5 Down & 5 To Go

Half way through this final cycle of Clomid and oh yes, the dreaded bloating returned for this 3rd cycle of it. I hadn't missed it. Not quite as impressive as the 1st cycle but still, just as uncomfortable and something that no lady is happy to see.

Apart from that, the only side effects I've had so far this cycle are that I've been a bit irritable, teary and the usual brain fog, tiredness and hot flushes.

The latter have been a bit worse this time around but I'm fighting off a cold also right now so I think I'm experiencing hot flushes from both which ends up just being one intense heat explosion after another. I could probably attribute the tiredness to the cold too, to some extent anyway, because it definitely seems worse this cycle.

On a positive note, K & B have booked their accommodation for this cycle - It's, would you believe, on a canal boat! They had looked at something similar before but had found somewhere else in the end but this time, it's a Bank Holiday weekend here in the UK and as such, and bearing in mind the late booking, most local places were full but B found this.

I'm not a boat person to be honest so I was a bit nervous when K told me but it's permanently moored so it's not like it's going anywhere. I'm sure it'll be good fun, well once I've been there and reassured myself that it's perfectly safe and not going to end up becoming my watery grave! LOL, over dramatic, me? Nah... ;o)

Still, imagine being able to say to a child that they were conceived on a boat, pretty cool I reckon.

Very much looking forward to seeing the guys again, I actually feel pretty relaxed this cycle - more so than last if I'm honest. I don't know why, perhaps it's just familiarity taking over and so this has become the norm now and doesn't involve so much stress any more. I'm enjoying it though as I know once the 2ww hits, that will definitely all change!

Late Night Musings

It seems that the avenue of fertility assistance from the clinic, that I talked about in my last post, isn't quite the clear cut path we had envisaged, a telephone call from the specialist's personal assistant this morning made it clear that she actually didn't understand our situation at all. This is despite me making it crystal clear from the outset way back in March and in several e-mails that we have exchanged since.

Anyway, the upshot is that the specialist is on the fence about possibly treating us and given the strict laws surrounding surrogacy and treatment by clinics, I absolutely understand his hesitation to commit to anything without full knowledge, understanding and doing his own research but up until this point, he gave the impression that he fully understood our unique situation and had said he was willing (and therefore legally and ethically able, I thought) to assist us. Apparently not.

He has no problem testing us to find out if there is any reason we may not conceive but needs convincing that he can help us any further ie: ovulation induction. He worded it as 'if you can send me any useful literature...' that he can then digest and take into consideration when making a decision. This is on top of seeking advice on the possible legal implications of treating me/us in his clinic. Ugh. That's the word, feeling very ugh tonight. Probably not helped by starting Clomid today either.

I'm still as hopeful as K & B that we will conceive without the need for any further help but it's always nice, as I said in my last post, to know that you have a fall back plan. Just in case. And now there doesn't seem to be one at this point any longer which is crappy.

If I'm honest, I'm feeling frustrated. Mainly at myself, this was not how my surrogacy journey was meant to go at all. I don't think I ever had an unrealistic view, nor time frame, but perhaps I was far too optimistic along with it - considered the worst but expected the best. I don't really know.

I'm still enthusiastic and hopeful every month, I approach each cycle with the same belief - that this will be the cycle, that we'll see that much wanted BFP and I give 100% effort into trying to make that happen but it's getting harder as the months stack up if I'm honest and yes, my mind does wander to that place at times.

It's also the feeling of letting others down month after month that I find so difficult. I know I have said as much before here but it's something that doesn't ever get easier or you stop feeling, though I know logically that I can't be responsible for the failure of a cycle after doing all that I/we can to make it the opposite. And even though K & B never make me think or feel that way, it's how I feel personally anyway and that's a tough pill to swallow.

How can I give up on something, and someone (x2!), that's so important. Exactly, I can't and nor do I want to. I feel I was born to be a surrogate, it's like a vocation, a calling. If you knew me IRL, you would see how passionate and committed I am to surrogacy but, I have to have a cut off point somewhere. Where that is, I don't know and I hope I never get there and find that out but this is just so fucking hard going. I am not a patient person and being completely in the dark too month after month and left at the mercy of fate isn't helping either.

Frustrated, yeah, that's definitely what I'm feeling right now.

OK, enough of that stuff now - We've kicked a new cycle off, have Clomid already doing its job and an awesome team of three ready to kick ass and take on the ttc challenge for another month so let's GO! Cycle 6 is going to be THE cycle, right? Fingers crossed!

Out But All Is Good

I've started spotting this evening so this cycle is pretty much over, expecting full AF tomorrow. We all expected it though so it's not a crushing blow at least, still a disappointment of course but we are all feeling optimistic about a new cycle starting and with that, renewed hope.

I've got a lot happening this week so no time to wallow anyway, even if I wanted to. I will be keeping busy and glad about that, especially during the 5 days of taking Clomid. Ugh, yes, not looking forward to that at all but I know what to expect now at least.

My charting software changed my ovulation date for this cycle again, it's put it back to the day we originally thought! I'm not sure why but I feel happier that that's the more likely ovulation date - everything ties in, the + OPK, my cervical mucus and position too.

On another note, it also means that the date of my blood test was actually well timed, which is a bit of a downer as it means that the result I got (may not of ovulated) was probably right. At this stage, I'm unsure why I may not of ovulated on Clomid this time around but have not really researched explanations either - in keeping with our relaxed approach to be honest. It doesn't matter, it is what it is and nothing we can do can change that. I personally wonder if being ill and stressed meant that no amount of Clomid was going to make me ovulate this time around. Oh well, can't win 'em all.

This will be my final cycle of Clomid from this current prescription and so I have to go back and see my GP to get a further 3 months of it for the start of cycle 7 - if we need it of course but we've decided that actually, should it not work next cycle, that we will have a private fertility consultation. Just as an all round check up and to get a second opinion about whether Clomid is the right thing for the job or if anything else may get it done quicker and easier. Knowledge is power I always say and so I'm very much looking forward to the appointment, which is with a very well respected and experienced fertility specialist. A little nervous as it will involve some invasive testing for me but better to know, than not. The truth I can handle, unknowns - not so much.

Of course, it also helps me to focus on the future by giving me mini-goals if things don't go in our favour this coming cycle. It doesn't mean that I'm expecting anything other than a great result from cycle 6, just that I'm being pro-active and giving us other things to focus on in the meantime which can't be a bad thing. In ttc, you always have to be one step ahead and this is just another example of doing exactly that.

Talking of this cycle, I've decided to change my temping method. I ordered a new proper BBT thermometer, which measures to 2 decimal points. Ooooh, fancy! The things that get me excited these days, so tragic. LOL. I've also toyed with the idea of taking my temperature a different way, for greater accuracy and also it apparently shows calmer temps overall, although mine are not wild by any means. If I do go ahead with that, I'll explain more at a later date.

We are sticking purely with Instead Cups this cycle, we tried the other method but just think that the cups are far easier and actually probably far more effective. I'm happy with that as I much prefer them to the syringe method to be honest.

This cycle, we are going to try and spread insems over a longer period of time. Instead of concentrating on just 3, sometimes 4, days of insems, we are aiming for a day or so extra one side of my fertile phase or the other - perhaps both, we've not completely decided at this point but we want to make sure we are covering all bases.

And we have also decided that this time, we will be doing just the one insem each day. So far, we have mostly done two per day but I think it's just a lot of pressure (both time and mental) for K & B and really, how many couples when ttc traditionally have sex twice a day? Exactly. I don't think it increased our odds that much, if at all, since we don't know if mixing samples, and at that increased amount too, is actually counter-productive.

So, cycle 6 is about to begin and another roller coaster no doubt but as K said, he actually looks forward to the madness and would probably miss it if it were to stop! Crazy as it sounds, I agree. This is the path I chose and even with the ups and downs coming thick and fast every week, month in and month out, I wouldn't trade this experience, or my relationship with the guys, for anything. It's all good, very very good.

On a final subject and since I assume that they still peek in on my blog from time to time, I thought I'd mention it - I found out that my old IPs are matched once again.

At first, I wasn't sure how I felt about the news. It's something that I have considered with my current match, as I bet most surrogates have when the months ttc tick by - how would I feel if it ends up being someone other than me that makes K & B a family but actually, I'm pleased for M & J. That may sound strange, shouldn't I still be bitter? But no, we're all aiming for the same goal and it's not an easy path for anyone and if they are now back in the game with a new surrogate then good for them.

I wish them success and I mean that. It's not a race, they may reach the finishing line before us but I'm done with jealousy when other matches get their BFP, it achieves nothing and is a self-destructive emotion. So, I continue (as I did when we unmatched) to wish them the best of luck with their surrogacy journey.

Scrap That

My charting software decided to alter my ovulation date this morning, I've no idea why since nothing I entered was any different from the previous 4 days of the same temperature and it took it 9 days to decide that it had got it wrong but there you go. Gotta love technology.

So, it puts me back now to only 8dpo and with an expected AF arrival of Tuesday. Blah. I'm not a happy person about it as it means that insems were not as well timed as we'd hoped/thought, in that case. I mean, we did what we did and what is done, is done but yeah, it is kind of a kick in the ass in hindsight.

On the more upbeat side, my chart is still to be considered triphasic and looks great and we did get insems in within the all important 5 days prior to ovulation day window that you're meant to, and several at that so we're certainly not out completely. Optimistic but realistic sums it up best!


ETA : I called my Dr for my progesterone results and they weren't favourable, the level was just 15. As you probably know from my previous posts about it, they have to be 30+ for definite ovulation but anything over 5 is considered 'ovulatory activity'.

Strangely the note on the screen was 'may not of ovulated' and yet when I had a level of 25 on cycle 2, the note said 'no ovulation' so go figure. I wonder if perhaps the lab tech saw something in the sample that led them to believe I may of got my timing wrong and that gave the lower value? Hmmm.

I really am beginning to think I should stop blogging my thoughts, seriously how many times can I publicly be wrong in one cycle? LOL. I do still maintain that I ovulated though, everything fits and points towards it and we all know the blood test is not an exact science. Something has made my temperature rocket like it hasn't before and that's more accurate than the blood test.

All in all though, a bit of downer on what was already a bit of a crappy day after my chart confusion this morning but you know what, I think we just have to say that this cycle is one where we just have no real idea of what's happened but that soon enough we'll know the most important thing - the outcome. I spoke to K earlier and feel better after talking it through and he shares the same sentiment so we continue to wait and hope and will simply just have to see what happens in the coming few days.

On a final note - This afternoon, a friend posted a very apt quote and it says why I'm doing surrogacy and why I keep going even when things get tough :

'Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do'

H. Jackson Brown Jr

As Instructed

K told me I really should update my blog and always the dutiful surrogate, here I am. ;o)

Today I'm 9dpo and it appears I did ovulate after all and we actually did insem at exactly the right time again. So much for my last post!

I had my progesterone blood test yesterday and will call Thursday and see if the results are in. I feel pretty optimistic that I have ovulated this cycle but will await official confirmation before saying it too loudly.

Charting is going well, I appear to of possibly got a triphasic thing going on. If that sounds like a type of long extinct dinosaur, read the following link and make today a learn-something-new day :

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/Faqs/Triphasic-chart.html

As that says, it doesn't mean anything definitively and I'm certainly not getting my hopes up but rather just keeping an eye on things with keen interest.

I'm not charting symptoms this cycle, we decided on that in keeping with the chilled attitude we've adopted this cycle. And I've also already stopped charting my cervical position and mucus. Although K isn't sure if he likes me not keeping track actually!

Nothing else to update at this stage, I've been on holiday with the family and we are all keeping ourselves busy which is helping the 2ww go by quicker. Expecting AF around Sunday so not long to go now, thankfully.

Mixed

This was my view for a part of my long weekend with K & B! Feet up the wall... Never let it be said that traditional surrogacy isn't fun. ;o)

I loved seeing the guys again, we ended up talking a lot for various reasons over the 4 days but yet again, we came away knowing that little bit more about ourselves, each other and the match.

We used the syringe method for most of the insems but did use a cup on a couple of occasions. Unfortunately, my body has decided to confuse us as I had fertile signs from the day I arrived that are still going strong now but only one day of + OPKs but no temperature rise. As of today, ovulation doesn't appear to of actually happened. You are supposed to ovulate 5-9 days after your last tablet, that was 2 days ago. Some sites do say 5-12 but I am not sure I believe that.

It could also be that because I've not slept well for quite a few days now, that's affected my temperature reading and the thermal shift (indicating ovulation has occurred) hasn't been able to be detected. Especially since it seems my shift when I do ovulate is very minimal.

I seem to of caught a virus whilst I was away too and spent the visit feeling pretty rough with a constant headache, racing heart, dizziness and nausea. I felt terrible for K & B as I'm sure I was anything but a fun house guest but apart from one day which I spent under a duvet on the sofa, sleeping, we still managed to have some fun and spend time together.

I think this is going to go one of 3 ways though:

• I will ovulate but later than expected.
• I won't ovulate at all, possibly due to stress/illness.
• I have a slow temperature rise and it'll take a few days to show ovulation on my chart.

Regardless, at this point, we have decided not to do any further insems. We did what we could and have just been caught out by Mother Nature who had other plans. Naturally, I am disappointed since I'm obviously still fertile and this cycle need not go to waste if there is a chance I may still actually ovulate but I have to remember that I'm not doing this alone and it's not all about me and my wishes.

That is actually a very good point I would do well to remember - it's difficult when you have to consider 2 other people and sometimes you won't all be on the same page but that there has to be give and take. And that you can't always get your own way, big lesson for me if I'm honest.

I admit to finding things difficult this visit for a few reasons and if anything, I've taken away that perhaps I am not as important in the match as I maybe credited myself with - that sometimes it's not all about me and my feelings and wants, even though I may be the one with the all crucial eggs and womb. It's hard when you all have some control over a single journey but not one singular person can call all the shots.

It is especially difficult when you remember that before matching, the 3 of you had never met and have been thrown together with one common goal in mind. I compare it to doing a tango, always trying not to tread on toes and constantly moving your feet out of the other persons way. You're always learning and adapting. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, so, cycle 5 appears to be finished and it's not negative to say that it's pretty much given that it will not be successful. All but BBT are secondary (and therefore less reliable) fertile signs and so without that temp jump = no ovulation, and as such there is no way I can therefore get pregnant obviously. It is what it is and I have to make peace with that.

Feeling ambivalent about cycle 6. I'm hopeful, optimistic but realistic and also dreading it too - all in equal measure. Cycle 6 wasn't a great point for me last match obviously and my contract with K & B calls for a conference at this point too. Given what's happened in our own lives, in our match and to us all individually since we signed that agreement, I'm pretty worried....For now, I'm dealing with the here and now though.