My IPs have decided to stop their surrogacy journey.
Since this is my blog, I'm going to vent here and I don't mean to come off selfish and only thinking about myself right now but if I can't be honest here, where can I be.
IPs have had a hell of a lot of bad stuff going on in their lives lately and have found the stress of the surrogacy journey added to that has just got too much.
They are essentially taking a break but don't know for how long or even if they will start surrogacy once again. They've said that it would be unfair of me to wait for them, for something that might never begin again.
Thing is, surrogacy was never easy for me (is it for anyone?) but I found it incredibly hard putting myself out there and stepping into the unknown. I don't make friends easily, I find myself anxious around new people and unknowns but I did it and I hit the jackpot first time when I found my IPs. Everything from that point of view was perfect. It wouldn't be easy to find that again and I'm not in this from a 'business' point of view, I've invested my time and my heart from the start and I can't just switch that over to someone new.
At this point, I'm unsure if I'll persue surrogacy any further, which brings up a lot of emotions from my point of view. The feeling of failure I feel is crushing at the moment, that I let them down, let myself down and my body let me down. Doom all around in my house right now let me tell you.
We only tried for 5 cycles and although they were incredibly stressful from my point of view, I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet. I know I can't comprehend how horrendous it was for my IPs but it just seems such a waste to give up when we've all come this far.
I remember reading, and I believe I've posted about at the start of this blog, that a lot of surrogates give up at the 6 month mark. I didn't think it happened to IPs too. I was wrong.
So that's my update. I've no idea if I'm going to have a use for this blog in the near future but here it will stay, not least because it's part of my life that I don't regret for one single minute and it wouldn't feel right to just take it down and 'take my toys home' because it didn't go as I planned.
Thank you for jumping on and joining me for this whirlwind of a ride, I'm only sorry there wasn't a happier ending at this point.
Tuesday 19 October 2010
Friday 15 October 2010
6 & We're Out
Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12
Yup, she arrived. *sigh*
I try and not wallow in self-pity because well, we have only been trying for 6 cycles and because however I'm feeling, really I have 3 beautiful children at the end of the day and my disappointment at AF's arrival is nowhere near what it must be for my IPs but fucking hell, I'm sad when she arrives.
Yet again, my body fooled me into thinking that we'd actually hit the jackpot. I swear if you know me IRL, you'll know I'm not prone to being sucked in and convincing myself of phantom symptoms, I was ttc myself for long enough to know all the tricks AF has in her books.
Finding this 6th cycle very difficult to swallow. I guess IPs and I now have to have that talk, about where we go from here. Although we had an annovulatory cycle, it's still been 6 months which is what was in our contract.
Anyway, that's where we are right now.
The silver lining to this dark hormonal cloud is that my LP lengthened. Well I had some pink bleeding very late last night but I don't count that as Day 1 as the full red stuff didn't begin until around 5am this morning.
I had heard good stuff about Vitamin B6 for correcting a short luteal phase and so I was taking just the standard top-up amount of it during this 2ww.
Apparently you're meant to take at least 50mg (I have 10mg) to see any effect but it seems that even a lowly 10 is doing something to my body which can only be a positive thing! Hurrah, it's not all doom and gloom. :o)
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12
Yup, she arrived. *sigh*
I try and not wallow in self-pity because well, we have only been trying for 6 cycles and because however I'm feeling, really I have 3 beautiful children at the end of the day and my disappointment at AF's arrival is nowhere near what it must be for my IPs but fucking hell, I'm sad when she arrives.
Yet again, my body fooled me into thinking that we'd actually hit the jackpot. I swear if you know me IRL, you'll know I'm not prone to being sucked in and convincing myself of phantom symptoms, I was ttc myself for long enough to know all the tricks AF has in her books.
Finding this 6th cycle very difficult to swallow. I guess IPs and I now have to have that talk, about where we go from here. Although we had an annovulatory cycle, it's still been 6 months which is what was in our contract.
Anyway, that's where we are right now.
The silver lining to this dark hormonal cloud is that my LP lengthened. Well I had some pink bleeding very late last night but I don't count that as Day 1 as the full red stuff didn't begin until around 5am this morning.
I had heard good stuff about Vitamin B6 for correcting a short luteal phase and so I was taking just the standard top-up amount of it during this 2ww.
Apparently you're meant to take at least 50mg (I have 10mg) to see any effect but it seems that even a lowly 10 is doing something to my body which can only be a positive thing! Hurrah, it's not all doom and gloom. :o)
Sunday 10 October 2010
Uh-Oh
Hanging on in there, despite some signs that aren't encouraging.
I have an eye flare-up again which despite being agony and unsightly, could well indicate AF is on her way. Hormone fluctations can cause it. Though it could be due to stress or just be one of those things, a coincidence.
And I'm in a really foul mood and have been for the past 2 days. PMT or something else? Time will tell.
Add to that, that I think my middle child has the beginings of the dreaded chickenpox. Small blister on the top of her foot this morning but I'm pretty sure it's that as it's going around the school and our area lately.
I've thankfully had it myself and the oldest has too (he had it when I was pregnant with the pox girl herself) so that just leaves the youngest to catch it now.
Won't be much fun if she indeed has it as she has her cast on, imagine that itch. :(
On a side note, I've found a really good site for charting your 2ww symptoms - whether pregnant or not. I think it's a good idea as I don't like putting my symptoms out there incase it's nothing.
www.countdowntopregnancy.com
I figure that even if I'm not pregnant, it will give me somewhere to store my signs so I can compare it cycle to cycle and hopefully notice more easily if I am in future.
I have an eye flare-up again which despite being agony and unsightly, could well indicate AF is on her way. Hormone fluctations can cause it. Though it could be due to stress or just be one of those things, a coincidence.
And I'm in a really foul mood and have been for the past 2 days. PMT or something else? Time will tell.
Add to that, that I think my middle child has the beginings of the dreaded chickenpox. Small blister on the top of her foot this morning but I'm pretty sure it's that as it's going around the school and our area lately.
I've thankfully had it myself and the oldest has too (he had it when I was pregnant with the pox girl herself) so that just leaves the youngest to catch it now.
Won't be much fun if she indeed has it as she has her cast on, imagine that itch. :(
On a side note, I've found a really good site for charting your 2ww symptoms - whether pregnant or not. I think it's a good idea as I don't like putting my symptoms out there incase it's nothing.
www.countdowntopregnancy.com
I figure that even if I'm not pregnant, it will give me somewhere to store my signs so I can compare it cycle to cycle and hopefully notice more easily if I am in future.
Tuesday 5 October 2010
3DPO
Of course there is nothing to report but just checking in anyway.
The crazy itching to test hasn't started and I hope it doesn't any time soon. I don't think I can take any more negative tests staring me in the face, or worst still an evap result test!
The crazy itching to test hasn't started and I hope it doesn't any time soon. I don't think I can take any more negative tests staring me in the face, or worst still an evap result test!
Saturday 2 October 2010
Annnnnd, We're Still Going
About 10 minutes ago.
CD16 and we're still a'surgin'it seems.
I can actually feel my ovaries practically pulsating and I'm not joking either. Feeling very full there and lots and lots of twinges. This is going to be one good egg this cycle I reckon.
Friday 1 October 2010
Ahh, That's More Like It!
See the bottom IC test? The result line is darker than the test line. Yes, that's a nice + on the ole' IC OPK alright. Backed up with the + on the digi.
Should read 15 - PM though. Been so busy this morning that time's escaped me and I forgot we're now in the afternoon.
IPs are planning a trip here this evening. Yay!
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