Day 1 - Beyond Birth

Baby Oliver George arrived! 7lbs 10ozs of him, at 21:53 on the 10th of January 2013.

Since my waters had broken almost 42 hours before his birth, we had to all stay in for 24 hours worth of observations, to be monitored for infection. My waters had definitely broken, despite the doubters and this was made even more obvious by the fact that when they put the fetal monitor on his head, they didn't have to break my waters, the fact he was almost clean when born and that there was no gush of fluid at any point during the labour or delivery. It is very scary how things could of turned out differently had the midwife who committed to saying it was my waters, hadn't of done so - baby had already been without full waters for a long time by that point and I could of been sent home to await the induction appointment the next day....I appreciate it can be difficult if it's not clear cut and to all but a couple of professionals, it wasn't so I can't hold too much of a grudge I guess.

Anyway, so upon birth, baby had lots of skin to skin with K which was just the sweetest sight! It was beautiful to witness him and B bonding with their son, I could see the utter bewilderment on their faces that he was actually here and so completely perfect.

I didn't need any stitches, I had a tiny tear from where Boo had his hand up against the side of his face and his finger nail (long one, since he was overdue) had scratched me. Boo also had meconium on him but this wouldn't present an issue since it was a) not much and b) he would be observed for infection for 24 hours anyway already.

The midwife who had delivered him had stayed on past the end of her shift to do so, she had said she wanted to see the end of the labour. It was such a sweet moment, with her and the assisting (now relief) midwife giving us all huge squeezes. I remember them both telling me how amazing I was, what a special and strong lady I must be. It was just words but they literally crushed my heart with pride upon hearing that - for these ladies, who see babies arrive every day, parents with stories to tell about how they had got to that moment, to then single me out with such warm and kind words was just fantastic and made me soar high. I will honestly remember them forever.

We had tea and toast in the delivery room and I was given a wash over by the assistants. The boys dressed their baby (they did very well btw - I was impressed with their speed and confidence!) and gave him his first feed. B called his Mum to tell her of the arrival and had her on speakerphone - to hear the elation in her voice was so lovely, it was another reminder of just how many people my one act can touch.

We were very fortunate that they did indeed find us a private room up on the ward, just as they had said they would try to do and within an hour or so, we were moved upstairs. The midwife who had helped assist in Oliver's arrival gave me a huge squeeze one again, uttering yet more sweet words in my ear and with that we went upstairs.

The 3 of us had already decided that K would stay overnight so once B got us all seen to our room and settled, he kissed us all goodnight and then it was just us. We were all exhausted but couldn't switch off from the high, we watched Oliver in his cot. K just beamed with pride and was such a good Daddy from the start, he expertly and swiftly changed nappies, fed and winded his son with such a gentle touch and so much pure love.

We had been told K would be given a chair to sleep in but didn't quite anticipate that it would be literally a chair. A hard chair. No recline feature. Nothing. In the end, K slept on the hard floor with 1 blanket, 1 pillow and his jumper under his head. He must of been so uncomfortable, I felt truly bad to be laid in a comfy bed but I don't think it really mattered to him because he was there with his baby and it was just a mere inconvenience. Besides, as I said, we didn't get much sleep anyway! We talked, well so tired, we actually mumbled through conversations - it was nice, we bonded and shared special moments with Oliver. It was truly as lovely as I thought it would be and I'm glad we were able to do it. If we'd had an early morning (and drama free) birth we would of been discharged without that opportunity.

I didn't feel anything towards Oliver though - I couldn't believe how perfect he was, I loved watching him sleep and hearing him snuffle but there was no emotion or bond forming towards him. It was as it should of been. I do have to say now I've been there, that I don't understand when surrogates say they have a 'high' after delivery. I never felt that, I never felt elated, I never felt anything other than peace I suppose. Complete. Happy the job had been done safely perhaps? But no, not a high or a feeling of 'let's do that again!'

Anyway, back to our first night. So, both Oliver and I had obs done throughout the night and all were stable. Around 2am, I started to feel pain in my tummy and assumed it was because I needed to empty my bladder - I hadn't had a catheter since around 7pm and had been given a lot of fluid during labour and was completely and totally numb from the pelvis down from the epidural so it made sense it could be my bladder's way of crying for some attention. I called the nurse who asked if I could walk yet, which I couldn't so she got me a bedpan. I couldn't feel anything to even be able to let go and well, go. So it didn't work but she said to give it a little longer and I probably would be able to do so once things started wearing off more.

She was wrong. The pain continued to get worse and I tried so hard not to complain but it go so bad around 3am that I buzzed the nurse and asked for some painkillers and she asked which I wanted - codeine or plain paracetamol. As readers know, I avoid taking even paracetamol because I am panicky about side effects but this should tell you how much pain I was in when I asked her which was strongest and took that one, yep codeine. She also said she would get help and try and get me to the toilet so I could attempt to empty my bladder again - incase that was the cause. Except she took forever to come back and I was almost crying, K was beginning to get concerned by the level of pain and went looking for her. Thankfully she did eventually come and between her, me and another midwife, eventually we got me into the en-suite in our room and gravity did its job. Let me tell you, it was definitely my bladder yelling at me because I have never ever seen so much liquid come from one person. LOL. Aaah, the relief. Well, from that and the codeine kicking in anyway.

Back in bed, in the throws of a drug induced haze and with, strangely for the middle of the city, a cockerel crowing outside, both K and I went quiet and decided we really must get some rest and turned over to snooze. We probably only got about 2 hours I think - I recall K breathing deeply during that time so think he got some good power-napping in too and we were all woken around 6am when another set of obs was due.

Still not able to believe Oliver was here, K and I blearily sat and ate some tea and toast for breakfast. Him attending to baby and me just watching from the sides. I hadn't held Oliver until this point - I almost didn't trust myself from the epidural effects, the codeine effects, lack of sleep clumsiness and just not wanting to feel attached but K needed his hands free for something, so I offered mine. As Oliver was placed into my arms for the first time, I felt still no emotion. He was the cutest ever but he didn't look anything like me or any of my children - instant relief. That had been a big fear of mine. Phew. He was gorgeous and baby like and lovely and I cooed genuinely but no, no bonding went on and I handed him back to his rightful owner without any tug of emotion.

9am came and B arrived, his turn to spend time with his son and bond and K's turn to think about getting some rest or at least a shower back at the hotel. B took to it like a duck to water, taking care of Oliver's needs and giving him lots of skin to skin when his temperature was slightly low. It was so lovely to witness, it really confirmed what I knew all along - they would make fantastic parents.

Oliver had his first paeditrician check up on the ward and passed. He will need a 6 week ultrasound of his hips because he was breech for so long and because both my sister and I had clicky hips at birth. There was an awkward moment trying to explain to the doctor who needed to be informed to make that referral happen but we got there in the end.

B and I tried to relax and chill out during the morning, it was a day of waiting for obs to remain stable and hopefully get discharged late evening. I was by this point so tired, everything was hurting a lot to be honest and I was starting to get tearful and anxious. Thankfully my wonderful husband was able to visit mid-morning and that was just what I think I needed - some familiarity and some personal support, from someone who knows me best.

I also had a visit from an anaesthetist who asked me about my epidural experience and my pain level now. It was no surprise to hear her say she saw a bruise on my back, I felt it! Ouch, another part of me that was incredibly painful. :o(

A highlight, perhaps sad of me but still, was to read all the support and love and well wishes on Facebook about our news! It was so lovely to read how thrilled people were for us and how many people had been following our journey. It kept me going as I hit refresh, trying to stay awake and trying not to concentrate on the pain I was feeling everywhere. Even more lovely to read the sweet comment from the new Nanny on there, for me. Really helped boost my spirits!

I received so many thoughtful private messages, asking me how I was doing, offering a listening ear if I needed it, and congratulations again even if I didn't. I didn't have the energy (or answers to that question at that moment) to answer but it helped to keep buoyant when I was starting to flag after a long night and an even longer day ahead.

There had been talk they may skip the final 24 obs, at 10pm and we could leave after the 6pm ones but then the midwife looking after me confirmed that no, the doctor said we must complete all of them. We understood but were a bit disappointed. None of us wanted to stay in another night, just because it was going to be so late - there would hopefully of been no clinical need to since we knew we had both been stable all day so far but still.

So, we were given the choice. Wait and be discharged after those last obs or stay another night. It was difficult because my husband was home with the 3 children and if he came to get me, it would mean bringing them all out at 10:30pm at night. My children really wanted to meet Oliver that day but bringing them in early and staying overnight wouldn't of worked as they would of been upset to of had to of left the ward without me coming and yet they couldn't meet him upon discharge, that time of night as it just wasn't practical at all. Lots of consider. And of course, whether K and B wanted to stay overnight or not.

In the end, it was me who said I had to get out of the hospital. I had just reached that point where I needed some space and my own bed. I think the guys felt the same. We love each other but it's an intense situation to find yourself in, just having given birth, to be sharing the same small room with that baby - that isn't yours, and with 2 first-time parents. Throw in a whole lot of pain, a whole little amount of sleep and it's not a good mix for anyone. I admit I cried a lot as I walked the hospital corridor and took a shower - watching the clock tick and counting down until we could leave. Our midwife saw me and I know she knew I had been crying, despite lots of cold water and deep breaths it must of been still so obvious.

It was hard also to get any space to myself because we had been told that because I was the legal parent and the guys aren't, I couldn't leave Oliver with them or go anywhere without him at all. Thankfully one midwife was a bit less strict at the end of our stay and I was able to step outside the ward for a few minutes and gather myself and my thoughts. It was a sharp reminder though that just having a baby and handing it over doesn't absolve the surrogate of responsibility at that point - there's a lot of things the IPs cannot still do or authorise - such as when the midwife arranged for K & B to get a midwife visit at their hotel, I would need to give consent for any tests for Oliver over the phone for instance. These are things that you don't consider as a first-time surrogate or IP because you've never been there before to know - hence writing it here, hopefully it may help another first-timer know what to expect.

I had to go through some official stuff for discharge and so did K and B. I left them alone for their talk with the midwife and when it was my turn, she knew I was fragile and so K and B were gently and sensitively guided out for a wander whilst we had it. She asked me, with such care if I was OK and that opened the flood gates again. I straight away told her it wasn't Oliver, it wasn't the guys, it was me. I was tired, in so much pain, missed my own children and just wanted to go home. I perhaps should of mentioned earlier in this post that this same midwife, who was caring for me and Oliver that day, was a school friend of mine! We were in the same class. She recognised me that morning and came and asked if I was OK with her looking after me, to which I said of course! It was nice to reminisce with her briefly at that time but when we sat in the room and she asked me how I was feeling and genuinely seemed to care about the answer, it felt so comforting to have a familiar face there. We chatted more, she enquired about my surrogacy journey and had never dealt with a surrogate birth before and I asked her about her life and it was just a bit of normality in an otherwise crazy and surreal day.

Anyway, that done, we waited with baited breath on those final obs, the midwife said she would make sure my injections (remember I have to have 6 weeks worth of blood thinners, to prevent clots) were ready, the notes were completed and we could leave upon confirmation of hopefully normal final readings. Which we thankfully got at 10pm and with that - we were given the nod to go!

My husband arrived and the guys armed with bags, me with medicines and oh yes, them with a newborn baby - we all headed out of the hospital and exchanged hugs and with that, went our separate ways with a promise to speak in the morning.