It seems that the avenue of fertility assistance from the clinic, that I talked about in my last post, isn't quite the clear cut path we had envisaged, a telephone call from the specialist's personal assistant this morning made it clear that she actually didn't understand our situation at all. This is despite me making it crystal clear from the outset way back in March and in several e-mails that we have exchanged since.
Anyway, the upshot is that the specialist is on the fence about possibly treating us and given the strict laws surrounding surrogacy and treatment by clinics, I absolutely understand his hesitation to commit to anything without full knowledge, understanding and doing his own research but up until this point, he gave the impression that he fully understood our unique situation and had said he was willing (and therefore legally and ethically able, I thought) to assist us. Apparently not.
He has no problem testing us to find out if there is any reason we may not conceive but needs convincing that he can help us any further ie: ovulation induction. He worded it as 'if you can send me any useful literature...' that he can then digest and take into consideration when making a decision. This is on top of seeking advice on the possible legal implications of treating me/us in his clinic. Ugh. That's the word, feeling very ugh tonight. Probably not helped by starting Clomid today either.
I'm still as hopeful as K & B that we will conceive without the need for any further help but it's always nice, as I said in my last post, to know that you have a fall back plan. Just in case. And now there doesn't seem to be one at this point any longer which is crappy.
If I'm honest, I'm feeling frustrated. Mainly at myself, this was not how my surrogacy journey was meant to go at all. I don't think I ever had an unrealistic view, nor time frame, but perhaps I was far too optimistic along with it - considered the worst but expected the best. I don't really know.
I'm still enthusiastic and hopeful every month, I approach each cycle with the same belief - that this will be the cycle, that we'll see that much wanted BFP and I give 100% effort into trying to make that happen but it's getting harder as the months stack up if I'm honest and yes, my mind does wander to that place at times.
It's also the feeling of letting others down month after month that I find so difficult. I know I have said as much before here but it's something that doesn't ever get easier or you stop feeling, though I know logically that I can't be responsible for the failure of a cycle after doing all that I/we can to make it the opposite. And even though K & B never make me think or feel that way, it's how I feel personally anyway and that's a tough pill to swallow.
How can I give up on something, and someone (x2!), that's so important. Exactly, I can't and nor do I want to. I feel I was born to be a surrogate, it's like a vocation, a calling. If you knew me IRL, you would see how passionate and committed I am to surrogacy but, I have to have a cut off point somewhere. Where that is, I don't know and I hope I never get there and find that out but this is just so fucking hard going. I am not a patient person and being completely in the dark too month after month and left at the mercy of fate isn't helping either.
Frustrated, yeah, that's definitely what I'm feeling right now.
OK, enough of that stuff now - We've kicked a new cycle off, have Clomid already doing its job and an awesome team of three ready to kick ass and take on the ttc challenge for another month so let's GO! Cycle 6 is going to be THE cycle, right? Fingers crossed!
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