Yesterday (15th) was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, it's a day I know others mark and yesterday was no different. My Facebook feed had a few statuses about it and my thoughts immediately went with my friends who've suffered a loss as always but it was not something that has particularly struck me personally. Until today when I realised that actually, I now join that exclusive club, the one that no woman or man wants to be a member of.
It's strange because I have lost a pregnancy, I have lost a baby but I haven't in the way that a lot of women have. No, I've lost something but still have something as precious and special and there's no way to logically tally the two in my mind.
Strangely it did hit me harder than I thought once it sank in that this was one anniversary that would now mean something to me on a deeper and more intimate level.
I know that K & B will now always be my fellow member too, our lives changed that bit more forever.
Of course some will say it's different for us - both because of the situation and how can I have feelings for something that was never mine but also because I am still pregnant and will (god willing) come out the other side with beautiful, much wanted and precious Boo. Nonetheless, we should of come out the other side with two beautiful, much wanted and precious Boos. It just wasn't meant to be, I'm philosophical about that but it doesn't take the sadness away that what could of been, isn't.
And so today, fashionably late, I lit a candle (well OK, a tealight but hey, I have 3 children and candles are a big no no here) for our lost baby and allowed myself a tear or two. After that, I said a little thank you to whoever is up there that we still have this baby and promised myself that I won't forget to mark the right day next year, remembering what should of been.
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