Where I am

On K's blog, which can be found here btw: http://2guysjourneytofatherhood.blogspot.co.uk , he talks a fair bit about how I must be feeling and what it's like for me - especially at this point in the journey and I guess now is as good a time as any to address that because a few people have asked me the same.

For the most part, I'm feeling mentally OK. I do have my wobbles, hormone induced I'm sure but where I wonder if I can really do this but I'm 98% sure I've worked through all possibilities - I can't be 100% sure because this is my first time after all, and I'm fine with what's to come. I know I don't want another baby and I know I certainly wouldn't ever want their baby so as far as I'm concerned, that's the most important aspect very clear in my mind and the one that some surrogates can't say hand on heart is the case for them and where things go very wrong.

I know I will feel a bit lonely afterwards, my job will be done and I won't be needed by the guys. Surrogacy has been such a huge part of my life for so long that it's bound to be strange and require an adjustment period and I'm prepared for that. Obviously I know to expect the baby blues on some level and am not afraid of them because I'm ready for that.

I'm apprehensive what he'll look like, or rather who he'll look like. I expect to see some characteristics of my own children in him but just hope not to see their face looking back at me - it might freak me out and take my emotions down a different path but again, I'm pre-empting that so I'm sure that alone will help me deal with that if it happens.

Honestly, I feel....well, fine, if I had to sum it up. Ready to do this, ready to give this baby to his daddies and ready to get my life back to how it was pre-pregnancy. I'm not quite ready to be done with surrogacy or the feeling I get when I realise just what an amazing thing I'm involved in achieving. Which leads me onto another subject that people have asked a few times lately...Will I do this again?

As regular visitors to this blog will know, I've said that I would love to do a sibling project and perhaps one other journey so 3 surrogate babies in total but never had anything set in stone in my mind. That still stands I think, I would like to give K & B a sibling for Boo but a lot depends on so many factors that that may not happen - I don't think any of us really know at this stage, or are giving it much thought, we're a little pre-occupied with other things currently!

I have been talking to a few other potential IPs and one couple does jump out at me. We've spoken a lot over the past month or so and I do feel a pull towards them, they are so so deserving. But there's a lot of uncertainty at this point because I don't know how I will fare giving birth and post-birth but thankfully they are very mindful of that and there's no pressure. Also, with moving to Scotland hopefully, that could perhaps scupper plans for a new match. It really is just waiting and seeing how things go for now. I'm in the never-say-never phase currently.

I'm trying to enjoy the remainder of this journey, it's hard when I'm so pregnant and ready for it to be over (the pregnancy, not the journey btw!) but this has been the most amazing time in my life and I'm so fortunate to share it with K & B. I love those guys more than I can express adequately and I know some out there reading won't understand that but that's ok.

Are we ready for the grand finale, guys?!