I woke at 4am feeling not quite right - you know that feeling where you know you're not fully asleep and not feeling right but it takes you hours to finally reach the peak that wakes you up? Yeah anyway, that was me this morning.
And then the bad stomach stuff started. Not fun at all when a) you're exhausted after so little sleep, b) you've a baby doing the samba in your delicate tummy, c) you can't take your usual 'go to' remedies because they aren't allowed in pregnancy and d) you are vomit phobic. Oh and e) you're all alone, with 3 small children because your husband is working as per usual.
So, I sat on the bed and tried not to cry as I paced the room - I have to say that I'm very thankful for an en-suite in our new house. I text my husband and whined at him about how awful I felt and then I took my prescribed morning sickness tablets and hoped for the best. It didn't work really so I knew it wasn't hormonal and I actually had a bug. Perhaps...
Then I laid there, tossing and turning and trying not to clock-watch until hubby would be home and I could relax knowing that I had him to calm my puking fears down and watch the children which would also reduce my anxiety. As I laid there though, I rolled over onto my left arm - onto the spot where I'd had my whooping cough vaccine, late on Friday night and the penny dropped. Could the vax be the cause of my illness? Hmm, so I naturally consulted Dr Google, who threw up (no pun intended) a ton of reputable sites which confirmed that yes, my symptoms were perhaps entirely down to the jab I'd had.
I was pretty mad I've got to say, I don't usually moan about the things I go through as a surrogate but this (and probably my lack of sleep) really got me riled up. If I wasn't pregnant, I wouldn't of had the vaccination. If I wasn't pregnant, I could of taken my usual anti-sickness/anti-diarrhoea tablets. And if I was pregnant but not a surrogate, I would be suffering for MYSELF and MY baby but this wasn't the case this time. I did mull that over a lot as I traipsed backwards and forwards to the bathroom, snatching fitful minutes of sleep between being ill and trying to referee between my 3 children - who were bored and boisterous because they'd been stuck in 2 days as I felt unwell yesterday too and all for someone else. Which set me off along the irritated and slightly angry path once again.
So, here I am, some 13 hours after being woken up - drained, in pain, still being ill and yet sat with my children, trying to engage with them and be happy mummy when all I want is to feel better first and foremost but secondly, curl up in bed and hope it passes soon. It is moments like this that I get pissed off that I'm a surrogate and my IFs aren't here suffering with me or at least doing something to actually help me whilst I recover* - no, my life goes on despite the fact that none of this is for me.
Anyway, there you have it - rantings of a sleep-deprived, sick and pretty fed up surrogate. Tomorrow I had better be recovered or else part 2 of this rant is just around the corner.
*Disclaimer - They would help me if they were closer and could and really what exactly could they do but angry rantings aren't always logical so there.
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