Meeting Date

Our hospital team meeting is on the 3rd of December, nothing like leaving it until the last minute and I'm starting to believe that this was a deliberate plan so that we have less time to complain and get anything we're not happy about changed before birth. Still, we have a date at least which is a step forward.

My community midwife is coming along, it's a learning curve for her since she's never dealt with a surrogate pregnancy before and she is my advocate which means that she's there to support me and help me to convey our wishes so I've no objections.

I had an interesting conversation with her today though where she told me that my delivering hospital don't have a policy for surrogate births, which contradicts what we were told before. And that neither hospital has dealt with a male couple surrogacy birth either.

The hospital that she is affiliated with (there are 2 hospitals in my city and I'm birthing at the other) has a general surrogacy birth policy though and so she thinks that mine will 'borrow' that one when the meeting comes around. That was a good bit of information to of gained because in my mind, if they don't have a written policy in place then how can they justify denying our reasonable requests? Exactly.

I think it's interesting that this other hospital have a written policy that states that an IM can assume all care of the baby upon birth but not an IF - what if in a normal heterosexual surrogacy agreement, the IM couldn't be there for the birth or what if she was disabled and wasn't able to care for the child and so the IF wanted to assume that role? There's zero thought for anything outside of the norm, which infuriates me. We live in changing times, gay surrogacy is going to increase and these hospitals and their hierarchy need to adjust to meet ever more diverse needs.

Anyway, her boss thinks that we will be offered a double room, which I don't have a problem with but that only the recognised father will get usual father visiting rights and not both K & B. Well, since both are the fathers of the baby in terms of parenting and we don't actually know who is the father, how are they going to dictate who has more visitation rights than the other? We may get lucky and get the midwives to care for the baby at night but that's just what my midwife thinks we could suggest, the likelihood of staffing levels or the staff themselves wanting to take that responsibility on, is pretty slim.

I can feel my midwife's frustration over the situation, she doesn't think what will probably be suggested to us at this meeting will be fair and that perhaps it will be verging on discriminatory but of course, her own personal opinion is not able to be voiced in the professional world so holds no weight, well other than being lovely for me to know.

I don't know what I think or feel, I have so much on my plate already - a probable move to Scotland before Christmas in which case, does fighting here in Bristol even matter that much? My daughter has an operation the end of this month, which is worrying me a lot, general day to day life stress and of course, the very important matter of actually continuing to grow this baby to term and then getting him safely from my womb, into his daddies arms. What happens after is of course very important to me and I do not want to give in to the power of the NHS bigwigs but really, what choice do we have? Especially so late into the pregnancy too.

We deserve to at least have our moment, to say how we feel and talk about our wishes and concerns but do I believe we'll come away from that meeting feeling happier and having found a compromise? No, not really. I guess I'm getting in the mindset already, that what will be, will be and we'll muddle through as best as we can. Doesn't mean I'm happy with it or think it's fair but it is what it is. I'm not even sure that I have that much of a problem with looking after Boo if/when either K or B have to leave the ward, in an ideal world I don't want to and shouldn't have to, but if that's what needs to happen to allow us all to finish our journey on a happy note then I'll take on that job.

The rest of the appointment went like this, all good stuff really:

• BP has crept up a little from being low, although very normal, I do hope this isn't the start of an increasing pattern.
• Boo is still breech.
• Heart rate was fine.
• Iron level is now borderline low, she said to try liquid iron and she'll retest in 2 weeks time.
• Fundal height has leapt from last week, I'm now measuring 36cms but in the absence of diabetes, they don't pay much attention to it.

 And that was it, I'll see her again in 2 weeks time, just before the hospital team meeting. I'm pretty worn out mentally from the appointment today, it was informative but just made me feel a bit sad and resigned to the fact that people don't seem to care any more. I'm sure the fact that I'm sleeping like utter crap nowadays isn't helping my mood though, tomorrow is another day and all that.