Go Go Go!

Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12

Following on so that I can keep track:

Cycle 7: Length: 24 and LP: ? (not tracking ovulation obviously)
Cycle 8: Length: 26 and LP: ?
Cycle 9: Length: 27 and LP: ?

Yes, the AF eagle has landed and so this is IT! In about 16 or so days, we'll be in our first 2ww. How exciting!

The Necessary

We're moving along nicely, getting contract details finalised and just enjoying the calm before the insemination storm.

Both had their testing done and we've had 3 out of 4 back. All fine. Infact, more than fine and one has taken to calling himself 'Mr Stallion' after having what should be considered an impressive count! In all fairness though, both are perfect so no problems in that department and I'm definitely not going to make anyone feel inadequate!

It's weird when you are looking at same sex surrogacy though, the things you have to consider that you didn't before. Such as, who will be the donor - that threw up a lot of things and even more so since both have no problems in that respect as we now know.

Still on for an early January start, I've very excited and more than a little nervous but we get on really well and it feels like a good, comfortable relationship already which I hope bodes well.

Cycle Update

Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12

Following on so that I can keep track:

Cycle 7: Length: 24 and LP: ? (not tracking ovulation obviously)
Cycle 8: Length: 26 and LP: ?

Matched!

I can't believe it, I can't believe I hit the jackpot!

Introducing my new couple - K and B, married and from about the same distance as my last couple away. I really warmed to them from the moment their initial e-mail dropped into my inbox. It was original and honest and I could feel their warmth from the start.

I have, no lie, had an e-mail this week from an IP which read simply 'you have baby?' So to find an introduction that sticks out and for the right reasons, is pretty rare I tell you.

We met today for lunch, following on from tons of e-mails between one another and it was great, well all apart from K almost having to do the Heimlich Manuveur on a fellow diner. No-one can ever say our first meeting wasn't memorable for a few reasons!

There was a really funny moment where we met in the car park and I was handed a box of free range chicken eggs from their own chickens, it was like a 'we'll give you our eggs, you give us yours!' moment. Really helped break the ice. And they brought me two really cute flowering plants too, they know how to impress!

3 hours later and we had to dash off but not before agreeing that we wanted to match. Both had grins from ear to ear and I wasn't far behind!

So excited to get this party started, just the small matter of some necessary tests for all of us and the necessary contracts and we're off. Hoping that 2011 will be the start (and end!) of something very special for everyone.

:o)

Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12

Cycle 7: Length: 24 and LP: ? (not tracking since I'm not matched)

So, I tore this blog down from the public domain after being dumped by my previous IPs. I'm however back and feeling ready to find a new and deserving couple and as such, start my blog again - even if I don't step back into the public limelight just yet.

As it shows, AF has arrived. Earlier than expected and I'm not sure why. Maybe I ovulated early, since I'm not tracking, I've no way of knowing. Or maybe it's stress what with the IP situation and then being ill only a week ago. Who knows. Hope it's just a fluke because I *really* don't need any weirdness with my cycles and especially them getting shorter!

I'm talking a few IPs right now but no-one is screaming out to me to help. I've already decided that I won't be doing anything like insems with anyone until early next year now. Give my mind and body a rest. Not least because I have two prcoeedures coming up on 1st December that mean I can't be pregnant and that it wouldn't be sensible until I get the all clear to get pregnant.

The less said about my former IPs, the better. I'm over it for the most part but really, I can't think of much that would be flattering to say about them and their conduct right now so it's best if I just keep quiet! Their loss will is greater than mine at unmatching.

So, that's where I am right now. Static but enjoying the 'view' in the surrogacy world. No doubt I'll be back soon with more ramblings.

It's Goodbye From Them

My IPs have decided to stop their surrogacy journey.

Since this is my blog, I'm going to vent here and I don't mean to come off selfish and only thinking about myself right now but if I can't be honest here, where can I be.

IPs have had a hell of a lot of bad stuff going on in their lives lately and have found the stress of the surrogacy journey added to that has just got too much.

They are essentially taking a break but don't know for how long or even if they will start surrogacy once again. They've said that it would be unfair of me to wait for them, for something that might never begin again.

Thing is, surrogacy was never easy for me (is it for anyone?) but I found it incredibly hard putting myself out there and stepping into the unknown. I don't make friends easily, I find myself anxious around new people and unknowns but I did it and I hit the jackpot first time when I found my IPs. Everything from that point of view was perfect. It wouldn't be easy to find that again and I'm not in this from a 'business' point of view, I've invested my time and my heart from the start and I can't just switch that over to someone new.

At this point, I'm unsure if I'll persue surrogacy any further, which brings up a lot of emotions from my point of view. The feeling of failure I feel is crushing at the moment, that I let them down, let myself down and my body let me down. Doom all around in my house right now let me tell you.

We only tried for 5 cycles and although they were incredibly stressful from my point of view, I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet. I know I can't comprehend how horrendous it was for my IPs but it just seems such a waste to give up when we've all come this far.

I remember reading, and I believe I've posted about at the start of this blog, that a lot of surrogates give up at the 6 month mark. I didn't think it happened to IPs too. I was wrong.

So that's my update. I've no idea if I'm going to have a use for this blog in the near future but here it will stay, not least because it's part of my life that I don't regret for one single minute and it wouldn't feel right to just take it down and 'take my toys home' because it didn't go as I planned.

Thank you for jumping on and joining me for this whirlwind of a ride, I'm only sorry there wasn't a happier ending at this point.

6 & We're Out

Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12

Yup, she arrived. *sigh*

I try and not wallow in self-pity because well, we have only been trying for 6 cycles and because however I'm feeling, really I have 3 beautiful children at the end of the day and my disappointment at AF's arrival is nowhere near what it must be for my IPs but fucking hell, I'm sad when she arrives.

Yet again, my body fooled me into thinking that we'd actually hit the jackpot. I swear if you know me IRL, you'll know I'm not prone to being sucked in and convincing myself of phantom symptoms, I was ttc myself for long enough to know all the tricks AF has in her books.

Finding this 6th cycle very difficult to swallow. I guess IPs and I now have to have that talk, about where we go from here. Although we had an annovulatory cycle, it's still been 6 months which is what was in our contract.

Anyway, that's where we are right now.

The silver lining to this dark hormonal cloud is that my LP lengthened. Well I had some pink bleeding very late last night but I don't count that as Day 1 as the full red stuff didn't begin until around 5am this morning.

I had heard good stuff about Vitamin B6 for correcting a short luteal phase and so I was taking just the standard top-up amount of it during this 2ww.

Apparently you're meant to take at least 50mg (I have 10mg) to see any effect but it seems that even a lowly 10 is doing something to my body which can only be a positive thing! Hurrah, it's not all doom and gloom. :o)

Uh-Oh

Hanging on in there, despite some signs that aren't encouraging.

I have an eye flare-up again which despite being agony and unsightly, could well indicate AF is on her way. Hormone fluctations can cause it. Though it could be due to stress or just be one of those things, a coincidence.

And I'm in a really foul mood and have been for the past 2 days. PMT or something else? Time will tell.

Add to that, that I think my middle child has the beginings of the dreaded chickenpox. Small blister on the top of her foot this morning but I'm pretty sure it's that as it's going around the school and our area lately.

I've thankfully had it myself and the oldest has too (he had it when I was pregnant with the pox girl herself) so that just leaves the youngest to catch it now.

Won't be much fun if she indeed has it as she has her cast on, imagine that itch. :(

On a side note, I've found a really good site for charting your 2ww symptoms - whether pregnant or not. I think it's a good idea as I don't like putting my symptoms out there incase it's nothing.

www.countdowntopregnancy.com

I figure that even if I'm not pregnant, it will give me somewhere to store my signs so I can compare it cycle to cycle and hopefully notice more easily if I am in future.

3DPO

Of course there is nothing to report but just checking in anyway.

The crazy itching to test hasn't started and I hope it doesn't any time soon. I don't think I can take any more negative tests staring me in the face, or worst still an evap result test!

Annnnnd, We're Still Going

About 10 minutes ago.

CD16 and we're still a'surgin'it seems.

I can actually feel my ovaries practically pulsating and I'm not joking either. Feeling very full there and lots and lots of twinges. This is going to be one good egg this cycle I reckon.

Ahh, That's More Like It!

See the bottom IC test? The result line is darker than the test line. Yes, that's a nice + on the ole' IC OPK alright. Backed up with the + on the digi.

Should read 15 - PM though. Been so busy this morning that time's escaped me and I forgot we're now in the afternoon.

IPs are planning a trip here this evening. Yay!

CD14 - Blimmey It's Early!

But we got our smiley on the digi! Very unexpected indeed, that's super early for me. I can only guess it's either just a fluke or actually, and more likely, it's a false surge which means the hormone surges but not enough to actually release the egg and my body will try again and ovulate around normal time in a few days. Only time will tell.

Anyway, as usual, a smiley face meant all systems go. It well and truly threw my IPs but they rose to the challenge and IF made it down this evening for an insem. They hope to be back either late tomorrow or Saturday. IM couldn't get out of work and so he went solo. We did fine though.

We were expecting the + on Saturday which would have been do'able all round. IPs are off and had planned for an expected trip to my neck of the woods.

I got a negative around 7:30pm last night, the positive around 11am today and by 8:30pm, it was negative again so we timed it right.

So, tomorrow we begin the 2ww unless we find otherwise. I will take another OPK tomorrow to be sure it's negative and unless I see any signs of ovulation again, I won't test any more and assume the egg has left the building.

Had a few days from hell. My poor daughter has broken her arm and we got a flat tyre yesterday. Today was bad too with my eye problem flaring up and then my mobile phone being stolen/lost. I'm surprised with stress levels this high that my body hasn't gone into shutdown!

I had the ovulation test photos as usual, on my phone though so with that gone, you'll just have to take my word that I got the smiley! :o)

And We're Off Again!

Just steaming along until our next insems, which should be in exactly a week.

Started pee'ing on sticks as usual and just waiting for the word. I'm taking a digi each afternoon, along with the IC, so we definitely don't miss that surge.

IPs have been dealing with funeral arrangements and that has meant they've not yet really processed last month's failed attempt. So much for them to deal with all at once.

I, on the other hand, have been quietly stewing on it and it took me a fair while to feel optimistic and to put the last cycle behind me. I had a dark few days if I'm honest and it really did hit me for six.

And, whilst I'm being honest, I felt worried that things had shifted between IPs and I and that even they were begining to wonder if they'd picked the right surrogate in me. I've spoken with IM though who hasn't indicated that that is the case and I hope that I can prove myself to them by getting that BFP and soon.

I'm begining to doubt my fertility. Am I too fat to conceive, am I even ovulating, are we doing insems the right way and am I even fertile any more? All questions (and there's more) that I've been asking myself.

Still, I can only deal with the here and now and for now, I'm determined to approach this cycle with positivity as always and just hope for the best. The odds surely must now be swaying in our favour? I hope so, 5 of 6 and the pressure is most definitely ON.

No Dice

Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (very ill, late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 (annovulatory cycle)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11

She arrived around 11pm last night.

I'm just furious with my mind and my body. How cruel to play such convincing tricks on me. I'm pretty level-headed but this time I got sucked well and truly in, to believing I was actually pregnant.

Sorry this post is full of anger and upset today, I hardly slept for waking up and remembering that AF had indeed arrived and I should definitely just hole up and avoid everyone today until it's out of my system.

I can't imagine how my IPs are feeling, this was definitely a really trying cycle for us all.

I'm just glad I didn't tell IPs about what I know now was obviously an evap on a test. Again. What is it about me and evaps? 3 brands, 3 cycles, 3 evaps.

http://www.canyouseealine.com/view_home_pregnancy_test.cfm?testID=8353

I was always very cautious about this test but I'm only human and so I tried to be optimistic nonetheless.

Anyway, normal service will be resumed soon when I'm done with sulking and feeling sorry for myself.

Negative

At 12DPO and using a FRER.

Trying to step away from Google because in the absence of a + test, if's, but's and maybe's mean nothing.

We'll beat all ovulatory cycles in length, that we've had since ttc so far, if she doesn't arrive today.

Nothing else really to say at this stage.

Here We re at - 10DPO

And no AF. I have however had cycles with a LP of 11 days so there's still time yet, I'm not officially absolutely late until Saturday rolls around. Following usual stats, I'm expecting her tomorrow though.

IPs relative passed away this morning, although expected, it was still sudden I think and obviously a painful time for them. I would love to give them the news that they are to be parents, I don't think I've ever wished so hard on a cycle as I am on this one.

I still have some *saying it quietly so as not to jinx myself* possible pregnancy symptoms going on. Means nothing I know. I'll only allow myself to detail them if I do indeed turn out to be pregnant. Otherwise I'm keeping my psychosomatic symptoms to myself to avoid embarrassment!

Worryingly though, I've had some low down tummy rumblings on and off all day. I hope they are of the good kind. It's nearly time for bed here and so without the appearance of AF for today, our hopes are remaining high for now.

If you believe in that kind of thing, please say a little something for us? I'm not religious so I make a point to avoid asking for these things if possible but really, we need and if I may say so, deserve, the miracle this cycle.

Holding On

Currently 6 DPO and life is crazy here so it's flown by.

IPs relative is still holding on, she's a fighter for sure. And now it's my turn to experience hospital, my father-in-law collapsed yesterday and it's all unknown at this point. At least it's keeping all of us occupied during the tortuous 2ww.

I do have some possible pregnancy symptoms but we all know how that works. I just have to be patient and we'll know soon enough.

I've been holding the Lingam given to me by IPs, I carry it in my pocket during the day and hold it under my pillow at night.

Wouldn't it be lovely for IPs relative to hear the news that she's a Great Grandma, before she passes? I think so and so fingers are crossed that attempt 4 is a winner!

Guess What?

Guess what greeted me unexpectedly yesterday afternoon?

A smiley face on an OPK! Yes, another.

I was shocked, I only took it because, well, I did and so imagine my surprise when a :) popped up at me.

Weird as I had my + the day before as you saw, then it went to negative that evening which signalled what I thought was the end of ovulation. And yet the following afternoon, a + appeared.

Luckily we'd done the 2nd insem that morning so we had managed to do what I'd wanted, an insem the day BEFORE the surge - albeit accidently but still, pretty good timing I'd say.

When I removed the Instead Cup before bed last night, it was full of ewcm so I know those swimmers had some good medium to help them power North.

Now we're officially 1DPO and the nail-biting begins once again!

Only A Few

I've only had to take a few tests this cycle for once! And here they are.

Cycle 5, attempt 4.

Top one is from this morning so with yesterday evening and this morning's OPK's present. The bottom picture is from yesterday afternoon up to where I got the + digi.

You can see (I hope, rubbish camera on phone again) that they progressed nicely but where I got the + digi, the IC (internet cheapie) was blatantly a negative and then when the IC was positive, the digi was negative.

At least now I know which tests work for me and which don't.

Oh and 2nd insem done and dusted. 2ww, baby!

Internet OPK - 0, Clearblue Digi - 1

My OPK's have been slowly getting darker, the one this morning was dark but negative and then I tested again around 2pm and although the internet cheapie showed what was to be considered a negative, I had opened a digi absent-mindedly to be honest but thought no use in wasting it and took it. It was a BFSmiley!!

So the internet cheap test didn't pick up my surge. I knew they were well dodgy!

And then, I took another one just before IPs got here and the internet cheapie was even darker than this afternoon so pretty much positive and yet the digi now showed a negative.

Go figure.

Anyway, my IPs were coming down anyway, we'd actually only arranged that this morning, to do an insem as we were expecting the smiley either tomorrow or Sunday so it all worked out well in the end.

IM said she felt that today would be the day. Funny how it works out, I know we both often have a sense of things happening during our journey.

Poor IPs have had a helluva time lately with a poorly relative and then with IF having his beloved car vandalised. I think since last cycle, when it was a bust, we were all really geared up and focused on this cycle working out when we most needed it and timing couldn't have been better.

So, tonight's is done and they'll be back tomorrow to do another.

I'm feeling very confident this cycle - I've probably just jinxed us but even if it's not to be then at I'm going to enjoy this positive feeling whilst it lasts regardless.

I got a really lovely Buddhist Shiva Lingam from my IF - Google it if you don't know about them. So sweet and I really hope it brings up what both IPs and I desire the most.

2ww, here we come! I'm all jittery and excited, haven't felt this way in a while now.

Quiet Times

There just hasn't been much to report.

I'm currently on CD11, OPK testing began today. I am stocked up with digi tests and some cheap ones and we're off on the rollercoaster once again.

My IPs are dealing with a family member seriously ill in hospital and so contact has been minimal the past week but we're managing to keep up via text and then by e-mail when we can. I'm also busy with the final week of the school holidays though so I'm proabably as distant with communication as they are. No problem though, we understand one another well enough for it to be fine.

Barr anything terrible happening to the relative, we'll be seeing one another in less than a week. IP's won't be staying here as they are needed close to home obviously but we're used to things now so that won't present a problem.

Oh and I must throw out a 'hello' and a wave to my IPs who are now reading this blog. I finally got around to telling IM and giving them the link. Apparently IF had thought he should write one with a catchy title (I won't embarass him by saying it here) and I definitely encouraged him to do it. Surrogacy is still such an underground thing that publicity, of the good kind, mind, can only be a positive thing so, J, get those fingers a'tappin'!

AF

The AF eagle has landed.

Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (very ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 (annovulatory cycle probably)

CD26

And still nothing. I wanted to show you how many test sticks I've got through this cycle, I began testing on CD12. Down to only 4 tests left and we won't be buying any more this cycle.

Where you see (if you can since my scribble is so illegible!) the circle with the - inside, I used a digi to confirm it wasn't positive.

Seems a lot of surrogate friends have had crazy cycles/ovulation this month, maybe it's a high tide or a full moon or some New Age bullshit that's to blame? LOL.

Now I'm desperate for AF to show so we can draw a line under this and start afresh for cycle #4.

Gushing

We had a wonderful day together, IPs and I. They are on holiday as I've said and plans to eat out were thrown into disarray last night when my middle child decided to throw up and I wasn't sure if she'd be well enough to travel or if we would even be able to leave her to meet up. Luckily it was a very short one off thing.

My IPs invited us to their holiday accommodation which was very sweet and even more so considering their 2 cats were with them and I was worried my noisy children would scare the poor creatures.

Whilst my hubby, IF and the children took a look around the holiday site, a working flour mill nonetheless, IM and I sat and over coffee, talked quite a bit. Usually we only have time for superficial chat between insems and with me having to rush back to my life but today we took the time to talk a bit deeper, especially about surrogacy stuff. I was able to ask some questions that had been on my mind and I think IM had the chance to do the same and gain more reassurance about our journey. It was just, well, lovely.

We went out for dinner and my children love them like they've been part of our family for a lot longer than they have.

We returned to the cottage for a final coffee, where IM sat cross legged on the floor playing various games with my children. The same children who have the attention span of, well, a 4 and 6 year old (the baby was with Nanny at home for this visit), were enthralled whilst IM taught them how to play dominoes properly and Snap and then finished it off with playing with some Fuzzy Felt (if you're a child of the 80's, you'll know what that is!) It just made me even more determined to make my IPs dream come true. These people were destined to be parents.

Finished off our visit with my hubby and IF getting really deep into discussion where I felt boundaries, on both sides, were broken a little and both moved onto another level of comfort with each other, which was really great to see. It can be tough on the men involved in surrogacy, it's not just the hormonal women who can struggle with the situation.

We left with big smiles and lots of big hugs, still no sign of ovulation but feeling confident that it will be within the next week which means another visit with these wonderful people. I can't wait! I needed today.

Still Waiting

Feeling a bit blue about it if I'm honest although it's not all due to surrogacy/late ovulation stuff but still. Blah.

My promising OPK's are now crystal clear negative. Infact, I swear the evening's one that I just took had an evap line. LOL. Now it's just playing with me!

Weird how it happens that you get so close and then go back to square 1. No wonder my body has decided not to play ball though, I realise I've got a sensitive system as this often happens when I'm super stressed out. And yes, I know in that case, I should chill but easier said than done.

So, we wait a bit longer. I had to order some more tests myself since it's obviously going to be a long cycle. So hoping they turn up before I run out or else I'll be popping to the shops to splash a ton of IP's cash buying some digital ones to see me through.

One thing I read about OPK's on one site selling them was that you can consider a test line that's *almost* as dark as the control line, as a positive. Since when?! That's not what every other site says and if it's true then good job I backed up the almost tests with the digital to confirm they were a true negative. Some sites just make you paranoid I swear.

Anyway moving on, feels odd that I thought I'd be in the 2ww by now and I'm not. I'm seeing IPs on Saturday, we're meeting at a city farm for a picnic with my children, looking forward to that but it would be even better if I ovulate before then so that's done and dusted and we can all just relax for another cycle.

IPs didn't want to do an insem regardless of whether we get the + or not in the end this week, before they head home on Sunday, which I felt was a bit of a wasted opportunity. They are so few and far between, we really should be snapping them up but that's not for me to decide or push the point. I offered and that's all I can do and I'm fine with whatever decision they come to.

Hopefully my next post will be to say we're on the 4th 2ww.

CD16

My usual day and yet still no ovulation.

My tests are showing encouraging signs, heading towards it but nothing concrete yet. IPs are away on holiday and my stash of OPK's is getting low. I've enough for about another 3 days so may end up purchasing more myself and being reimbursed. No big deal though.

When I get a close to + looking test, I back it up with a digital one but feel a bit guilty wasting them when it confirms the negative. Those things aren't cheap!

IPs are in my neck of the woods for about another 5 days so we're all hoping that I get the positive before they return or else that would be seriously annoying.

I'm pretty stressed out with things here so it wouldn't surprise me if ovulation were to be delayed. I've tried to chill as much as possible but Mother Nature has a mind of her own despite best intentions.

AI musings

I've been doing some thinking and some research and I'm not so sure Instead Cups are good for AI (artificial insemination). Sure it makes sense that they could only help with ttc but actually, if that's the case then why aren't they FDA approved?

Now, I don't claim to know anything behind FDA stuff. For starters, I'm not American so why would I but if it's a no-brainer, that they are safe to use for the purpose of AI then why has aproval not been granted?

I don't know what might mean it's not good enough to get the official thumbs up but it just doesn't add up. Is using one any better than just doing the necessary last thing at night and staying horizontal?

Whilst we're on this subject, I'm also not sure this syringe method is working out well either because I seem to have an issue with some, erm, well, squirting back out. I'm sorry if that's TMI but if you're reading a surrogacy blog then chances are you know what it will contain so toughen up!

I know all about not placing the syringe too close to cevix or else you'll get splash-back and I'm careful not to. Also I know from health professionals over the years, that my canal is longer than average so this should lessen my chances of leaking but apparently not.

It only takes 1 sperm I know but if you can get a good few million there to race to the finish line then that's obviously much better.

And the alternative of putting the sample straight into the Instead Cup isn't going so well either for me. Just to be awkward and all that. I find that the bottom of the cup gets forced so far up when putting it in, that some can't help but to be pushed over the edges and out. Wastage yet again.

I'm thinking we really should just try something like this:

http://homeconceptionstore.com/components.html

Mainly just the cup with tube part I'm talking about. That way you can be sure the placing of said cup is correct without worry of its precious 'cargo' escaping en route and then you can do the necessary with precision.

Seem a bit too clinical for only our 4th attempt? Hmmmm.

Down But Not Out

This bust cycle has hit all of us particularly hard it seems. IM even threw a sickie from work which she said is very unlike her but she just couldn't put a brave face on things.

I know I'm certainly feeling downheartened. None of us expected it to work first time or even second time around but there's a feeling of hope with the 3rd. As I said in a previous entry, lots of mutual friends have had luck with the 3rd round and I think we'd all put our energy into it being *the* one for us too.

We timed it perfectly and it just felt, oh I don't know, right, you know? We had lots of special dates between us, it would have been perfect to have been the winning cycle but it just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason.

Now we're at the tipping point, over half-way of our contracted cycles. It's an uncertain place to be if I'm honest. I'm wondering what my IP's are really feeling at this point, if I asked, I'm sure they'd tell me but I'm not sure in this hormonal state that I want to hear what they might say.

I don't want to use this blog to whinge and wallow in pity, that doesn't make for good reading now does it but I need to express how fucking hard this surrogacy stuff is. I was never naive enough to think it'd be a breeze but it messes with every emotion and winds its way into every single day of your life.

I have faith and hope that my wonderful IP's will one day hold a baby of their own and I desperately hope I get to make that happen so we'll pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and steam onto round 4.

The Rollercoaster Has Stopped

Well for this cycle anyway. AF arrived this morning.

Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (very ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10

And not only have I got the tail end of 2 coldsores as well as her arrival but I woke up and today have a sore throat and blocked nose. Someone doesn't like me this week do they?

I might look into something to lengthen my LP this coming cycle, what I don't know. It's always been on the shorter end of normal and since I managed to get pregnant, I wasn't ever worried but this situation is entirely different. Maybe I'll approach my GP about it this week. I wonder what their reaction will be to my surrogacy journey and not only that but whether they'll be more eager to help? I know when I was ttc my own children, the standard was to have been trying for 6+ months or more before they'd consider any assistance (even medication) but as this is for someone else...

I think the fact I have had 3 healthy pregnancies will play against me though.

Gah

I think it's more upsetting to take a test early and get a BFN than to just wait until she arrives on time, being none the wiser as to what was coming and having hope until that moment.

I really need a 12 step programme to wean me off peeing on pregnancy tests. FTR, I've only taken the 2 last night but that was 2 too many.

And I feel really crappy for giving in and showing myself up publically on my blog for the weak-willed saddo I am!

Oh well. If she really is lurking like it appears she is, I can blame this post on hormones. Pity party for one please!

Faulty First Response Test (NOT MINE)

Click on it to enlarge.

Just Desserts

Yup, I got mine.

I caved and tested tonight, I'm rubbish I know but hey, be fair, I held out for 9 days which is more than I usually do. By 6 DPO I've usually used up my entire supply of tests.

Anyway, this is what happened, posted this on another board:

'I was searching on the internet after a dodgy result with FRER and I think I've fallen foul to this dodgy batch.

I am only 9DPO but took a test this evening and saw a control line and then on the left, where the test line is, 2 very short pink lines. Like not from top to bottom, but just at the top. I thought I also saw the very left hand sided one go down to the bottom.

I looked again after about 10 minutes and the entire test, apart from the control line, is negative. Nothing there at all.

As a surrogate, on cycle number 3, I was very excited for a split second. Everyone raves about FR and I've never had a dud result before but it only takes one to put you off a brand for life when dealing with this rubbish at such an emotionally charged time.

FYI, the expiry date was: 11/2011 and batch number was: BU9243DC

It was a pack of 2 and the other test was fine, as far as I can recall.'

Read the first post of that thread and you'll see it's a long-standing problen with FRER tests: http://www.babyandbump.com/pregnancy-tests/265092-faulty-frers-please-aware.html

The poster in there put a picture of her dud test and to save you from having to sign up to see, I'll c+p it. Don't say I'm not good to you! I'll post it in a seperate thread altogether.

Mine wasn't like that as I said in my description but since a) the test wasn't meant to have 3 lines, b) the lines didn't stick around or go all the way down and c) the batch number matched the known faulty batch number, I think it's very safe to say it was faulty.

Arrrrgh. WTF is it about me and surrogacy and suddenly taking all the crappiest tests? What with my evap scare last cycle and now this. It's beyond ridiculous. I have taken every brand (well it certainly felt like it) over the past 11 years and I keep experiencing these firsts with pregnancy tests.

FRER is supposed to be THE best test out there. Like hell. This has been known for about 8 months now and they are still out there on sale.

I'm pretty pissed off tonight. As I said though, I got my just desserts for not hanging out. Still, I'd have been much more pissed off if I'd got to period day and taken it and that had happened and I'd seen something pink on the result line.

FTR, I took a Superdrug (generic chemist brand to you non-UK'ers) and it was a glaringly BFN so this cycle is pretty much done and dusted.

I suppose since in the end, my FRER was negative, it was actually correct but not without the heart-stopping, tingly excitement I first felt at seeing something on the test side of the window.

FUCK IT, it's time like these that I wish I drank. :o(

I'm An Addict

My personal challenge to myself, not to test before I'm due, is crumbling. So far, I've held off and infact didn't even give things much thought but since yesterday, I'm desperate. It's crazy.

So, I'm currently 9DPO. Expecting her at 12DPO. I don't have any symptoms but I'm not a believer in analysing anything in the 2WW, I've had every symptom and not been pregnant and that's more crushing than having none and believing this will be another negative cycle.

Thinking ahead to (if we have to do them) next month's insem, it's going to be tricky as IPs are away for a week on holiday. Strangely enough, they booked it ages ago and it's much nearer to where I live than where they are now and so insems would totally be do'able distance wise but they may want a break for a month and so we'll see.

Fingers crossed it won't even be an issue.

Grumpy Guts

Is this the start of the dreaded PMT I wonder?

I do have a lot going on IRL which could explain why I'm an ogre tonight and I certainly am exhausted after several late nights but I prefer to be realistic. It's easier than being disappointed I say.

Blah.

Ramblings

Our second insem went well but was a fly-by stop due to IF having to rush back for work but hopefully it was worth it!

I'm 4dpo but I'm not sure that's actually true since technically the day AFTER your + OPK you release the egg, that would make the day after that, the first day past ovulation but what the heck, I'm not changing my system now. Maybe I'll be more precise and use that method of counting next time but that would make my LP shorter and I'm not keen on entertaining that as being a possible problem, not at only 3 cycles in, so maybe I won't after all.

You should be very proud of me, I've managed not to pee on anything (stick or otherwise!) and don't have any urge to either. Every time I think of anything related to whether I'm pregnant or not, I make myself change the subject. My 2ww is strictly off limits where analysing and daydreaming is concerned. For now anyway.

One Down

And one to go.

We're officially in our 2ww yet again.

IPs got here around 12 and we did the necessary and then we all went to the soft ball centre for the children to run off some energy. IPs met my children for the first time today and it was love all around. My children really liked them which was great to see. My son even said 'I love them, make sure you tell them that!' and I did.

They'll be back early morning tomorrow for insem #2.

I've been reading up a lot about various things to do with cycle, ovulation and conception and really I think it's a lot of chitchat, opinion and research about something that's pretty blinking simple. It either is going to happen or it isn't. I'm trying to take the mellow approach to this whole thing this time around.

Peace out! ;o)

Clearblue Digital, How I Love Thee!

I haven't had a chance to try these out before today, they weren't around when I was ttc my own children so I was very excited to take my first today.

Very cool I must say, yes I know I'm sad and that I really must get out more.

Crappy camera phone shot, apologies.

Good Planning Goes To Waste

Today was crazy and obviously didn't get the memo of our carefully laid out plan!

My son had his op but was late going down to theatre which inturn meant that I was late taking my afternoon OPK to give IPs the go ahead to start the drive down.

I also didn't bank on not being able to find anything to pee into to take my OPK at the hospital. Internet tests have a max dipping line so it's not like I could pee ON it and hope for the best. I ended up taking the digital ovulation test that I'd taken along, anticipating on only using it if the cheap one displayed a + to corroberate what it said, as I could safely pee on that. Those tests are not cheap so I want to use them sparingly for my IPs.

Anyway, the smiley face, (which means the surge has been detected) popped up and I went into a bit of panic. It was 6pm by now and poor IPs wouldn't feasibly be able to race down here in time, plus my son was nowhere near being discharged at that point and I didn't know when/if we'd be home to meet them.

I text IM who said not to worry, they'd come down tomorrow and maybe squeeze an insem in on Saturday - travelling home and back down for it.

So, that's where we currently are. The OPK I took now, so about 6 hours on from my + digi, was negative so my surge appears to have been and gone.

I had wicked ovulation pains all day and my mucus confirms what the tests tell me. This means the egg should pop out somewhere around 6am - 6pm tomorrow, living for 12 - 24 hours so an insem tomorrow should still give us a fighting chance and the one on Saturday will be insurance, a back up. Well, this is what the text book tells us about how ovulation works but in reality, it could be anyone's guess!

Waiting...

My OPK's seem to be very weak so far, for this point in my cycle. I'm hoping I won't have another first when it comes to internet tests but this time with OPK's.

IPs have made plans to travel down tomorrow, I only hope that my body co-operates! IF was due to come alone but he's bottled it and so poor IM is having to travel down tomorrow night with him, then they are driving back and then coming back Friday morning. Now, THAT'S dedication to the cause. If anyone ever thinks surrogacy is easy, they're plain wrong.

I did tell IF that he didn't have to wine and dine me and make conversation and I promised I wouldn't try and goose him around the room or anything! LOL I think in the end, he just wasn't ready to do this on his own which I can understand.

So I'm fervently peeing on sticks, hoping the results matches my optimisim and produces our positive very soon and we can get insems under way.

IPs have the added complication of having to work around me tomorrow as my son's operation is happening. Somehow we'll fit it in. I think they are planning on doing what's necessary and dropping it off. That'll be a new one for me.

That's where we currently are, if you could send some ovulation vibes that would be much appreciated!

Egg Ahoy!

We are hurtling towards another insem already, we're expecting to see one another in 7 days time if my body follows the plan.

Going to be a little tricky if it does as ovulation is due to fall on the day my son has an operation so I'll be tied up with that but we'll work around it.

Sounds like IF may have to travel down here on his own this time which will be interesting as that's the first time and I'm not sure he feels all that comfortable with his part in insems still. We'll muddle through it though.

Feeling a little worried that we're now officially at the half-way point of our contract. We are down for 6 attempts before we review and decide whether to carry on working together or not. I hope we don't get to that point and have to have that discussion.

Everyone keep fingers, toes and everything else crossed for us. These guys deserve this to happen so much.

The Offending Evaporation Line Test

Not sure if you can see it so small on here but trust me, the line is there. Independent eyes have said so. Click on the image above to make it slighter bigger.

You can also view it here, for however long it stays on their server. Copy and paste:

http://www.canyouseealine.com/view_home_pregnancy_test.cfm?testID=7626

Try the invert and gray scale option and see it better.

Cycle Day 1

After a brief brush with an evaporation line on a pregnancy test, she arrived today, a day earlier than anticipated.

33 day cycle, with a 10 day LP.

And let me add a cautionary tale to avoid cheap internet strips, they are rubbish. Well, maybe I'm just a little bitter. I actually had an accurate result when I used them with my 3rd child and have never before yesterday seen an evaporation line on ANY pregnancy test but these ones were dire. I saw this same line again and again and again.

The brand, incase you're wondering, is: One-Step Test by Unitest. In pink and white tear foil packaging. Sensitivity 25mIU. Company website : www.unilatex.com

I made the mistake of telling my IM about it this morning but luckily she was very relaxed about it and concurred that it didn't look right to her either and we'd just wait it out. I still imagine she had a small amount of hope and that my text that AF had arrived would have stung a little. Ugh.

She's Lurking

I know it. I feel very PMT'ish today, I've a whole bunch of symptoms that lead me to believe she'll be here as expected.

I did take a test this morning (9DPO) and it was a resounding BFN. Yes, it's still early and it's not over until she arrives blah, blah, blah but when you combine a negative test with the fact that you feel like you want to rip the head off anyone who so much as blinks at you, that doesn't make you feel too optimistic.

The test basically reflects what my body is telling me so I'm confident in saying that this will be a bust again.

It's been a horribly long cycle to boot, probably ending up as a 34 day'er so it makes the impending arrival of AF even more irritating. We could be on CD6 had my cycle been as I thought it would be and I hadn't got sick before ovulation.

She's actually due on my 10th wedding anniversary on Thursday, lucky me, what a present. Hubby and I are booked into a hotel this weekend as a short get-away break so at least I can drown my sorrows with room service and non-kid interupted sleep.

So, cycle #3, here we come! Hard to believe we've hit the halfway point in our journey already. I know a lot of surrogate friends who've had luck on the 3rd attempt, I hope we're one of them.

Nutty

So it seems I go a bit nutty at this point in my cycle! I am desperate to test which is ridiculous, I'm only 6dpo I know it's stupid and pointless and yet I can hear those HPT's calling me from the kitchen cupboard. I'm going to be a basket case if I don't get myself in check over this. I'm the world's most impatient person which doesn't help.

Trying to hold off until Sunday at the earliest, which is still crazy early to test but what the hell, it's still longer than if I test today, right? Manageable targets is what I'm aiming for!

All Done!

It was relaxed and lovely, as usual. My IPs have a beautiful home and were the perfect hosts. Lots of grins and hugs all round.

OPK was nearly positive this morning (so decreasing) and just now, it's definitely negative so we were spot on with our timing once again.

You get the + surge 12-36 hours before the egg is actually released so it's best to insem then and ensure there are swimmers ready at the egg finishing line, ready to pounce.

Now the official 2ww starts, we've gone from being 8DPO today to 1DPO which is a bit irritating but it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Especially if it works!

Didn't See That!

So, this morning I woke up with a ton of mucus. Just because, I thought I'd take an OPK to see it was nothing and was shocked when it came up the biggest, brightest and most obvious + ever.

I'm supposed to be like 6DPO by our wrong thinking.

Cue lots of mad texting between me and my IPs, both are at work and IF especially has a crazy work schedule this weekend making it basically impossible for them to get back down to me.

Now, it's normally that the surrogate doesn't put themselves out in any way for insems. The IPs do all the leg work but I felt so awful about missing opportunities this cycle that I've jumped at the chance to try and get to them. This is actually a logistical nightmare with 3 small children on a weekend and a husband working nights but with lots of planning and a wonderful Mum on overnight babysitting duties, I think we've worked something out.

Hubby is down for bedtime duty whilst I make tracks, then Mum will come in and take over and he's going to go to work. He has to catch the bus as I'm taking the car, good job I have a wonderfully understanding husband isn't it?! What other man would willingly let their wife jaunt off to do an insem for another man, whilst bearing the inconvienience of also being made to catch the bus! LOL

I feel terrible still but will just suck it up and take a slow and steady drive up. I hope to be there around 8pm as IF doesn't finish until 9pm so getting their any earlier isn't necessary and it means the roads will be quiet.

I'll be staying overnight with my IPs which makes me very nervous also but at least I know I'm going to stay with people who'll look after me well. Looking especially forwards to a big IM hug and a grin.

My ovaries are almost pulsating so yes, definite ovulation activity going on down there! At least we'll be in the proper 2WW after this instead of just guessing.

Just About Alive

Severe influenza with a complication of acute tonsilitis. That's the offical dr's diagnosis on my lurgy.

I tell you, if anyone coughs a little and whines that they have flu, it's all LIES. Real flu is a knock-you-on-your-butt situation. I don't think I've ever felt this bad. Like ever ever.

Anyway, so I obviously didn't make it to IPs again. No way was it going to happen. I can barely get myself off the couch to pee. And wouldn't you know it, this month my mucus was perfect. I had days and days of quality egg white stuff. Argh, so frustrating.

IM keeps telling me not to be downheartened, that it only takes one of them to do the job. I didn't really use the OPK's Sunday as I was so ill but it looks like I may have ovulated that night as the tests Saturday were really close, Sunday's were lighter and then have stayed that way since. Despite me having continued good mucus.

To be honest, I think we're best off expecting this one to be a bust. I just can't see it, I couldn't even read any signs accurately. I'm upset about it but it was out of our hands. It's difficult when you know you're on a time limit of 6 cycles, you're always aware of any wasted opportunities but I can't beat myself up too much about this one.

Pear Shaped

We did the 1 insem and then I woke up yesterday morning feeling like death, I felt so sick and we changed the plan to do a drop-off and I'd insem at home but I just couldn't even contemplate it in the end. So ill.

The plan was/is to travel to them when I eventually ovulate but I think I'm ovulating today and there's no way I can drive 2 hours there and 2 hours back in this state. Oh and poor IM e-mailed me to say she's now feeling dreadful so it looks like not only did I throw a spanner in the works for insems but I gave her my germs too.

Feels like such a flipping waste of an opportunity but what can we do? These things happen. IPs are being sweethearts as usual, saying it doesn't matter, we can always try again next cycle but I just hate to be beaten and am still weighing up whether I can get there or not today.

Insem #1

We decided to give it a go tonight so 1 insem down, 1 to go. At least we'll have some sprinters there ready.

It was so much fun tonight with my IPs. Lots of laughter and we all felt a bit more relaxed in each others company. That may come as a surprise to some given what we meet up and do but that's because we really did form a friendship first, I lucked out with my couple.

Now, come on oh ovaries of mine, give that egg up!

Surprise!

My OPK's are still considered negative. This point in my cycle last month, we had done our first insem so I'm already a bit jittery. I've had a calm few weeks so I can't see why ovulation would be delayed but Mother Nature may have other ideas of course.

I'm unwell at the moment too, I have the headache from hell, a sore throat, the sweats and tonight the intenal shivering and aching joints has hit. Ugh. Bad timing indeed.

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and had planned an evening curled up on the sofa, wallowing but then my IM e-mailed me that she was at the guesthouse that they use when here for insems! Sneaky woman, she hadn't wanted to put me under any pressure so kept it to themselves but she has faith that I'll ovulate at some point tomorrow and the timing will be great.

I'm excited as anything to see them again, we've planned our lunch trip tomorrow and now it's a continuation of the waiting game. They have to leave tomorrow evening as IF can't ring in sick as his employers are now aware of their surrogacy journey and would know instantly that it was a lie. It'll be ok though, I'm close to ovulating I reckon and since sperm can live up to 5 days, if we do an insem tomorrow evening, we'll be covered for this cycle.

So, that's where we are today!

It's Nearly Time!

We're at that time again, I'm due to ovulate tomorrow but these things can't be pre-planned of course. My OPK this morning was darker but not as dark as I remember the one the night before last month's ovulation being.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

We've decided to try the syringe method this month. IM has been looking into it further and asked if I would. Of course I said it was fine, it's their call! It makes no odds to me to be honest, I'm more interested on the final result than how we get there so let's give anything a whirl I say.

My IPs are all packed and ready for the call, they are meeting my 3 children for the first time this weekend also which is nerve-wracking for me as I do what all parents do and pray they behave themselves! I'm sure all will be ok, they are such lovely people and so are my children, even if I do say so myself.

Will update when the big O day is here.

Back!

I've had a lovely 4 days away, relaxing without the children. I needed it, I've been super stressed about a lot of things - surrogacy included. The beach, the late nights and late mornings were much needed.

So, I'm back and really ready to start the insems this cycle, only a week away if I ovulate on time. Yeah! Let's GO!

It's Weird

New things are thrown up to consider with each step of the surrogacy journey the further you get into it which is natural considering it's a learning curve for most. You simply can't and don't think of all the what if's from the start.

I know of several IPs who have been working with a surrogate who suddenly calls a halt to their agreement. It always seems to be around the 3 insemination mark. I assume it's probably because at that point, the surrogate realises that this was never going to be a quick thing, a done deal in the first couple of months and that it can actually take a year or more to hit the pregnancy jackpot.

Just imagine how frustrating it is when you're ttc your own child and your period comes. With surrogacy, you've that extra crushing feeling of disappointment when she rains on your proverbial parade and that's tough.

Little things like seeing my IM update her Facebook to reflect that it hadn't worked this month and all her friends who were watching things with excitement for us, comfort her or taking her 2ww ticker down from the board we both post on, they all sting me a little if I'm honest. Like another helping of guilt is heaped on. Obviously it's not anyone's intention for me to feel like that but that's how it feels none the less.

Honestly, I don't feel as down as this post might appear. My IM was a sweetheart as usual about things, making me laugh when I most needed it and is as optimistic as always. We're both already gearing up for cycle 2, I'm in this until the end - whether that's short or long haul.

It's A Bust

AF is here.

A 27 day cycle, with an 11 day LP, in the end.

Bah. And she arrived just in time to spoil my 5 day kid-free holiday starting on Monday.

Duh!

I have a realised a huge miscalculation on my part, I was confused over the years because I had always thought I got a very very faint positive pregnancy test with my 3rd child, on 11 dpo. It appears I got it 13 DPO.

I had to e-mail my IM and felt like a total fool. I hope she's feeling forgiving tonight as the wait has now gotten longer. I'm sure she'll be ok.

I'm such an idiot, I swear I'm not a novice at this TTC lark, honest!

No News

More negative results.

I'm cycle day 27 (CD27) and at 11 days past ovulation (11DPO).

I know from my OPK's that I did appear to ovulate on CD16 and so as you can see, it is very early for me to say that my negative results so far are true at this stage.

Plenty of time yet. This won't go on forever and we'll know one way or another very soon.

IPs and I are quite calm - them more than me if I'm honest. It'll be great (more like fantastic!) if we get a positive but it'll still be great if my period arrives because it means we are onto a fresh cycle and with a fresh cycle, brings fresh hope.

BFN

I caved and took a HPT this morning, it was negative.

There are a number of reasons why it's entirely possible it's a false negative but at the risk of spending a few seconds listing them and she still arrives on time tomorrow, I won't bother.

My IPs are feeling the pressure. IM said she burst into tears driving yesterday, planning out either a + or - ending to this cycle in her head.

I e-mailed her the result of the test, I know her heart will sink but we'll pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and start planning next cycle. We would have had to of been incredibly lucky for it to have worked out this time.

I'm going away on holiday (without the kids!) next week so if she does appear, at least I've something to lift my spirits. Oh and the fact I can then take an oral medication for the yeast beast that *still* won't leave. Grrrr.

I Haz Them

By them, I mean what I'm pretty sure now are definitely period pains, which I usually get the day before she arrives but I'm not actually expecting her until Thursday which is weird.

I do however have a raging yeast infection at the moment (think bleeding - ouch) and a bit of an upset tum so it could simply be down to that combination. We'll see.

I don't have my other usual PMT symptoms though but most of them are emotional rather than physical and I'm having a stressful time of late so if I did feel them, they are probably clouded by my stress levels.

IM is being a sweetheart, she says the nicest of things. She might not always be thinking them when it appears that this won't be our cycle but she tells me differently and with sincerety which helps a lot. It's easy to feel a bit of a failure, with a fair dollop of guilt thrown in, when it's a probable bust but some kind words soothe the sting a little.

7 Days Past Ovulation

And I feel like my period is on her way. Up until this morning, I didn't feel much of anything but today, I have lower abdomen 'rumblings', like super mild period pains if you will.

I'm expecting my period, if she's on time, in 4 days time.

I am feeling a bit disappointed but hardly surprised, it would have been truly amazing had it worked first time around but you still have hope.

Dreading having to tell IPs, though they tell me they're prepared and ok with it, I know they will still be upset.

Oh and between you and I, I need to pull myself together come the 2ww next month. I may, or may not have, tested at like 4, 5 and 6 days past ovulation. What a dork, as if it would have shown anything! I'm an intelligent woman, this ttc lark is not new to me. I've read the books, skimmed the internet and got the proverbial t-shirt and yet my excitement got the better of me. Well that and my need to pee on a stick again. I really need to keep it together next time.

Checking In

I refuse to post every day of the 2ww analysing everything and anything which will turn out to be nothing but it would be a boring time if I posted nothing!

Bless my IM, she's trying to stay so level headed and calm about it. She can't help but be focused on the wait though. I had to chuckle when she asked if, at 1 day past insem, whether I had any feelings yet (on whether I might be pregnant)?

I felt bad saying that no, I didn't and nor did I expect to. I guess it's just reminded me again of how much they want this to work. I try to gently steer her down and keep her realistic but she's so excited that I feel awful. Goodness knows how bad I'll feel if it doesn't actually work this cycle and I have to tell her. I know a lot of surrogates struggle with that aspect though and there's no kind way of doing it. We all, surrogate and IMs, have to deal with the downs that inevitably come with the surrogacy journey.

Officially In The 2ww (two week wait)

We did the other insemination this morning and that's that now. The nail biting starts.

I had a nightmare morning, we had a power cut which threw the routine all out. I knew I was expected at 9:15am at the guest house and then I realised it was picture day for my daughter but had been so caught up in everything this weekend, she didn't have a clean polo with a logo on it for it so we were dashing around and I had to take everyone (husband and all) in the car for speed.

Then IM text asking if we'd said 9:15 or 9:30 so I thought I'd change it to 9:30 to give me some time to get sorted and down there but after the oldest 2 had been dropped at school, all sorted, I got a text asking if I could come now so since my husband and the baby were in the car too, they got dragged along.

It was much more relaxed for IF today, he wasn't flustered or embarassed. Well I'm sure he was embarassed but he obviously felt able to face me which was an improvement on yesterday! Him, the baby and hubby stayed outside in the car park and IM and I went to the room and the insem was done.

We stood in the car park chatting, IM was in love with the baby and we couldn't prize her away but it was lovely to see. I told IM that hopefully if I saw them next month, it would be for a different reason. Fingers crossed!

I did an OPK again last night and 2 this morning and all have been negative so as long as I don't ovulate again, in the next 14 days or so, we should know if it's worked.

I'm very chilled about it all. The hardwork is done for now and there's nothing more any of us can do. It's just a wait and see approach. I'm optimistic but realistic, I don't expect it to work but am hopeful it will.

First Insems OPK's

Incase anyone is unsure how to read them and what a negative and positive looks like.

Excuse the crappy pen detail on the edge, I took this pic on my phone so it's made it look more rubbish than it is.

You're looking at :: Negative/Getting darker --- POSITIVE --- Negative/Getting lighter

1 Down, 1 To Go!

My OPK was near enough matching this morning but was still considered negative. My IM was on tenterhooks, she'd filled the car up with petrol, got her bag ready, had a cat sitter in place, the guesthouse marked out and had taken tomorrow off of work. All we needed was *the* call. We were hoping for today as IF had work tomorrow and if I ovulated tomorrow, he couldn't cancel his clients and would have to leave it until Tuesday before he could get here. And IM wouldn't have been able to make tomorrow with him either.

Anyway, I tested again about 4 hours later and thought it really looked positive but wasn't sure so I took another about 30 minutes later and really watched the clock to check the time before looking at it and this time, the test line was definitely darker than the control line so this was a GO! Our BFP OPK. I had hubby look at it too for an independent opinion and he agreed that this was definitely to be considered a positive test.

I was a little surprised I didn't see a BFP yesterday as Friday and Saturday my mucus was perfect, whereas today it wasn't as great but all things considered, today was THE day apparently.

I text them around midday and my IM told me the guesthouse said they could check in from 4pm so there were making their way down. I text them about 4pm to find out how they were getting on and IM called me a short while later to say they'd made it and to sort out the final arrangements.

The kids were being nightmares, I think my middle is possibly coming down with chickenpox. Or at the very least, something illness-wise as she is not a happy camper. So I really didn't want my IPs here and dealing with that. I decided to go to them at the guesthouse so I text when I left home and since they are only literally 4 roads away, it worked out fine. IM left IF to do his bit and we stood outside and then in my car in the car park just laughing and waiting for IF to text.

My IM was still grinning like a cheshire cat, exactly as I met her and left her doing back in March. And we just laughed about the craziness of what we were doing. It was light-hearted and conversation flowed easily though which is nice as it just took the edge off of any awkwardness.

Now, I wasn't sure if I should leave out the nitty gritty of inseminations but in the event of another first-timer would there reading this, I'm going to put it in as I know I had no clue how things actually worked and was very apprehensive. I wish I had somewhere that laid it all out for me to read so if you're squeamish - look away NOW!

IF did his bit alone in the room and then me and IM went in after he left. It was funny, the poor man was so mortified, he couldn't even look at me. I'm sure (if we have to!) next time it'll all be a little easier.

IF had put it in an insulated bottle bag to keep it warm but it was literally only a matter of minutes between transfer to be honest.

IM asked if I wanted to use the syringes or the Instead Cups she'd bought me. I opted for the cup as it keeps everything where it needs to be and with me having to get straight back to the children and be on my feet all evening, it was easier and erm, well, tidier.

I asked if she wanted to put the sample in the cup, or me and she said she was too squeamish to which made me laugh as it is her man's! LOL But I went into the en-suite and poured the sample into the Instead Cup and did the necessary and that was that.

We then hugged and walked out to my car and arranged to see one another tomorrow after I've dropped the oldest 2 off at school, to do another insemination. I'm going to continue to test with OPK's until they go negative and then it's keeping everything crossed and seeing what happens in about 11 days time from now. Oh how exciting!

If I'm honest, I'm 99% sure it won't work first time. It's pretty usual for surrogacy to take around 3-6 attempts to achieve a positive. If they do at all obviously. We'd have to be super duper lucky to catch the first go but of course that's not to say I'm not thinking positive and keeping optimistic.

Everything seemed to fall into place this cycle though. With lots of good omens along the way so maybe this will happen first time for us? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

I think I feel ovulation pains as I type which would be absolutely perfect timing indeed! So, watch this space.

Testing Begins

We're now on day 13 of my cycle, I'm using OPK's twice a day to detect ovulation. More waiting I'm afraid,

IM is still like a dog with 2 tails, pumped up and so excited. She has everything in place and is raring to go, just waiting for the call. It's great when you have someone like that as it helps to keep things light-hearted and it could be very uncomfortable and overwhelming. I guess that's why it definitely helps to have IPs that you are at ease with and that click.

I have both phone numbers programmed into my mobile and we've an agreed plan in place when the time is right. I'm still nervous to see how it will actually work, I do not want it impacting on my children. At present, they know nothing about surrogacy and nor will they until they need to and the time is right.

My husband is working a lot of shifts lately, nights at that I'm spending a lot of time home alone with the kids. I'm anxious about timing and that my IPs don't turn up when the children are up and needing me since to them, my IPs are strangers at this point in time.

I'm sure it'll all be fine and work itself out. Every surrogate says the first cycle is the worst as the lack of experience worries everyone, we should be thinking of this cycle as a test cycle basically.

It's funny how even though I, as the surrogate, am playing the biggest part in this journey and yet I'm the one who's most relaxed about it. It cracks me up when my IM tells me my cycle has taken over everyones calenders. Even her works one and the boss!

Hopefully my next post will be to say I've got a big fat positive OPK and insems are done.

Finally!

Sorry I've been quiet but there's really not been too much to report. We were just waiting on the arrival of my period and I'm thrilled to say she showed her face today!

Isn't it funny how any other time and I'd be grumbling that she showed to spoil an otherwise nice Bank Holiday weekend but I'm thrilled this time. She certainly took her time, I'm usually 26-28 days but this was a 34'er. Although I've had the month from hell with stress and I'm just getting over illness so it makes sense it messed her arrival date up.

Hopefully I won't have to worry about seeing her untimely self anytime soon once she leaves. Fingers crossed!

So, now we just wait until around cycle day (CD) 13 when I'm going to start using my OPK's and hopefully we'll see a lovely positive one around CD16-18 and our first insem can take place.

I feel a bit jittery in a way, it's even more real than it was before. We've moved another step closer, I have a feeling with each milestone reached this month, I'll feel butterflies. I hope knowing how things will work, will make it easier *should* we do it all again next month but we're not thinking like that are we? Positive Mental Attitude. Chant it with me, 'P.M.A! P.M.A!'

I'm Not Broken!

I eventually *did* get my positive OPK result, much later than I had imagined it'd happen which stressed me out quite a bit. And then it went negative, to become positive again the next day! Very weird, my cycles are spot on and I always ovulate 10 days before my period is due but this cycle is set to be a longer one than usual which puts our first lot of insems out as a knock-on effect.

I felt pretty worried by these events, almost like my IPs would be annoyed with me maybe for throwing a spanner in the works but then I told myself to be rational and these things happen and that if I stress, that itself can delay things so the best thing I can do is just chill out. My IM is as lovely as always, reassuring me that they are cool and understand the situation.

Health checks are back, all fine as I knew they would be. Life Insurance is all sorted and the contracts are about to be signed so we're all systems go now!

I feel a weird sense of peace lately which given the fact I was worked up, worried, nervous and apprehensive for most of the journey up untl now, is strange but very welcome. I am just ready to begin and see where we end up.

Just waiting on my period now and I'll then begin testing from around cycle day 10 onwards. Once I get the positive OPK, I'll put the call into my IPs who will make a mad dash this way and we'll really get this party started!

Nerves

Tonight I've realised that I am starting to feel really nervous and worried about this surrogacy business. Not because I'm doubting what I'm doing but because I now feel pressure to come up with the goods. To become pregnant, to do what I'm expected to do. And what if that doesn't happen?

This is probably been brought on by the fact I'm testing out the ovulation predictor tests that IM sent me, see if they work on me and whether I can interpret them or not and suchlike. They've been negative so far.

Ok so I only took my first one yesterday evening and then again this evening so it's entirely possible I've simply missed ovulation time and that's why but then I suddenly realised, maybe I'm not fertile, maybe I won't fall pregnant. And that's put me on high anxiety alert.

IM is bursting with excitement and anticipation, it's infectious too so I really really want this to work for them both.

Roll on next month for our first insem experience and until then, I'm trying to remain positive and upbeat and not think of the 'what if's' just yet.

Nothing To Report!

That's why I haven't posted!

IM and I catch up every day but we're waiting on my health check and the insurance details to be sorted and then we're off.

Still both very excited to begin our journey, IM has been painting her house and re-organising rooms already, in preperation for a new addition and buying things on eBay. She says she's trying to rein that in and has resorted to a Wish List instead for now.

So, no real news but we're still on track. Things don't move quickly in the world of surrogacy, especially if like us, you want to do it right.

Come On May!

IM e-mailed me last night and is full of positivity and excitement after getting the bits yesterday for us to start trying. I feel such a warm glow to know that I'm part of the journey to make their dreams come true.

She told me that she couldn't resist this crib she'd seen on eBay and bought it. I think she's still fearful of things not working out but I like to think that her actions are telling me she has hope and whilst there's hope...

I'm just eager to get started NOW but there is necessary stuff that needs to be sorted out first still. IM has done a sterling job on the contracts and sent me over a copy yesterday which is another thing ticked off the list. Now it's just the sexual health checks and I think we're good to go. With my cycles as they are, I'm estimating it'll be middle of May will be our first attempt.

'What next?'

Some of you may be thinking 'what next then?' Well the next stage is for us to draw up contracts. Surrogacy contracts are not like normal contracts, they are not recognised under UK law as being legally binding on either party. It's more like a formal agreement if you will.

These contracts handle every eventuality you can think of. From what scans will be carried out to what would happen should an IP die. It's give and take and most matched couples will tweak them to their own needs.

M has kindly agreed to take over the contract stage and is nearly done and will send it over shortly for me to look at.

Myself and hubby are waiting to get our sexual health checks done, this is not strictly necessary but for obvious reason, wise to have done and in our case, IPs requested it and we're more than happy to oblige.

IPs are shopping today for everything we'll need. All the tests and kits, pots and cups and that sort of stuff.

And we are also arranging my life insurance. Very necessary as I have 3 children to consider should anything happen. Pregnancy is not without risk.

So, that's where we are. Moving forwards, I'm still on Cloud 9!

The First Meet

I was talking to 4 particular IPs at once. That's the thing about surrogacy I find most odd, you have to almost hedge your bets and juggle all the friendship balls. It's basically that you build a friendship and see who you click with the most, you can't help everyone which I really felt bad about. Apparently IPs expect you'll be talking to others and there will be losers along the way.

It became apparent that 1 couple weren't ready to actually take things forward, I liked her a lot though. We'll keep in touch for sure. Another couple got the go ahead to give trying for their own baby one more whirl, I'm thrilled for them and will stay in touch to follow that journey to hopefully a joyous end. The 3rd couple were lovely, there was nothing that put them in 2nd place, it just happens that way, things slightly more click with someone else and the 4th couple, well, I felt a connection with them almost straight away.

IM (Intended Mother) tried for a lot of years to get pregnant but in the end it wasn't possible. She had a total hysterectomy and that was the end of them trying for their long awaited baby themselves. She told me in one of her first messages that people thought they were serious and straight laced, I guess that had put others off. At first it felt stilted conversation, almost like a dating site where neither wanted to put the other off. We moved onto FB messaging and then she told me she couldn't access from work and to e-mail her, for some reason I was hesitant of e-mailing personally but I did and we started to speak several times a day. We both started to relax and warm up, it started to feel like it was flowing instead of polite chit-chat.

That was back the begining of the year and continued, we text and e-mail and talk on our small surrogacy board. I asked what we should do next and she suggested meeting in person. My heart was beating so fast as I typed back agreeing. I am not a social person, a people person. I feel clumsy and tongue-tied, awkwardly filling silences in conversation so I was anxious from the word 'ok'.

My IM is the sweetest, she put a ticker up counting down to our meet-up. She would tell me as the day drew nearer, how excited she was. How nervous her hubby was, even down to wondering what he should wear! Then our day was here.

We met, I was afraid it would be awkward, we wouldn't know how to greet each other appropriately but she met me with the widest smile ever and I just hugged her tight. We were all as nervous as each other but it felt so right at that moment. Knowing *I* had made her smile that wide was wonderful, I'd made her happy already and we hadn't even agreed to work together at that point!

For 2.5 hours, we sat and talked, and ate, and laughed. We laughed a lot. Her and her husband were wonderful, asking enough to be interested but not too much to make me feel as though I was at an interview.

Our time was soon up, we had to get back to the children and they had to start the 2 hour drive home. More hugging, more grinning, I don't think IM stopped the entire time we were together. IM and I had discussed how to tell one another the outcome, whether we wanted to work together but we'd decided that we'd 'just know'. And I did. I wanted to wait, to find out what they thought but I couldn't help myself, just 20 minutes after we parted ways, I text them telling them. Then I nervously waited a while until my IM text back with a yes from their end! I was thrilled, absolutely ecstatic.

As soon as IPs made it home, IM e-mailed me, full of thanks for the wonderful thing we were about to do. I don't think I stopped floating on air all evening and my thoughts last night were filled with nothing but them and the adventure we were about to embark on.

This is IT, this is really happening. Really really happening!

Here I Am!

Well, as the domain name suggests, this is a blog about my journey to become a 'tummy mummy' aka a surrogate.

I'm a first timer and although I've researched it to death for years now, spoken to a ton of people both professional and with personal experience on both sides of the surrogacy fence, I remember being utterly confused about the whole thing and not knowing where to even begin. So, I thought this would be a good blog to follow my journey from start to (hopefully!) finish.

I guess it'd be good to start from the beginning, right? OK, well I've always been interested in surrogacy, just the thought that it must be wonderful to help someone else achieve their dream. I think I first knew about it and gave it serious thought before I even had kids of my own. Ironically it took 5 years to conceive our first child, that only served to fuel my surrogacy calling - knowing what it felt like to long for a child and think it would never happen.

So, back to the story....Over the years, we've (hubby and I) discussed it on and off but hadn't completed our own family and so it was just talk. I did google every so often and joined a board or two to lurk and read but never took it any further.

We realised we were done having children ourselves when we had our 3rd in March 2008. Our hearts were full, our sanity stretched paper thin and our purse strings very much at breaking point. So hubby had the big snip, actually whilst I was still carrying baby#3, and that was that. The baby factory was closed here.

Again, thought of surrogacy drifted in and out of my mind again until just before Christmas '09, I decided I'd actively look into it and google and FB search became my friends. It's still very much underground, if you do google and find sites, they are mainly American as that's where surrogacy is more acceptable and you can legally advertise for/as a surrogate. There are 2 main UK groups but they are mainly closed to non-members, IPs (Intended Parents) have to pay to join but surrogates get in free. I didn't like not being able to view before I took the plunge so I didn't hang around for long.

I always said I could only do Host Surrogacy (aka Gestational Surrogacy) where you use the IPs egg and sperm but the more I researched, the more I felt differently. I could do Traditional Surrogacy. When you consider that a lot of women won't do TS, use their egg, and that most people searching for a surrogate don't have eggs or can't use them then that's a lot of people you might help, being denied straight away. And when you add up the cost of IVF for the surrogate and the cost of getting the IM cycling with them, for HS, you can see why most IPs go the TS route. It's cheaper, more straight forward, faster and has a better success rate as you're not introducing 2 entirely foreign things (sperm and egg) into a foreign environment.

I know some people baulk at the idea of using their own egg, that's biologically related to them and I understand that. As long as you've researched and played out all the scenarios in your head and thought about it long and hard, if you're still ok with being a TS, go for it I say.

So, back to my journey, I did find the courage to put my profile on one site and had contact from one lady, we exchanged just 2 e-mails and she went silent on me. To this day I don't know what I did or didn't say or do but it did hurt my pride and took a few days for me to realise that it obviously wasn't meant to be.

I found several on FB though and saw people basically advertising themselves which actually, is illegal in the UK but still, social networking knows no bounds! LOL So I made contact with one lady who was advertising, to make friends more than anything, and it snowballed from there...Soon I was getting more well known, surrogates are in demand and IPs talk about ones they know who are yet to be matched and I was invited to a more private board.

That was where the real surrogacy journey began...