AI musings

I've been doing some thinking and some research and I'm not so sure Instead Cups are good for AI (artificial insemination). Sure it makes sense that they could only help with ttc but actually, if that's the case then why aren't they FDA approved?

Now, I don't claim to know anything behind FDA stuff. For starters, I'm not American so why would I but if it's a no-brainer, that they are safe to use for the purpose of AI then why has aproval not been granted?

I don't know what might mean it's not good enough to get the official thumbs up but it just doesn't add up. Is using one any better than just doing the necessary last thing at night and staying horizontal?

Whilst we're on this subject, I'm also not sure this syringe method is working out well either because I seem to have an issue with some, erm, well, squirting back out. I'm sorry if that's TMI but if you're reading a surrogacy blog then chances are you know what it will contain so toughen up!

I know all about not placing the syringe too close to cevix or else you'll get splash-back and I'm careful not to. Also I know from health professionals over the years, that my canal is longer than average so this should lessen my chances of leaking but apparently not.

It only takes 1 sperm I know but if you can get a good few million there to race to the finish line then that's obviously much better.

And the alternative of putting the sample straight into the Instead Cup isn't going so well either for me. Just to be awkward and all that. I find that the bottom of the cup gets forced so far up when putting it in, that some can't help but to be pushed over the edges and out. Wastage yet again.

I'm thinking we really should just try something like this:

http://homeconceptionstore.com/components.html

Mainly just the cup with tube part I'm talking about. That way you can be sure the placing of said cup is correct without worry of its precious 'cargo' escaping en route and then you can do the necessary with precision.

Seem a bit too clinical for only our 4th attempt? Hmmmm.

Down But Not Out

This bust cycle has hit all of us particularly hard it seems. IM even threw a sickie from work which she said is very unlike her but she just couldn't put a brave face on things.

I know I'm certainly feeling downheartened. None of us expected it to work first time or even second time around but there's a feeling of hope with the 3rd. As I said in a previous entry, lots of mutual friends have had luck with the 3rd round and I think we'd all put our energy into it being *the* one for us too.

We timed it perfectly and it just felt, oh I don't know, right, you know? We had lots of special dates between us, it would have been perfect to have been the winning cycle but it just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason.

Now we're at the tipping point, over half-way of our contracted cycles. It's an uncertain place to be if I'm honest. I'm wondering what my IP's are really feeling at this point, if I asked, I'm sure they'd tell me but I'm not sure in this hormonal state that I want to hear what they might say.

I don't want to use this blog to whinge and wallow in pity, that doesn't make for good reading now does it but I need to express how fucking hard this surrogacy stuff is. I was never naive enough to think it'd be a breeze but it messes with every emotion and winds its way into every single day of your life.

I have faith and hope that my wonderful IP's will one day hold a baby of their own and I desperately hope I get to make that happen so we'll pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and steam onto round 4.

The Rollercoaster Has Stopped

Well for this cycle anyway. AF arrived this morning.

Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (very ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10

And not only have I got the tail end of 2 coldsores as well as her arrival but I woke up and today have a sore throat and blocked nose. Someone doesn't like me this week do they?

I might look into something to lengthen my LP this coming cycle, what I don't know. It's always been on the shorter end of normal and since I managed to get pregnant, I wasn't ever worried but this situation is entirely different. Maybe I'll approach my GP about it this week. I wonder what their reaction will be to my surrogacy journey and not only that but whether they'll be more eager to help? I know when I was ttc my own children, the standard was to have been trying for 6+ months or more before they'd consider any assistance (even medication) but as this is for someone else...

I think the fact I have had 3 healthy pregnancies will play against me though.

Gah

I think it's more upsetting to take a test early and get a BFN than to just wait until she arrives on time, being none the wiser as to what was coming and having hope until that moment.

I really need a 12 step programme to wean me off peeing on pregnancy tests. FTR, I've only taken the 2 last night but that was 2 too many.

And I feel really crappy for giving in and showing myself up publically on my blog for the weak-willed saddo I am!

Oh well. If she really is lurking like it appears she is, I can blame this post on hormones. Pity party for one please!

Faulty First Response Test (NOT MINE)

Click on it to enlarge.

Just Desserts

Yup, I got mine.

I caved and tested tonight, I'm rubbish I know but hey, be fair, I held out for 9 days which is more than I usually do. By 6 DPO I've usually used up my entire supply of tests.

Anyway, this is what happened, posted this on another board:

'I was searching on the internet after a dodgy result with FRER and I think I've fallen foul to this dodgy batch.

I am only 9DPO but took a test this evening and saw a control line and then on the left, where the test line is, 2 very short pink lines. Like not from top to bottom, but just at the top. I thought I also saw the very left hand sided one go down to the bottom.

I looked again after about 10 minutes and the entire test, apart from the control line, is negative. Nothing there at all.

As a surrogate, on cycle number 3, I was very excited for a split second. Everyone raves about FR and I've never had a dud result before but it only takes one to put you off a brand for life when dealing with this rubbish at such an emotionally charged time.

FYI, the expiry date was: 11/2011 and batch number was: BU9243DC

It was a pack of 2 and the other test was fine, as far as I can recall.'

Read the first post of that thread and you'll see it's a long-standing problen with FRER tests: http://www.babyandbump.com/pregnancy-tests/265092-faulty-frers-please-aware.html

The poster in there put a picture of her dud test and to save you from having to sign up to see, I'll c+p it. Don't say I'm not good to you! I'll post it in a seperate thread altogether.

Mine wasn't like that as I said in my description but since a) the test wasn't meant to have 3 lines, b) the lines didn't stick around or go all the way down and c) the batch number matched the known faulty batch number, I think it's very safe to say it was faulty.

Arrrrgh. WTF is it about me and surrogacy and suddenly taking all the crappiest tests? What with my evap scare last cycle and now this. It's beyond ridiculous. I have taken every brand (well it certainly felt like it) over the past 11 years and I keep experiencing these firsts with pregnancy tests.

FRER is supposed to be THE best test out there. Like hell. This has been known for about 8 months now and they are still out there on sale.

I'm pretty pissed off tonight. As I said though, I got my just desserts for not hanging out. Still, I'd have been much more pissed off if I'd got to period day and taken it and that had happened and I'd seen something pink on the result line.

FTR, I took a Superdrug (generic chemist brand to you non-UK'ers) and it was a glaringly BFN so this cycle is pretty much done and dusted.

I suppose since in the end, my FRER was negative, it was actually correct but not without the heart-stopping, tingly excitement I first felt at seeing something on the test side of the window.

FUCK IT, it's time like these that I wish I drank. :o(

I'm An Addict

My personal challenge to myself, not to test before I'm due, is crumbling. So far, I've held off and infact didn't even give things much thought but since yesterday, I'm desperate. It's crazy.

So, I'm currently 9DPO. Expecting her at 12DPO. I don't have any symptoms but I'm not a believer in analysing anything in the 2WW, I've had every symptom and not been pregnant and that's more crushing than having none and believing this will be another negative cycle.

Thinking ahead to (if we have to do them) next month's insem, it's going to be tricky as IPs are away for a week on holiday. Strangely enough, they booked it ages ago and it's much nearer to where I live than where they are now and so insems would totally be do'able distance wise but they may want a break for a month and so we'll see.

Fingers crossed it won't even be an issue.

Grumpy Guts

Is this the start of the dreaded PMT I wonder?

I do have a lot going on IRL which could explain why I'm an ogre tonight and I certainly am exhausted after several late nights but I prefer to be realistic. It's easier than being disappointed I say.

Blah.

Ramblings

Our second insem went well but was a fly-by stop due to IF having to rush back for work but hopefully it was worth it!

I'm 4dpo but I'm not sure that's actually true since technically the day AFTER your + OPK you release the egg, that would make the day after that, the first day past ovulation but what the heck, I'm not changing my system now. Maybe I'll be more precise and use that method of counting next time but that would make my LP shorter and I'm not keen on entertaining that as being a possible problem, not at only 3 cycles in, so maybe I won't after all.

You should be very proud of me, I've managed not to pee on anything (stick or otherwise!) and don't have any urge to either. Every time I think of anything related to whether I'm pregnant or not, I make myself change the subject. My 2ww is strictly off limits where analysing and daydreaming is concerned. For now anyway.

One Down

And one to go.

We're officially in our 2ww yet again.

IPs got here around 12 and we did the necessary and then we all went to the soft ball centre for the children to run off some energy. IPs met my children for the first time today and it was love all around. My children really liked them which was great to see. My son even said 'I love them, make sure you tell them that!' and I did.

They'll be back early morning tomorrow for insem #2.

I've been reading up a lot about various things to do with cycle, ovulation and conception and really I think it's a lot of chitchat, opinion and research about something that's pretty blinking simple. It either is going to happen or it isn't. I'm trying to take the mellow approach to this whole thing this time around.

Peace out! ;o)

Clearblue Digital, How I Love Thee!

I haven't had a chance to try these out before today, they weren't around when I was ttc my own children so I was very excited to take my first today.

Very cool I must say, yes I know I'm sad and that I really must get out more.

Crappy camera phone shot, apologies.

Good Planning Goes To Waste

Today was crazy and obviously didn't get the memo of our carefully laid out plan!

My son had his op but was late going down to theatre which inturn meant that I was late taking my afternoon OPK to give IPs the go ahead to start the drive down.

I also didn't bank on not being able to find anything to pee into to take my OPK at the hospital. Internet tests have a max dipping line so it's not like I could pee ON it and hope for the best. I ended up taking the digital ovulation test that I'd taken along, anticipating on only using it if the cheap one displayed a + to corroberate what it said, as I could safely pee on that. Those tests are not cheap so I want to use them sparingly for my IPs.

Anyway, the smiley face, (which means the surge has been detected) popped up and I went into a bit of panic. It was 6pm by now and poor IPs wouldn't feasibly be able to race down here in time, plus my son was nowhere near being discharged at that point and I didn't know when/if we'd be home to meet them.

I text IM who said not to worry, they'd come down tomorrow and maybe squeeze an insem in on Saturday - travelling home and back down for it.

So, that's where we currently are. The OPK I took now, so about 6 hours on from my + digi, was negative so my surge appears to have been and gone.

I had wicked ovulation pains all day and my mucus confirms what the tests tell me. This means the egg should pop out somewhere around 6am - 6pm tomorrow, living for 12 - 24 hours so an insem tomorrow should still give us a fighting chance and the one on Saturday will be insurance, a back up. Well, this is what the text book tells us about how ovulation works but in reality, it could be anyone's guess!

Waiting...

My OPK's seem to be very weak so far, for this point in my cycle. I'm hoping I won't have another first when it comes to internet tests but this time with OPK's.

IPs have made plans to travel down tomorrow, I only hope that my body co-operates! IF was due to come alone but he's bottled it and so poor IM is having to travel down tomorrow night with him, then they are driving back and then coming back Friday morning. Now, THAT'S dedication to the cause. If anyone ever thinks surrogacy is easy, they're plain wrong.

I did tell IF that he didn't have to wine and dine me and make conversation and I promised I wouldn't try and goose him around the room or anything! LOL I think in the end, he just wasn't ready to do this on his own which I can understand.

So I'm fervently peeing on sticks, hoping the results matches my optimisim and produces our positive very soon and we can get insems under way.

IPs have the added complication of having to work around me tomorrow as my son's operation is happening. Somehow we'll fit it in. I think they are planning on doing what's necessary and dropping it off. That'll be a new one for me.

That's where we currently are, if you could send some ovulation vibes that would be much appreciated!

Egg Ahoy!

We are hurtling towards another insem already, we're expecting to see one another in 7 days time if my body follows the plan.

Going to be a little tricky if it does as ovulation is due to fall on the day my son has an operation so I'll be tied up with that but we'll work around it.

Sounds like IF may have to travel down here on his own this time which will be interesting as that's the first time and I'm not sure he feels all that comfortable with his part in insems still. We'll muddle through it though.

Feeling a little worried that we're now officially at the half-way point of our contract. We are down for 6 attempts before we review and decide whether to carry on working together or not. I hope we don't get to that point and have to have that discussion.

Everyone keep fingers, toes and everything else crossed for us. These guys deserve this to happen so much.