Tired

I don't recall being this exhausted with my own children but then the situation was different, I have 3 children now whereas at most, I had 2 and was pregnant when it was my own and also I'm older now too, which I'm sure has some impact on how my body handles pregnancy.

I literally can hardly keep my eyes open lately, I'm anaemic again which is a long-standing issue and I'm taking iron tablets which I had hoped would perk me up but no such luck. It's just annoying when I want to be able to stay on top of everything but I simply physically cannot do it at the moment.

I also went through a period of morning sickness every day last week, which was not nice but that seems to of gone back to just been transient waves of nausea now which I can cope with just about.

On a different subject, I was thinking about when K and I were talking on Wednesday and how I was worried that perhaps I give too much personal experience input when we discuss all things baby related. It's difficult because having been there and got the 3 times t-shirt, some things just roll off my tongue when talking to people who've never had children but I wonder if it ever comes off as patronising or know-it-all'ish, which is never my intention.

I don't think it's helped by the fact my ex-IM had a huge problem with me knowing more than her about ttc and parenting - she said as much in her blog, ridiculous but there you go and it's silly because I know that compared to how K, B and I talk about similar things now, I hardly said 2 words to her. She always had this air of superiority around her which grated on my nerves a bit so I kept my mouth mostly shut. That's another thing I like about working with males this time around, there's no bitchiness or bitterness about another woman doing what they were unable to.

Whilst I'm getting everything out, I also wanted to say that I've been thinking about the birth. At this point, I don't know how things are going to play out because Scotland is up in the air still and that will affect decisions made about how I give birth but I've still been giving it some thought.

The labour and delivery will mark the end of my surrogacy journey really and so it's even more important to me that it goes as well as it can - when you're having your own child, the labour and birth aren't as important as the end result so even if it goes really badly, you still come out of it with something incredibly worth it whereas with surrogacy, that's not the case - my final memories will be of the labour and birth and that's it and so I want them to be as positive as possible.

I'll touch on that more at a later time but it was just something I was mulling over in bed last night - along with a million other thoughts too. Maybe that's why I'm so tired, my brain never stops processing stuff!

First Trimester

Ticked off and I'm pleased to report that all is well with the baby!

It wasn't all smooth sailing (ha, did you expect any different?) but nothing more stressful than baby not wanting to move into the position necessary to get the nuchal measurement from the back of its neck. If you could of seen what I went through physically to get baby to move, it was just comical and involved half emptying my bursting bladder, tilting of the bed to a scary head-down angle, K having to hold my thigh to stop me rolling off the bed as I rolled from one side to the other, deep coughing (not good with an already sore throat!) and oh yes, a walk around the block to encourage the stubborn one to move! It was all good though and finally, baby decided to flip and the tech snapped the measurement she needed at last.

K apparently said to B that it was like the Karma Sutra - yes it was, but less pleasurable! Honestly, there was no dignity left after having it all hanging out and being poked and prodded every which way, oh well, welcome the life of a surrogate!

K went solo for this appointment as B was tied up with something important at work which turned out to be a bit more of a shame than it already was because of the fact that we had such a long scan - it would of been lovely if he could of shared today but there will be many more opportunities and he was duly updated in detail during and after.

We saw that the baby is measuring right on track, 12 weeks exactly and all appears fine. We only had the scan and not the combined test, where they test the blood too to give you a risk for 3 of the most common abnormalities and this was due to the twin which would skew the results. The result of the scan measurement came back as low risk, we came away breathing a sigh of relief afterwards which felt fantastic, given how tense we all were.

So sweet to see such intricate things as baby's spine - doesn't matter I've seen it all before, it never fails to amaze me!

That's us done now with appointments for 4 weeks, until our next midwife appointment which I know seems a long way away given how many we've had to keep us busy during the first trimester but actually it'll be nice to just coast along for a few weeks and take a breather.

Safe & Sound

I didn't die in an aviation fireball and made it safely back from Scotland, wish I could say we had a productive trip but actually it felt pretty pointless and I'm left unsure what to do. I want to move for a variety of good reasons but I'm also a creature of habit and just don't know if we're doing the right thing. Also, being pregnant has thrown up issues such as distance from the nearest main hospital and that's adding to my list of concerns.

Anyway, baby wise, I'm feeling fine. I did have some nausea on and off whilst we were away but I think some of that was travel sickness rather than morning sickness! Not feeling as tired any more either, my worst symptoms at this point are round ligament pain and really sore boobs still - I'll take those!

I'm at that weird stage of pregnancy where you don't have the extreme symptoms you have in the first few weeks that remind you almost hourly that you're pregnant and so I almost forget for the most part that I have a baby in there.

We have our dating/nuchal scan next Wednesday so fingers tightly crossed that that goes smoothly and then we're in the 2nd trimester! Woohoo, we will of made it and not entirely unscathed but we will be very happy nonetheless.

I did have some blood test results come back last week, one has flagged up that I'm a possible beta thalessemia carrier but there's a huge question mark over that because I know I was tested in previous pregnancies and the test was negative - since it is genetic, that wouldn't be the case if this result was accurate. It's really only going to be an issue if one of the guys is also a carrier so I go for a retest next Friday and we'll take it from there. Never without drama, us!

Nothing else to report, just ticking off the weeks and hoping we can breathe a sigh of relief next week, I'll be back to update after the scan.

Baby Stealing Sanity!

I have spent most of the evening crying about stuff, it has been like Niagra Falls here and talk about not being able to make a decision....I was always indecisive but lately it has become awful.

So, it has gone midnight, it took me hours of crying and thrashing to make a decision I could of made hours ago and I am tired and have sore eyes, this baby has officially stole my sanity! Send help!

Expecting more tears tomorrow as I face my fear and get on a plane for Scotland but also as I leave 2 of my 3 children behind with Nanny - yes, I just in a fit of hormonal angst decided I absolutely couldn't leave the smallest behind (he is having attatchment issues, much like me lately) and booked him on the flight last minute. It was £137 well spent to stop the wailing- mine obviously!

Grrrrr

Back to the land of the living, well mainly! Still feeling rough, glands the size of golf balls so I look like a hamster but hopefully on the upswing.

I was worried about Parvovirus, no, not the type you have your pets vaccinated against but the B19 strain - or more commonly known as Slapped Cheek. Ironic since the midwife had only warned me about this no more than an hour before I became unwell! I could of got a blood test to confirm I had immunity already, as most adults do, but I didn't fancy getting stabbed in my one good vein for the 2nd time in as many days and I don't think it's that anyway - the swollen glands are not one of the symptoms. So worry over, it's just a viral nasty I think. Poor K & B have had a nasty tummy bug since returning home too, it's just not been a nice time since the highs of our appointments on Wednesday.

Talking about the midwife, we had a fabulous appointment with her on Wednesday, it was just nice to get the official ball rolling and made it all the more real for us. She was blatantly inexperienced with regards to surrogacy but most people are to be honest, no problem though, she did her job and asked questions and it was fine.

Except she called today. Apparently she had spoken to her supervisor and my delivery hospital who advised that they had introduced a new protocol, where surrogacy is concerned and follow specific steps. One being they have a multi-disciplinary meeting to discuss my and the babies care and how things will be handled and how my IPs needs will be met - no issue with that, that's great! But number two being they refer to Social Services routinely in this situation. Not OK, not OK at all. The midwife said they wouldn't investigate or get involved but it still means our names go into their system and will stay there, I'm not happy with that. Of course we have nothing to hide but it's the principle of the matter, why are surrogate babies deemed at more risk than other babies? Very offensive and I'm not sure how they can justify their thinking in this age of equality.

K called and spoke to her, he got some clairication on matters and is on the same page as me about it. It just doesn't seem fair or sit right with any of us.

The midwife is going to speak to the senior midwife at the hospital and get back to us but she made me feel awkward when she said 'if you refuse, you have to consider what they will think about that and why you refused', talk about damned if you do and damned if you don't! I don't care, as I said, it's the principle of the matter.

Annoying also that it's all unnecessary since I'm moving to Scotland so they are wasting their time and ours but now the issue has arose, we have to deal with it as if we were staying because my refusal will be noted and if I suddenly take off for Scotland, without having my reasons known and detailed then it will look bad on paper.

Honestly, we all could of done without that this morning! I know we'll face many hurdles during surrogacy but at only 10 weeks? I think we've had enough ups and downs already, we would just like to enjoy some plain sailing for a little while if possible.

On a happier note, we got our dating scan appointment through, 20th June. I'll be exactly 12 weeks. Because of my age, I qualify for a Nuchal scan on the NHS - hurrah to getting old! That will be done at the same time.

Looking forward to our hop up to Scotland on Sunday, although if this wind doesn't quit I'm not sure I will actually get on the plane - I hate flying anyway and the thought of being bounced around the sky in this scares me the life out of me. It's necessary though as we'll be looking at schools for the kids, a house for us and my husband has some job interviews so it's all systems go!

Also looking forward to a few lie-ins and some quiet, quality time with hubby who has been sorely neglected lately what with one thing and another.

Will update when we return!

Good News Today!

Really sick stomach bug and flu, been in bed since 3:30pm but baby all fine, saw and heard the heartbeat and it is measuring spot on!

Other baby hasn't shrunk away but we shouldn't be concerned apparently. Bit gut-wrenching seeing it on the screen again though. :o(

Midwife appointment was routine but exciting none the less!

Will do a more thorough update when am back to 100%.

Positive Thoughts Welcome!

We are having another scan tomorrow, we need to erase the memory of the horrible last scan (the experience and the news) and IFs are here anyway since it's also my midwife booking in appointment so it makes sense.

I can't get excited about the scan but if we get reassurance then that's great, I'm going off to Scotland at the weekend to sort out more move stuff and so it will give me some peace of mind for the trip hopefully.

I'll update tomorrow, keep us in your thoughts please.

Scan Update

My internet was down and that's why there was a delay in updating regarding our follow up scan but I was thankful for that in a way because I wasn't quite sure what to say.

Well, we found out that the smaller of the two babies has died. It was only 9mm, the healthy one is 23 so quite a striking difference and obviously it no longer had a heartbeat.

It’s hard though because it obviously did continue for a while because it did grow from 4.3mm,17 days ago, to 9mm on Thursday, I don’t know why but that makes me extra sad, almost like it fought that bit longer to stick but that's silly since it didn’t willingly do anything, thats down to nature.

As soon as the tech switched to blood flow ultrasound, I knew what she suspected and was looking for and I saw the lack of any colour over that area. That is actually the part that has played over again and again in my mind and gets to me every single time. I willed it to suddenly pick up some movement. The tech wasn't exactly empathetic and was very matter of fact about what she observed, it may be another day at the office to her but to us, she was delivering shattering news and the experience of how she handled that would stay with us and yet she chose to simply be blunt and cold in the delivery of the news.

Immediately my concern was for K & B, I actually felt OK at that point, which probably sounds heartless but actually was comforting to me because it meant that I’m doing a good job in separating my emotions from this pregnancy which is exactly how I want my surrogacy journey to be.

Even though we knew there was a chance that things would turn out this way because of the size difference in our last scan, we still had hope so it was definitely a sad moment. As the tech said, it happens often in pregnancy but unless you have an early scan, you would never know. I am mad at myself now for ever being so optimistic that things would be OK, I look back and think I really should of been more conservative with my thoughts.

My body will do what it will and the baby will be reabsorbed, I may experience bleeding and I may not, it’s just a wait and see thing. I’ve continued to have intense cramping again but the tech didn’t think there was a connection – whether she meant with the actual loss of the baby or as a side effect of the death, I don’t know.

Since, I've definitely noticed the level of morning sickness and tiredness has decreased. Whether that's psychosomatic or real, I don't know but it's upsetting because it reminds me that I no longer have two in there.

I’ve not experienced a confirmed loss before, having twins and Clomid twins at that holds a higher miscarriage rate anyway but I still thought that having seen a heartbeat in both and never having had a loss before, we would be OK. Nature had other ideas I guess.

We are still very thankful for the one fighter that’s going strong - that one measures spot on and has a strong heartbeat and we’re not forgetting how lucky we are to have even that. As I said to K, 9 weeks ago we didn’t even have a baby.

It does make me scared, I will admit it, it’s going to be a long almost 3 weeks until we hit the safer 2^nd trimester and I am sure that we’ll all be a jittery mess at the next scan but we just have to hang in there and have hope.

Honestly, if anything happens to the other baby....it just seems even more precious now and I feel like we’re teetering on a knife’s edge which is horrible. I never know if I should say things like that as a surrogate, I'm supposed to be eternally optimistic and not let on how I'm really feeling but perhaps it might help someone else experiencing the same to know that it's OK to think it and others do too.

I don't want the remaining baby to push my emotions to a deeper level, I'm ok with the level of detatchment I currently have about the whole pregnancy - you do not want to be fighting hard and building connections to a baby that you're going to give away. Did that make sense? I can't really explain what I mean succinctly but basically, the more you have to try for something, the more precious it becomes to you and in surrogacy, you do not want that ideally - or at least I don't.

I've gone through so many emotions, the only way I can describe it is that I feel like I'm free-falling now, not knowing where I'll land at this stage because we're still in that worrisome first trimester and as we've found out first-hand, anything can happen.

I see the guys again in 4 days for our midwife appointmentand I’m looking forward to it but having to explain what’s happened, although probably routine for her, is going to be painful for us.

I’m tired tonight which I’m sure isn’t helping either but it was my daughter’s 6^th birthday the day we found out and we had her party today and what should be a happy time has been tinged with sadness and I swing between fear, upset and anger - anger at myself, at nature and at the world in general.

I know miscarriage doesn't discriminate between who it strikes but I, probably naively, thought that it wouldn't happen to me since I only ever get pregnant and have a full-term baby, there's never been any issue and yet it has happened to me. There's the stupid blame game going on in my head at times - was it something I did, or didn't, was it something I thought, or didn't and it's crazy, I know that, I'm an intelligent person but it's all things that go through your head anyway, probably all just part of grieving I think.

No, it wasn't my baby and yes, we still have the one (for which we are all so thankful for) but that doesn't mean that I'm not feeling the same emotions as anyone else who has lost a baby. It's perhaps even harder in our situation because I'm supposed to be taking care of something so precious for others and I feel my body let me and my IPs down and also because I have nothing tangible to 'prove' I'm going through the loss of a baby - since I've not physically experienced the loss - which is a blessing to some degree but that makes closure a bit harder I think and I see people thinking that I should be grateful I am still pregnant and shut the hell up.

But, tomorrow is another day and we'll be one step closer to the next trimester…..One day at a time.