The Future

Since I was forced back onto the surrogacy sites, I decided to keep my finger on the pulse and found myself checking back in on them more often than I had first planned to. Am I starting to get the bug again, the desire to find another set of IPs - I think it's perhaps a bit too early but there is nothing wrong in keeping my options open and putting feelers out there, right?

I'm not sure whether to continue on the independent route though and that's a big thing that I really need to decide upon as joining an agency takes time. I'm in no rush but if I go that route, I would like to get joined up sooner rather than later and then take the time needed to really get to know any future IPs.

I have always been anti-agency for a few reasons though. One being that I don't like the idea of a stranger coming to my home, meeting my family and then deciding whether I'm good enough or tick enough boxes to become a surrogate on their list. They require a lot of information too, I understand why but some of it actually has little bearing on surrogacy in my opinion. Who are they to judge me and what qualifies them to make that decision about me and my intentions? Second reason is because I don't like the fact they charge IPs to join, and a lot of it at that. When you consider how much IPs are having to pay out for a surrogate already, every penny counts. So, an agency is essentially a business and that doesn't sit right with me and my surrogacy views.

But, I am seeing the plus points more and more. They vet IPs (and surrogates alike), weeding some out in the process and hopefully therefore cutting down on the potential for a match to fail. And of course they do the initial legwork for you - of finding IPs and introducing you first. The last bit is particularly attractive right now as the bit I feared the most about becoming a surrogate is having to put yourself out there and hope for responses and decent ones at that. I also hate the part where you're first talking to IPs and during the course of an innocent conversation, you explain things only to have an IP go quiet on you because it wasn't what they wanted/hoped for/expected in a surrogate. This way it is all down in black and white, on your application form, from before you're even formally introduced to each other and both can make those decisions privately, without the hurt it can cause.

I like the freedom that being an independent surrogate gives you though and I think I'm pretty good at the responsibility that goes with it and the knowledge you need to cover everything correctly - after all, I've got enough experience!

I've been looking at my blog during this time too, thinking how it may appear to potential IPs. I wonder if I should cut out some posts that although represent how I felt at certain points and were written with honesty, they may now work against me in the fickle process of finding new IPs and matching. Hmmm, I would feel like I was censoring myself or trying to hide something though. Another difficult decision. I hope that any potential IPs that may read my blog, as it is currently, realise that my former IPs left me little choice but to take the action I took and that it wasn't done out of spite or to cause drama.

As I've said before, there were no hard feelings at us splitting, none at all. That happens and is their right. The problem came when I found out they had already started lining a replacement surrogate up before I had any clue they were finished with me and that they were lying about me to these women, for no reason. I hadn't done a thing to them. So yes, I hope that people see the whole picture and don't just judge me for doing what I felt was necessary here on my blog. I have always said I would be open and honest here, after all, this isn't a professional blog, it's my personal diary of my journey.

I also wonder if they will read the Clomid stuff and click off. I've been thinking on this deeply over the past few days and I'm not sure that I ever really needed it. I think I just got impatient and caught up in the momentum of K & B and was persuaded into trying it before we really knew if I did indeed require it to become pregnant. After all, I have 3 children and all without the aid of anything! Even K used to say 'we don't know if there even is indeed a problem' and he's right. Considering we also thought I had PCOS when we first matched and look how that turned out!

Of course, if I go down the route of host surrogacy, that entire issue won't matter anyway since it's not my eggs that are necessary.

Anyway, at the risk of harping on about things that are in the past, I will move swiftly on - after all, this post is talking about my surrogacy future and I really hope that there is indeed one for me out there. I really don't think I'm done here, I can't imagine failing at my dream, one that I've had for so long now - I've some unfinished business here!