Late Night Thoughts

Yup, another cycle, another negative.

Honestly, I just feel a bit over it all. I've been through the cycle emotion mill once again, I was disappointed and sad when AF arrived and now I'm back to being all whatever about it and just planning ahead in the cycle. It's business as usual, nothing has changed, the anticipation is over for another month and we're just back to the routine of my life as a surrogate - it's a bit sad thinking just how 'normal' this has all become to me though.

It probably sounds like I'm upset or feeling sorry for myself but really I'm not, it's just how it is when you've been doing it for so long, cycle after cycle. I'm alright, obviously not happy that we're back to planning another round of insems, I have to take yet more tablets and we have to endure yet another 2ww but it is what it is and I (and my IPs) just dust myself off when AF arrives and I carry on pretty much the same as I have been doing for the best part of 14 months - trying to have a baby for someone else x 2.

So, what have we learnt from the last cycle? Well, that NPC indeed produces every side effect under the sun! It didn't increase my LP, it didn't raise my progesterone levels and it didn't help me stay pregnant (if I ever was obviously). I was NOT sad to have to stop that stuff. Oh and it doesn't raise BBT temperature either, well it didn't in me.

We also learnt that it's true, having a triphasic chart is not a pregnancy sign and occurs in non-pregnant charts. Still, it was fun to get that message on FF, a first for me!

I didn't mention during the last 2ww but I used a different lubricant. Super duper sperm friendly, balances PH levels and nourishes sperm and all that other scientifically proven good stuff. Even if it didn't help me get pregnant, I much preferred it over pre-seed and it certainly couldn't of done any harm. I highly recommend it, if you're in the UK and want to read about, here's the info:

http://www.conceiveplus.com/

And we learnt that yet again Clomid 100mgs does make me ovulate but at what would be a natural ovulation level and not at an increased, medicated cycle level. Is that that problem here? Perhaps. I don't really know any more, I (and various IPs) have spent so long trying to find and fix 'the' problem that I'm not sure I even know what's what any more. All I know is that I didn't need any of this stuff at least 3 times over in my life, to get pregnant and have a baby. Maybe trying to fix what ain't broken, is breaking what is perfectly OK?

Why does it work for some people though - are they naturally simply more fertile than others, maybe they are just more lucky than someone else doing exactly the same thing? I mean, conceiving is a lottery, as I've said more than once on my blog before, it is simply fate. You can try and sway the odds in your favour but really there is nothing guaranteed to work. I think the fact that surrogacy is such big news and you hear about it is because it's a miracle it ever works and results in a baby and so when it does, it's shouted about and loudly - and rightly so.

It can seem so galling to hear of success after success in the surrogacy world but putting it into context, I'm sure there are way more attempts that end in failure than success and I just unfortunately seem to fall into the majority, rather than the minority in that sense.

So this cycle, our newest strategy is we're upping it to 150mgs of Clomid. Now, this fills me with trepidation. Like seriously. I don't like 100mgs and what it does to me and the thought of worse side effects makes me worried. Add in that I'm doing it on my own without medical advice and I'm even more jittery. Let's add in that it could well increase my risk of OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) and I'm more jumpy than a box full of Mexican jumping beans. Eeeeek. But, and you should know this about me by now, I have researched it to death, I'm confident that this will either do good stuff for me and/or will do me no harm and have balanced benefit vs. risk and have decided to give it a go.

We need to get me ovulating much stronger, which will be hopefully with far better quality and stronger egg(s), which in turn gives me a better chance of pregnancy, it will give me higher progesterone and that in turn will support any pregnancy better too - far better than NPC could of. It makes sense and I'll know when I have my P4, whether it's also true for me too.

I already know that Clomid makes me ovulate but it's not at the preferred level for a medicated cycle so in that sense, it's not doing its job at 100mgs. A general practitioner will not agree to higher than 100mgs, it's deemed a specialist's decision but of course I won't get a referral to get an increase approved - it's not that it's because it's the wrong thing to try. So, I'm going it alone. Hey, apart from standing on my head whilst doing insems, I've tried pretty much everything else so in for penny and all that!

Anyway, so here we go again - there's some lure to this surrogacy lark and despite failed cycle after failed cycle and all the things I do, I still want to do it all again every month - am I just dedicated or simply a masochist? Actually, don't answer that!

Stats

Journey 2:

Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)


Unmatched:

Cycle 18: Length: 23 and LP: ? (Not tracking ovulation)
Cycle 19: Length: 28 and LP: ?
Cycle 20: Length: 27 and LP: ?
Cycle 21: Length: 27 and LP: ?
Cycle 22: Length: 26 and LP: ?
Cycle 23: Length: 26 and LP: ?
Cycle 24: Length: 26 and LP: ?


Journey 3:

Cycle 25: Length: 27 and LP: 11 (Clomid 100mg - Days 5-9)
Cycle 26: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)

Triphasic Today

We dealt with daylight savings here today so that *may* of affected my temperature, it went down slightly this morning. You can't know what affect the clocks going forwards may of had and FF advise against doing anything, such as adjusting, to your temp since it's just the one that may be inaccurate.

If you're not familiar with what a triphasic chart is, read up about it here:

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/Faqs/Triphasic-chart.html

Who knows what it means for me but I haven't had it in 8 cycles of charting. So, still sitting tight!

9DPO

I can't decide if NPC (natural progesterone cream) is good or bad at this point, we're well into the 2ww and I have every symptom under the sun right now - and an almost triphasic chart to boot (just need the rise to continue for another day). As my IP said, if I'm not pregnant, this is a very cruel chart indeed. I'm calm right now, I've been here way too many times to get ahead of myself and bearing in mind I am using the cream and any/all symptoms could be down to that and I'm just taking each day as it comes.

I'm also very proud to publically announce that I have not caved and tested this 2ww so far, go me! It's giving me something to aim for if nothing else - to get through it and not POAS and if AF does arrive, at least I can take a bit of comfort in the fact that I didn't waste emotions or cash (not even mine at that) on an HPT that was never going to turn positive in the first place.

In case anyone reading this or searching the internet is looking for possible NPC effects in the 2ww, here are mine are and be warned, the list is long!

• Tiredness, just a general worn-out feeling.
• Increase in anxiety, could just be from the whole ttc business.
• Increased cm, it's wet, rather than the usual creamy that I get at this point in my cycle. This only started around 7dpo.
• Feeling hotter generally, this only started around 6dpo.
• Dizziness.
• Backache.
• Hip pain/numbness.
  
• Cramps, feel just like AF cramps but I've had them noticeably since about 3dpo.
• Excess saliva, this has been pretty constant during the 2ww so far.
• Bloating, not bad but noticeable for a few days this 2ww.
• Tender breasts - only started today, at 9dpo.
• Heartburn, waking up with it, having it on and off all day. Not every day but there more often that usual.
• Upset tum - few days on and off now, varying. I don't feel ill though.
  
• Nausea - not often and not bad but a queasiness that creeps over me a bit.
  

The ones in italics, are totally different/new symptoms to me in the 2ww. I can't say I have had them before or if I have, not as noticeably/begining as early/ as prolonged as they are this cycle.

I'm not prone to making up symptoms, I'm only taking note of these so that I have a point of reference for next cycle so I *know* then that they aren't pregnancy symptoms and are one offs/cream effects. I know that some of those are definitely not cream related so they are just blips I reckon.

We have no idea if the cream will lengthen my LP so we're just sitting tight and seeing what happens over the coming few days.

Natural Progesterone Cream

So another 2ww begins but this time we've decided to give natural progesterone cream a try!

Basically it is because when I ovulate, even on Clomid, my progesterone is at the minimum level for ovulation but for that of a natural ovulation - sense would dictate that a medical ovulation would produce higher levels but that doesn't seem to be the case with my body. We therefore thought perhaps I needed an extra boost, which may also increase my LP a bit which is no bad thing and it might help sustain a pregnancy.

Also, we see that my post-ovulation temps are lower than most and I dip mid-cycle too, indicating perhaps that my already low levels of progesterone are dipping even lower for a short-time mid 2ww.

I'm on the fence about this to be honest. Part of me thinks that it's not staying pregnant I have a problem with but getting pregnant in the first place at this point and progesterone won't help with that! Also, ovulating, even at a minimum level, still means I am producing progesterone and once an embryo implants, that the level of progesterone will rapidly increase and sustain any pregnancy and so there really is no need to interfere with my hormones as Mother Nature should have that all in hand. I know that's not a guarantee but I've had 3 children without supplementing.

Then there is the whole issue of possible side effects. Luckily my IP has done a lot of research and reassures me that the possibility of side effects is pretty slim with the cream, it's when you start ingesting/inserting progesterone supplements or having it given by injections, that side effects are likely but still. If you know me, you'll know that I freak out at taking paracetamol and so something that may screw with my hormones makes me nervous.

Despite my reservations, I also did some research and figured that it wouldn't hurt to try it. I said I would give it a go for a cycle and see what happened and we would then re-evaluate from there, whether to continue.

So I'm currently 2 days into taking it, you take it once ovulation is confirmed and until you either get a + test, when you would continue to use it until the end of the first trimester or you stop taking it because of no + hpt - you would then begin to bleed from withdrawal of the progesterone supplementation or bleeding starts spontaneously, signaling you are not pregnant.

I have had some cramping and I feel more tired but that could be normal 2ww stuff (which are cause by the effects of naturally produced progesterone anyway) and not necessarily down to the cream, nothing I can't handle anyway so I'm plugging on with it.

I rub 1/8 of a teaspoon in twice a day. You alternate the site of application each time, to avoid over-saturation and apply it to the areas with the thinnest skin - so for example, the backs of the hands, the chest, the inside of your arms between your wrist and elbow or your neck. You avoid the fatty areas that most sites advise you apply it to because that's for post-menopausal women who need extra supplementation - applying it to the fatty areas of the body, it is stored in the fat cells and builds up, which can lead to progesterone hyper drive which is not a good thing and can totally mess your cycle up - which is another worry I have using this stuff.

I'm using the stuff from this site:

http://www.progesterone.co.uk/

Interested to see what happens this cycle, I will be having my P4 test on Thursday regardless but I don't expect the cream to increase the result because it takes up to 3 months of use to make it into blood serum but I like to know if I ovulated or not from the Clomid - it helps to build up a picture of what's going on with my body.

I'll be back with an update of some kind in a week or so!

Clomid Is Evil

I'm not happy this cycle, Clomid side effects seem bad this time around.

The sleeplessness is beyond ridiculous, I'm waking sometimes every 30 minutes during the night. That is not good when my husband is working a crazy amount of long night shift hours and I'm rushed off my feet myself during the day. I need sleep! I'm not a happy, or nice, person when I'm tired.

The hot flushes are so intense too, I had them last year when I took Clomid but these are unreal this time around. I fear I may spontaneously combust.

Oh and the moodiness and irritability is off the scale - if you see me, avoid me because I would avoid myself too, if I could. I think if I cry any more, there may be a tsunami warning issued. It's not pretty in my house right now.

Lastly, I am still bleeding from AF, 6 days and counting. I mentioned that it made AF more painful and heavier so it's no fun at all.

Still, last 2 tablets tonight and that's me done for another cycle. It'll be worth it, right? That's what I keep telling myself.

Stats

Journey 2:

Cycle 13: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 14: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 15: Length: 26 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 16: Length: 27 and LP: 12 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)
Cycle 17: Length: 28 and LP: 13 (Clomid 100mg - Days 2-6)


Unmatched:

Cycle 18: Length: 23 and LP: ? (Not tracking ovulation)
Cycle 19: Length: 28 and LP: ?
Cycle 20: Length: 27 and LP: ?
Cycle 21: Length: 27 and LP: ?
Cycle 22: Length: 26 and LP: ?
Cycle 23: Length: 26 and LP: ?
Cycle 24: Length: 26 and LP: ?


Journey 3:

Cycle 25: Length: 27 and LP: 11 (Clomid 100mg - Days 5-9)

Round 6 Was A Bust

My 6th cycle of Clomid resulted in yet another BFN. Disappointing given all the hype surrounding the cycle you have an HSG resulting in a higher rate of pregnancy but I lost faith in hype a long time ago where ttc is concerned. They do also say though that the 3 cycles after an HSG, you are more fertile too. Pah I say!

Oh and because you know that I'm never without drama - I got a very convincing evap on an IC pregnancy test - as shown above. It was pink, in the right place and appeared within less than a minute. Everything pointed towards it being a BFP, at least I didn't allow myself to get excited and believe it because I've been here before albeit with a less obvious 2nd line on a HPT. It was cruel though to be honest and I wish I had the willpower not to test early in the 2ww but I reach a certain point and cannot help it! In fairness, the tests had come with my OPKs.

So back to the failure of cycle 6 - I also began Clomid after a 6 month break and so it was like starting it from scratch again and it's known that Clomid has a cumulative success rate, where your chances increase the longer you take it and it builds up in your system.

There was a bit of uncertainty where to go when AF arrived because taking lots of cycles of Clomid isn't good for you. There's a slightly increased risk of ovarian cancer if you take more than 12 cycles but upon reading, that's in a row. However, I have no had 2 cycles of Clomid in my lifetime but with a gap of some 9 years between them so I feel OK about taking another 6 cycles now and then that being the 12 limit.

As I mentioned before, I did look at Femara as an option but when I looked at the NICE guidelines (National Institute for Clinical Excellence), I found that Femara is not indicated in the treatment of infertility here in the UK and so knew that I would have a hard job convincing a general practitioner to prescribe it. NICE place a high emphasis on Clomid as the treatment for ovulatory disorders, probably because it's the cheapest option.

So, I am taking Clomid again this cycle and I'm currently on CD4. I'm back to taking it as prescribed, on days 2-6 of my cycle. As you know, I took it later last cycle due to illness and it was supposed to mean a stronger ovulation. In fact, what happened was it screwed everything up!I ended up ovulating the day after I normally do when I take it 2-6, which was fine BUT I had almost no ewcm, horrendous PMT, a shorter than usual LP (just 11 days, instead of 12-14) and then a horrible AF just to rub salt into my not-pregnant-again wounds.

The last 2ww was quite simply, awful. I just felt completely different to how I normally feel in the 2ww and that obviously made me wonder if I had got pregnant. I've not really had that feeling before now during a 2ww so it was a total mindfuck. I was thankful when AF arrived because at least the wondering and waiting had stopped.

My temperature chart was all over the place last cycle too, mainly because a sickness bug swept through my house, leading to lots of broken sleep and my husband is working some strange hours at the moment and I'm not sleeping consistently. That didn't help in the 2ww as I was always 2nd guessing the temps or discarding them altogether because it didn't make sense that they would be right and so of any use.

So, wiping the slate clean and drawing a line under cycle 6, cycle 7 of Clomid has now begun and I'm approaching it with positivity and optimism. I know that we did everything right and that a BFN is not a personal failure by me or my body, after all, we know that there is no medical reason why I can't/won't fall pregnant. It just wasn't our time I guess. Nope, onwards and upwards because I really want to get pregnant this cycle, I want my Christmas baby!

OASN, my baby turned 4 today! Although technically no longer a baby, he'll always be one to me. Hard to believe I was last pregnant nearly 5 years ago.