Just Thinking Things Over

I desperately want to talk to other traditional surrogates about the nitty gritty of a surrogacy journey. I'm on a couple of Facebook groups but I don't feel comfortable talking about some things and the other surrogacy sites I've seen are American ones and again, I just don't get the vibe that I could talk about certain things on there either.

I guess I could talk about it here then but there is the matter of my IFs having access here and how things I say may be perceived but you know what, I think that we know each other well enough to feel comfortable with reading almost anything about each other.

Basically, I wonder if I will always continue without feelings for this life I'm carrying inside of me. It's probably the one question most surrogates get asked 'how can you hand over a baby/.' and 'I would get too attatched'. It's a strange feeling to feel nothing, no maternal bond or connection and whilst I like it this way, I do wonder if it will last the entire pregnancy - I hope so, the thought of forming any sort of relationship scares me.

From what little I have read where other ts' have opened up, some go through a transient period of thinking of the 'what ifs' but it doesn't appear to last for most. I certainly have no desire to keep a baby conceived with a man I am not in a relationship with and don't love but the mind can make people do crazy things.

I've spent so many years preparing for this moment - being pregnant, that I think it's helped me now it's become a reality. I just think it's my time, I'm ready emotionally and mentally and that's why it all feels easy to me. It also helps that I'm not allowing myself to think about the baby growing inside of me, I don't know who's baby it is, I don't know what gender it is, I don't know what it looks like and I like that. Obviously we will find out the gender and we will see more facial features through scans as the pregnancy goes on but it's easier at this stage - it's just a nameless, faceless and basically anonymous entity.

I know once I see K & B holding their baby, all my fears will disappear - after all, I've imagined that moment for so long now, that's been my goal, I'll be crossing the finishing line finally! It is just the long road to getting there and all I've got to go through en route that makes me a little apprehensive. This is unknown territory. I would love to read more from others who've been through the same and what feelings they've experienced and how they've dealt with the emotions of the journey.

K showed me a photo of some of the baby bits that they have got so far, it made me smile, I love that they are getting to experience this and that they are preparing for their baby and I can take some credit for that milestone - I'm doing something pretty awesome, even if I say so myself.

I also wanted to discuss how it feels to essentially be alone and pregnant. I never expected or wanted anyone to hold my hand, after all I've done this 3 times already and there's nothing scary or unexpected at this stage of pregnancy but when you're having a baby for others, obviously you are alone for much of the pregnancy and when it's a rough pregnancy, you feel it a bit more I think.

Don't get me wrong, K & B text me often and they are only at the end of the phone and honestly, there's not much they could do even if they lived just around the corner but when the sickness is pummelling me (which, btw, is happening daily still) and they aren't here to help in any way, it can feel pretty lonely being the pregnant one of the trio. I do sometimes feel a bit of resentment that my life is totally turned upside down, whilst theirs is essentially the same. It is difficult sometimes to be the one suffering and it's not even for yourself. Still, I knew this when I embarked on my surrogacy journey, I just look forward to the blooming stage of this pregnancy - where I can enjoy it and balance that with getting back to some sense of normal life around here.

Had yet more trouble with our midwife, who seems to know nothing about surrogacy which is fine - many don't but don't spout utter nonsense at me, that only serves to confuse and upset! Research, ask others, read up, it's not rocket science. This time it was all to do with when handing over baby at the hospital and the rights K & B can expect in the hosptial. Honestly, I'm dreading seeing her next week and if the hospital are as strict and awkward as she's making them out to be, I'm going to be falling out with the consultant whom I'm due to see in August too. Why must they make waves and create obstacles at what is a happy time for us all? If it were with reason or purpose, I could perhaps understand but it seems it's just about ticking boxes and treating us as somehow different to any other couple having a baby. Home birth anyone?!

Gah, I'm babbling and probably not making too much sense - I admit to being tired tonight and feeling rough yet again and I'm definitely hormonal so not a good mix! I'll stop here...