I think I'm experiencing Clomid withdrawls or something, is that even possible? I would imagine so since I've had 5 days of a high level of the stuff and then today, it was abruptly stopped.
Severe nausea started around midnight and continued all night, I took a tablet that stopped me actually puking - I'm almost vomit phobic so was dreading that happening. I also found it hard to stay asleep, waking up every 15 minutes or so at times, which was not nice when all I wanted to do was sleep away the nausea. Ugh.
And then this morning, I had a very bad headache. So bad that I had to cut short a trip to the shops with 2 of my 3 children to come home, take tablets and lie down with an icepack on my head. That never happens, I'm not a headache person really.
Thankfully, the headache has calmed down a lot now but the lingering sickness has persisted and has been joined by lots of niggly pains in my abdomen again.
Hoping that this is a short-lived after effect of the tablets and tomorrow I'll be back to normal or else my weekend of fun with the family won't happen.
On a more positive note, IFs and I spoke at length last night about things and I think we're going to be ok after all. I'm so relieved and love that we were able to come together and hash things out and then realise that our match is too great to throw away. Bit touch and go for a while there and I really did believe that the end was in sight but thankfully, we continue to march onwards and together on this amazing journey.
Saturday 26 March 2011
Friday 25 March 2011
As Promised
Here is my post for today!
Today, Clomid wise anyway, has been ok again. Last day, with final tablet being taken in a couple of hours. I have had some ovary pain on and off but it's all good.
Other exciting news, well to me anyway, is that I took another IC OPK today and got a line! So I'm not quite broken after all. LOL. I don't know how strong the line was because I did it, left it to develop and then went out! However, some 6 hours later and it looks like it was a strong result to me. Now I know to avoid taking them until 3 days have passed after all or risk a false +.
And also, I'm pleased to report that the faulty thermometer concerns have been unfounded. My BBT has been consistently low and when I took it during the day to try out the accuracy of the thermometer, it was also lower than expected on several occassions. I went out today and purchased another one to compare and apart from a .2 odd difference, actually my original one is telling the truth it seems. I had to check it out though as I would hated to of missed ovulation.
This brings me onto the site where I chart my temps - it has an Estimated Due Date (EDD) calculator. This is both fascinating and a bit depressing at the same time, certainly for me this month since my EDD, if successful this cycle, would be 25th December - yup, Christmas Day. So what? I hear you say...Well, it just so happens that I have always wanted a Christmas baby. I don't know why, who wants to be ready to drop at that time of year with everything else to contend with?! Well, apparently I do. So, yes, that's put a little bit of extra pressure on me to get that BFP!
Lastly, things are a little delicate between my IFs and I. I wasn't sure whether to say anything publically since this only really came to a head today but again, I've never witheld anything before and I can't start now. Not sure I want to explain the situation, it's pretty complicated, not to mention personal too but I'm not sure if we can work through it. Neither one side is at fault, it's just a combination and a clash if I'm honest.
I hope we can sort things out, of course I do but I don't know if that's possible. The sense of overwhelming sadness I feel at typing that isn't explainable, I can't really put it into words but there it is. I hope this isn't the end of the road but sometimes, these things are taken out of our hands and the reasons aren't always clear at first. I do know I love these guys though and that whatever happens, I wish them nothing but love, luck and of course success - whether that's with me or otherwise.
Today, Clomid wise anyway, has been ok again. Last day, with final tablet being taken in a couple of hours. I have had some ovary pain on and off but it's all good.
Other exciting news, well to me anyway, is that I took another IC OPK today and got a line! So I'm not quite broken after all. LOL. I don't know how strong the line was because I did it, left it to develop and then went out! However, some 6 hours later and it looks like it was a strong result to me. Now I know to avoid taking them until 3 days have passed after all or risk a false +.
And also, I'm pleased to report that the faulty thermometer concerns have been unfounded. My BBT has been consistently low and when I took it during the day to try out the accuracy of the thermometer, it was also lower than expected on several occassions. I went out today and purchased another one to compare and apart from a .2 odd difference, actually my original one is telling the truth it seems. I had to check it out though as I would hated to of missed ovulation.
This brings me onto the site where I chart my temps - it has an Estimated Due Date (EDD) calculator. This is both fascinating and a bit depressing at the same time, certainly for me this month since my EDD, if successful this cycle, would be 25th December - yup, Christmas Day. So what? I hear you say...Well, it just so happens that I have always wanted a Christmas baby. I don't know why, who wants to be ready to drop at that time of year with everything else to contend with?! Well, apparently I do. So, yes, that's put a little bit of extra pressure on me to get that BFP!
Lastly, things are a little delicate between my IFs and I. I wasn't sure whether to say anything publically since this only really came to a head today but again, I've never witheld anything before and I can't start now. Not sure I want to explain the situation, it's pretty complicated, not to mention personal too but I'm not sure if we can work through it. Neither one side is at fault, it's just a combination and a clash if I'm honest.
I hope we can sort things out, of course I do but I don't know if that's possible. The sense of overwhelming sadness I feel at typing that isn't explainable, I can't really put it into words but there it is. I hope this isn't the end of the road but sometimes, these things are taken out of our hands and the reasons aren't always clear at first. I do know I love these guys though and that whatever happens, I wish them nothing but love, luck and of course success - whether that's with me or otherwise.
Thursday 24 March 2011
Better Day
I'm attempting to post via my phone, I've got a headache that came on suddenly a few hours back and some random abdomen pains started around the same time too. Not so good. Though I had a side effect free day until then I have to say.
Can't complain too much since it meant that I got to have a chilled out day, in the gorgeous sunshine we're having here and it boosted my somewhat flagging spirits, especially after the whole swelling to the size of a small airship episode and me wanting to stay inside so I didn't scare any children or animals! No, despite tonight's niggles, today has been a good day.
I wanted to post about other stuff but the combination of teeny keypad and bad head = not pleasant so I'm stopping here for this one. Final day of tablets tomorrow! Woohoo. Post for the day will include dodgy thermometers, Christmas EDD and deeper stuff, maybe.
G'night from me for now though.
Can't complain too much since it meant that I got to have a chilled out day, in the gorgeous sunshine we're having here and it boosted my somewhat flagging spirits, especially after the whole swelling to the size of a small airship episode and me wanting to stay inside so I didn't scare any children or animals! No, despite tonight's niggles, today has been a good day.
I wanted to post about other stuff but the combination of teeny keypad and bad head = not pleasant so I'm stopping here for this one. Final day of tablets tomorrow! Woohoo. Post for the day will include dodgy thermometers, Christmas EDD and deeper stuff, maybe.
G'night from me for now though.
Wednesday 23 March 2011
My View
Top one is from top looking down, on an angle and bottom shot is my hand under my breasts, the view looking straight downwards. This isn't as bad as it was earlier either. Ugh, I was expecting (and dreading) someone at the school gates asking me if I was expecting today.
Shocking eh? I'm so not leaving the house if this continues into tomorrow.
The Letter B
Is for bloating. Ouch. Very ouch. I was reduced to near tears and rolling around on the floor, it was only the fact I was in public that stopped either actually happening.
Honestly, it was shocking to see my whole abdomen swollen, I really did look about 6 months gone, how ironic huh?
Some prescription Gaviscon and a couple of tablets containing simethicone and I started to slowly deflate. Would of been funny, well maybe, if it hadn't of been so painful.
Oh and breast tenderness started today too. I'm so lucky.
On a more positive note, 6 tablets down and just 4 to go. Yaaaay! Compared to what I was fearing, the side effects haven't been too drastic which I'm thankful for but yes, I won't miss taking them come Friday night. Now just to hope they've done their job.
One final note, my IC OPKs arrived today and I've been told and read you shouldn't test with them until at least 3 days after you've taken the final tablet, to avoid a false +. I couldn't resist, they were begging for it so as an experiement (ok, that's just my excuse to be able to pee on a stick really!), I took it. Nothing. Stark freaking white. Hmmmmm. What does that mean? That I'm lucky it's not affecting my system at this point? That I am producing zero LH? Which would be confusing as hell as my body is meant to be full of the stuff surely. Or that it's just too early to be able to tell one way or another what it means, if anything? I sure hope it's the last option. I kind of regret testing now if I'm honest. A worry I could of well done without. That'll teach me.
Honestly, it was shocking to see my whole abdomen swollen, I really did look about 6 months gone, how ironic huh?
Some prescription Gaviscon and a couple of tablets containing simethicone and I started to slowly deflate. Would of been funny, well maybe, if it hadn't of been so painful.
Oh and breast tenderness started today too. I'm so lucky.
On a more positive note, 6 tablets down and just 4 to go. Yaaaay! Compared to what I was fearing, the side effects haven't been too drastic which I'm thankful for but yes, I won't miss taking them come Friday night. Now just to hope they've done their job.
One final note, my IC OPKs arrived today and I've been told and read you shouldn't test with them until at least 3 days after you've taken the final tablet, to avoid a false +. I couldn't resist, they were begging for it so as an experiement (ok, that's just my excuse to be able to pee on a stick really!), I took it. Nothing. Stark freaking white. Hmmmmm. What does that mean? That I'm lucky it's not affecting my system at this point? That I am producing zero LH? Which would be confusing as hell as my body is meant to be full of the stuff surely. Or that it's just too early to be able to tell one way or another what it means, if anything? I sure hope it's the last option. I kind of regret testing now if I'm honest. A worry I could of well done without. That'll teach me.
Tuesday 22 March 2011
And They Start...
Side effects for today are:
Sleeplessness - I woke maybe 7 times last night.
Back pain - I finally realised what the pain feels like...early labour pains. Ugh. Or ouch. No, infact both.
Ovary pain (mild) - Yes, already. I swear I'll be popping out double digits of eggs. Quads anyone?
Brain fog - Bit fuzzy headed. Not a pleasant feeling if like me, that is also an anxiety symptom too.
Very vivid dreams - Like really vivid. Funny when recounting them to others today but not so much when experiencing them.
Fatigue - I was in bed by 8:30pm last night, not such a bad thing when you're awake on and off most of the night (see first symptom on the list!)
Increased appetite - Not good when I am on a diet and so I'm at least trying to make healthy choices if I can't stop myself. This *could* be AF related rather than Clomid related though.
Hot flushes - Quite intense but manageable.
Really hoping things don't get worse the longer you take them but this time tomorrow, I'll be half way done with the tablets for this cycle! Even though the side effects aren't great obviously, it's really only for a short amount of time and for such a good reason that it's totally do'able. I'm no quitter!
Sleeplessness - I woke maybe 7 times last night.
Back pain - I finally realised what the pain feels like...early labour pains. Ugh. Or ouch. No, infact both.
Ovary pain (mild) - Yes, already. I swear I'll be popping out double digits of eggs. Quads anyone?
Brain fog - Bit fuzzy headed. Not a pleasant feeling if like me, that is also an anxiety symptom too.
Very vivid dreams - Like really vivid. Funny when recounting them to others today but not so much when experiencing them.
Fatigue - I was in bed by 8:30pm last night, not such a bad thing when you're awake on and off most of the night (see first symptom on the list!)
Increased appetite - Not good when I am on a diet and so I'm at least trying to make healthy choices if I can't stop myself. This *could* be AF related rather than Clomid related though.
Hot flushes - Quite intense but manageable.
Really hoping things don't get worse the longer you take them but this time tomorrow, I'll be half way done with the tablets for this cycle! Even though the side effects aren't great obviously, it's really only for a short amount of time and for such a good reason that it's totally do'able. I'm no quitter!
Monday 21 March 2011
Busy
I've been busy today, no not with the children (although one did return home earlier than expected from school with a lingering earache) and no, not doing anything practical, like a good stay at home mum should, such as baking or cleaning. Oh no, I've been busy in the ttc way!
First it began with taking my temperature to chart it which will help us track any ovulation pattern, that won't help this cycle since you only see a pattern AFTER the end of the cycle but useful nonetheless. Apart from being pretty fascinating, yes I'm that sad, it will also give any future medical professional a good idea of what happens during a cycle. Hopefully of course we won't be going any further than getting that script of Clomid though on that score!
Also, we will be able to confirm ovulation has happened and whether our insems were therefore timed right also. It will cut out waiting around 10 days past ovulation, for the progesterone blood test, which I'm looking forward to finding out the result of.
I've got admit that I'm an old hand at temping, after doing it for several years when ttc our own children.
For those not as experienced, I'll explain that there are a few rules you're meant to follow with taking your Basal Body Temperature (BBT), such as having a block of sleep before - good luck, I have 3 children under 7 for starters. Taking it the same time each day - sods law that I wake up too early and then have to take it or risk it not being accurate if I do it an hour later. And you have to take it as soon as you open your eyes at the chosen time, without doing much more than breathing and scrabbling around in the dark to find the thermometer - Which in my bedroom means hoping various things don't fall off the bedside cabinet at the same time and wake the small ones who've crept in and crashed out in various places around the room.
Thankfully, apart from waking 20 minutes before my chosen time - 5am of all times, but my children can wake for the day between 5 and 6am so I'm most likely to of had my 'block' of sleep around 5am, I managed to a) remember that I needed to take it this morning and b) not knock everything onto the floor, meaning I had the added bonus of an extra hour in bed as no children were disturbed. Woohoo, go me!
I was slightly disturbed by the result though, that indicated I was colder than I should be but then I realised a small person had pulled the duvet off of me and over himself and that the window had been open all night to stop irritating and persistent little person coughs and so it all made sense, I wasn't starting to slip into hypothermia after all! LOL.
When I got up for the day, not very refreshed for that extra hour either, I walked into the kitchen and saw the Clomid pack. Heart raced, butterflies started and I felt a little light headed, that was before I'd even swallowed the first pill! LOL. I was having an attack of excited jitters, thinking that hopefully this will be our magic pill that sees me firstly, ovulating and at a pretty decent level and secondly and most importantly, gets us in the pregnified way. And with that, the first pill went down the hatch.
Around lunch I then took my daily multi-vitamin, those things are not only huge (as K and B will agree, they are taking the male version) but they do not quite agree with me. Not in a writhing-around-on-the-floor type way, more just they give me tummy rumbles and I feel a little nauseous at times. Taking them with my main meal helps though and the benefits of all those vitamins and minerals far outweighs the niggly side effects.
And shortly after that, I popped an iron tablet. I've been taking these for a while to be fair so not strictly because of ttc but I know without them, should I get pregnant, it wouldn't be pleasant on my body as my level seems to be low permanently and drops even further when I'm pregnant.
Tonight I will take another 50mg dose of Clomid, hopefully any side effects will be go unnoticed that way. Oh apart from the rattle from all those pills, as I turn over, which will wake the entire house up at this rate!
I'm being asked about side effects from the Clomid already, I'm not even sure if there is a culmulative effect or if even one pill is able to produce any but the only one I may of had is a hot flush or 5 but since AF is here, it could just be due to that rather than the Clomid. Either way, it's not troublesome or anything. I'll live! And yes, K, I'm being a good girl and keeping myself hydrated. :o)
So, 1 down, 9 to go and then the fun really begins, I'm so looking forward to what this cycle will bring.
To end, here's a quick and concise link about Clomid and possible success rates. I have heard a lot of personal success stories amongst friends so fingers crossed I can join that elite club very soon!
http://www.womens-health.co.uk/clomid.asp
First it began with taking my temperature to chart it which will help us track any ovulation pattern, that won't help this cycle since you only see a pattern AFTER the end of the cycle but useful nonetheless. Apart from being pretty fascinating, yes I'm that sad, it will also give any future medical professional a good idea of what happens during a cycle. Hopefully of course we won't be going any further than getting that script of Clomid though on that score!
Also, we will be able to confirm ovulation has happened and whether our insems were therefore timed right also. It will cut out waiting around 10 days past ovulation, for the progesterone blood test, which I'm looking forward to finding out the result of.
I've got admit that I'm an old hand at temping, after doing it for several years when ttc our own children.
For those not as experienced, I'll explain that there are a few rules you're meant to follow with taking your Basal Body Temperature (BBT), such as having a block of sleep before - good luck, I have 3 children under 7 for starters. Taking it the same time each day - sods law that I wake up too early and then have to take it or risk it not being accurate if I do it an hour later. And you have to take it as soon as you open your eyes at the chosen time, without doing much more than breathing and scrabbling around in the dark to find the thermometer - Which in my bedroom means hoping various things don't fall off the bedside cabinet at the same time and wake the small ones who've crept in and crashed out in various places around the room.
Thankfully, apart from waking 20 minutes before my chosen time - 5am of all times, but my children can wake for the day between 5 and 6am so I'm most likely to of had my 'block' of sleep around 5am, I managed to a) remember that I needed to take it this morning and b) not knock everything onto the floor, meaning I had the added bonus of an extra hour in bed as no children were disturbed. Woohoo, go me!
I was slightly disturbed by the result though, that indicated I was colder than I should be but then I realised a small person had pulled the duvet off of me and over himself and that the window had been open all night to stop irritating and persistent little person coughs and so it all made sense, I wasn't starting to slip into hypothermia after all! LOL.
When I got up for the day, not very refreshed for that extra hour either, I walked into the kitchen and saw the Clomid pack. Heart raced, butterflies started and I felt a little light headed, that was before I'd even swallowed the first pill! LOL. I was having an attack of excited jitters, thinking that hopefully this will be our magic pill that sees me firstly, ovulating and at a pretty decent level and secondly and most importantly, gets us in the pregnified way. And with that, the first pill went down the hatch.
Around lunch I then took my daily multi-vitamin, those things are not only huge (as K and B will agree, they are taking the male version) but they do not quite agree with me. Not in a writhing-around-on-the-floor type way, more just they give me tummy rumbles and I feel a little nauseous at times. Taking them with my main meal helps though and the benefits of all those vitamins and minerals far outweighs the niggly side effects.
And shortly after that, I popped an iron tablet. I've been taking these for a while to be fair so not strictly because of ttc but I know without them, should I get pregnant, it wouldn't be pleasant on my body as my level seems to be low permanently and drops even further when I'm pregnant.
Tonight I will take another 50mg dose of Clomid, hopefully any side effects will be go unnoticed that way. Oh apart from the rattle from all those pills, as I turn over, which will wake the entire house up at this rate!
I'm being asked about side effects from the Clomid already, I'm not even sure if there is a culmulative effect or if even one pill is able to produce any but the only one I may of had is a hot flush or 5 but since AF is here, it could just be due to that rather than the Clomid. Either way, it's not troublesome or anything. I'll live! And yes, K, I'm being a good girl and keeping myself hydrated. :o)
So, 1 down, 9 to go and then the fun really begins, I'm so looking forward to what this cycle will bring.
To end, here's a quick and concise link about Clomid and possible success rates. I have heard a lot of personal success stories amongst friends so fingers crossed I can join that elite club very soon!
http://www.womens-health.co.uk/clomid.asp
Sunday 20 March 2011
Clomid, Here We Come!
Journey 1:
Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12 (took B6)
Unmatched:
Cycle 7: Length: 24 and LP: ? (not tracking ovulation obviously)
Cycle 8: Length: 26 and LP: ?
Cycle 9: Length: 27 and LP: ?
K & B stats:
Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 1: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 2: Length: 33 and LP: 10 (ill so late ovulation)
Cycle 3: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Cycle 4: Length: 26 and LP: 00 (annovulatory)
Cycle 5: Length: 27 and LP: 11
Cycle 6: Length: 28 and LP: 12 (took B6)
Unmatched:
Cycle 7: Length: 24 and LP: ? (not tracking ovulation obviously)
Cycle 8: Length: 26 and LP: ?
Cycle 9: Length: 27 and LP: ?
K & B stats:
Cycle 10: Length: 25 and LP: 10
Cycle 11: Length: 29 and LP: 14
Cycle 12: Length: 26 and LP: 10
Friday 18 March 2011
Avoiding This
I don't know why but I have been, maybe putting it to type and making it publically known has been a little difficult to swallow but I said I would be full and frank in this blog and so keeping true to that, here it is.
So, cycle 3 has yet to officially end but I had a repeat progesterone test and it came back as no ovulation, or if any, very weak, so AF is not far away. That much we know.
It was like a punch in the gut if I'm honest and resulted in lots of tears here, since last time my result was good and we all tried so freaking hard to make this cycle a success, but there you go. Nothing if not unpredictable, me! As anyone with any intelligence knows, it's perfectly normal to not ovulate every cycle and that, along with possible poor timing of the blood test, could be responsible for the result. I'm OK with that, whatever the reason really is, it happens, can't lay an egg every time, right?!
And actually, I feel pretty great not ovulating strangely enough. I'm anywhere between 9-11 dpo (another site, despite my post below, says you should go from the last + OPK!) and I feel good. No sore breasts, no cramps and no moodiness - I'm so happy that people keep asking me what I'm taking! At least that's something positive from the downer of finding out you didn't ovulate I guess.
I was very pleased to have ovulation confirmed for cycle 2 this week though. There was some doubt there since my hormone level was just below the cut off level that the lab gives the Dr but compared to this cycle's results, I definitely did ovulate says the professional. At least that's yet more confirmation that I did indeed have a very early miscarriage last cycle. Along with the faint positive pregnancy tests, the late arriving bleeding and all the symptoms I had.
The Dr is confused though because I appear to have all the signs of regular ovulation - such as perfect OPKs, correlating mucus and cervical position and very regular cycles too. She was so confused by my clinical presentation that she is seeking advice from our local fertility clinic as to what their opinion is.
On the back of that, I was able to have a really good discussion with not only K & B but once again the (a different one though) GP at my surgery. We've decided that since time is of the essence - it's not like I'm ttc my own child and have years, that we would be proactive and as such, I've got a box of Clomid in my kitchen which I'll be starting next cycle.
Even though we have no idea if I do have any problem and the Dr agrees that given a year, we would more likely than not conceive naturally, I am pleased that we are giving ourselves the best of chances and hopefully not making ourselves wait for a baby any longer than we need to. And of course, if it stops us all having to experience a repeat of last cycle, which could of been for any number of reasons but rubbish egg quality or low progesterone spring to mind, then that's got to be worth giving the pills a go.
As K pointed out in his own blog, I've been at this surrogacy lark for 9 cycles of actively ttc and 12 in total and that he's conscious that at some point, I could say to stop the roller coaster because I want to get off. I'm nowhere near that point but never say never of course. It's not just about me but about my family and how it affects them, something that I'm always conscious of. It's a delicate balancing act for sure.
I'm not bothered about actually taking the tablets. I've tried Clomid before, when I was ttc my first. It did give me hot flushes and I was highly irritable but sadly, it didn't make me ovulate but there could be many reasons for that, that aren't applicable now. Such as, my weight was different, I had cysts on both my ovaries, I had irregular cycles, the Dr didn't increase my dose to see if that helped and the blood tests could very well of been done at the wrong time. And not forgetting that since then, I've had 3 babies without any fertility assistance so my body obviously knows what to do these days.
I've got a lot of friends who've been very successful in conceiving on Clomid which gives me hope. Our main problem will be timing insems, since we can't just have sex every other day (or infact any day! LOL) like couples trying in a normal situation. So, I'll be taking OPKs, tracking my Basal Body Temperature (BBT) and as soon as it looks like it's all systems go, K & B will be racing here to start insems. This is on top of having blood monitoring at the Drs to ensure I'm on a dose that's doing its job and getting the egg/s released. I'm going to be even busier this cycle, if that's possible.
We've also researched one step further if Clomid doesn't work. I've been in touch with many fertility clinics about what we could do next - mainly thinking ovulation induction on a more aggressive scale from Clomid. Most clinics either said that they didn't have a licence to help in a surrogacy type situation (they have to be HFEA approved - Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority) or they said that they would only help with something like IVF and the majority of those were in the London area - a good distance from me.
A lot of them were also quite brash and said point blank, they wouldn't help in our situation - which was pretty disgusting. If we were doing host surrogacy or if we were in a heterosexual agreement, it would of been different.
Anyway, regardless, we had considered IVF as an option, should it ever reach that point but realistically it's too invasive, it's too expensive and is fraught with hurdles such as having to present our case to an Ethics Committee at the clinic and quarantining of sperm. It's not really a viable option for us. Certainly not at this stage.
I spoke to a very local clinic who said initially that they would only offer ovulation induction(OI) to couples. I went home and stewed on that and then bit the bullet and e-mailed them asking why that was, that as a single lady, why was I not eligible for ovulation induction? I had expected a pointed reply that that was just their criteria but actually, was very surprised, and pleased, to receive a completely different response. They could help us as our situation was very unique and they could offer injectible OI! Thrilled doesn't explain my reaction to that news - after so many rejections.
After further discussion with K & B, we decided though that we would go the Clomid route for a few cycles and see what happens. It's the least aggressive method of OI and if it gets me ovulating every cycle, a good egg (or 2!) and helps with my progesterone the other end of my cycle then that's all good.
I'm excited, nervous, positive and scared all at the same time. It's a huge leap from just taking it easy and seeing what happens, to taking the first step on the ladder of assisted conception really. I feel like I've gone back 8 or so years when ttc my own which is very strange indeed. And of course, despite me knowing better, it almost feels like I'm saying that I can't conceive naturally, on my own. That's hurts a little. I know that neither K or B see it like that but more that I'm to be applauded for giving us all an even better chance of it working, and sooner, but there is still a part of me that feels the sting a bit.
K & B are right behind me and I know I have their full love and support, which helps so so much. I certainly can't ever of imagined myself wanting to go down this path with my previous IPs and I think that speaks volumes about the type of relationship I have with these guys.
So, medicated cycle, here we come! Eeek!
So, cycle 3 has yet to officially end but I had a repeat progesterone test and it came back as no ovulation, or if any, very weak, so AF is not far away. That much we know.
It was like a punch in the gut if I'm honest and resulted in lots of tears here, since last time my result was good and we all tried so freaking hard to make this cycle a success, but there you go. Nothing if not unpredictable, me! As anyone with any intelligence knows, it's perfectly normal to not ovulate every cycle and that, along with possible poor timing of the blood test, could be responsible for the result. I'm OK with that, whatever the reason really is, it happens, can't lay an egg every time, right?!
And actually, I feel pretty great not ovulating strangely enough. I'm anywhere between 9-11 dpo (another site, despite my post below, says you should go from the last + OPK!) and I feel good. No sore breasts, no cramps and no moodiness - I'm so happy that people keep asking me what I'm taking! At least that's something positive from the downer of finding out you didn't ovulate I guess.
I was very pleased to have ovulation confirmed for cycle 2 this week though. There was some doubt there since my hormone level was just below the cut off level that the lab gives the Dr but compared to this cycle's results, I definitely did ovulate says the professional. At least that's yet more confirmation that I did indeed have a very early miscarriage last cycle. Along with the faint positive pregnancy tests, the late arriving bleeding and all the symptoms I had.
The Dr is confused though because I appear to have all the signs of regular ovulation - such as perfect OPKs, correlating mucus and cervical position and very regular cycles too. She was so confused by my clinical presentation that she is seeking advice from our local fertility clinic as to what their opinion is.
On the back of that, I was able to have a really good discussion with not only K & B but once again the (a different one though) GP at my surgery. We've decided that since time is of the essence - it's not like I'm ttc my own child and have years, that we would be proactive and as such, I've got a box of Clomid in my kitchen which I'll be starting next cycle.
Even though we have no idea if I do have any problem and the Dr agrees that given a year, we would more likely than not conceive naturally, I am pleased that we are giving ourselves the best of chances and hopefully not making ourselves wait for a baby any longer than we need to. And of course, if it stops us all having to experience a repeat of last cycle, which could of been for any number of reasons but rubbish egg quality or low progesterone spring to mind, then that's got to be worth giving the pills a go.
As K pointed out in his own blog, I've been at this surrogacy lark for 9 cycles of actively ttc and 12 in total and that he's conscious that at some point, I could say to stop the roller coaster because I want to get off. I'm nowhere near that point but never say never of course. It's not just about me but about my family and how it affects them, something that I'm always conscious of. It's a delicate balancing act for sure.
I'm not bothered about actually taking the tablets. I've tried Clomid before, when I was ttc my first. It did give me hot flushes and I was highly irritable but sadly, it didn't make me ovulate but there could be many reasons for that, that aren't applicable now. Such as, my weight was different, I had cysts on both my ovaries, I had irregular cycles, the Dr didn't increase my dose to see if that helped and the blood tests could very well of been done at the wrong time. And not forgetting that since then, I've had 3 babies without any fertility assistance so my body obviously knows what to do these days.
I've got a lot of friends who've been very successful in conceiving on Clomid which gives me hope. Our main problem will be timing insems, since we can't just have sex every other day (or infact any day! LOL) like couples trying in a normal situation. So, I'll be taking OPKs, tracking my Basal Body Temperature (BBT) and as soon as it looks like it's all systems go, K & B will be racing here to start insems. This is on top of having blood monitoring at the Drs to ensure I'm on a dose that's doing its job and getting the egg/s released. I'm going to be even busier this cycle, if that's possible.
We've also researched one step further if Clomid doesn't work. I've been in touch with many fertility clinics about what we could do next - mainly thinking ovulation induction on a more aggressive scale from Clomid. Most clinics either said that they didn't have a licence to help in a surrogacy type situation (they have to be HFEA approved - Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority) or they said that they would only help with something like IVF and the majority of those were in the London area - a good distance from me.
A lot of them were also quite brash and said point blank, they wouldn't help in our situation - which was pretty disgusting. If we were doing host surrogacy or if we were in a heterosexual agreement, it would of been different.
Anyway, regardless, we had considered IVF as an option, should it ever reach that point but realistically it's too invasive, it's too expensive and is fraught with hurdles such as having to present our case to an Ethics Committee at the clinic and quarantining of sperm. It's not really a viable option for us. Certainly not at this stage.
I spoke to a very local clinic who said initially that they would only offer ovulation induction(OI) to couples. I went home and stewed on that and then bit the bullet and e-mailed them asking why that was, that as a single lady, why was I not eligible for ovulation induction? I had expected a pointed reply that that was just their criteria but actually, was very surprised, and pleased, to receive a completely different response. They could help us as our situation was very unique and they could offer injectible OI! Thrilled doesn't explain my reaction to that news - after so many rejections.
After further discussion with K & B, we decided though that we would go the Clomid route for a few cycles and see what happens. It's the least aggressive method of OI and if it gets me ovulating every cycle, a good egg (or 2!) and helps with my progesterone the other end of my cycle then that's all good.
I'm excited, nervous, positive and scared all at the same time. It's a huge leap from just taking it easy and seeing what happens, to taking the first step on the ladder of assisted conception really. I feel like I've gone back 8 or so years when ttc my own which is very strange indeed. And of course, despite me knowing better, it almost feels like I'm saying that I can't conceive naturally, on my own. That's hurts a little. I know that neither K or B see it like that but more that I'm to be applauded for giving us all an even better chance of it working, and sooner, but there is still a part of me that feels the sting a bit.
K & B are right behind me and I know I have their full love and support, which helps so so much. I certainly can't ever of imagined myself wanting to go down this path with my previous IPs and I think that speaks volumes about the type of relationship I have with these guys.
So, medicated cycle, here we come! Eeek!
Monday 14 March 2011
Every Day Is A Learning Day
I think I've made an error, I had always assumed the last day of a + OPK was when you started the countdown to AF arriving - the following day was 1dpo. This was because in my mind, if the surge hadn't dropped to a negative level, the surge was still happening to get ovulation and the egg released and therefore, you couldn't be days past ovulation since it hadn't happened.
Now I've read, and asked amongst ttc and old ttc veterans and actually, you're meant to go from the first + OPK. This is, and it all makes sense now, because you don't peak and then immediately drop back down, it usually takes some time so the following + results are just the LH levels slowly coming back down but still high enough to trigger a + result on the OPK.
Most women stop taking OPKs once they get their first + too, whereas when you're hardcore ttc'er, you tend to keep taking them until that + turns into a -.
One site said that 'you can expect to ovulate, on average, 1.5 days after your first positive ovulation test'.
If this is true and from the sites I've looked at, I trust that it is, then my LP may not be as short as I was fearing. Which is obviously fantastic!
How crazy that all these years, I've been calculating wrong! Feeling a bit foolish but in the grand scheme of things, it has no negative effect on any outcome, it is what it is and only really matters if you consider things like blood testing after ovulation and suchlike.
Every day is a learning day, they say and it turned out to be most true for me! Just goes to show, you can never have enough knowledge when ttc.
Now I've read, and asked amongst ttc and old ttc veterans and actually, you're meant to go from the first + OPK. This is, and it all makes sense now, because you don't peak and then immediately drop back down, it usually takes some time so the following + results are just the LH levels slowly coming back down but still high enough to trigger a + result on the OPK.
Most women stop taking OPKs once they get their first + too, whereas when you're hardcore ttc'er, you tend to keep taking them until that + turns into a -.
One site said that 'you can expect to ovulate, on average, 1.5 days after your first positive ovulation test'.
If this is true and from the sites I've looked at, I trust that it is, then my LP may not be as short as I was fearing. Which is obviously fantastic!
How crazy that all these years, I've been calculating wrong! Feeling a bit foolish but in the grand scheme of things, it has no negative effect on any outcome, it is what it is and only really matters if you consider things like blood testing after ovulation and suchlike.
Every day is a learning day, they say and it turned out to be most true for me! Just goes to show, you can never have enough knowledge when ttc.
Friday 11 March 2011
Good Times
Yes, we went for it this cycle! And when I say we went for it, I mean it. See the OPKs from this cycle, I decided it would be good to start from just after AF left incase my cycle was screwy, to see what it did to my OPKs but they turned out to be textbook and as they usually are.
IFs had some time available from work and decided to book into a little cottage, attached to a B&B last Saturday and stayed until Tuesday evening. I had anticipated ovulating around the Tuesday mark but didn't know if the events of last cycle would affect that and we were therefore just playing it by ear and enjoying each others company regardless.
After a discussion between us, we decided it would be a wasted opportunity not to try and get some insems in before the + OPK, since we were all available and as such, we ended up doing a fair few of them. Think over 5, less than 10. LOL! I have to big up my IFs who did a sterling job of stepping up without apprehension or complaint.
I was a lady who lunched (a lot) during our time together which was fabulous. As a busy mum of 3, I don't often get the opportunity for much more than a takeout McD's so good food and good company, that didn't involve anyone needing their nose wiping or splitting up of fighting small people was an attractive proposition.
IFs asked if they could tag along on a trip to our (not so local!) beach on the Sunday. It's a regular thing for my family and K & B had a great time bonding with 2 out of 3 of my children and B and I had an opportunity to get closer, whilst K ran off some of his insatiable energy with the small ones.
We all went to lunch afterwards. It was rounded off with me unexpectedly falling asleep on B back at the cottage, which I later realised was due to some nasty bug I've picked up from somewhere, starting.
Monday the big + on the OPK first appeared. Bit earlier than expected but a good sight none the less. B had to return to work that afternoon (after another lunch!) and K and I held the surrogacy fort and enjoyed spending time together as we usually do. All very chilled and relaxed, just as the entire break had been.
When K also returned back to Kent Tuesday night, the smiley was still in full force on the OPK and we felt pretty smug about our timing. Little did we know that Wednesday, the smiley would still be loud and proud and that then meant poor B had to drive back to me in the evening but he did just that, despite being tired after a full day at work. Again, it was a lovely opportunity to get to bond a little more with B. We have a great relationship but it's mainly K I interact with on a day to day basis since B is manic at work, in and out of meetings and K's work schedule is far more flexible.
Cue a 6am insem the following day and we finally got to call a day on this cycle and start the dreaded 2ww off at last. The digi OPK has been negative and stayed that way for a while now so I think we can rest assured that we're done with any unexpected mad dash back to Bristol. I can almost audibly hear K & B breathing a sigh of relief!
It has been another intense cycle for us all but it's been a good one too. We've learnt more about each other and the journey. Surrogacy is such a crazy experience, I know that we've had some bumps in the road but thankfully we have such a good relationship that we move quickly to realise what might be an issue and work through it so it doesn't sour what's a fantastic match.
It was, if I'm honest, hard for me emotionally this cycle after what happened last one. I found the actual act of making the physical decision to move forward and insem again, hard. It was like finally drawing the line under what had happened and leaving what might of been behind. Yes, difficult for me and I'm sure probably for IFs too.
Still, very excited for what might be this time around and so thankful to still have my wonderful IFs by my side.
On a side note, I cannot believe this is cycle #12. It does not seem like I've been riding the surrogacy train for that amount of time.
Tuesday 1 March 2011
All Good
It's continued to be a rough week since my last post but I think slowly we're emerging the other side, thank god. So many questions, so few answers and a whole range of emotions thrown in has made for a very abrasive me and I'm sure I've not been a barrel of fun to be with lately but with good reason I think. Thankfully I'm surrounded by people who have made allowances for that and stood by my side. You know who you are. ;o)
Anyway, I've also had concerns about whether things would mess up my cycle this month and sure enough, we've been thrown some curveballs already, such as an early change in mucus and cervix, unexpected spotting and some weird + OPKs when we would least expect them. So far the digi has remained negative though so we've treated it as just a fluke thing that doesn't hold much meaning with regards to ovulation at this stage.
Hoping that end of the weekend/start of next week will signal ovulation and we can decide whether we'll be jumping back in with both feet and giving insems a go or not. It's a wait and see and then make a decision situation currently.
I spent Saturday with my wonderful IFs and we had lunch, laughed a lot and talked. It was fabulous and I know I came away from that feeling a renewed sense of positivity and it did all 3 of us the world of good.
I was due to have a repeat progesterone test this cycle but have decided, with the input of IFs, to just skip it and give all of us a rest from the added stress that that may bring. It's really not necessary this cycle in my eyes anyway as all manner of things can screw the results of the test up and after last cycle's events, I don't want to risk a false result that would only add more worry.
This week I'm focusing on the good stuff and reminding myself all the time of how very lucky I am to be where I am in my surrogacy journey and with whom too.
Anyway, I've also had concerns about whether things would mess up my cycle this month and sure enough, we've been thrown some curveballs already, such as an early change in mucus and cervix, unexpected spotting and some weird + OPKs when we would least expect them. So far the digi has remained negative though so we've treated it as just a fluke thing that doesn't hold much meaning with regards to ovulation at this stage.
Hoping that end of the weekend/start of next week will signal ovulation and we can decide whether we'll be jumping back in with both feet and giving insems a go or not. It's a wait and see and then make a decision situation currently.
I spent Saturday with my wonderful IFs and we had lunch, laughed a lot and talked. It was fabulous and I know I came away from that feeling a renewed sense of positivity and it did all 3 of us the world of good.
I was due to have a repeat progesterone test this cycle but have decided, with the input of IFs, to just skip it and give all of us a rest from the added stress that that may bring. It's really not necessary this cycle in my eyes anyway as all manner of things can screw the results of the test up and after last cycle's events, I don't want to risk a false result that would only add more worry.
This week I'm focusing on the good stuff and reminding myself all the time of how very lucky I am to be where I am in my surrogacy journey and with whom too.
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