Pity Party For One!

We are still yet to get the hang of these injections. This is the beauty I'm currently sporting. Well, 1 of 2 of the really bad ones. How can one small (well, ish) needle make such a mark! I do know the medical answer to that - it's because it's a blood thinner but yeah..Oh and I bang them all the flipping time because of where they are, if I'm washing up then they hit the counter top, if I'm bending over to pick toys up then they hurt, when I wear jeans they are tight on the sore spots, if I turn over then they hurt. Yeah, they plain ole' hurt.

If anyone has any BTDT tips for making the jabbing less painful and less damaging, do share please.

Day 14 - Moving On

My stash of blood thinning injections - this stash was bigger believe it or not and now after 2 weeks, this is what it's reduced to, if you can call it reduced. 28 down, another 56 to go.

And this is what my tummy looks like after 27 needles have been jabbed into it -  I tried (and failed!) to put an arrow by each jab spot/bruise so that's the little arrows you can see. As I said, only 27 because I had one in my thigh so that doesn't count! I took this photo a few days ago though and I have bruises everywhere on my stomach currently. I took the photo in poor light so take my word for it, it doesn't do them justice but you can see a couple of the huge ones I'm currently sporting.

I'm still feeling funky and will be seeking a doctors appointment tomorrow for the physical stuff that's going on, that I talked about in yesterday's post. I would of done it today but I couldn't get an appointment this afternoon and besides, I had a child home sick and I wouldn't bring him along to that type of appointment of course. 

As for the other stuff, still feeling crappy about it but I got some good,neutral advice and view points and perhaps I was over-thinking things and being over-sensitive after all and if not, it's something I can deal with another day, when I'm in a more rational and less hormonal frame of mind.

A friend said the following to me yesterday when discussing surrogacy and it rang true, actually if I'm honest, it made me cry but in a therapeutic way - she put into words, what I was feeling really:

'I also don't think there is any way they could understand how it feels, hormones raging, the unique loneliness of having the child you literally spent the last 9 months with gone'.

Yep, that sums it up. It's not that I miss him - having a baby, it's just the physical fact that I have nothing inside or now out, either. My hubby went back to work tonight for the first time since the birth and in one way, I'm glad to have some routine and normality and I know he was ready to return but it was another thing that signals that life's gone back to normal.

As I said a few posts back, I was going to do a post-a-day, for 14 days so I could chart how I was dealing with the post-birth stuff so this will be my last daily post. I will be back as and when I've got something to say - which won't be in the distant future I'm sure.

I've got to make some major decisions regarding surrogacy and whether I move on to another journey or not but that decision depends on what other decisions I make regarding moving, getting physically well fully, whether I want to take a break first etc and as yet, I'm undecided on that stuff or it's out of my hands right now so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. In one way, I'm eager to do it all again but in another, I sometimes think I'm done. Difficult stuff but as soon as I have made a decision, I'll be sure to post here and share.

Day 13 - Back Down With A Bang

I wasn't sure whether to post tonight, I'm in a foul mood. I don't want to talk about it to be honest but may come back in a few day and put it down here, I'm not usually evasive so I hope you'll forgive me this once. I just don't know if I'm over-reacting or over-sensitive so it's best to keep it to myself, hopefully a good nights sleep will clear things.

I don't feel well either and I don't know whether it's baby related or otherwise - my bleeding has not tailed off, like it supposedly should of and if anything it is worse now. Oh and it's gross and even when I had a confirmed infection, it wasn't gross so...I have a thumping headache too, which could be anything from the weather to not drinking enough but still, that was one of the main symptoms I had last time and I feel dizzy and I've started with chills and fever today, yes it is possible to have both btw. I've almost finished the antibiotics so it's not a good sign to not be back to almost 100%.

I am anaemic though, the blood test in Scotland told me as much and although no surprise, coupled with the bleeding, that could explain why I feel so crappy right now. Another thing to ask the Dr about when I see him about the above asap.

Also, my 2 boys had a school friend each over tonight, I could of done without it as I did not feel up to it and one of the friends was hard work, but yet again I'm expected to continue to throw myself back into life at 100 miles per hour. Combined with the other stuff, it's ended with me being seriously upset and pissed off tonight.

On a brighter note, registered Oliver's birth and all went smoothly as expected. Looking at the birth certificate with my name on it and knowing that will soon be a thing of the past was a bit strange but it means that things are moving forwards. Just as they should.

And I was fortunate enough to be shown yet more love from my message board friends, with another surprise gift popping through my letterbox. I am stunned by how generous they've been and how proud they are of my surrogacy journey - I'm definitely feeling very special tonight, the blues and bad mood can't spoil that particular feeling!

Day 12 - Feeling The Love

'Once or twice in our lives, we are given the chance to find out just how much inner strength we possess. Usually we find we have far more than we ever imagined.'

I found this quote online and it struck a chord we me. I was talking to my midwife today, for the dreaded signing off appointment and she was telling me how amazing I was and how proud I should be - I don't think I'm amazing for what I've done but I sincerely thanked her for her compliment and the conversation moved along. When I came home and sat at the computer, I was searching for something and came across the quote above and it just seemed fitting to me - I had my strength tested and I did find I had far more than I ever imagined I would.

My appointment went well, I'm going to miss the midwife (she is the other one, the one who I saw with my own children and who saw me every so often this pregnancy), well both of them actually but especially this lady and there were lots of hugs as we parted ways for the final time. She retires in 2 years so you never know...it may not be as final as we both think! LOL.

I've felt so much love from people today, especially friends near and far. I had 2 unexpected surprises - a card from my lovely ex-college classmates and a delicious hamper from friends on a message board, some of whom I've known for some 10 years now and who have been unfaltering in their support of my surrogacy journey. Random acts of kindness totally rock! 

Tomorrow I register Oli's birth - well if the snow lets me anyway, and I'm sure that will be a bit emotional but it is the start of the hopefully not too long legal process to get Oli registered to his rightful parents in the end and so it'll be a sad but happy milestone. It's amazing to think so much has happened in the past 12 days already, time is going by so fast.

Physically I'm healing well, boobs less leaky it seems but still annoying me of course. The midwife says my uterus is now fully contracted down to pre-pregnancy stage - as I told her, it's done its job and has gone back into hiding! I'm feeling fine in myself to sum things up.

Emotionally, I'm pretty good too. No tears in quite a while now, feeling pretty balanced and no regrets still - that's about the best I could hope for so it's good. The midwife did talk about what to do if I do feel differently in the near future, about the help and resources available and asked if I wanted to be passed onto the health visitors for some continuing support but since I'm feeling fine, I declined.

On a final note, I always wondered how surrogates truly justified their compensation but having been there and done that, now I know how and actually think it's not enough in a lot of cases. It's the after effects that I think are where surrogates really 'earn' that money, if I can be as crass as to say that. No money can prepare you for the emotional and mental stress that essentially giving your (as in, a baby you carried, it's not 'yours' of course) baby away brings - and that shouldn't be taken for granted, it shouldn't be for free.

It's been a tougher than expected 12 days, I wonder if I'm strong enough to do it again although it's early days so perhaps in another 12 days, I'll feel differently. All I know is that the pregnancy part was a breeze compared to the post-birth stuff, at least I'll be well prepared and go into any future journey with my eyes well and truly open.

Day 11 - Musings

I have moments where the fact I have birthed 4 children hits me. I'm forever changed, I will always carry that knowledge and that's not a bad thing at all but it just catches me out a bit now. Also for the reason that I'm 33 and I've given life to 4 children - I often say I feel every year of my 33 years but when I think about this, I can't believe it as I feel too young to have done so. I know, I'm rambling but it's just what was whirring around my head today.

I spoke to my community midwife today and am due to see her tomorrow to get signed off. I've photocopied all my notes and am ready to hand my coveted yellow folder over for good. I'm sure that I'll feel a bit of a lump in my throat, that was one of the things I loved when I first found out I was pregnant - that I would get another yellow folder, I would (finally) belong to the pregnant club once again! Ha, I'm so sad I know.

I don't know what surrogacy direction I'm going to take next. Despite all that's happened this past week, I still have this strange yearning to be a pregnant surrogate again and although I miss it, I'm not daft enough to make any rash decisions - heck, I'm not even 2 weeks post-partum! But, where do I go next is a question that has crept up on me these past few days....I don't want to be essentially a commercial surrogate, doing it for the money and would hate to ever be seen in that light - I never wanted to populate the world, I just wanted to make a bit of a difference and even if I stop at Oli, I think I've done just that.

Day 10 - Calm

There really isn't much to post about today to be honest, I've just been relaxing since the mammoth cross-country trek home yesterday and the children have been enjoying the snow. Funnily enough, where we just left in Scotland is now covered in snow!

I did have a horrible half hour of abdomen pain this afternoon and I admit that thoughts of hospitals crept in rapidly, it was honestly awful but then it went and left a dull ache on and off all day. I hope that can be attributed to the antibiotics. Ugh, will it ever end? And I'm determined not to make this blog 'every ailment daily' style so I apologise for the medical related posts but they are surrogacy related since I wouldn't be having this issue if it wasn't for having a (surrogate) baby. It may help another surrogate know what may happen.

Boobs still leaking like mad, I think seeing yet more cute pictures of Oli today didn't help that issue but I don't mind one bit. He really is pretty darn cute, even if I say so myself.I'm registering his birth finally, on Wednesday. That's another milestone, it'll be weird to sit there and list myself and my husband as his parents and look at that birth certificate. I'll treasure it though because after the Parental Order is granted, it will be history - literally. Nice to be able to get something else ticked off the list though, at 6 weeks, K and B will then apply for the Order and get that process started - I will be posting about that, from my point of view, as and when it happens because that's something I'm apprehensive about and not familiar with. It is part of the surrogacy journey that I'm sure a lot of first-time surrogates aren't knowledgeable about, you just don't think you'll get that far and it's more an IP thing.

I expect my community midwife to sign me off this week, they usually only see you for up to 10 days, as necessary and then you would normally be passed onto your health visitor but obviously that's not needed in my case so that will be the end of another chapter of the journey - ticking things off fast and furiously these days.

All The Recognition I Needed

My gorgeous children, who've coped so well with my selfish decision to become a surrogate and who have been so mature beyond their years about the whole pregnancy, birth and beyond, wrote me these cards after the birth and I was clearing a cupboard out just now and found them again and wanted to share. Honestly, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks as much as what my children (and husband of course) think of what I did and this makes my heart swell with love and pride.

Day 9 - A Day Behind

A bit late but we were on the road home all day yesterday so I'm doing Day 9, on day 10.

Anyway, not much to report. I've decided I will keep doing a daily post about how I'm adapting to life after surrobub for 14 days so sorry, you've got to endure my ramblings for a while longer yet!

I'm still having issues from the infection I think, uterus is definitely not happy and bleeding has gone a bit wonky again. Coupled with serious sweating/fever overnight and I'm actually looking forward to speaking to either my midwife or the GP although I'm sure it's just the tablets making me feel a bit yucky, rather than anything starting up again but I would like the reassurance nonetheless. I'll be glad when I can put this part of things behind me, I'm a bit fed up of dealing with it now. Not necessarily the bleeding, everyone expects and goes through that when they've had a baby but the worry about the infection and whether things are clearing up or not!

K posted some new Oli pics on FB and I studied them and still don't see any characteristics of myself in him. Of course, it's still early and to me, babies look like babies, rather than anyone specific but it was a continuing relief to not see me looking back at myself.

It does feel a bit awkward knowing what to say or do when I see pictures though - should I comment on them? If I don't, will it appear that I am not enjoying seeing them or don't care? And if I do comment, do I make any reference to myself in any of them if that's what I want to say or should I just act like anyone else viewing them, a stranger looking in? See, it's a complicated thing this surrogacy - or am I just over-thinking stuff like I usually do? I love seeing pictures of him so I'll continue to comment or like at will, unless I'm told otherwise!

It's been a few days now with no tears so my hormones are definitely levelling out now, which makes me happy. That was a rough few days and I wish someone who had BTDT told me it would be. I had said before in the blog that I was anticipating a hormone roller coaster but I wasn't prepared for how powerful it would be. Still, hanging in there and I seem to have come out the other side. I know there will still be times that the situation will catch me unaware and set me off again but as long as the good days outweigh any bad then I'm on the upswing, I can deal with it.

I'm still leaking milk, which is irritating - having to wear a bra 24/7 and change pads but it's getting less of an issue each day so I hope within a week max, it will of stopped completely.

K said that Oli's cord came off end of last week and it made him unexpectedly sad - it was another detachment from me and literally and figuratively, that's very true. I hadn't thought of it like that until then - that was the last thing that bound Oli and I in a physical way and that's now gone. It's another transition and I don't think it'll be the last in this journey....

Day 8 - Veggie Tales

Good day overall, felt much improved but the whole drama this week has really made me question the care I received at my delivering hospital.

Having consulted Google about my diagnosis, which was post partum endometritis by the way, I was at high risk of this and yet my hospital didn't foresee this was a high probability complication and prescribe me some cheap but effective prophylactic antibiotics. I've also looked at my notes and was dismayed to see that they didn't accurately record my post-delivery observations either, which probably meant they missed cues that I was already not well. All in all, I'm disappointed. I was going to write to them to thank them for their excellent personal care, which I still feel we all received overall but I'm in two minds now whether to also make a complaint about the medical side of our care too - even if it's just so it is noted and learnt from.

Google also reminded me of how necessary it is to get that follow-up scan arranged, after all, this is my fertility that could possibly be compromised by this infection but that can be prevented by ensuring I take the medication I was given and by checking that that alone has cleared up the problem.

Physical wise, I've got a painful uterus but the jab seems to be doing its job of getting rid of whatever remaining tissue was causing the infection, which is a good thing. On the downside, all of this has given me the yeast beast from hell. I think, in fairness, that that is a combination of a lot of things though - stress, travelling, general post-baby yuckiness, the antibiotics and all the other meds but still something I could be doing without. I also have lots of nasty pin-prick bruises all over my tummy from the blood thinning jabs and some of their 'friends' on my thighs from the many hospital injections. Oh and 2, yes a have-one-get-another-one-free deal, cold sores. Yuck. Definitely run down I'd say.

On the plus side, my boobs are slowly deflating which is so nice and making things a bit more comfortable out front.. I tried the recommended cabbage-down-the-bra trick this evening and man, that felt good! Even the midwives had recommended that and they were right, it is bliss. My children were most amused to learn what Mum was planning do to with it!

Emotion wise, I'm feeling fine. I keep thinking I shouldn't be feeling this fine suddenly and that that's not normal and it'll all come crashing down on me but I think I actually am fine. I think another issue, along with missing being pregnant and hormones, was the adjustment in the type of relationship that we will now share since that chapter of the journey is over but that's natural. It's like when we all took a break from ttc - that took time to adjust to, the lack of texts, no anticipation of when we would see each other next, no excitement from the 2ww etc and that shift took a while to get used to. Just like this will but I know K and B are only on the end of the phone, or an e-mail or text away. It is just a different type of relationship now, I guess.

Heading back home from Scotland tomorrow - well, weather dependent anyway. It's snowing home, in Bristol but nothing in the Highlands which is funny. Snow is now forecast from here, all the way down the country to home and so we're leaving and hoping for the best. I'm looking forward to getting back to familiarity, not least it's a comfort incase things don't continue to go as smoothly with my recovery. It's certainly been a memorable visit here though, that's for sure!

Day 7 - What A Week!

All the positive thoughts must have done their job because I was sprung from the hospital late this afternoon! I had a rough night, mainly caused by lots of interruptions (necessary for my well-being but still...) and so I jumped at the chance of escape. I lost count of the number of injections I had - anti-sickness, antibiotics, anti-coagulants and one final one before I was let out the door of a uterus contracting drug, 2 bags of fluids and not forgetting the oral tablets - painkillers of 2 different types and antibiotics but,I'm home with my children, husband and nearest and dearest family and of course I feel a million times better now too so it was worth suffering.

The doctor hopes that things will pass naturally and I've just gotto wait it out but follow up with my GP upon my return to Bristol on Saturday - earlier, via the hospital route again, if things should go downhill but hopefully not. Strangely, the hospital gave me a much needed distraction from the hormonal whirlwind associated with the birth and stuff and I left with a different frame of mind. Probably not least because I felt better in myself of course.

K and B were kept informed, I was in half a mind whether to say anything because I felt like I was bothering them at a time when they've far better things to be thinking about and didn't want my health to be the cause of bringing their babymoon happy bubble but, I did tell them and they've been sweet and supportive - well as far as they can be, being some 600 odd miles away.

The nurses couldn't believe how far we'd travelled and especially so soon after giving birth. I think they probably thought it was a stupid thing to do and so I was quick to explain that there really had been little choice. They were very complimentary about the situation that brought me there, they had never had any experience of surrogacy in their professional capacity so I guess a positive is that I had the chance to give them some first-hand information and experience.

I've had to make some big decisions, under some very trying circumstances this past week and I hope that my hormones aren't clouding my judgement and I'm making the right ones - time will tell I guess but I've new adventures to look forward to and that's giving me a renewed sense of direction and motivation - something I know I've felt I've lost since giving birth.

On that note - let me shout out a 'Very Happy One Week Old, Oli!' wish. Almost this time, 7 days ago, he made quite the entrance into the world and into his daddies arms and I became a true first time tummy mummy.

Day 6 - Admitted To Hospital

 Well, didn't see this coming..I travelled 12 hours to Scotland as planned, with the family and felt OK really, just tired and we all fell into bed around 11pm. It was then the nausea went into overdrive and my head began to pound once more. I tried to sleep but just felt so overwhelmingly crappy and woke my husband and told him, through sobs, to take me to hospital.

After lots of tests and a restless night, a scan confirmed I have retained products in my uterus. My blood tests confirmed it and so no escape for me tonight now. I'm on a maternity ward - complete with newborn babies (my boobs are loving that..not) and I have an IV going (2 attempts and a doctor ended up needing to do it...what is with my veins lately?) and have had a much needed anti-sickness injection. There is no talk of when I may be discharged or whether surgery may be on the cards. I am petrified. I am almost 700 miles from home, my children are thankfully with Nanny (and Daddy between visits here and to look at new houses for our move) and are safe but it is very upsetting that less than a week after I left a hospital for baby related admission, I am back in.

Please please think positive thoughts that I can avoid surgery and will be allowed home asap. I don't regret surrogacy one bit but I didn't ever think I would be in this position. Right now I can't even begin to process the birth and hormone aftermath stuff, I need to simply focus on getting back to full physical health first.

Day 5 - Ouch

Short one as long day driving up North.

Had a terrible night with fever, headache and boob pain still. Big fear is mastitis and so I am keeping a close watch. The boobs are making me miserable to be honest. No hormones to blame in this instance really but mother nature just being a bitch. I am currently laid in bed, huge bath towel under my top half because my bra was making it 10 times worse. I hope this doesn't go on much longer, it is absolutely excruciating. :o(

Day 4 - Digesting

My sweet husband said this to me this morning, as I was saying about how going around the supermarket this morning, no-one would have any clue what I've just done in life..

I admit to having to try very hard not to cry when he said that - it's very fitting and although I wouldn't necessarily call myself a hero, let alone a superhero, it does mean that some people make a massive difference in their lives and yet are the unsung ones.

Anyway, I woke up with the same pounding headache I went to bed with, which concerned as my BP had been higher than I'd of liked when checked on Saturday. I hadn't slept at all well because I didn't take any codeine last night as we went to bed late and had to be up early for the school run. I think the headache therefore had a lot to do with that, and the awful weather we're having which always causes me pressure head pain.

And the boobs are continuing to give me grief, they throb and are so hot, lumpy, painful and hard. I recall hating this with my own children so it's hardly any surprise it is really annoying me now. I have them tightly encased in a soft bra which helps somewhat and the breast pads are definitely needed now - hopefully it won't be for too long and it helps that I don't have a baby nearby as that would just prolong the process.

Injectionthis morning was super stingy, I was not happy. Hubby said he did nothing differently so I don't know why, perhaps he injected an already sore spot or a lumpy bit of skin or something. I don't know but it bloody well hurt and didn't help my mood any.

The mystery of whether I would see a community midwife today was solved when my usual midwife called early this morning to say that the other one was off duty after a home birth during the night and she gave me the option of going to the clinic to see her for a check or she could come to me instead. I really saw no need for her to visit me at home, since I don't have a baby to prevent me from easily getting to clinic so I popped up to see her. It was nice, to be able to tie up the loose ends from the last time she saw me and she had the student midwife with her who I saw at both appointments when my waters had broke too and I think she appreciated seeing me post-delivery too - it's probably her only experience of surrogacy so far so it's nice to know I played a tiny part in her training experience in that respect.

My BP has lowered so that was a relief to know and that means the headache is probably just hormones, stress and tiredness. I've continued to have it all day though, which combined with the other post-birth ailments has been a bit irksome.

In other news - I'm off to Scotland tomorrow morning for a few days - it was a bit of a rush decision, ie: made this afternoon but my husband has been officially offered the job he interviewed for way back in October when we last visited! Very happy because jobs up there are few and far between and this one is very stable and secure and has an excellent salary too. With the start date now mere weeks away, we felt it was important we go up asap and scour for houses and get that side sorted so that we know where we'll be living in advance and the children can visit the school they will move to also. A bit nervous to be travelling so far, so soon after giving birth but all appears to be going well. My main concern would of been blood clots given my history of a probable clot but the Clexane I'm already on will prevent that and keep me safe. It may be nice to put some space between me and home, give me a change of scenery for a few days.

I can't believe it's only 14 days into 2013 and so much has changed and is going to be changing for me already. I am worried that once this whirlwind move is over and life goes back to complete normality and I've nothing to focus on at all then that it will all catch up on me and I'll sink into a funk or something but that's the worrier in me - how likely is that to happen? If it even begins, well, I'm pre-empting it so will be able to seek help in some way before it gets to that point; I can't live my life on a maybe, that much I've learnt!

I ventured to school today, to pick the children up. First opportunity since the birth and something I was a bit worried about doing because I knew people would ask how I was (or even worse, where the bump/baby was!) and I wasn't sure I could handle it so soon but actually, only 3 asked directly but more acknowledged me and the lack of bump, with a smile. Those who did ask, I was able to answer without tears..progress?! 1 did ask me 'are you really sure you're OK?', complete with furrowed concerned brow and I did get a knot in my stomach but answered truthfully when I replied that I was. I just feel glum because I'm no longer needed in that special way. It's because no-one is reliant on me and my body, because I have no appointments, because I have nothing special about me, because I've gone back to being simply 'me' and not me, the surrogate. Summing that up - it's because I'm not pregnant - that's it, I loved being pregnant as I've said before and now I'm not I'm sad and without direction.

I wish I could explain it better but I can't. It's a strange mixture of feelings and thoughts and unless you've been here too, you can't get what it feels like. Not even K and B can truly understand because it's a woman/maternal/post-birth/hormone thing and so even when they ask how I am and I explain and they try and sympathise and support - it's really without true understanding but not for the lack of trying I'm sure. I think that bit is hard because I want people to be able to say 'oh totally, yes, I felt the same' and no-one can so I am stumbling alone through the days and hoping that what I'm feeling is normal and that things will change but in reality, I'm scared that's not true and then I worry that I'm working myself up and making things bigger and deeper than they need to be.

I still don't miss Oliver, when I see pictures of him though it does feel awkward and part of me gets a jolt in my heart a bit. I just hope that in a week or so, he doesn't start to look like me or my children as that scares me a bit. It won't change that he's not mine and nor will it change that I don't want him - that much I'm sure of still but it will perhaps be a bit of a challenge mentally to get to grips with and it does play on my mind. As with all things surrogacy, as a first-timer, it's a wait and see situation and not something I can foresee - hopefully it won't happen so will not be an issue. Scotland will definitely help distract me and especially seeing my lovely mum and grandmother.

Day 4 almost done, bedtime is here and tomorrow is another day...Deep breaths.

Day 3 - Hard One

Today has been the hardest so far.

I woke up after a great sleep, still far too early as my son had rugby early this morning but still, pain free from the codeine effects and better for the first decent nights sleep in a good few days.

Then again life kicked in - the children bickered like always, the toys were flung on the floor, the washing up piled up in the sink and I felt yet again like I should be like nothing had happened and just throw myself back into life as before and yet I didn't want to.

Injection done again by hubby and thankfully no sting this time. We still can't figure out what he did differently but both today have been pain free for the most part so that was a small highlight in an otherwise mundane day!

We didn't do much today, I lounged around. Less tears to begin with, apart from when K & B's midwife called (as expected) to get consent for a blood test for Oliver. She was sweet, she enquired how I was but it was just a realisation that I hold so much power over something I don't actually have. I don't want it at all but it's just strange to be reminded of it.

Late this afternoon we popped over to see my mother-in-law for an hour, for a breath of fresh air. She asked about the birth and we talked about it briefly - as I've said before, she's very laid back about the surrogacy thing and was asking genuinely but I kept that talk short and it's more because every time someone asks the one question 'how are you doing?' that I cry. I don't know what it is about that question but it sets me off every time. I guess I'm trying hard not to think about how I'm doing. I know I'm OK - as in, I know what they are thinking 'is she really OK after handing him over' and I am but I prefer not to think about it too deeply just incase, just incase there is a trigger I may pull that may completely turn me being OK on its head. No, I'm alright, I truly am and that silly question is just my hormonal trigger I think. Once hormones have settled, it won't set me off any longer I'm sure.

So, yes, back to less tears overal - well, until I realised that my boobs were giving me clues that my milk has begun to come in....

Oh man, they hurt. They are huge. And despite the fact I knew it was coming and that I have still not had any feelings of sadness that I don't have a baby here, it made me sad. Cue lots of tears. It's all hormonal, I don't even know why I'm crying, it just happens and then it stops as quick as it arrived and I go on about things as before. I anticipated this so I just remind myself it's hormonal and let it blow its way through.

Pain wise, it's been a better day - apart from the headache I have had all day that's been pretty awful. BP check definitely on the agenda tomorrow. The bruise on my back is starting to fade and I'm doing better, not great, I'm still shuffling but it's improving slowly.

K & B headed home today, they've been very sweet at keeping in contact with me and checking up on me - just as they said they would when I was still pregnant. I know it's hard for them too, as they adjust to a different life and as our relationship shifts to different dynamics. I don't know how I'm supposed to fit in or react - if they ask me if I'm OK, do they really want me to be honest? Or do I act like all is fine so as not to cause them any sadness or guilt? I usually go with honest. And then spend the next hour worrying that they didn't really want or need to know...Gah, hormones!

So yes, they headed home carefully and slowly with their precious cargo on board and straight to the new Nanny and Granddad's house to show their beautiful baby off. It is things like that that I love hearing, it makes me feel so happy that I've had a part in creating that opportunity or that moment. I hear both grandparents were as over the moon as we knew they'd be and there were lots of cuddles going on.

This evening, life continues to slowly move along for me. Sore boobs, painful back, aching uterus, throbbing headache but nothing outwardly to others has changed - they see me, bump less, they have no idea I've just had a baby or of the massive thing I've just achieved and that's a hard reminder. There's no attention in real every day life, there's no-one waiting with a huge smile for me to show off what I've just been through to have, there is no bunting or changing of profile pictures on FB. No, quietly life has slipped back to normal now Oliver is here and it's going to take a while to adjust to mentally. I'm not depressed or a wreck, I just feel a bit lost. A bit lonely. It's going to be OK though, I know that this too will pass. Just gotta keep swimming....just keep swimming.

Day 2 - Back To Life

After lots of much needed kisses and cuddles from my 3 babies and falling into bed at about 11pm, I slept pretty decently which was no surprise given how emotional and physically draining the past 2 days had been. I woke up feeling so much pain though and reached for the paracetamol without delay.

We should all of been exhausted and slept late from the late night before but no, my children who have more energy than the sun, were up at 7:30am and since I was awake and feeling pain, I was up too.

It was then that reality hit, the realisation that I'd just given birth and gone through physical hell but for everyone else in the house, life was no different of course. The washing still waited to be put on, the children still wanted their breakfast, the kitchen floor needed washing and the vacuum waited to be put into action. Feeling like it was apparently business-as-usual, I did all those tasks with some help from my husband. I don't blame him too much for not thinking that perhaps he should of taken on those tasks prior to me coming home - he just didn't think I guess but it upset me and I cried as I picked toys up, put clothes back in drawers and all while wincing, with the pain shooting all around my body.

I knew the midwife would be calling in and she called and told us to expect her in an hour. She's a midwife that works with the other 2 I see but I'd not met her personally yet. Her arrival (and my OCD and anxiety) meant cleaning and tidying was extra important. I know it's not, they see worse places by far but in my mind, I had to show her I was OK and keeping things running.

She was very sweet, taking care to speak to my children and to my husband. She asked the usual questions, did the usual checks and with that asked me what I'd like to do next...I got the impression and I could be wrong, that I could of said to sign me off and she would of there and then. A bit worrying because my BP had crept up. Not unusual for me post-delivery but requiring monitoring I felt. Anyway, it was left that she would call me in 2 days time to check up on me and see what was what then. I still don't know if she's going to visit or not or just telephone. I really want my BP checked again, especially since I've gone on to develop a bad headache and swelling. Will need to make sure either she checks it or the GP does either way. I told her I would like a call at least because I may need the emotional support - as I said it, my voice cracked a bit, I wonder if she noticed. As quick as she arrived, she left. And life continued in a whirlwind, as it always does in my household.

I shuffled around the house, I showered, my wonderful husband injected me for the first time at home and will continue to do that 2 x a day, for 6 weeks, I cried a few times and we went out to eat before heading over to see the new family of 3. We had all talked about the children meeting Oliver and since they couldn't the night before due to late discharge, we had agreed upon the morning. My children were so excited, asking all morning long when we could go to the hotel. We had to wait for Oliver's first midwife visit though but soon it was time. The children had picked out 2 tops as a meeting gift, I picked some flowers and a card - I want to get Oliver something personal from me, to him and that's been ordered so that will be sent on later but I didn't want to go empty handed on that important visit.

K and B's faces were a picture of happiness as we walked into the hotel, Oliver was in his swish new pram and the children lit up when they saw him! Helped by K and B being very thoughtful and getting them all the same teddy and Oliver had the same one in his pushchair...B explained to them that Oliver had picked them, so they all had something similar to remind them of one another when they were apart. My heart was pounding with how B worded it and how the children received the gesture - it was perfect and the children were thrilled.

They all got a hold of the special arrival and I took pictures. They were so good with him, my youngest was hesitant at first but warmed when he saw how cute Oliver was but sadly it didn't stop his grumpy mood for long and it was hard to keep it all together when he was acting up and trying to hurt what he knew were my sore spots, the other 2 were desperate for yet more cuddles and I felt that the guys were perhaps (and understandably so) anxious and a bit over-protective of their precious son, who was in the throes of being handled by 3 lively but very gentle children.

I held Oliver again and studied his sweet little face, he had changed so much already and in such a short space of time. As adorable and placid as he had been since birth, I made sure I took him in for the final time until we are next able to see each other again and kissed his sweet head, as did my children, and after some chitchat - it was time for us all to part ways.I held K close as we hugged goodbye, I could feel and hear his breathing quicken and knew he was trying to hold it in. Same with B and with that - the signal of the end of my journey and the start of theirs without me, we parted ways.

My children handled it so well, I like to think I've played a part in preparing them well for the end and it showed. No tears, no pleas to take the baby home, no mention of him being ours or anything. No, just lots of excited talk about how sweet he was and how they had their own Oliver teddy.

I still felt no sadness that I didn't have a baby, something tangible to show for what my body was reminding me I'd been through but I did feel very emotional. It was an up and down day, I just felt a bit lost really. I knew I was sad and I felt down but not for the reason I'd given a baby away - no, it was just hormones doing their thing and I went with it and cried and raged when I wanted to and didn't try and analyse why.

I took codeine that night, I needed to sleep peacefully and pain free to be able to process the day fully and get some much needed true rest and it did the trick thankfully.

Day 1 - Beyond Birth

Baby Oliver George arrived! 7lbs 10ozs of him, at 21:53 on the 10th of January 2013.

Since my waters had broken almost 42 hours before his birth, we had to all stay in for 24 hours worth of observations, to be monitored for infection. My waters had definitely broken, despite the doubters and this was made even more obvious by the fact that when they put the fetal monitor on his head, they didn't have to break my waters, the fact he was almost clean when born and that there was no gush of fluid at any point during the labour or delivery. It is very scary how things could of turned out differently had the midwife who committed to saying it was my waters, hadn't of done so - baby had already been without full waters for a long time by that point and I could of been sent home to await the induction appointment the next day....I appreciate it can be difficult if it's not clear cut and to all but a couple of professionals, it wasn't so I can't hold too much of a grudge I guess.

Anyway, so upon birth, baby had lots of skin to skin with K which was just the sweetest sight! It was beautiful to witness him and B bonding with their son, I could see the utter bewilderment on their faces that he was actually here and so completely perfect.

I didn't need any stitches, I had a tiny tear from where Boo had his hand up against the side of his face and his finger nail (long one, since he was overdue) had scratched me. Boo also had meconium on him but this wouldn't present an issue since it was a) not much and b) he would be observed for infection for 24 hours anyway already.

The midwife who had delivered him had stayed on past the end of her shift to do so, she had said she wanted to see the end of the labour. It was such a sweet moment, with her and the assisting (now relief) midwife giving us all huge squeezes. I remember them both telling me how amazing I was, what a special and strong lady I must be. It was just words but they literally crushed my heart with pride upon hearing that - for these ladies, who see babies arrive every day, parents with stories to tell about how they had got to that moment, to then single me out with such warm and kind words was just fantastic and made me soar high. I will honestly remember them forever.

We had tea and toast in the delivery room and I was given a wash over by the assistants. The boys dressed their baby (they did very well btw - I was impressed with their speed and confidence!) and gave him his first feed. B called his Mum to tell her of the arrival and had her on speakerphone - to hear the elation in her voice was so lovely, it was another reminder of just how many people my one act can touch.

We were very fortunate that they did indeed find us a private room up on the ward, just as they had said they would try to do and within an hour or so, we were moved upstairs. The midwife who had helped assist in Oliver's arrival gave me a huge squeeze one again, uttering yet more sweet words in my ear and with that we went upstairs.

The 3 of us had already decided that K would stay overnight so once B got us all seen to our room and settled, he kissed us all goodnight and then it was just us. We were all exhausted but couldn't switch off from the high, we watched Oliver in his cot. K just beamed with pride and was such a good Daddy from the start, he expertly and swiftly changed nappies, fed and winded his son with such a gentle touch and so much pure love.

We had been told K would be given a chair to sleep in but didn't quite anticipate that it would be literally a chair. A hard chair. No recline feature. Nothing. In the end, K slept on the hard floor with 1 blanket, 1 pillow and his jumper under his head. He must of been so uncomfortable, I felt truly bad to be laid in a comfy bed but I don't think it really mattered to him because he was there with his baby and it was just a mere inconvenience. Besides, as I said, we didn't get much sleep anyway! We talked, well so tired, we actually mumbled through conversations - it was nice, we bonded and shared special moments with Oliver. It was truly as lovely as I thought it would be and I'm glad we were able to do it. If we'd had an early morning (and drama free) birth we would of been discharged without that opportunity.

I didn't feel anything towards Oliver though - I couldn't believe how perfect he was, I loved watching him sleep and hearing him snuffle but there was no emotion or bond forming towards him. It was as it should of been. I do have to say now I've been there, that I don't understand when surrogates say they have a 'high' after delivery. I never felt that, I never felt elated, I never felt anything other than peace I suppose. Complete. Happy the job had been done safely perhaps? But no, not a high or a feeling of 'let's do that again!'

Anyway, back to our first night. So, both Oliver and I had obs done throughout the night and all were stable. Around 2am, I started to feel pain in my tummy and assumed it was because I needed to empty my bladder - I hadn't had a catheter since around 7pm and had been given a lot of fluid during labour and was completely and totally numb from the pelvis down from the epidural so it made sense it could be my bladder's way of crying for some attention. I called the nurse who asked if I could walk yet, which I couldn't so she got me a bedpan. I couldn't feel anything to even be able to let go and well, go. So it didn't work but she said to give it a little longer and I probably would be able to do so once things started wearing off more.

She was wrong. The pain continued to get worse and I tried so hard not to complain but it go so bad around 3am that I buzzed the nurse and asked for some painkillers and she asked which I wanted - codeine or plain paracetamol. As readers know, I avoid taking even paracetamol because I am panicky about side effects but this should tell you how much pain I was in when I asked her which was strongest and took that one, yep codeine. She also said she would get help and try and get me to the toilet so I could attempt to empty my bladder again - incase that was the cause. Except she took forever to come back and I was almost crying, K was beginning to get concerned by the level of pain and went looking for her. Thankfully she did eventually come and between her, me and another midwife, eventually we got me into the en-suite in our room and gravity did its job. Let me tell you, it was definitely my bladder yelling at me because I have never ever seen so much liquid come from one person. LOL. Aaah, the relief. Well, from that and the codeine kicking in anyway.

Back in bed, in the throws of a drug induced haze and with, strangely for the middle of the city, a cockerel crowing outside, both K and I went quiet and decided we really must get some rest and turned over to snooze. We probably only got about 2 hours I think - I recall K breathing deeply during that time so think he got some good power-napping in too and we were all woken around 6am when another set of obs was due.

Still not able to believe Oliver was here, K and I blearily sat and ate some tea and toast for breakfast. Him attending to baby and me just watching from the sides. I hadn't held Oliver until this point - I almost didn't trust myself from the epidural effects, the codeine effects, lack of sleep clumsiness and just not wanting to feel attached but K needed his hands free for something, so I offered mine. As Oliver was placed into my arms for the first time, I felt still no emotion. He was the cutest ever but he didn't look anything like me or any of my children - instant relief. That had been a big fear of mine. Phew. He was gorgeous and baby like and lovely and I cooed genuinely but no, no bonding went on and I handed him back to his rightful owner without any tug of emotion.

9am came and B arrived, his turn to spend time with his son and bond and K's turn to think about getting some rest or at least a shower back at the hotel. B took to it like a duck to water, taking care of Oliver's needs and giving him lots of skin to skin when his temperature was slightly low. It was so lovely to witness, it really confirmed what I knew all along - they would make fantastic parents.

Oliver had his first paeditrician check up on the ward and passed. He will need a 6 week ultrasound of his hips because he was breech for so long and because both my sister and I had clicky hips at birth. There was an awkward moment trying to explain to the doctor who needed to be informed to make that referral happen but we got there in the end.

B and I tried to relax and chill out during the morning, it was a day of waiting for obs to remain stable and hopefully get discharged late evening. I was by this point so tired, everything was hurting a lot to be honest and I was starting to get tearful and anxious. Thankfully my wonderful husband was able to visit mid-morning and that was just what I think I needed - some familiarity and some personal support, from someone who knows me best.

I also had a visit from an anaesthetist who asked me about my epidural experience and my pain level now. It was no surprise to hear her say she saw a bruise on my back, I felt it! Ouch, another part of me that was incredibly painful. :o(

A highlight, perhaps sad of me but still, was to read all the support and love and well wishes on Facebook about our news! It was so lovely to read how thrilled people were for us and how many people had been following our journey. It kept me going as I hit refresh, trying to stay awake and trying not to concentrate on the pain I was feeling everywhere. Even more lovely to read the sweet comment from the new Nanny on there, for me. Really helped boost my spirits!

I received so many thoughtful private messages, asking me how I was doing, offering a listening ear if I needed it, and congratulations again even if I didn't. I didn't have the energy (or answers to that question at that moment) to answer but it helped to keep buoyant when I was starting to flag after a long night and an even longer day ahead.

There had been talk they may skip the final 24 obs, at 10pm and we could leave after the 6pm ones but then the midwife looking after me confirmed that no, the doctor said we must complete all of them. We understood but were a bit disappointed. None of us wanted to stay in another night, just because it was going to be so late - there would hopefully of been no clinical need to since we knew we had both been stable all day so far but still.

So, we were given the choice. Wait and be discharged after those last obs or stay another night. It was difficult because my husband was home with the 3 children and if he came to get me, it would mean bringing them all out at 10:30pm at night. My children really wanted to meet Oliver that day but bringing them in early and staying overnight wouldn't of worked as they would of been upset to of had to of left the ward without me coming and yet they couldn't meet him upon discharge, that time of night as it just wasn't practical at all. Lots of consider. And of course, whether K and B wanted to stay overnight or not.

In the end, it was me who said I had to get out of the hospital. I had just reached that point where I needed some space and my own bed. I think the guys felt the same. We love each other but it's an intense situation to find yourself in, just having given birth, to be sharing the same small room with that baby - that isn't yours, and with 2 first-time parents. Throw in a whole lot of pain, a whole little amount of sleep and it's not a good mix for anyone. I admit I cried a lot as I walked the hospital corridor and took a shower - watching the clock tick and counting down until we could leave. Our midwife saw me and I know she knew I had been crying, despite lots of cold water and deep breaths it must of been still so obvious.

It was hard also to get any space to myself because we had been told that because I was the legal parent and the guys aren't, I couldn't leave Oliver with them or go anywhere without him at all. Thankfully one midwife was a bit less strict at the end of our stay and I was able to step outside the ward for a few minutes and gather myself and my thoughts. It was a sharp reminder though that just having a baby and handing it over doesn't absolve the surrogate of responsibility at that point - there's a lot of things the IPs cannot still do or authorise - such as when the midwife arranged for K & B to get a midwife visit at their hotel, I would need to give consent for any tests for Oliver over the phone for instance. These are things that you don't consider as a first-time surrogate or IP because you've never been there before to know - hence writing it here, hopefully it may help another first-timer know what to expect.

I had to go through some official stuff for discharge and so did K and B. I left them alone for their talk with the midwife and when it was my turn, she knew I was fragile and so K and B were gently and sensitively guided out for a wander whilst we had it. She asked me, with such care if I was OK and that opened the flood gates again. I straight away told her it wasn't Oliver, it wasn't the guys, it was me. I was tired, in so much pain, missed my own children and just wanted to go home. I perhaps should of mentioned earlier in this post that this same midwife, who was caring for me and Oliver that day, was a school friend of mine! We were in the same class. She recognised me that morning and came and asked if I was OK with her looking after me, to which I said of course! It was nice to reminisce with her briefly at that time but when we sat in the room and she asked me how I was feeling and genuinely seemed to care about the answer, it felt so comforting to have a familiar face there. We chatted more, she enquired about my surrogacy journey and had never dealt with a surrogate birth before and I asked her about her life and it was just a bit of normality in an otherwise crazy and surreal day.

Anyway, that done, we waited with baited breath on those final obs, the midwife said she would make sure my injections (remember I have to have 6 weeks worth of blood thinners, to prevent clots) were ready, the notes were completed and we could leave upon confirmation of hopefully normal final readings. Which we thankfully got at 10pm and with that - we were given the nod to go!

My husband arrived and the guys armed with bags, me with medicines and oh yes, them with a newborn baby - we all headed out of the hospital and exchanged hugs and with that, went our separate ways with a promise to speak in the morning.

Birth Story - Part 2

Where are we...Oh yes, 24+ hour since my first sign labour had perhaps begun and now 8 days overdue.

I was still having infrequent contractions and decided to get up and take the children to school with the hubster, instead of laying in bed - I figured it was best to keep mobile to get gravity working with me and stir things up. We dropped them off and then headed to a few shops to get some things, I was walking the pace of a snail by this time and almost shuffling - stopping to breathe through the small contractions when necessary. I wasn't leaking fluid any longer, the loss was still there - pink/light red but it wasn't as wet as pure liquid or coming out randomly any longer so I was unsure what was going on but that perhaps I'd had a slow leak that had resealed or that his head had engaged further and was plugging a hole. Either way, I knew that things were definitely happening still.

10:30am and my midwife appt was here, I met K & B at the clinic and despite being an hour behind and poor K & B getting a parking ticket (which they are appealing on the advice of the attendant, who didn't disbelieve us when we said we were held up in the clinic and that we were now racing to the hospital to have this baby! LOL), it was a good appointment. I saw my usual community midwife (2 work at the clinic, I know both very well but this one was my 'usual' one, whereas the one who checked me out yesterday, was the other) who was very upset and annoyed to hear the hospital had discharged me last night. She knew just how dangerous their decision could be, since she also felt my waters had gone and if that was the case, time had been ticking a very long time and infection was a serious risk. Also her hands were tied because she was meant to give me a stretch and sweep at that appointment, with me being 41 weeks, but couldn't because she believed my waters had broken, which meant it was too dangerous to perform one. So, she called Delivery herself and told them I needed to be seen asap and voiced her concerns too and they told me to go in to be assessed once more.

Back to Delivery Suite the 3 of us went and went through similar to the night before. The midwife that morning was lovely, she had a very no-nonsense style but she knew her stuff we felt and was confident. Everything hinged on the speculum examination once more...

K & B were sweet and dived into the en-suite in the room together, so I could have a bit more privacy, I wonder if seeing it twice the night before, they weren't so keen for a repeat showing! LOL. Anyway, the midwife was very thorough, she asked me to cough before even beginning - to see if there was any liquid leaking and she said there wasn't. As she walked away, I felt a trickle and told her so and she agreed but it was bloody so could of been just more show/discharge. Anyway, in with the instrument of torture (!) and she looked twice, having me cough each time. Silence, as she deliberated slowly....And then she said 'I think that's waters. Yep, I'm going to call it as that'. With those few words, things really took off!

Induction. I would be going nowhere. My waters had officially been noted as ruptured, more than enough time had passed, infection was a big risk now and we needed to get this baby out without delay. The midwife told me that she would speak to the doctor about what to do, which method to use. She was so thorough in explaining to us how things worked at the hospital, especially as I knew nothing about induction and was a total newb to it all and clearly very anxious.

Dr would either suggest the gel on the cervix. Which could take hours to kick in, would be done in the room and then I'd be moved to a ward upstairs overnight - which I didn't want as I would of been left alone overnight, possibly in pain too and something I was keen to avoid since I had experienced being alone, contracting strongly overnight on a ward with my 2nd child and I still get upset remembering it. And if the gel didn't work, I would then need to wait for space in Delivery again, to get the drip in the morning (and more importantly wait to get an epidural if the gel did work overnight!).....Or the doctor would suggest the drip straight away, which would get things moving quicker but would be more painful. It all hinged on what method the doctor preferred and thought best for my situation.

About an hour later, the midwife returned, she had spoken to the doctor who said the choice was mine. After we all discussed it, I went for the drip. I was petrified because I've heard horror stories about how painful it is. I have had the drip before actually but only when I've been IN labour already, just to move things along a little, not from kick-start to the finish line but the midwife was so fantastic, explaining absolutely everything and answering all our questions. It was now a matter of waiting for everything to be set up. She explained I could get an epidural earlier since I was in Delivery and getting induced. As I've said before, I've had trouble with epidurals not taking with my first 2 children and so was apprehensive but it was important to me to try one again, if I needed it, and hope for the best.

All of us sat, bewildered that today would be the day. Our lives were all going to change forever and we were (hopefully) mere hours away from the big moment! K went and got some food, B sat with me and we talked and laughed. A new midwife arrived on duty, to take over our care and who was equally as lovely and no-nonsense, we knew we were in good hands and then the moment she came into the room and gave me a gown and was to get started on the IV line had arrived.

Ouch, that sums up that moment. LOL. The midwife who had just handed us over came in to do the jabbing - she is apparently more experienced than the new midwife who had taken over, because that lady is full-time so does IVs more often compared to her. Anyway, it wasn't to be that experience helped (her or me!) because the poor woman tried 3 times to get one in. Nowadays they put local anaesthetic into the veins they *may* use first, so I had several of those before the big needle even came near me. Unfortunately my veins decided to run away and so after 3 attempts, the midwife admitted defeat and asked the anaesthetist to give it a try, since she had grabbed him to come and talk to me about my epidural anyway. I think she was upset that her status as ' the more experienced one' had been called into question. LOL. But it wasn't her fault at all, just one of those things. I thanked her again for her care and she went off shift.

The anaesthetist was very nice, explaining the risks of the epidural and asking about my history, as he quickly but expertly slipped the IV in without even blinking!

It's weird how things happen so quickly when a decision is made, it seemed like a flurry of activity from the words 'let's induce!' It was nice though as it took my mind off what was actually happening and to come.

The midwife put the drip up and as before, explained every step and made sure she told us all what and why and answered any questions. She said they could turn the drip up in increments of 2 (or more if necessary) from 2 to 20 and if things got too intense too quickly or baby showed signs of distress, she could turn it back down. I felt that she had it all worked out and was in control, which was comforting because I felt zero control at that stage and started to shake.

Almost straight away I felt the contractions intensify but it was manageable, I just breathed through them as necessary and the chit-chat in the room distracted me too. One thing about being induced is that the midwife doesn't leave you really, she has to be there to monitor you and baby continuously. I haven't had that before and it was as much reassuring for me and the guys, as nice to simply have the new company. Before long, the midwife could see that I was struggling a bit and suggested it was time for the epidural. See, that sort of attention was fantastic, I didn't have to ask, she read the signs and it was perfect timing.

Whilst waiting for the anaesthetist, K asked our midwife about gas and air. He had been desperate to give it a try and now since I was having an epidural, he didn't think he'd get the chance. The midwife jumped on that...And wheeled a canister of it into the room. With a wink and a 'ssssh', K ticked off that from his bucket list. LOL. It was so funny watching him inhale it, feel the effects and then feel even more giggly from the fact he'd been a naughty boy by trying it on the sly. See, that's why I loved that midwife - she was different, we gelled, we had the same sense of humour and it helped to pass the time and ease the tension.

A different anaesthetist to the one who had briefed me on them and put my IV in earlier, came in, I recognised him actually as being the same man who did my middle child's one. He has a lovely manner but looks about 12! He was excellent at putting me at ease, lots of information and reassurance and a calming manner. The guys stepped out for this part, I don't think anyone chooses to witness an epidural insertion to be honest though.

He spent a long time pressing my back, getting the right spot and seemed to push a fair bit inserting the line but before long, it was all done and the good stuff was pumping through. It seemed to take a while to adequately feel the real relief but we got there. I had a self-administered pump epidural, another new thing to me but it meant every 15 minutes, I could press a button if I felt I needed extra pain relief and I would get a pre-set dose of the medicine. Very cool.

It did work though, I realised how well when the midwife was saying 'she's having one now' to K & B and I realised that I couldn't feel it. Yep, it was most definitely doing something good! I did begin to feel less of a block on my left hand side though, much as I did with my previous epidural experiences unfortunately but gritted my teeth, pressed for a top up when I was allowed, concentrated my breathing on the big ones and got on with it.

The midwife was having trouble throughout with picking up the heart rate on baby, it's because I'm a larger girl and just because the way external monitoring works is not the best. She had pre-warned us that baby need a clip on the head, to keep an eye on the heartbeat so it was no surprise when the time came for her to suggest we do that. We were fine with it, I've had it before in labour but she gave K & B lots of reassurance and info on why it would benefit both baby and I. She had a bit of trouble performing it because she didn't have very long fingers she said! It was sweet that she kept saying 'hello' to baby though - because she could feel his head as she was doing the procedure.

So yes, she fitted it, I didn't feel a thing obviously! It gave her a chance too, to check my cervix and see how things were progressing. She hadn't done it before because when your waters go, they keep examinations to a minimum because of infection risk. I was keen to know what the drip had done so far too. I was at 4cms she declared, very pleased with herself as much as me! I was already in 'established labour'. Wooot! At 6pm, I believe some 2 hours after the drip had been switched on, I was well on my way to delivery of my first surrogate baby.

She confirmed what she had said during an earlier external palpation of baby, that he was slightly back to back. I was so glad I had an epidural as I know how painful that labour can be x 2!

My husband, who had picked the children up from school, given them their tea and then dropped them at my sister's house, arrived to give me some moral support and that was much needed. K & B were doing a sterling job too, lots of hand holding and they were helping the midwife too when she needed things moving or fetching - it was all chilled and calm and helped me to remain focused and calm too.

Several times, the midwife noted some deceleration of the heart rate. Having trouble picking it up over a decent period of time, me being moved around and having to jiggle the internal clip to pick up a trace a few times meant that it wasn't in context though. She couldn't tell if it was worrying or if it was along with a contraction so normal etc. She had 2 different doctors in I believe (will check when I get my notes) to look and offer their opinion, they agreed it overall looked pretty OK but that they were still worried. They decided to keep a very close eye on things and pop back and review. I can remember thinking, this is going to end in a section and I've gone through all this to end up with that. I was really upset but in too much pain and in the zone to vocalise it to anyone.

The anaesthetist came in to check on me a few times, I told him I was still feeling the pain on the left hand side and he suggested perhaps pulling the line out of my back a little and giving me a double dose of the meds, to see if that would help. He said if it didn't, he could perhaps give me a different med down the line and if that didn't work then obviously they were out of options unfortunately. I appreciated his honesty and that I'd at least given it a try. Also, in fairness, it was working about 85% which was better than nothing.

Soon afterwards, hubby left. The midwife had trouble picking the heart rate up yet again, even with the internal method being used. She explained how temperamental they are, if baby moves one way or I move, it can stop picking up and I need to then be moved to another position and if that doesn't help then it may need to be re-inserted. In the end, despite me moving all manner of ways, propping a pillow between my knees and jiggling the wire, it wasn't proving much use and needed to be redone. The midwife asked a colleague, with longer fingers, to do it and they did it together for the 2nd time and she went off for her break, leaving long-fingered Annie (no, that wasn't her name btw) to look after me and she confirmed I was 4-5cms now.

When the other midwife returned from her break, the relief one suggested I lay on my left side to try and get the epidural to migrate because I was still feeling a fair bit of pain on that left hand side. Also, it would help bring the head down further. My midwife was loathe to move me because every time she did, the monitor, which they had just got working really well, would stop picking baby up but felt she had to suggest and try it - in the name of making me more comfortable hopefully so I moved to my left and then to my right when exactly as she had predicted, the heart trace was lost. More worryingly, from my point of view, the pain intensified with a huge jolt. The pain I had still  been feeling but was just about able to cope with, jumped from a 7 out of 10 to a 10 out of 10. I could hardly breathe, I could hardly open my eyes, I couldn't speak. It was out of this world painful. K's face said how I looked, he looked so scared and upset for me and I was so upset, I'd gone from 85% pain free to about 35% in that one movement. AND they lost baby's heart rate again to boot. Oh and my BP was creeping up - perhaps from the pain, rather than anything sinister the midwife thought but I had bloods taken to check again for pre-e starting.

So, I switched back to being on my back. I furiously pressed the button every 15 minutes, asking K to watch it infact and hit it when time was up. I could not believe how much it hurt. The midwife said that at 9:30pm, she would examine me again and see what was happening. The drip was now only up to 8 (from the 2 I started with) but was already doing the job, I was well into labour.

It felt like hours and hours but K has told me from moving me and the pain stepping up, to pushing, it was actually only 45 minutes or so. I remember feeling so sick that I asked the midwife for a 2nd (I'd had one much earlier on) lot of anti-sickness meds. Thankfully that kicked in fast, I recall thinking I'd wait until it did and then ask for gas and air, to help with the awful pain but I didn't want to use it before the meds or I knew I actually would vomit.

9:30pm finally arrived and cervix check time had arrived....None of us could believe it when she said 'he's RIGHT there. Baby is sat right between your legs!' We had expected her to say I still had hours to go. K told me after that he wanted to laugh, just at the sheer shock of being told that! It certainly explained the increase in pain, it had been him coming right down and trying to tell me that he was ready to make his entrance!

K said I hadn't made a noise, just calmly breathed through everything so it was a surprise to be told that I was at the pushing stage and I was still so calm and controlled. Nothing like those programmes you see on television, with the woman yelling like she's being murdered, and at only 4cms! I guess labour and I just do things differently - as I've said before on my blog, I don't yell or shout. I just don't, not because I'm amazing or do it better than anyone else, I've just never felt the need or urge to do it to handle the pain - I can't see how you can shout, I can barely get enough breath when it hurts that bad, let alone an even bigger lung full to be able to shout out.

So, anyway, yes, baby is there ready to meet his Daddies! The midwife had said he had ginger hair. Having not opened my eyes at all, I didn't see her face but thought she was serious and my heart pounded (joke between us all from earlier...) but then heard K and B laugh so knew she was kidding but was thinking 'she can't even see his hair so of course she's joking!'

A minute later, she said 'I think we'll have a baby by 10pm' but I again thought she was joking and  smiled (well grimaced) but minutes later, she was getting the 2nd midwife in to assist (who was the lovely midwife who had assessed me on Delivery at 34 weeks, when I popped in because of lack of movement from baby) and getting the baby resuscitator into the room and I knew she was deadly serious. Oh my god. My moment, K & B's moment, was here.

With that, she told me to grab my legs and push. She knew I couldn't tell when my contractions were here, I was still in excruciating pain and so I was completely reliant on her telling me when to push and it was her and her partner midwife who gave me the strength and confidence to know I was doing it right. One had her hand on my stomach, feeling for the start of the contraction, one ready to guide baby out. And with K & B on either side, holding my hand, whispering encouragement and watching as they waited for that moment they had visualised over and over in their heads....

Maybe 6 pushes later and I heard 'here is he! Hello Oliver! Meet your son, Dads!' and that was followed by sounds of a baby crying, as he took his first breath and K and B's joyous cry at meeting their precious baby boy. Lots of tears, laughter and hugs and kisses all round. B cut the cord, which was so lovely to see. B wasn't going to as he wasn't sure he could but apparently K had told him he should, it's a huge mental milestone and makes a memory and so he did, bless him.

I think the midwives were as emotional as us to be honest. I know that the original midwife out of the 2 had never had a surrogate baby delivery before so I'm positive it was super special for her in that respect. Both were incredibly elated for us, it made the whole ending that bit more memorable and I plan to write to all those who cared for us on Delivery that day, to tell them how much they contributed to the end of a very special and long journey.

And with that....a duo became a trio. A surrogate became complete. And, a family was made.




(More to follow)

Birth Story - Part 1

It's a little difficult to be entirely accurate with this because what I usually do is look back at my labour and delivery notes and piece together times and events, to put together the whole experience in order, because obviously I'm missing parts as my head was elsewhere! The hospital have changed their procedure and that section of my maternity notes is now removed from the folder....This has actually upset me a lot, I feel like they've stolen the only way I can read and understand how the labour and birth unfolded. Dramatic? Perhaps but it's how I truly feel and I do plan to ask under the Freedom of Information Act here in the UK for a copy because as with all my own children, I keep a copy of my maternity notes as part of their history - just something I like to do. It's fun to look back and/or compare experiences.

So, my point is that this birth story will only be what I can recall currently and I'm sure in a few weeks, when I have all the information available, I will be coming back and altering parts!

Oh and it will be verrrrrrry long. I don't expect anyone but those with an hour to waste, to read it but this is very special to me, to get it down and recorded so I'm not going even attempt to be concise I'm afraid.

So, 41 weeks was where we were. On that day, I went to bed feeling worn out as usual and anticipating a quiet night with no other drama than the usual insomnia and million trips to pee. As I laid there, Boo was kicking up a huge storm - much more so than usual and I remember thinking he would break my waters if he carried on that way....

About 4am, I turned over and had a weird, wet sensation below so got up and had searing pain in the front of my pelvis and went to the bathroom and found I was leaking pink slimey/gunky stuff. Now, I've never experienced waters breaking/a show/bleeding in pregnancy so this was quite alarming. I wasn't scared, after all, I was overdue but it was surprising to say the least. I remember sitting there thinking 'hmm, that's a new one!'

I called my husband, who was at work, and told him. I thought it was a show and based on what Google was saying and what my experienced friends on a message board were confirming too, that was what it was. I put some sanitary protection on and went back to bed, I tried to sleep but kept looking at my phone and looking at different sites. I think I was just worried because it was blood after all - not fresh blood and no gushes but still, blood in late pregnancy does alarm you.

At 5am and after several more trips to the bathroom to see what was happening still, my husband agreed I should contact K & B and let them know what was happening. It's a long drive for them to get to me, and traffic would begin to build. Not knowing what was happening or could happen, I felt it best to get them here as soon as possible, just incase....After all, even if that day was a false alarm, I would be having the baby by the Monday (would of been induced) so wouldn't of been too premature for them to be here. I made a point of saying I didn't know what was happening and that there was no rush, I wasn't feeling anything like labour pains or suchlike.

So, they were en route and I continued to monitor the situation. Tried to sleep but couldn't really, the gunky stuff continued but at around 6:30am, I had a small gush of clear liquid on one of the bathroom trips. I was sure this was my waters starting to leak but having had no experience of them breaking and it not being much, I didn't want to call Delivery Suite at the hospital and jump up and down about it. It continued all early morning, it was more liquid and less gunky than the 4am stuff so I knew that 2 separate things were happening - a show and then waters leaking. I took the children to school, put a call into my community midwife for some advice and did some housework and then called Delivery about 10am as my own midwife still hadn't returned my call and I wanted some reassurance and they told me to put a sanitary towel on, sit quiet and call back in an hour to talk about the findings.

I was still leaking bubbles and small gushes of liquid when I moved or coughed or well, infact did anything but was having no pain at least, just soreness and niggles - much like period pains. I had a nap with my hubby and left it a bit over the hour before calling Delivery back. The midwife was very 'meh' about it all. She said it was probably a show and that if it was waters, the pad would be soaked. I didn't agree with that at all but they call the shots so we left it that I would monitor the situation and see how things progressed. Meanwhile, K & B had arrived and were settling into their hotel. I told them not to come over or worry as nothing was happening and I would keep them informed if and when things changed.

Thankfully my own midwife did return my call around 2pm and said that she was sure that was my waters. She has many many years experience and I trust her judgement and told her that I was inclined to agree. She asked me if I wanted to go up and get checked out by her and get her opinion - since she's just up the road that made sense and plus, she had more power to call Delivery herself and get me seen.

Straight away upon looking at the pad, she said it was definitely my waters. She called Delivery and told them as much, that it wasn't 'possible rupture of members but definite'. They advised me to go up to get monitored but were still very uninterested, obviously not believing it despite having a fellow professional telling them what she had observed personally. I got the children from school and 2 went to a friend's house for tea and I settled them later for bed and then K & B then came over to take me to the hospital for a check-over.

We had a lovely midwife, who was accompanied by a student doctor. I liked both, the student was a bit awkward and uncomfortable but I think that was just inexperience generally - she was still attentive and tried to put us all at ease. They did a trace of baby, which confirmed that he was fine and happy and that I was occasionally having small but very irregular contractions but not much else was going on. There was one small deceleration of his heart rate, which meant she kept me on the monitor for a bit longer than usual but she was happy after that that it was a normal trace and nothing of concern.

Then came the dreaded speculum examination. Ick but necessary, I wanted to know what was what down there! LOL. K & B, at this point, had their first experience of the grosser side of having a baby. They did great though, very brave!

So, midwife said she thought it could be my waters but wasn't 100% ready to call it that but would wait - me laid down, another 20 minutes and repeat the examination - to see if the same happened again or not. Urine was clear but BP was up - it was very high for me and I think K, B and I all doubted it had accurately been done but the midwife herself (as opposed to the student) checked it several times and it was still too high...So, I needed to have the pre-e bloods done yet again, as I've had several times, thanks to one or two rogue high readings at that flipping hospital!

The 2nd examination was done and the midwife said that she thought it was just mucus and a show still and not actually my waters. None of us felt she was entirely comfortable with that decision but based on what she saw at that moment, she had to call it as it was - and that was that she hadn't seen any waters coming from the cervix. She was very sweet though, she could obviously see I was overwhelmed and a bit fed up already - as were K & B and she was supportive with her words which was appreciated. A doctor came in and ran through the findings and she said we had to wait for the blood results but it could be a couple of hours, I was desperate to get home to bed - incase things picked up, I hadn't slept since 4am and it was now nearing 11pm. After the doctor left, the lovely midwife said (and I suspect she shouldn't of done so) that I could go and she would call me if the results came up with anything and with that, she let us go.

All a bit weary and feeling a bit deflated, K & B dropped me home again and went off to the hotel for the night. As soon as I got in, I cried at my husband, ate a big cream cake and got into bed! Sums up how I was feeling by that point I think.

Almost immediately I began to feel a ramping up of contractions. They continued all early morning, I remember breathing through them half-asleep and thinking that they were pretty close together and that that was great as it meant hopefully that by the time the kids were getting up for school, I would be able to head back to the hospital to get rechecked and hopefully that things would be well underway. I did try and time them on my phone but kept falling asleep without hitting 'start' on the timer! Not helpful.

At 3am, I got up again to change my pad (the liquid was now more back to slime but it was still, as it had been the previous almost 24 hours, pink/light red) and got back into bed, I realised that my contractions had stopped. Almost 20 minutes went by and not a single one. Ugh. So, that was that then. False start....

But they did start again but were infrequent still and stopped pretty much if I got up from the bed - which I know means they are not real, useful contractions. I felt really fed up at this point but had a midwife appointment that morning so knew I could at least moan to her and get it all off my chest.

K & B hardly slept either, unsurprisingly and so I think we were all thankful for daylight to break so we could start a new day and see what came....

It's Your Birthday, Baby!

Quick and short for now:

Baby arrived on the 10th January @ 21:53!

Happy, healthy and the picture of gorgeousness. Daddies are over the moon and totally besotted.

I will be back to do my view of the birth and the first few hours and days as a successful surrogate. Yay, I'm finally a successful surrogate and I couldn't be any more proud of us all!

7 Days Over

This was to be my post at exactly 7 days overdue, I wrote it the night before I turned 41 weeks and saved it as I was going to add a bump picture the next day and then post it. Of course things kicked off on the labour front and it has just sat unpublished but instead of deleting it, I want to post it as it was how I was feeling at that time. 




 

And we're still both hanging in there! Yay and ugh.

So, here's your 41 week bump picture: (note I never took a 41 week picture after all - other things on my mind! But here's one from mid-week that week...)

Either this baby is one stubborn monkey, or my cervix is a ring of steel - not sure which, or perhaps it's a bit of both but neither are giving in easily.

I'm OK, well fed up of the incessant waiting and being on edge. Fed up of people asking me when it's pretty bloody obvious that I've not had him yet. I know their intentions are well but honestly, most of them have had a baby or 3 themselves so they really should know not to irritate the overdue and slightly unhinged lady.

I have a midwife appt tomorrow, I assume she will offer/do the stretch and sweep. I think she will arrange for me to be seen at the Day Assessment Unit the following day, for my pre-induction checks and to decide which method will be best for us and I'm expecting to be admitted for the process to begin on Monday. So, baby has 5 days to make an appearance....

I'm not looking forward to induction, the thought makes me well up. Firstly, it's an unknown for me because I've never been induced. Secondly, it's a train that once set in motion, doesn't stop until it reaches its destination. If things don't work or it doesn't go smoothly, I'm going to end up with a c-section and considering I was going to of had one at 37 weeks, that would be a bitter pill to swallow. I also do not want to be in hospital for days whilst they try and artificially force this young man out. I do not want to be away from my children or my husband, I don't want to be in worse pain (because inductions are notoriously more painful than natural labour) than what I'm fearing from a natural labour and in an alien environment to boot. I'm simply terrified.

It's all going pear-shaped it seems and there is nothing I can do to alter the course - that's Mother Nature for you. I literally feel like a lemming, waiting for my turn to jump off the cliff and I don't like it. I don't do out of control, I don't do going with the flow - it's part my anxiety issues and so one is setting the other off and making everything feel like it's spiralling out of my control. I'm also almost constantly nauseous from lack of sleep and panic, which of course makes me panic itself.

I'm having huge trouble sleeping, every twinge has me half panicked and half excited. My dreams are getting more vivid and I spend a lot of time just lying there during the night, worrying about how things are going to go and it's making me miserable. I feel like I want to cry all the time and that's not my personality at all.

I'm sorry, I know this should be (and it is!) a very exciting time, I've wanted this moment for what seems like an eternity but it's just not running how I thought it would and I feel almost cheated that not even this part of the journey can go our way and work out smoothly.

I've just had enough now, I'm not even physically uncomfortable or anything, it's the mental and emotional side of going overdue that's doing me in. I know that the end is in sight, this will not go on forever and I just have to be a bit more patient and have some faith that all will work out alright in the end but it's difficult after such a long time of anticipating something that in my mind, should of happened already.

I'll update tomorrow, after the midwife appointment....

Happy Due Date!

40 weeks and still hanging in there. I'm taking a bump pic per week now, well the final 2 weeks, if I last that long anyway and here is the magic 4-0 ones:

I'm no longer sleeping much at all, I'm tired enough but my body, mind and in particular my bladder, won't play ball so I toss and turn all night and usually see every hour on the clock. I definitely can't wait for this stuff to be over, I love my sleep. :o(

I continue to have lots of cramps and general aches and pains but obviously nothing to get excited about - I hope though that they are at least helping prepare my body for the big event and they will help with a smooth labour and delivery to make up for making me feel crappy for most of the time now.

K & B continue to hold fire in Kent, awaiting the call. It must be so much worse for them in that sense, at least I know that nothing is happening and when it does, will be the first to know - whereas they are in the dark and sit twitchy, for the phone to go!

I had a hospital antenatal appt this morning, all very routine and as expected. I had the token student come and talk to me before seeing the consultant. Normally, I'm accommodating because I like to educate them about surrogacy, since I may well be the first (and only) surrogate they may come into contact with but today, I was crabby and just wanted to get in and out as quickly as possible. I was still pleasant and answered all her questions but I definitely felt irritated on the inside.

Anyway, my BP is creeping up but still considered normal, urine clear so no worry about pre-eclampsia, baby head down but free in the pelvis according to the Dr and I'm to see my community midwife next week as normal and then if no Boo still, she will arrange the necessary referral to set up induction at the 12 days past my due date. Who knows if that will end up happening, I've given up trying to guess what will happen since this little monkey is most definitely the one in the driving seat and we're at his mercy!

I know I've mentioned my fears about labour before but they are intensifying as we sit tight waiting for the big kick-off. I swing between telling myself that what will be, will be and it's not like I can back out so I should just let it all go and deal with whatever happens, as it happens - to being absolutely petrified and hoping that whatever day we're on, isn't the day because I can't even contemplate going through it again without tearing up. I'm sure it's the case for a lot of mums as they reach delivery day but when you've done it before and so know what's to come and you've had bad experiences, those worries are magnified ten-fold. I wish I could be all chilled about it, all earth mother and Zen like but I just can't and I know it will serve me no good but there you go, it is what it is. Hopefully I'll be pleasantly surprised, like I was with my youngest - fingers crossed.

I woke up this morning feeling very fed up and tearful, I didn't want to get up and deal with another day but of course I did and it turned out to be pretty OK in the end. Me and hubby took the children swimming, it was nice to be weightless for an hour and wore them out and then we went shopping which distracted me for another hour. However I'm now aching all over - pelvis, back, uterus but I also have a sore throat so I don't know if I'm coming down with something or I just overdid stuff today - hopefully it's the latter because I do not need to deal with germs at this point in the game, that would just be the icing on the last-few-weeks-of-pregnancy crappiness cake.

I just hope to hold out 5 more days, if I'm going to be late that is! So that the children are back at school and I can at least labour in peace at home, after catching up on some much needed sleep (I can nap in the day, which isn't an option with the children on holiday from school still) but it's not like we have any idea what this baby has in store for us so we will just have to wait and see I guess!