Journey 1:
Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12
Unmatched:
Cycle 7: Length: 24 and LP: ? (not tracking ovulation obviously)
Cycle 8: Length: 26 and LP: ?
Cycle 9: Length: 27 and LP: ?
K & B stats:
Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Thursday 24 February 2011
Blindsided
Update 18/03/11 : I wasn't sure at the time whether I wanted to post this picture, at the time it was painful but I feel that I've held nothing back from this blog before and I don't want to start doing so now.
So, above is now one of the faint positive pregnancy tests from last cycle (addressed in this post). I can't believe it was only 3 odd weeks ago. Oh. :o( So much has now happened.
It's been a while since my last post and suffice to say the period has arrived but not in the way we all thought she would. We think something went on this cycle involving possibly 3 faint pregnancy tests, lots of pregnancy symptoms and a late-and-usually-very-regular period. You do the maths.
It's possibly been the most horrendous week of my life and certainly K & B's lives too. We've visited places that we didn't ever consider we would and most certainly hoped we wouldn't have to but there you go, ttc, let alone in a surrogacy type situation was never going to be smooth sailing. I guess this is where which crew you chose to jump onboard with, really really matters. Thankfully for me, I think I've picked the best.
There was a very awkward and painful, for me anyway, telephone call between the 3 of us last night but it was definitely necessary to be able to move forwards with things. It involved tears and frankness but I think we all came away feeling we'd reached a deeper level of our relationship and it was positive by the time we hung up.
Let me just say that K & B, despite not knowing what the hell to do when presented with such a situation, absolutely stood by side and stepped up in a way I will never be able to appropriately thank them for. I know it was anything but easy for them to figure out what they were supposed to do or feel, let alone how they had to handle a hormonal and very emotional me. And of course, a special mention must be made to my husband, M, who has taken all of this on his shoulders and continued to be my supportive rock through a dark time.
So, this cycle we think we're just going to take a time-out and let calm descend over us all once again and simply enjoy one anothers company for the time being and then start when we're ready. I'm ok with that, it can only serve to do us all good.
All in all though, we've taken a lot of positives from this cycle, despite all that's happened and it's only served to make me personally stronger and more determined to see my surrogacy journey to its conclusion and hopefully beyond.
Bring it on!
Friday 18 February 2011
Period Day
I feel the usual cramping, backache blah blah blah, strangely though I'm ok with it, though disappointed none the less obvioulsy.
This stage of ttc is never easy for anyone but I was thinking, the main difference with my IFs, compared to my last set of IPs, is that they are just right behind me at every step of the way. Whatever I'm feeling or saying to them, they take it and digest it and come straight back to me. That applies to the good and the bad that comes with a journey of this nature.
There's no sulking for a couple of days, no quietness after one of my texts and no obvious or vocalised annoyance that things haven't worked out. I'm sure they feel that in private and they know that they are always welcome to tell me anything they want, but they are just more sensitive and realistic than my last couple and that alone helps take any pressure off of me.
I've decided that I'm going to take the (what I feel unfortunately) arrival of AF today on the chin and I'm determined not to let it get me down. We've learnt so much about the cycle, my body and most importantly each other this go around. I'm going to take the positives and leave the singular negative way behind. And after all, this was only attempt 2, we may be down but we're certainly not out.
Attempt 3, here we come!
This stage of ttc is never easy for anyone but I was thinking, the main difference with my IFs, compared to my last set of IPs, is that they are just right behind me at every step of the way. Whatever I'm feeling or saying to them, they take it and digest it and come straight back to me. That applies to the good and the bad that comes with a journey of this nature.
There's no sulking for a couple of days, no quietness after one of my texts and no obvious or vocalised annoyance that things haven't worked out. I'm sure they feel that in private and they know that they are always welcome to tell me anything they want, but they are just more sensitive and realistic than my last couple and that alone helps take any pressure off of me.
I've decided that I'm going to take the (what I feel unfortunately) arrival of AF today on the chin and I'm determined not to let it get me down. We've learnt so much about the cycle, my body and most importantly each other this go around. I'm going to take the positives and leave the singular negative way behind. And after all, this was only attempt 2, we may be down but we're certainly not out.
Attempt 3, here we come!
Thursday 17 February 2011
Almost There
There are so many variables when deciding when to take a HPT. Like, when you might of popped the egg out and how long it could of lived before meeting a sperm. How long it took to travel the long (hopefully not winding!) fallopian tube road. When it then decided to dive-bomb head first into your lining and lastly, at what rate the hormone levels decided to get up to full speed. All of those, and more no doubt, have a bearing on when you're going to get a + HPT.
And if you've had children and therefore a + test before, it gets even more complicated. You analyse when you got a result that time, if you had any pregnancy symptoms before that point and so on and so on. Aaaargh.
No real point to this post except to say I'm frustrated, this 2ww was flying by but the past 2 or 3 days have been bad.
I hate squinting at lines, I love a term I read the other day 'line eye' which is what you get when staring too long, and too hard, at a test and switch from room to room to try and influence the result by changing room lighting. LOL. So very true and if you've ever seriously ttc, you will agree.
I've woken up today with the most sore boob ever. Yes, singular, boob. Very odd for me and I wish (and hope!) it's a pregnancy symptom but I just can't get excited. I guess too many let-downs in the past. Still optimistic obviously but realistic - remember that's my mantra throughout this journey!
IFs bought me some Clearblue Digital tests, the new funky ones with Conception Indicator on it but they aren't very sensitive (50mIU) so using them at this stage could give a false result. I love them already because my poor (and they are poorly right now too) eyes can have a well earned rest and this bad boy of the HPT world will simply spell it out in terms that any moron, or in my case, desperate testing fool, can understand.
So, 10dpo and expecting AF either tomorrow or Saturday so the wait is nearly over and we'll soon know where we stand.
And if you've had children and therefore a + test before, it gets even more complicated. You analyse when you got a result that time, if you had any pregnancy symptoms before that point and so on and so on. Aaaargh.
No real point to this post except to say I'm frustrated, this 2ww was flying by but the past 2 or 3 days have been bad.
I hate squinting at lines, I love a term I read the other day 'line eye' which is what you get when staring too long, and too hard, at a test and switch from room to room to try and influence the result by changing room lighting. LOL. So very true and if you've ever seriously ttc, you will agree.
I've woken up today with the most sore boob ever. Yes, singular, boob. Very odd for me and I wish (and hope!) it's a pregnancy symptom but I just can't get excited. I guess too many let-downs in the past. Still optimistic obviously but realistic - remember that's my mantra throughout this journey!
IFs bought me some Clearblue Digital tests, the new funky ones with Conception Indicator on it but they aren't very sensitive (50mIU) so using them at this stage could give a false result. I love them already because my poor (and they are poorly right now too) eyes can have a well earned rest and this bad boy of the HPT world will simply spell it out in terms that any moron, or in my case, desperate testing fool, can understand.
So, 10dpo and expecting AF either tomorrow or Saturday so the wait is nearly over and we'll soon know where we stand.
Monday 14 February 2011
Scan Day
What a way to spend Valentine's Day I know.
The tech was very respectful and quick which was much appreciated!
I have to wait for the official report but she said that she saw no abnormalities or anything worrying. Phew! And that my endometrial lining was 11 which is good for where I am in my cycle. She said one ovary had cysts on it, which I knew since I have PCOS but the other had a dominant follicle and nothing else - meaning no PCOS type cysts on it. Strange when back in 2002, both ovaries were covered in them.
I pushed her and asked if that meant I'd ovulated and she nodded. I'm not entirely convinced that she was sure but that could just be me being cynical!
I've been Googling and looked up scans and I did see the dominant follicle so I have a good idea what I'm looking for. I think, had she said she'd seen a corpus luteum I'd be far more convinced. I'm holding onto the fact that my lining was thick, which only comes with the production of progesterone. No ovulation = no corpus luteum = thinner lining.
So, just the blood test to confirm that tomorrow and we'll have a better, more complete picture of my cycle health and where, if anywhere, we need to go from there.
The tech was very respectful and quick which was much appreciated!
I have to wait for the official report but she said that she saw no abnormalities or anything worrying. Phew! And that my endometrial lining was 11 which is good for where I am in my cycle. She said one ovary had cysts on it, which I knew since I have PCOS but the other had a dominant follicle and nothing else - meaning no PCOS type cysts on it. Strange when back in 2002, both ovaries were covered in them.
I pushed her and asked if that meant I'd ovulated and she nodded. I'm not entirely convinced that she was sure but that could just be me being cynical!
I've been Googling and looked up scans and I did see the dominant follicle so I have a good idea what I'm looking for. I think, had she said she'd seen a corpus luteum I'd be far more convinced. I'm holding onto the fact that my lining was thick, which only comes with the production of progesterone. No ovulation = no corpus luteum = thinner lining.
So, just the blood test to confirm that tomorrow and we'll have a better, more complete picture of my cycle health and where, if anywhere, we need to go from there.
OPK Experiment - Post Originally Begun 14th Feb
And yes, I do need to get a decent pen if I'm going to show my writing. It's not easy writing on something so small, with a dodgy biro but there you go.
I decided to do an experiment this cycle but you won't see this until either AF arrives or I get a + HPT as I'm hiding it until I know one way or another to avoid anyone giving me any advice, me getting my hopes up publically and it being wrong!
Basically, we know if you're ttc, you're always itching to pee on a test of some sort. Having a bulk lot of IC OPKs, I figured that if I'm going to pee on something, these are the perfect thing to use.
I've read a lot that a + OPK after ovulation, can be a sign of pregnancy. Of course it can also be a sign of other things - like PCOS (when you'd have a high level of LH in your system almost constantly) or ovulating later than you thought.
Anyway, to know what's normal for me, I need to know what my OPKs look like post-ovulation to then be able to see any difference in following cycles.
I do have PCOS but I also know that I do not have an elevated level of LH so that as a cause for + OPKs the entire cycle, can be eliminated. And also, at the start of my cycle, I have a clear negative OPK to back that up.
Below is a picture of my OPKs from CD19 - CD22.
Note :: I had positive OPKs, ovulation pain AND fertile mucus. Also I had an u/s scan today that showed a 'dominant follicle' and an 11mm endometrial lining - all indicative of ovulation having already occured.
Now, as you see, the tests do seem to have a 2nd line on them. It also seems to be getting a little darker - consider I'm only 7dpo, that's a good sign possibly but we all know how that works. I guess we'll know what it meant for me, if and when AF arrives.
ETA :: I had this post saved from 14th February (it's now 18th March) but have only just decided to post it after all. And we know how this cycle ended.....I guess there is some truth in the OPK as HPT thing.
I can't show you the photo with the rest of the cycle's OPKs as my computer died and I'm on a borrowed one whilst it's repaired but you get the idea!
Friday 11 February 2011
Love 'Em
I love the fact that my IFs and I are so relaxed, it's entirely different from what my first experience was like. It's feels very real and not just fake niceness, which was more than could be said for last time.
And I miss them when they're not here too, which is a strange concept but it's because we're friends by choice, rather than a forced relationship through necessity.
Such great guys, really wonderful. Which inturn reassures me that they'll be great parents. I love that we're able to be so open with one another too. And boy, do they make me laugh. A lot!
Really important to me is that my husband likes them too, as do my children who they met in full force this week. And they still like me afterwards too, not a bad result I say. LOL.
Basically, this post is just to gush a little about how fortunate I am to have found what is basically a perfect match, especially when other surrogate friends are not so fortunate right now it seems.
And to end - K, no, nothing to report. ;o)
And I miss them when they're not here too, which is a strange concept but it's because we're friends by choice, rather than a forced relationship through necessity.
Such great guys, really wonderful. Which inturn reassures me that they'll be great parents. I love that we're able to be so open with one another too. And boy, do they make me laugh. A lot!
Really important to me is that my husband likes them too, as do my children who they met in full force this week. And they still like me afterwards too, not a bad result I say. LOL.
Basically, this post is just to gush a little about how fortunate I am to have found what is basically a perfect match, especially when other surrogate friends are not so fortunate right now it seems.
And to end - K, no, nothing to report. ;o)
Wednesday 9 February 2011
All Smiles
That's figuratively and literally. LOL.
We're all done for this cycle though! Ovulation, well the tests, continued through into Monday evening and the timing couldn't of been better once again.
IFs have rented an apartment this time around, rather than a hotel and it was such a fantastic idea in the end. We've had 3 days of being relaxed and comfortable in the environment and spent a lot of, what I reckon, was quality time together. Even my husband was more involved this time around and did some bonding with them which was really good to see. Sometimes it's so focused on the IPs and the surrogate and the poor partner just gets swept along as an after thought.
This time around sometimes we did 2 insems a day, rather than just the 1. Odd situation arose and we worked round it and actually it seemed to make things even better in a way. Yes, I'm being deliberately vague at this stage but will share more at a later time.
FB cull is now complete and IFs have now begun their own blog. I'm so excited, it'll be great for them to have an outlet during this journey but also, it'll be great for us to keep up with one another on yet another level. It was very strange reading about myself though!
On the test front, I tried to book my progesterone test today, now we know that ovulation should of occurred but they were fully booked for Friday and Monday so I went with Tuesday morning. It's all a bit annoying really as I'm due my ultrasound the day before so I'll possibly know from that whether I've ovulated this cycle or not - depends if I can sweet talk the sonographer into giving me that information!
I'm sad that another visit has come to an end, it's been so lovely knowing they are just down the road but whichever way the cycle goes, we'll be seeing each other again soon!
And so, another 2ww begins. :o)
We're all done for this cycle though! Ovulation, well the tests, continued through into Monday evening and the timing couldn't of been better once again.
IFs have rented an apartment this time around, rather than a hotel and it was such a fantastic idea in the end. We've had 3 days of being relaxed and comfortable in the environment and spent a lot of, what I reckon, was quality time together. Even my husband was more involved this time around and did some bonding with them which was really good to see. Sometimes it's so focused on the IPs and the surrogate and the poor partner just gets swept along as an after thought.
This time around sometimes we did 2 insems a day, rather than just the 1. Odd situation arose and we worked round it and actually it seemed to make things even better in a way. Yes, I'm being deliberately vague at this stage but will share more at a later time.
FB cull is now complete and IFs have now begun their own blog. I'm so excited, it'll be great for them to have an outlet during this journey but also, it'll be great for us to keep up with one another on yet another level. It was very strange reading about myself though!
On the test front, I tried to book my progesterone test today, now we know that ovulation should of occurred but they were fully booked for Friday and Monday so I went with Tuesday morning. It's all a bit annoying really as I'm due my ultrasound the day before so I'll possibly know from that whether I've ovulated this cycle or not - depends if I can sweet talk the sonographer into giving me that information!
I'm sad that another visit has come to an end, it's been so lovely knowing they are just down the road but whichever way the cycle goes, we'll be seeing each other again soon!
And so, another 2ww begins. :o)
Monday 7 February 2011
I Was Wrong!
And happy to admit it! I am indeed ovulating on time it seems, I got the :) on the digi, backed up by the IC.
My IC was what I thought was positive last night but the digi was negative. I am begining to wonder if we should maybe aim for doing an insem when the IC starts being positive, which is the day before the digi is. That way we'll be making sure we fit an insem in before the surge which is recommended.
Anyway, I'm very pleased. Timing is great as IFs are mototing their way here and hopefully we can get together later on and get things started. I'm so busy tonight but I'm more than happy to ditch those things, this is more important!
Saturday 5 February 2011
I Spoke Too Soon
Yesterday, the day after my post below, the dreaded stomach bug got me too. So, I spent all day feeling very sorry for myself. Being ill with a very sore throat was a double whammy and one that I won't forget in a hurry. Today, I just feel like I've been run over by a large bus.
Anyway, this has meant that I'm now convinced that ovulation will indeed be delayed. I hope I'm wrong of course but you can't have that much stress and illness going on and your body be all geared up and ready to make babies.
IFs are all booked up, ready to come down. This was before I fell ill yesterday of course so we're just going with the flow and I'm hoping my body will surprise me and I'll indeed ovulate whilst they are here next week.
I've been thinking lately about taking a step back from the surrogacy online community, sometimes the overwhelming feeling of everyone having their eyes on your cycles can be quite overbearing. I'm not talking about this blog but more about the forums I am on. I will no doubt still read them, to keep up with friends, but I just think maybe playing things closer to my chest might be a good idea. Relieve some unnecessary anxiety maybe. I'll also be having a Facebook clear out where surrogacy is concerned, for mainly the same reasons.
Think of it as semi-hibernation, well until good news comes along which hopefully won't be too long coming.
Anyway, this has meant that I'm now convinced that ovulation will indeed be delayed. I hope I'm wrong of course but you can't have that much stress and illness going on and your body be all geared up and ready to make babies.
IFs are all booked up, ready to come down. This was before I fell ill yesterday of course so we're just going with the flow and I'm hoping my body will surprise me and I'll indeed ovulate whilst they are here next week.
I've been thinking lately about taking a step back from the surrogacy online community, sometimes the overwhelming feeling of everyone having their eyes on your cycles can be quite overbearing. I'm not talking about this blog but more about the forums I am on. I will no doubt still read them, to keep up with friends, but I just think maybe playing things closer to my chest might be a good idea. Relieve some unnecessary anxiety maybe. I'll also be having a Facebook clear out where surrogacy is concerned, for mainly the same reasons.
Think of it as semi-hibernation, well until good news comes along which hopefully won't be too long coming.
Thursday 3 February 2011
Rough
The entire family has been ill in one way another for coming up for 2 weeks now. It started with coughs, colds and sore throats, we then went though a virus or two, a chest infection, a lot of sickness and ended with probable pharyngitis. It's been ROUGH around here I tell you.
Luckily this has meant my mind's been taken off of surrogacy stress for the past nearly 2 weeks. I had my blood test (Day 1-5) and the results came back as normal/satisfactory. Of course they don't mean much on their own, it's once all the tests and the scan is back, that a picture might emerge.
We're planning on ovulation being the begining of next week but very aware that I've been under a lot of illness and stress which could result in it all being delayed and insems pushed back. At this point, we're playing it by ear.
I have a blood test once I've ovulated and then I've got my scan booked for the 14th - Happy Valentine's Day to me indeed! Exciting in a way though and it means we've something else to focus on in the 2ww also.
IFs are doing well, excited for our next meet up and to see what Cycle 2 brings. We're all going to attempt to play it cool this cycle, last one was just a total mind fuck if I'm honest. I hope none of us go back there this time.
Luckily this has meant my mind's been taken off of surrogacy stress for the past nearly 2 weeks. I had my blood test (Day 1-5) and the results came back as normal/satisfactory. Of course they don't mean much on their own, it's once all the tests and the scan is back, that a picture might emerge.
We're planning on ovulation being the begining of next week but very aware that I've been under a lot of illness and stress which could result in it all being delayed and insems pushed back. At this point, we're playing it by ear.
I have a blood test once I've ovulated and then I've got my scan booked for the 14th - Happy Valentine's Day to me indeed! Exciting in a way though and it means we've something else to focus on in the 2ww also.
IFs are doing well, excited for our next meet up and to see what Cycle 2 brings. We're all going to attempt to play it cool this cycle, last one was just a total mind fuck if I'm honest. I hope none of us go back there this time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)