpo. It appears I got it 13 DPO.

I had to e-mail my IM and felt like a total fool. I hope she's feeling forgiving tonight as the wait has now gotten longer. I'm sure she'll be ok.

I'm such an idiot, I swear I'm not a novice at this TTC lark, honest!

No News

More negative results.

I'm cycle day 27 (CD27) and at 11 days past ovulation (11DPO).

I know from my OPK's that I did appear to ovulate on CD16 and so as you can see, it is very early for me to say that my negative results so far are true at this stage.

Plenty of time yet. This won't go on forever and we'll know one way or another very soon.

IPs and I are quite calm - them more than me if I'm honest. It'll be great (more like fantastic!) if we get a positive but it'll still be great if my period arrives because it means we are onto a fresh cycle and with a fresh cycle, brings fresh hope.

BFN

I caved and took a HPT this morning, it was negative.

There are a number of reasons why it's entirely possible it's a false negative but at the risk of spending a few seconds listing them and she still arrives on time tomorrow, I won't bother.

My IPs are feeling the pressure. IM said she burst into tears driving yesterday, planning out either a + or - ending to this cycle in her head.

I e-mailed her the result of the test, I know her heart will sink but we'll pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and start planning next cycle. We would have had to of been incredibly lucky for it to have worked out this time.

I'm going away on holiday (without the kids!) next week so if she does appear, at least I've something to lift my spirits. Oh and the fact I can then take an oral medication for the yeast beast that *still* won't leave. Grrrr.

I Haz Them

By them, I mean what I'm pretty sure now are definitely period pains, which I usually get the day before she arrives but I'm not actually expecting her until Thursday which is weird.

I do however have a raging yeast infection at the moment (think bleeding - ouch) and a bit of an upset tum so it could simply be down to that combination. We'll see.

I don't have my other usual PMT symptoms though but most of them are emotional rather than physical and I'm having a stressful time of late so if I did feel them, they are probably clouded by my stress levels.

IM is being a sweetheart, she says the nicest of things. She might not always be thinking them when it appears that this won't be our cycle but she tells me differently and with sincerety which helps a lot. It's easy to feel a bit of a failure, with a fair dollop of guilt thrown in, when it's a probable bust but some kind words soothe the sting a little.

7 Days Past Ovulation

And I feel like my period is on her way. Up until this morning, I didn't feel much of anything but today, I have lower abdomen 'rumblings', like super mild period pains if you will.

I'm expecting my period, if she's on time, in 4 days time.

I am feeling a bit disappointed but hardly surprised, it would have been truly amazing had it worked first time around but you still have hope.

Dreading having to tell IPs, though they tell me they're prepared and ok with it, I know they will still be upset.

Oh and between you and I, I need to pull myself together come the 2ww next month. I may, or may not have, tested at like 4, 5 and 6 days past ovulation. What a dork, as if it would have shown anything! I'm an intelligent woman, this ttc lark is not new to me. I've read the books, skimmed the internet and got the proverbial t-shirt and yet my excitement got the better of me. Well that and my need to pee on a stick again. I really need to keep it together next time.

Checking In

I refuse to post every day of the 2ww analysing everything and anything which will turn out to be nothing but it would be a boring time if I posted nothing!

Bless my IM, she's trying to stay so level headed and calm about it. She can't help but be focused on the wait though. I had to chuckle when she asked if, at 1 day past insem, whether I had any feelings yet (on whether I might be pregnant)?

I felt bad saying that no, I didn't and nor did I expect to. I guess it's just reminded me again of how much they want this to work. I try to gently steer her down and keep her realistic but she's so excited that I feel awful. Goodness knows how bad I'll feel if it doesn't actually work this cycle and I have to tell her. I know a lot of surrogates struggle with that aspect though and there's no kind way of doing it. We all, surrogate and IMs, have to deal with the downs that inevitably come with the surrogacy journey.

Officially In The 2ww (two week wait)

We did the other insemination this morning and that's that now. The nail biting starts.

I had a nightmare morning, we had a power cut which threw the routine all out. I knew I was expected at 9:15am at the guest house and then I realised it was picture day for my daughter but had been so caught up in everything this weekend, she didn't have a clean polo with a logo on it for it so we were dashing around and I had to take everyone (husband and all) in the car for speed.

Then IM text asking if we'd said 9:15 or 9:30 so I thought I'd change it to 9:30 to give me some time to get sorted and down there but after the oldest 2 had been dropped at school, all sorted, I got a text asking if I could come now so since my husband and the baby were in the car too, they got dragged along.

It was much more relaxed for IF today, he wasn't flustered or embarassed. Well I'm sure he was embarassed but he obviously felt able to face me which was an improvement on yesterday! Him, the baby and hubby stayed outside in the car park and IM and I went to the room and the insem was done.

We stood in the car park chatting, IM was in love with the baby and we couldn't prize her away but it was lovely to see. I told IM that hopefully if I saw them next month, it would be for a different reason. Fingers crossed!

I did an OPK again last night and 2 this morning and all have been negative so as long as I don't ovulate again, in the next 14 days or so, we should know if it's worked.

I'm very chilled about it all. The hardwork is done for now and there's nothing more any of us can do. It's just a wait and see approach. I'm optimistic but realistic, I don't expect it to work but am hopeful it will.

First Insems OPK's

Incase anyone is unsure how to read them and what a negative and positive looks like.

Excuse the crappy pen detail on the edge, I took this pic on my phone so it's made it look more rubbish than it is.

You're looking at :: Negative/Getting darker --- POSITIVE --- Negative/Getting lighter

1 Down, 1 To Go!

My OPK was near enough matching this morning but was still considered negative. My IM was on tenterhooks, she'd filled the car up with petrol, got her bag ready, had a cat sitter in place, the guesthouse marked out and had taken tomorrow off of work. All we needed was *the* call. We were hoping for today as IF had work tomorrow and if I ovulated tomorrow, he couldn't cancel his clients and would have to leave it until Tuesday before he could get here. And IM wouldn't have been able to make tomorrow with him either.

Anyway, I tested again about 4 hours later and thought it really looked positive but wasn't sure so I took another about 30 minutes later and really watched the clock to check the time before looking at it and this time, the test line was definitely darker than the control line so this was a GO! Our BFP OPK. I had hubby look at it too for an independent opinion and he agreed that this was definitely to be considered a positive test.

I was a little surprised I didn't see a BFP yesterday as Friday and Saturday my mucus was perfect, whereas today it wasn't as great but all things considered, today was THE day apparently.

I text them around midday and my IM told me the guesthouse said they could check in from 4pm so there were making their way down. I text them about 4pm to find out how they were getting on and IM called me a short while later to say they'd made it and to sort out the final arrangements.

The kids were being nightmares, I think my middle is possibly coming down with chickenpox. Or at the very least, something illness-wise as she is not a happy camper. So I really didn't want my IPs here and dealing with that. I decided to go to them at the guesthouse so I text when I left home and since they are only literally 4 roads away, it worked out fine. IM left IF to do his bit and we stood outside and then in my car in the car park just laughing and waiting for IF to text.

My IM was still grinning like a cheshire cat, exactly as I met her and left her doing back in March. And we just laughed about the craziness of what we were doing. It was light-hearted and conversation flowed easily though which is nice as it just took the edge off of any awkwardness.

Now, I wasn't sure if I should leave out the nitty gritty of inseminations but in the event of another first-timer would there reading this, I'm going to put it in as I know I had no clue how things actually worked and was very apprehensive. I wish I had somewhere that laid it all out for me to read so if you're squeamish - look away NOW!

IF did his bit alone in the room and then me and IM went in after he left. It was funny, the poor man was so mortified, he couldn't even look at me. I'm sure (if we have to!) next time it'll all be a little easier.

IF had put it in an insulated bottle bag to keep it warm but it was literally only a matter of minutes between transfer to be honest.

IM asked if I wanted to use the syringes or the Instead Cups she'd bought me. I opted for the cup as it keeps everything where it needs to be and with me having to get straight back to the children and be on my feet all evening, it was easier and erm, well, tidier.

I asked if she wanted to put the sample in the cup, or me and she said she was too squeamish to which made me laugh as it is her man's! LOL But I went into the en-suite and poured the sample into the Instead Cup and did the necessary and that was that.

We then hugged and walked out to my car and arranged to see one another tomorrow after I've dropped the oldest 2 off at school, to do another insemination. I'm going to continue to test with OPK's until they go negative and then it's keeping everything crossed and seeing what happens in about 11 days time from now. Oh how exciting!

If I'm honest, I'm 99% sure it won't work first time. It's pretty usual for surrogacy to take around 3-6 attempts to achieve a positive. If they do at all obviously. We'd have to be super duper lucky to catch the first go but of course that's not to say I'm not thinking positive and keeping optimistic.

Everything seemed to fall into place this cycle though. With lots of good omens along the way so maybe this will happen first time for us? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

I think I feel ovulation pains as I type which would be absolutely perfect timing indeed! So, watch this space.

Testing Begins

We're now on day 13 of my cycle, I'm using OPK's twice a day to detect ovulation. More waiting I'm afraid,

IM is still like a dog with 2 tails, pumped up and so excited. She has everything in place and is raring to go, just waiting for the call. It's great when you have someone like that as it helps to keep things light-hearted and it could be very uncomfortable and overwhelming. I guess that's why it definitely helps to have IPs that you are at ease with and that click.

I have both phone numbers programmed into my mobile and we've an agreed plan in place when the time is right. I'm still nervous to see how it will actually work, I do not want it impacting on my children. At present, they know nothing about surrogacy and nor will they until they need to and the time is right.

My husband is working a lot of shifts lately, nights at that I'm spending a lot of time home alone with the kids. I'm anxious about timing and that my IPs don't turn up when the children are up and needing me since to them, my IPs are strangers at this point in time.

I'm sure it'll all be fine and work itself out. Every surrogate says the first cycle is the worst as the lack of experience worries everyone, we should be thinking of this cycle as a test cycle basically.

It's funny how even though I, as the surrogate, am playing the biggest part in this journey and yet I'm the one who's most relaxed about it. It cracks me up when my IM tells me my cycle has taken over everyones calenders. Even her works one and the boss!

Hopefully my next post will be to say I've got a big fat positive OPK and insems are done.

Finally!

Sorry I've been quiet but there's really not been too much to report. We were just waiting on the arrival of my period and I'm thrilled to say she showed her face today!

Isn't it funny how any other time and I'd be grumbling that she showed to spoil an otherwise nice Bank Holiday weekend but I'm thrilled this time. She certainly took her time, I'm usually 26-28 days but this was a 34'er. Although I've had the month from hell with stress and I'm just getting over illness so it makes sense it messed her arrival date up.

Hopefully I won't have to worry about seeing her untimely self anytime soon once she leaves. Fingers crossed!

So, now we just wait until around cycle day (CD) 13 when I'm going to start using my OPK's and hopefully we'll see a lovely positive one around CD16-18 and our first insem can take place.

I feel a bit jittery in a way, it's even more real than it was before. We've moved another step closer, I have a feeling with each milestone reached this month, I'll feel butterflies. I hope knowing how things will work, will make it easier *should* we do it all again next month but we're not thinking like that are we? Positive Mental Attitude. Chant it with me, 'P.M.A! P.M.A!'