Day 11 - Musings

I have moments where the fact I have birthed 4 children hits me. I'm forever changed, I will always carry that knowledge and that's not a bad thing at all but it just catches me out a bit now. Also for the reason that I'm 33 and I've given life to 4 children - I often say I feel every year of my 33 years but when I think about this, I can't believe it as I feel too young to have done so. I know, I'm rambling but it's just what was whirring around my head today.

I spoke to my community midwife today and am due to see her tomorrow to get signed off. I've photocopied all my notes and am ready to hand my coveted yellow folder over for good. I'm sure that I'll feel a bit of a lump in my throat, that was one of the things I loved when I first found out I was pregnant - that I would get another yellow folder, I would (finally) belong to the pregnant club once again! Ha, I'm so sad I know.

I don't know what surrogacy direction I'm going to take next. Despite all that's happened this past week, I still have this strange yearning to be a pregnant surrogate again and although I miss it, I'm not daft enough to make any rash decisions - heck, I'm not even 2 weeks post-partum! But, where do I go next is a question that has crept up on me these past few days....I don't want to be essentially a commercial surrogate, doing it for the money and would hate to ever be seen in that light - I never wanted to populate the world, I just wanted to make a bit of a difference and even if I stop at Oli, I think I've done just that.