Miserable

I'm exhausted, the first trimester kind of exhausted, the walking through treacle type and it's making me miserable.

I know it's the last few days of a very long 7 week school holiday for the children and my husband has been off just 7 days during that time, which probably explains a lot of the tiredness but it's grinding me down and making me feel like an awful mother. I wake up, force myself out of bed and then within half an hour after breakfast I'm laid back down again and there I stay, alternating between zoning out and dozing if I get the chance. I go through the motions and make lunch and dinner, tidy up, put washing on, put activities out for the kids and so on but it's just the basics and I have to push myself to do even that.

Now, obviously there are days where going out is necessary, there's no way my lively children could be cooped up day in and day out but those days it is a struggle to find the energy to walk - all I am thinking about is where I can next sit down or when we can go home so I can lie down again. I have to snap out of it somehow, I honestly don't think I'm anaemic because I suffer chronic anaemia and I know what my symptoms are and they don't match this time so I'm left with the conclusion that it's just pregnancy related.

I'm so glad that I have a holiday in the planning stage for once I'm no longer baking a baby, my children most certainly deserve it and more, for putting up with grumpy mummy but it doesn't seem enough and doesn't make me feel better about the way I've been with them lately. This is the side of surrogacy that some people don't consider.

Anyway, in other news, my mum and gran left for Scotland this past week and although I felt not too bad when the big day came, it's the little things that remind me they are no longer next door and makes the sadness creep in.

I realise that I never said that we weren't officially going to Scotland so I apologise that some people have been surprised to see I'm still here but it was undecided until the last minute really - combination of the baby, my mum's house build being delayed by a month and my husband's job being too uncertain for my liking. All those combined led us to the difficult but sensible decision to postpone our move for a year but of course my mum and gran continued with theirs.

Also this week, I've given more thought to birth matters. It's just a huge decision and one that I'm not sure I can decide on my own. K & B have always said they will support me 100% in where I want to give birth and trust me not to risk my own or their son's safety when making a decision. I think in my next post, I may weigh up the pros and cons of each. Worst thing, especially for someone who likes to know in advance, is that I could agonise over this decision for weeks or months and yet it could all change in a moment and be thrown out the window! Babies eh? Who'd have 'em......