Dedicated? Oh Yes!

Such is my dedication to my blog that this post comes to you from onboard a high speed train (currently 104mph for the train buffs amongst you!) Well, I have a spare hour or so and thought I may as well be productive and update.

I am on my way home after another round of insems and a stay at Hotel K & B. B has a new job that means he can't take any holiday to travel down and K had no cover at work - the joys of it being holiday season. Anyway, I enjoy a break for a few days and the kids get lots of Daddy bonding time so it's a win-win situation. Doesn't stop me missing them of course but I am never off the phone so it is like I am still there!

We had planned single donor insems again but it suited us better to share the responsibility and it makes no odds really. Research still hasn't thrown up evidence either way so we just went with what suited us logistic wise.

And so the dreaded 2ww begins - number 8. Never thought and certainly hoped we wouldn't still be at the same stage either but I have been very relaxed this cycle, more than ever before infact, I have found my 'happy place' I think this time around.

Had a really nice time with the guys, they were both busy but things were relaxed and comfortable. I spent a while with B's parents again and that was fantastic, it helps keep me focused and positive. I know some see surrogacy as a business transaction but that was never how I wanted my surrogacy experience to be and I feel comfortable in my role and have made peace with what being so deeply invested and involved with my IPs will bring when my 'job' is done. I don't and never will regret the relationship K, B and I share - no matter how it concludes.

Ok, enough of that deep stuff!

So, we made a joint decision not to use OPKs this cycle, well we have the benefit of experience and feel they don't offer much use nowadays so we went solo, which was quite liberating, shedding a bit of pressure this cycle but both K & I almost caved!

In other news, my Mum was granted planning permission to build a long-awaited retirement home in the Scottish Highlands! The plan has always been for us to move there - all of us, my family too...That obviously has implications for my surrogacy journey and therefore for K & B too. The clock is truly ticking now, to get pregnant and be delivered before we leave.

I need to finish this journey before I can start my new Scottish one, surely our turn has to be nearby? I am relaxed as I said but still as impatient as ever to move forwards. If perseverence wins the race, we should be near the finishing line, right?!

Watch this space I guess to see if cycle 8 is the one.

Rattling & Rolling With It

This AF is really bad, is it down to a really good ovulation I wonder. I am not so sure, I haven't found conclusive evidence of that and it definitely would contradict the medical ptofessionals belief that no ovulation is the one that leads to heavier, more painful and longer periods.

So I don't really know why it is so awful this cycle but it could be the fact I'm not 100% or the numerous meds I'm taking. All I do know is I feel ROUGH.

I'm taking Clomid, antibiotics, iron tablets, folic acid, 2 x inhalers, nose drops, eye drops and paracetamol as needed too - which right now is every 4 hours on the dot. I definitely think there are some drug interactions going on but all are necessary unfortunately.

Thankfully my husband is at work today but my lovely Mum stepped in and has taken all 3 kids out and I'm going back to bed to sleep some of this yuckiness off hopefully.

Normal service should be resumed by early next week with any luck, I am just riding this storm out until then.

Stats

Journey 1:

Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12 (took B6)

Unmatched:

Cycle 7: Length: 24 and LP: ? (not tracking ovulation)
Cycle 8: Length: 26 and LP: ?
Cycle 9: Length: 27 and LP: ?

K & B stats:

Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)


I have decided from next cycle, I won't be listing any other stats than those from my current match. Firstly, because I have OCD and the growing list looks untidy and is bothering me - go on, make the loser sign on your forehead, I know but at least I admit it! And secondly, because I see no relevance of stats from that long ago and especially when I am now on meds and have a completely different cycle pattern.

In keeping with the title of this post, my stats:

5 out of 7 cycles, I have ovulated - 2 of those were low level ovulation.

1 cycle, we don't know about as I wasn't monitored and 1 I know was annovulatory.

These stats help me to feel like we haven't actually had 7 unsuccessful cycles but the flip side, that we've only had 3 cycles where we were in with a proper chance. There is still a long way to go yet!

Not A Good Day

My chart was picture perfect, my progesterone level was the highest yet, we only did single donor insems which were well timed and yet it didn't work - my plummeting temp and obligatory pre-af eye flare up both signal she is only hours away.

Today is not a good day, for some reason I am emotionally worse at this stage than I have been before (barr cycle 2 obviously). I cannot stop crying. I'm also fighting off a nasty chest infection that has been brewing for a few weeks and I am sure that isn't helping and add in that I haven't been sleeping well lately.

I didn't even get my hopes up either, I tend not to until I know for definite if I've ovulated and since I only got that news yesterday, I had no time to build myself up. So, quite why I am so upset at her impending arrival, I don't know.

So as I said, today is very much not a good day. My husband is my silver lining, I think he is surprised by how badly I have taken this one and is lavishing me with hugs and my favourite coffee and cake, bless him.

I also lost a friendship this cycle and had a major bump in the road with K & B. Still here, still fighting but also down even if not quite out.

I always wonder if I should post when I am down, my last IPs left me with a complex about being anything other than happy but you know what? Surrogacy is fucking hard, the reward is well worth the crappy times and the emotional rollercoaster - without doubt but it isn't all sunshine and + hpts after just a month or 3 of trying...well not for some of us and I want anyone who finds themselves with the months stacking up, to know others have been there and had to work that bit harder for the pee stick gold prize and that it's ok to be angry and sad and to vent it out loud.

Venting isn't being negative, infact I see it as the opposite - the old 'better out than in' thinking.

Some may even question my right to feel upset, when I at least have children but that doesn't make an unsuccessful cycle sting any less and yes, I know that K &B feel it even more but that doesn't make my feelings less important.

So, here my vent will stay, even if it doesn't help anyone else, getting it out helps me.