So, after the sadness, came the anger and now I'm at the meh stage. I like this stage because I've gone from being pent up and being unable to sleep, to the opposite. I slept for 12 hours last night for the first time in months and felt really good for it.
I think it's probably hard for some reading this to understand the sort of relationship I shared with K & B. It wasn't your usual surrogate/IP one and I can say that with the benefit of having IPs before them. This was so very different. Despite what K & B may say now, it was as they said many times, a fantastic relationship for the most part. Of course we had the lying which was probably the only real problem we had and yes, I know it was a major one but the rest of our match was so great that that was probably why I chose to forgive so many times in that respect.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that the relationship we shared is why it hurt so much more this time around, when it came to an end. Perhaps some may read my posts here over the last few days and think they are OTT but firstly, it's my blog and it was never meant to please anyone, I'm sorry if my posts aren't how you may handle a situation like this. Secondly, I've essentially lost 2 (what I thought were) almost best friends basically overnight and realised they were not the people I thought they were at all. Like so far removed from what I thought they were, I can't even explain in written words.
I spent a lot of time at their home, I was introduced to work colleagues, I met their family and vice versa, we had many deep conversations and shared very personal things with each other and so much more too. We would speak at least every other day on the phone for the most part and K and I were constantly texting - So, to go from that, to nothing and overnight at that, is going to be a shock.
And of course, the manner in which our parting occurred and the relevations/their actions afterwards are bound to leave even the most strong person reeling. At least my first IPs did it as kindly as possible and as far as I'm aware, never tried to trash my name and reputation and vice-versa. That's having respect for the journey you've shared and the way mature adults behave.
I have been fortunate enough to of been supported by wonderful friends and my family and have had some lovely private messages and e-mails which have been very much appreciated. It's always nice to have neutral people telling you what you already know.
For now, I am considering my options, I feel lost not ttc if I'm honest. It's very strange to be so deeply involved in all things surrogacy one minute and then not the next. I still stir at 4:45am to take my temp, before I realise, for instance and that's one thing I will not miss when I eventually get out of the habit!
I honestly think I will consider host surrogacy, if I go for it again. It just seems (no disrespect to those who disagree btw) easier. Traditional surrogacy is so intimate and you can't help but get more deeply attached than host. After all, it's your egg, it's inseminating yourself with another person's (sometimes 2) bodily fluid and the whole charting, checking cervical position and mucus etc means that it's far more intense and emotionally challenging.
Host surrogacy gives you more detachment, you still want the same thing but it's not all down to you. For instance, when I failed cycle after cycle to get pregnant, I took it personally. It was never about K & B being at fault maybe, or Mother Nature just deciding that that cycle wasn't going to be the one - for me, it was about my body failing to do what it was supposed to. I'm an intelligent lady and I know all about odds, variables and percentages but when you've got the hopes of 2 people on your shoulders, you can't help but put a lot of pressure on yourself and when things don't work as you'd hope, you blame yourself. That's not a nice position to be in and takes it toll.
So, I think host surrogacy would better suit me. I never considered it before now because of my weight really. Currently, my BMI is too high for clinics to take on, well that was what I was told when I enquired for K & B but of course, that was when I would be doing the entire IVF procedure from start to finish. This time around, it would be more simple and perhaps not such an issue. Also, I didn't think I would be able to do it for K & B because I thought I had PCOS - which I now know I don't.
My aim is to take a breather to digest what's happened with match #2, when my youngest is full time at pre-school in September, to join a gym and start the weight loss again. I actually did drop 2 stone (28lbs) when I was with K & B but I still have a way to go, it can only be beneficial to getting pregnant.
The hardest part will be taking the first steps again, putting myself out there and having to get to know a new couple all over again. Trusting another set of IPs is going to prove challenging too, no doubt. I'm not the type of person who finds making friends particularly easy and it takes a while to feel comfortable with IPs, it's a huge emotional investment from the get-go. I guess we'll just have to see what happens with time.
Even though things didn't turn out the way I had hoped and I've come out of the match bruised and wary, I still don't regret a moment of the journey and the experience it's given me. I don't hate K & B, hate is a destructive emotion and a waste of my energy. Giving up on me is their loss, I was pretty freaking fantastic - even if I say so myself. If they find another surrogate as knowledgeable, giving and dedicated as me then they really are very lucky indeed. As I said before, I wish them all the best of luck with their baby making dreams.
I haven't walked away with nothing, like some may think - I'm more knowledgeable about what I want out of a journey and have the confidence to know when things aren't right and to walk away - although I hope I don't need to. I'm in this for the long haul, I've always said that and I still have hope that I will achieve my surrogacy happy ever after.
My mantra at the moment is 'no regrets' and it's true - everything happens for a reason and this is no different.
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