Clomid did indeed mess my cycle up....
Journey 2:
Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Unmatched:
Cycle 18: Length: 23 and LP: ? (Not tracking ovulation)
Yup, 23 days between AF. Ugh, I am just keeping everything crossed that it returns to normal next month. I have always been regular and predictable where AF is concerned and I like it that way, especially for ttc.
Sunday 28 August 2011
Monday 22 August 2011
Bumps Everywhere!
It seems everyone is pregnant around me lately and although I'm envious, I'm not bitter since I don't know their story for the most part - Perhaps they are a surrogate or maybe they had 4 failed previous IVF attempts, multiple miscarriages etc, I don't know so I simply think how pleased and excited someone must be, at the growing bump and go on with my business.
I have several surrogate friends who have recently fallen pregnant, which is great of course. We all know that people don't just one day decide to 'recruit' a woman, who was once a complete stranger, to carry their baby, on a whim. No, it's the end of a very long road for almost all IPs and that bump represents the realisation of a long-held dream. No, no begruding of that here.
I also found out that my first IPs have just had their BFP, with their new surrogate. Obviously it stings a little on a personal level and probably more so because of my current match situation but I'm still happy for them. They deserve it as much as anyone.
And if anything, all of these pregnancies have just made me want it that bit more!
I've been making contacts and talking to some lovely couples, it still doesn't come easy to me to be almost marketing myself but it's all part of the surrogacy journey. It might just be me but it seems there are a lot more surrogates out there lately too, I feel with 2 matches behind me so far, I'm carrying a bit of extra baggage for any potential IPs but it is what it is, I would never lie about my experience to date and there are positives to be had from picking someone who has been there, done that but not quite got the BFP t-shirt.
Sometimes fast doesn't 'win' the race, I know of some friends who got matched, felt they had found the couple and although they got pregnant quickly, it was anything but plain sailing, sunshine and rainbows. On balance, I'm happy to take my time, pick carefully and well and hopefully cross the chequered line with the same excitement and enthusiasm that I started with! Though of course, as I well know, taking your time does not equal a trouble-free path...things (and people) can turn in an instance and your perfect match isn't quite as solid as you thought.
Luckily, I'm being supported by some lovely friends in the surrogacy world and when I'm feeling like I'm fighting an uphill battle, I hear of another match or of another pregnancy and it spurs me on to try just that little longer for my turn.
I have several surrogate friends who have recently fallen pregnant, which is great of course. We all know that people don't just one day decide to 'recruit' a woman, who was once a complete stranger, to carry their baby, on a whim. No, it's the end of a very long road for almost all IPs and that bump represents the realisation of a long-held dream. No, no begruding of that here.
I also found out that my first IPs have just had their BFP, with their new surrogate. Obviously it stings a little on a personal level and probably more so because of my current match situation but I'm still happy for them. They deserve it as much as anyone.
And if anything, all of these pregnancies have just made me want it that bit more!
I've been making contacts and talking to some lovely couples, it still doesn't come easy to me to be almost marketing myself but it's all part of the surrogacy journey. It might just be me but it seems there are a lot more surrogates out there lately too, I feel with 2 matches behind me so far, I'm carrying a bit of extra baggage for any potential IPs but it is what it is, I would never lie about my experience to date and there are positives to be had from picking someone who has been there, done that but not quite got the BFP t-shirt.
Sometimes fast doesn't 'win' the race, I know of some friends who got matched, felt they had found the couple and although they got pregnant quickly, it was anything but plain sailing, sunshine and rainbows. On balance, I'm happy to take my time, pick carefully and well and hopefully cross the chequered line with the same excitement and enthusiasm that I started with! Though of course, as I well know, taking your time does not equal a trouble-free path...things (and people) can turn in an instance and your perfect match isn't quite as solid as you thought.
Luckily, I'm being supported by some lovely friends in the surrogacy world and when I'm feeling like I'm fighting an uphill battle, I hear of another match or of another pregnancy and it spurs me on to try just that little longer for my turn.
Monday 15 August 2011
The Future
Since I was forced back onto the surrogacy sites, I decided to keep my finger on the pulse and found myself checking back in on them more often than I had first planned to. Am I starting to get the bug again, the desire to find another set of IPs - I think it's perhaps a bit too early but there is nothing wrong in keeping my options open and putting feelers out there, right?
I'm not sure whether to continue on the independent route though and that's a big thing that I really need to decide upon as joining an agency takes time. I'm in no rush but if I go that route, I would like to get joined up sooner rather than later and then take the time needed to really get to know any future IPs.
I have always been anti-agency for a few reasons though. One being that I don't like the idea of a stranger coming to my home, meeting my family and then deciding whether I'm good enough or tick enough boxes to become a surrogate on their list. They require a lot of information too, I understand why but some of it actually has little bearing on surrogacy in my opinion. Who are they to judge me and what qualifies them to make that decision about me and my intentions? Second reason is because I don't like the fact they charge IPs to join, and a lot of it at that. When you consider how much IPs are having to pay out for a surrogate already, every penny counts. So, an agency is essentially a business and that doesn't sit right with me and my surrogacy views.
But, I am seeing the plus points more and more. They vet IPs (and surrogates alike), weeding some out in the process and hopefully therefore cutting down on the potential for a match to fail. And of course they do the initial legwork for you - of finding IPs and introducing you first. The last bit is particularly attractive right now as the bit I feared the most about becoming a surrogate is having to put yourself out there and hope for responses and decent ones at that. I also hate the part where you're first talking to IPs and during the course of an innocent conversation, you explain things only to have an IP go quiet on you because it wasn't what they wanted/hoped for/expected in a surrogate. This way it is all down in black and white, on your application form, from before you're even formally introduced to each other and both can make those decisions privately, without the hurt it can cause.
I like the freedom that being an independent surrogate gives you though and I think I'm pretty good at the responsibility that goes with it and the knowledge you need to cover everything correctly - after all, I've got enough experience!
I've been looking at my blog during this time too, thinking how it may appear to potential IPs. I wonder if I should cut out some posts that although represent how I felt at certain points and were written with honesty, they may now work against me in the fickle process of finding new IPs and matching. Hmmm, I would feel like I was censoring myself or trying to hide something though. Another difficult decision. I hope that any potential IPs that may read my blog, as it is currently, realise that my former IPs left me little choice but to take the action I took and that it wasn't done out of spite or to cause drama.
As I've said before, there were no hard feelings at us splitting, none at all. That happens and is their right. The problem came when I found out they had already started lining a replacement surrogate up before I had any clue they were finished with me and that they were lying about me to these women, for no reason. I hadn't done a thing to them. So yes, I hope that people see the whole picture and don't just judge me for doing what I felt was necessary here on my blog. I have always said I would be open and honest here, after all, this isn't a professional blog, it's my personal diary of my journey.
I also wonder if they will read the Clomid stuff and click off. I've been thinking on this deeply over the past few days and I'm not sure that I ever really needed it. I think I just got impatient and caught up in the momentum of K & B and was persuaded into trying it before we really knew if I did indeed require it to become pregnant. After all, I have 3 children and all without the aid of anything! Even K used to say 'we don't know if there even is indeed a problem' and he's right. Considering we also thought I had PCOS when we first matched and look how that turned out!
Of course, if I go down the route of host surrogacy, that entire issue won't matter anyway since it's not my eggs that are necessary.
Anyway, at the risk of harping on about things that are in the past, I will move swiftly on - after all, this post is talking about my surrogacy future and I really hope that there is indeed one for me out there. I really don't think I'm done here, I can't imagine failing at my dream, one that I've had for so long now - I've some unfinished business here!
I'm not sure whether to continue on the independent route though and that's a big thing that I really need to decide upon as joining an agency takes time. I'm in no rush but if I go that route, I would like to get joined up sooner rather than later and then take the time needed to really get to know any future IPs.
I have always been anti-agency for a few reasons though. One being that I don't like the idea of a stranger coming to my home, meeting my family and then deciding whether I'm good enough or tick enough boxes to become a surrogate on their list. They require a lot of information too, I understand why but some of it actually has little bearing on surrogacy in my opinion. Who are they to judge me and what qualifies them to make that decision about me and my intentions? Second reason is because I don't like the fact they charge IPs to join, and a lot of it at that. When you consider how much IPs are having to pay out for a surrogate already, every penny counts. So, an agency is essentially a business and that doesn't sit right with me and my surrogacy views.
But, I am seeing the plus points more and more. They vet IPs (and surrogates alike), weeding some out in the process and hopefully therefore cutting down on the potential for a match to fail. And of course they do the initial legwork for you - of finding IPs and introducing you first. The last bit is particularly attractive right now as the bit I feared the most about becoming a surrogate is having to put yourself out there and hope for responses and decent ones at that. I also hate the part where you're first talking to IPs and during the course of an innocent conversation, you explain things only to have an IP go quiet on you because it wasn't what they wanted/hoped for/expected in a surrogate. This way it is all down in black and white, on your application form, from before you're even formally introduced to each other and both can make those decisions privately, without the hurt it can cause.
I like the freedom that being an independent surrogate gives you though and I think I'm pretty good at the responsibility that goes with it and the knowledge you need to cover everything correctly - after all, I've got enough experience!
I've been looking at my blog during this time too, thinking how it may appear to potential IPs. I wonder if I should cut out some posts that although represent how I felt at certain points and were written with honesty, they may now work against me in the fickle process of finding new IPs and matching. Hmmm, I would feel like I was censoring myself or trying to hide something though. Another difficult decision. I hope that any potential IPs that may read my blog, as it is currently, realise that my former IPs left me little choice but to take the action I took and that it wasn't done out of spite or to cause drama.
As I've said before, there were no hard feelings at us splitting, none at all. That happens and is their right. The problem came when I found out they had already started lining a replacement surrogate up before I had any clue they were finished with me and that they were lying about me to these women, for no reason. I hadn't done a thing to them. So yes, I hope that people see the whole picture and don't just judge me for doing what I felt was necessary here on my blog. I have always said I would be open and honest here, after all, this isn't a professional blog, it's my personal diary of my journey.
I also wonder if they will read the Clomid stuff and click off. I've been thinking on this deeply over the past few days and I'm not sure that I ever really needed it. I think I just got impatient and caught up in the momentum of K & B and was persuaded into trying it before we really knew if I did indeed require it to become pregnant. After all, I have 3 children and all without the aid of anything! Even K used to say 'we don't know if there even is indeed a problem' and he's right. Considering we also thought I had PCOS when we first matched and look how that turned out!
Of course, if I go down the route of host surrogacy, that entire issue won't matter anyway since it's not my eggs that are necessary.
Anyway, at the risk of harping on about things that are in the past, I will move swiftly on - after all, this post is talking about my surrogacy future and I really hope that there is indeed one for me out there. I really don't think I'm done here, I can't imagine failing at my dream, one that I've had for so long now - I've some unfinished business here!
Friday 12 August 2011
Keeping Track
Journey 2:
Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Continuing with keeping cycle stats, so I can track what now happens to my cycle, without Clomid.
Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Continuing with keeping cycle stats, so I can track what now happens to my cycle, without Clomid.
Wednesday 10 August 2011
Pushing Through
So, after the sadness, came the anger and now I'm at the meh stage. I like this stage because I've gone from being pent up and being unable to sleep, to the opposite. I slept for 12 hours last night for the first time in months and felt really good for it.
I think it's probably hard for some reading this to understand the sort of relationship I shared with K & B. It wasn't your usual surrogate/IP one and I can say that with the benefit of having IPs before them. This was so very different. Despite what K & B may say now, it was as they said many times, a fantastic relationship for the most part. Of course we had the lying which was probably the only real problem we had and yes, I know it was a major one but the rest of our match was so great that that was probably why I chose to forgive so many times in that respect.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that the relationship we shared is why it hurt so much more this time around, when it came to an end. Perhaps some may read my posts here over the last few days and think they are OTT but firstly, it's my blog and it was never meant to please anyone, I'm sorry if my posts aren't how you may handle a situation like this. Secondly, I've essentially lost 2 (what I thought were) almost best friends basically overnight and realised they were not the people I thought they were at all. Like so far removed from what I thought they were, I can't even explain in written words.
I spent a lot of time at their home, I was introduced to work colleagues, I met their family and vice versa, we had many deep conversations and shared very personal things with each other and so much more too. We would speak at least every other day on the phone for the most part and K and I were constantly texting - So, to go from that, to nothing and overnight at that, is going to be a shock.
And of course, the manner in which our parting occurred and the relevations/their actions afterwards are bound to leave even the most strong person reeling. At least my first IPs did it as kindly as possible and as far as I'm aware, never tried to trash my name and reputation and vice-versa. That's having respect for the journey you've shared and the way mature adults behave.
I have been fortunate enough to of been supported by wonderful friends and my family and have had some lovely private messages and e-mails which have been very much appreciated. It's always nice to have neutral people telling you what you already know.
For now, I am considering my options, I feel lost not ttc if I'm honest. It's very strange to be so deeply involved in all things surrogacy one minute and then not the next. I still stir at 4:45am to take my temp, before I realise, for instance and that's one thing I will not miss when I eventually get out of the habit!
I honestly think I will consider host surrogacy, if I go for it again. It just seems (no disrespect to those who disagree btw) easier. Traditional surrogacy is so intimate and you can't help but get more deeply attached than host. After all, it's your egg, it's inseminating yourself with another person's (sometimes 2) bodily fluid and the whole charting, checking cervical position and mucus etc means that it's far more intense and emotionally challenging.
Host surrogacy gives you more detachment, you still want the same thing but it's not all down to you. For instance, when I failed cycle after cycle to get pregnant, I took it personally. It was never about K & B being at fault maybe, or Mother Nature just deciding that that cycle wasn't going to be the one - for me, it was about my body failing to do what it was supposed to. I'm an intelligent lady and I know all about odds, variables and percentages but when you've got the hopes of 2 people on your shoulders, you can't help but put a lot of pressure on yourself and when things don't work as you'd hope, you blame yourself. That's not a nice position to be in and takes it toll.
So, I think host surrogacy would better suit me. I never considered it before now because of my weight really. Currently, my BMI is too high for clinics to take on, well that was what I was told when I enquired for K & B but of course, that was when I would be doing the entire IVF procedure from start to finish. This time around, it would be more simple and perhaps not such an issue. Also, I didn't think I would be able to do it for K & B because I thought I had PCOS - which I now know I don't.
My aim is to take a breather to digest what's happened with match #2, when my youngest is full time at pre-school in September, to join a gym and start the weight loss again. I actually did drop 2 stone (28lbs) when I was with K & B but I still have a way to go, it can only be beneficial to getting pregnant.
The hardest part will be taking the first steps again, putting myself out there and having to get to know a new couple all over again. Trusting another set of IPs is going to prove challenging too, no doubt. I'm not the type of person who finds making friends particularly easy and it takes a while to feel comfortable with IPs, it's a huge emotional investment from the get-go. I guess we'll just have to see what happens with time.
Even though things didn't turn out the way I had hoped and I've come out of the match bruised and wary, I still don't regret a moment of the journey and the experience it's given me. I don't hate K & B, hate is a destructive emotion and a waste of my energy. Giving up on me is their loss, I was pretty freaking fantastic - even if I say so myself. If they find another surrogate as knowledgeable, giving and dedicated as me then they really are very lucky indeed. As I said before, I wish them all the best of luck with their baby making dreams.
I haven't walked away with nothing, like some may think - I'm more knowledgeable about what I want out of a journey and have the confidence to know when things aren't right and to walk away - although I hope I don't need to. I'm in this for the long haul, I've always said that and I still have hope that I will achieve my surrogacy happy ever after.
My mantra at the moment is 'no regrets' and it's true - everything happens for a reason and this is no different.
I think it's probably hard for some reading this to understand the sort of relationship I shared with K & B. It wasn't your usual surrogate/IP one and I can say that with the benefit of having IPs before them. This was so very different. Despite what K & B may say now, it was as they said many times, a fantastic relationship for the most part. Of course we had the lying which was probably the only real problem we had and yes, I know it was a major one but the rest of our match was so great that that was probably why I chose to forgive so many times in that respect.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that the relationship we shared is why it hurt so much more this time around, when it came to an end. Perhaps some may read my posts here over the last few days and think they are OTT but firstly, it's my blog and it was never meant to please anyone, I'm sorry if my posts aren't how you may handle a situation like this. Secondly, I've essentially lost 2 (what I thought were) almost best friends basically overnight and realised they were not the people I thought they were at all. Like so far removed from what I thought they were, I can't even explain in written words.
I spent a lot of time at their home, I was introduced to work colleagues, I met their family and vice versa, we had many deep conversations and shared very personal things with each other and so much more too. We would speak at least every other day on the phone for the most part and K and I were constantly texting - So, to go from that, to nothing and overnight at that, is going to be a shock.
And of course, the manner in which our parting occurred and the relevations/their actions afterwards are bound to leave even the most strong person reeling. At least my first IPs did it as kindly as possible and as far as I'm aware, never tried to trash my name and reputation and vice-versa. That's having respect for the journey you've shared and the way mature adults behave.
I have been fortunate enough to of been supported by wonderful friends and my family and have had some lovely private messages and e-mails which have been very much appreciated. It's always nice to have neutral people telling you what you already know.
For now, I am considering my options, I feel lost not ttc if I'm honest. It's very strange to be so deeply involved in all things surrogacy one minute and then not the next. I still stir at 4:45am to take my temp, before I realise, for instance and that's one thing I will not miss when I eventually get out of the habit!
I honestly think I will consider host surrogacy, if I go for it again. It just seems (no disrespect to those who disagree btw) easier. Traditional surrogacy is so intimate and you can't help but get more deeply attached than host. After all, it's your egg, it's inseminating yourself with another person's (sometimes 2) bodily fluid and the whole charting, checking cervical position and mucus etc means that it's far more intense and emotionally challenging.
Host surrogacy gives you more detachment, you still want the same thing but it's not all down to you. For instance, when I failed cycle after cycle to get pregnant, I took it personally. It was never about K & B being at fault maybe, or Mother Nature just deciding that that cycle wasn't going to be the one - for me, it was about my body failing to do what it was supposed to. I'm an intelligent lady and I know all about odds, variables and percentages but when you've got the hopes of 2 people on your shoulders, you can't help but put a lot of pressure on yourself and when things don't work as you'd hope, you blame yourself. That's not a nice position to be in and takes it toll.
So, I think host surrogacy would better suit me. I never considered it before now because of my weight really. Currently, my BMI is too high for clinics to take on, well that was what I was told when I enquired for K & B but of course, that was when I would be doing the entire IVF procedure from start to finish. This time around, it would be more simple and perhaps not such an issue. Also, I didn't think I would be able to do it for K & B because I thought I had PCOS - which I now know I don't.
My aim is to take a breather to digest what's happened with match #2, when my youngest is full time at pre-school in September, to join a gym and start the weight loss again. I actually did drop 2 stone (28lbs) when I was with K & B but I still have a way to go, it can only be beneficial to getting pregnant.
The hardest part will be taking the first steps again, putting myself out there and having to get to know a new couple all over again. Trusting another set of IPs is going to prove challenging too, no doubt. I'm not the type of person who finds making friends particularly easy and it takes a while to feel comfortable with IPs, it's a huge emotional investment from the get-go. I guess we'll just have to see what happens with time.
Even though things didn't turn out the way I had hoped and I've come out of the match bruised and wary, I still don't regret a moment of the journey and the experience it's given me. I don't hate K & B, hate is a destructive emotion and a waste of my energy. Giving up on me is their loss, I was pretty freaking fantastic - even if I say so myself. If they find another surrogate as knowledgeable, giving and dedicated as me then they really are very lucky indeed. As I said before, I wish them all the best of luck with their baby making dreams.
I haven't walked away with nothing, like some may think - I'm more knowledgeable about what I want out of a journey and have the confidence to know when things aren't right and to walk away - although I hope I don't need to. I'm in this for the long haul, I've always said that and I still have hope that I will achieve my surrogacy happy ever after.
My mantra at the moment is 'no regrets' and it's true - everything happens for a reason and this is no different.
Monday 8 August 2011
A Warning To Others
Since my last post, a lot has come to light. It appears I got my IPs completely wrong, I have since discovered that the problem that was rampant throughout our match, stepped up a notch before we unmatched and then continued after we parted ways - namely, them lying.
It appears that I was naive enough to think they could both be mature after making their decision to end our match or at the very least respectful. Instead it transpires that they were not only making contact with other potential surrogates a while ago but telling them they were going to break our match - all before they had told me anything.
But, it doesn't stop there - Oh no, it seems they were also telling potential surrogates lies about me, for whatever reason. Saying that they had no idea of my fertility issues when ttc my first child - my first post of my blog throws that out of the window. I also have the proof from our first e-mails that that is completely not the case. I have never hidden from anyone my struggles in that respect, I'm proud that it took that long but that we hung in there and were so blessed with our gorgeous son after all of it. I would never want to smooth over that but rather I celebrate it.
K had a problem with me posting a FB status on my son's birthday this past week, saying it was a dig at him as it spoke of having to wait a long time for him but that he was worth the wait. Absurd and verging on paranoia if you ask me but this is what I had to deal with. This wasn't the first time K had taken a FB status personally. For the record, I nearly lost my son when he was 3.5 (to Lemierre's Syndrome - Google if you get a chance, very rare but on the increase and more often than not, fatal) and so we definitely see him as our miracle in more ways than one and I won't stop publically praising having him here at every opportunity.
Anyway, back to the current time, K also told these potential surrogates that I 'couldn't get the job done' and discussed my personal fertility information with these strangers too. Charming, right?
I don't understand what causes people to become so spiteful. In the blink of an eye, people just turn so quickly. I can hand on my heart say I never did anything to either of them, except try and help them have a baby. I treated them with kindness, loyalty, commitment and respect. I went so far above and beyond what most surrogates would do for their IPs and I asked for nothing but honesty and commitment in return. What you see with me is exactly what you get. They knew the one thing I can't stand is liars, which is exactly what they both are.
I shouldn't be surprised, I had caught them both out lying during our match and confronted them about it. Yet they continued to treat me like a fool and lie over and over. I do shoulder responsibility for allowing them to sweet-talk me after I caught them out time and again, and for not telling them where to go but I guess I allowed my heart to rule my head. A mistake that will not be repeated again.
I hold my hands up and say that I did see a red mist descend after this all came to light yesterday and did something which was probably pretty juevenille for a short period of time but then rectified it without delay shortly afterwards. It wasn't the smartest thing but people can only take so much before snapping back sometimes and considering I had not reacted to anything up until that point, I refuse to feel too badly about my momentary lapse in judgement. No harm was done, apart to K's pride perhaps, which I feel zero remorse about.
So, let this post be a warning to others that a) you never really know someone, b) if you decide to get involved with these two, be on your guard and hope they treat you better than they treated me and c) if you hear anything about me, that has come from them, it is more than likely a complete lie.
There is so much more I could say, and it would all be the truth, if I really wanted to hurt them like they've hurt me - some may think I am the spiteful one, for naming them so publically but they lost the right to expect anything from me when they disrespected me and the journey we've shared and in a cruel way - by dragging my name through the mud in the small surrogacy world, without reason. So, they really gave me no choice but to go public, in a bid to limit the damage that they are trying to do to my character, I never wanted to have to do this.
I am also having to put myself out onto the message boards when it's the last thing I feel like doing right now but, I need to make myself active so if there are IPs out there (or even surrogates) who hear the lies, they've also heard my side too. It's a horrible thing, being forced to post an intro and be around people who are on their way to their surrogacy happy ever after, when mine has just come crashing down but again, I'm in damage limitation mode.
They are continuing to try and keep this perceived 'battle' with me going, even now. Trying to have the final word or to stick the knife in just one more time, it's quite pathetic to witness and definitely not necessary. I told K yesterday that I was done, in every sense of the word and wanted to draw a line under it all and move on. It doesn't appear he knows when enough is enough though.
I feel particularly sad I now see how K manipulated and managed to isolate me from friends in the surrogacy community, without me even realising. I now know why, they knew these friends had the capacity to see through them and were trying to warn me of what was coming - all the things I couldn't see myself, at the time.
K has since removed his hardly used surrogacy blog, I guess he was afraid that people would see how he portrayed himself as being, how wonderful he thought our journey was and how highly he spoke of me and see just how fake he is capable of being. It would also of vindicated me from the lies he is trying to spread now, blowing them out of the water.
Understandably, my emotions are broken after the events of the past 2 days and I am not sure it'll be possible to trust a third set of IPs - if I decide to start from scratch once again. These guys have tainted surrogacy for me in a way I didn't think possible and taken me down in the process so well done, I hope you're proud of yourselves, guys. At least I have a clear conscience and can sleep at night when all is said and done, which is more than they can say.
It appears that I was naive enough to think they could both be mature after making their decision to end our match or at the very least respectful. Instead it transpires that they were not only making contact with other potential surrogates a while ago but telling them they were going to break our match - all before they had told me anything.
But, it doesn't stop there - Oh no, it seems they were also telling potential surrogates lies about me, for whatever reason. Saying that they had no idea of my fertility issues when ttc my first child - my first post of my blog throws that out of the window. I also have the proof from our first e-mails that that is completely not the case. I have never hidden from anyone my struggles in that respect, I'm proud that it took that long but that we hung in there and were so blessed with our gorgeous son after all of it. I would never want to smooth over that but rather I celebrate it.
K had a problem with me posting a FB status on my son's birthday this past week, saying it was a dig at him as it spoke of having to wait a long time for him but that he was worth the wait. Absurd and verging on paranoia if you ask me but this is what I had to deal with. This wasn't the first time K had taken a FB status personally. For the record, I nearly lost my son when he was 3.5 (to Lemierre's Syndrome - Google if you get a chance, very rare but on the increase and more often than not, fatal) and so we definitely see him as our miracle in more ways than one and I won't stop publically praising having him here at every opportunity.
Anyway, back to the current time, K also told these potential surrogates that I 'couldn't get the job done' and discussed my personal fertility information with these strangers too. Charming, right?
I don't understand what causes people to become so spiteful. In the blink of an eye, people just turn so quickly. I can hand on my heart say I never did anything to either of them, except try and help them have a baby. I treated them with kindness, loyalty, commitment and respect. I went so far above and beyond what most surrogates would do for their IPs and I asked for nothing but honesty and commitment in return. What you see with me is exactly what you get. They knew the one thing I can't stand is liars, which is exactly what they both are.
I shouldn't be surprised, I had caught them both out lying during our match and confronted them about it. Yet they continued to treat me like a fool and lie over and over. I do shoulder responsibility for allowing them to sweet-talk me after I caught them out time and again, and for not telling them where to go but I guess I allowed my heart to rule my head. A mistake that will not be repeated again.
I hold my hands up and say that I did see a red mist descend after this all came to light yesterday and did something which was probably pretty juevenille for a short period of time but then rectified it without delay shortly afterwards. It wasn't the smartest thing but people can only take so much before snapping back sometimes and considering I had not reacted to anything up until that point, I refuse to feel too badly about my momentary lapse in judgement. No harm was done, apart to K's pride perhaps, which I feel zero remorse about.
So, let this post be a warning to others that a) you never really know someone, b) if you decide to get involved with these two, be on your guard and hope they treat you better than they treated me and c) if you hear anything about me, that has come from them, it is more than likely a complete lie.
There is so much more I could say, and it would all be the truth, if I really wanted to hurt them like they've hurt me - some may think I am the spiteful one, for naming them so publically but they lost the right to expect anything from me when they disrespected me and the journey we've shared and in a cruel way - by dragging my name through the mud in the small surrogacy world, without reason. So, they really gave me no choice but to go public, in a bid to limit the damage that they are trying to do to my character, I never wanted to have to do this.
I am also having to put myself out onto the message boards when it's the last thing I feel like doing right now but, I need to make myself active so if there are IPs out there (or even surrogates) who hear the lies, they've also heard my side too. It's a horrible thing, being forced to post an intro and be around people who are on their way to their surrogacy happy ever after, when mine has just come crashing down but again, I'm in damage limitation mode.
They are continuing to try and keep this perceived 'battle' with me going, even now. Trying to have the final word or to stick the knife in just one more time, it's quite pathetic to witness and definitely not necessary. I told K yesterday that I was done, in every sense of the word and wanted to draw a line under it all and move on. It doesn't appear he knows when enough is enough though.
I feel particularly sad I now see how K manipulated and managed to isolate me from friends in the surrogacy community, without me even realising. I now know why, they knew these friends had the capacity to see through them and were trying to warn me of what was coming - all the things I couldn't see myself, at the time.
K has since removed his hardly used surrogacy blog, I guess he was afraid that people would see how he portrayed himself as being, how wonderful he thought our journey was and how highly he spoke of me and see just how fake he is capable of being. It would also of vindicated me from the lies he is trying to spread now, blowing them out of the water.
Understandably, my emotions are broken after the events of the past 2 days and I am not sure it'll be possible to trust a third set of IPs - if I decide to start from scratch once again. These guys have tainted surrogacy for me in a way I didn't think possible and taken me down in the process so well done, I hope you're proud of yourselves, guys. At least I have a clear conscience and can sleep at night when all is said and done, which is more than they can say.
Wednesday 3 August 2011
Out With The Old....
First off, I have to admit that this post now is not what it first was, I had written other stuff a couple of days ago and I'm sure a few of you saw it. But shortly after, my journey took a twist and the irony in the title meant that I just had to edit and talk about that news, rather than giving someone who really doesn't deserve it, any more of my time.
So, my news - I'm unmatched, for the 2nd time. I have a feeling of de ja vu but this time, I'm wiser I guess and experience has taught me that no matter how raw my feelings might be at present (and they are, naturally), it's not the end of the world and I'll move past this with time.
Whether I'll continue with surrogacy though has not yet been decided. At this point, as last time, I feel like I'm done. I've thrown myself fully into 20 months of living and breathing surrogacy, sacrificing a lot along the way, and perhaps it's time to accept that this just isn't meant to be and move on with my life. I've been down avenues I didn't think I would and this time particularly, I gave far too much of myself, in so many ways, which is something I see now, having the benefit of hindsight. Still, it's all experience and something to grow and learn from.
Nope, I can honestly say that I don't have a clue where I will go from here but it's not important to have that figured out at this stage.
I still, for the 2nd time, cannot understand why any IP would give up on a willing (and I think a pretty decent) surrogate but maybe it's something that I'll never understand. It isn't like it would make it any easier to swallow anyway.
I know failed cycles are emotionally draining but it was hardly like we had been trying for a very long time, in the grand scheme of things, having only had 4 good chance cycles, where I was ovulating and we timed insems well. Surrogacy and all it brings is something that you only really understand and appreciate when you're living it and I was a good few cycles ahead of K & B in that respect, since they weren't my first match and because of that, I maybe had that bit of extra knowledge about myself, my expectations and just experience of the whole process whereas they didn't perhaps? I don't know but it was a steep learning curve for them without a doubt and for me too at times.
Essentially, I think this decision was more about them than about me and I don't think I will ever know the full story behind it sadly, which means I have a lot of unanswered questions, as you'd expect when a match ends so abruptly. I try not to think too deeply on them though, I have no control over other's actions but I can control my reaction.
I know I did the very best I could. I wasn't perfect by any means but I gave 110% and although it wasn't enough to achieve the goal, I did myself proud and can hold my head high. Despite promises and the best of intentions, breaking up rarely ends nicely but I admit that I had higher hopes that it would be a different story for the 3 of us, given the close and intense friendship and relationship we had built. Maybe with time.....But who knows.
So, I'm sad nonetheless that it's come to an end and such bad timing too (school holidays, the week I've found out my real life best friend is moving, the day after AF arrived and on my son's birthday and the day before my husband's birthday too) but things weren't going well for a while now, for a few reasons. I know I've wanted to call it quits on a few occasions but I just couldn't bring myself to walk away and be responsible for maybe shattering the dreams of two people I cared so much about - The decision was taken out of my hands in the end.
I don't know what else to type really so I'll simply end this post by saying that I will miss them and the friendship and that I don't regret any of the journey we shared and by thanking them for the past 9 months - There are no hard feelings from my end and I wish them all the luck in the world, wherever they go from here.
So, my news - I'm unmatched, for the 2nd time. I have a feeling of de ja vu but this time, I'm wiser I guess and experience has taught me that no matter how raw my feelings might be at present (and they are, naturally), it's not the end of the world and I'll move past this with time.
Whether I'll continue with surrogacy though has not yet been decided. At this point, as last time, I feel like I'm done. I've thrown myself fully into 20 months of living and breathing surrogacy, sacrificing a lot along the way, and perhaps it's time to accept that this just isn't meant to be and move on with my life. I've been down avenues I didn't think I would and this time particularly, I gave far too much of myself, in so many ways, which is something I see now, having the benefit of hindsight. Still, it's all experience and something to grow and learn from.
Nope, I can honestly say that I don't have a clue where I will go from here but it's not important to have that figured out at this stage.
I still, for the 2nd time, cannot understand why any IP would give up on a willing (and I think a pretty decent) surrogate but maybe it's something that I'll never understand. It isn't like it would make it any easier to swallow anyway.
I know failed cycles are emotionally draining but it was hardly like we had been trying for a very long time, in the grand scheme of things, having only had 4 good chance cycles, where I was ovulating and we timed insems well. Surrogacy and all it brings is something that you only really understand and appreciate when you're living it and I was a good few cycles ahead of K & B in that respect, since they weren't my first match and because of that, I maybe had that bit of extra knowledge about myself, my expectations and just experience of the whole process whereas they didn't perhaps? I don't know but it was a steep learning curve for them without a doubt and for me too at times.
Essentially, I think this decision was more about them than about me and I don't think I will ever know the full story behind it sadly, which means I have a lot of unanswered questions, as you'd expect when a match ends so abruptly. I try not to think too deeply on them though, I have no control over other's actions but I can control my reaction.
I know I did the very best I could. I wasn't perfect by any means but I gave 110% and although it wasn't enough to achieve the goal, I did myself proud and can hold my head high. Despite promises and the best of intentions, breaking up rarely ends nicely but I admit that I had higher hopes that it would be a different story for the 3 of us, given the close and intense friendship and relationship we had built. Maybe with time.....But who knows.
So, I'm sad nonetheless that it's come to an end and such bad timing too (school holidays, the week I've found out my real life best friend is moving, the day after AF arrived and on my son's birthday and the day before my husband's birthday too) but things weren't going well for a while now, for a few reasons. I know I've wanted to call it quits on a few occasions but I just couldn't bring myself to walk away and be responsible for maybe shattering the dreams of two people I cared so much about - The decision was taken out of my hands in the end.
I don't know what else to type really so I'll simply end this post by saying that I will miss them and the friendship and that I don't regret any of the journey we shared and by thanking them for the past 9 months - There are no hard feelings from my end and I wish them all the luck in the world, wherever they go from here.
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