Day 4 - Digesting

My sweet husband said this to me this morning, as I was saying about how going around the supermarket this morning, no-one would have any clue what I've just done in life..

I admit to having to try very hard not to cry when he said that - it's very fitting and although I wouldn't necessarily call myself a hero, let alone a superhero, it does mean that some people make a massive difference in their lives and yet are the unsung ones.

Anyway, I woke up with the same pounding headache I went to bed with, which concerned as my BP had been higher than I'd of liked when checked on Saturday. I hadn't slept at all well because I didn't take any codeine last night as we went to bed late and had to be up early for the school run. I think the headache therefore had a lot to do with that, and the awful weather we're having which always causes me pressure head pain.

And the boobs are continuing to give me grief, they throb and are so hot, lumpy, painful and hard. I recall hating this with my own children so it's hardly any surprise it is really annoying me now. I have them tightly encased in a soft bra which helps somewhat and the breast pads are definitely needed now - hopefully it won't be for too long and it helps that I don't have a baby nearby as that would just prolong the process.

Injectionthis morning was super stingy, I was not happy. Hubby said he did nothing differently so I don't know why, perhaps he injected an already sore spot or a lumpy bit of skin or something. I don't know but it bloody well hurt and didn't help my mood any.

The mystery of whether I would see a community midwife today was solved when my usual midwife called early this morning to say that the other one was off duty after a home birth during the night and she gave me the option of going to the clinic to see her for a check or she could come to me instead. I really saw no need for her to visit me at home, since I don't have a baby to prevent me from easily getting to clinic so I popped up to see her. It was nice, to be able to tie up the loose ends from the last time she saw me and she had the student midwife with her who I saw at both appointments when my waters had broke too and I think she appreciated seeing me post-delivery too - it's probably her only experience of surrogacy so far so it's nice to know I played a tiny part in her training experience in that respect.

My BP has lowered so that was a relief to know and that means the headache is probably just hormones, stress and tiredness. I've continued to have it all day though, which combined with the other post-birth ailments has been a bit irksome.

In other news - I'm off to Scotland tomorrow morning for a few days - it was a bit of a rush decision, ie: made this afternoon but my husband has been officially offered the job he interviewed for way back in October when we last visited! Very happy because jobs up there are few and far between and this one is very stable and secure and has an excellent salary too. With the start date now mere weeks away, we felt it was important we go up asap and scour for houses and get that side sorted so that we know where we'll be living in advance and the children can visit the school they will move to also. A bit nervous to be travelling so far, so soon after giving birth but all appears to be going well. My main concern would of been blood clots given my history of a probable clot but the Clexane I'm already on will prevent that and keep me safe. It may be nice to put some space between me and home, give me a change of scenery for a few days.

I can't believe it's only 14 days into 2013 and so much has changed and is going to be changing for me already. I am worried that once this whirlwind move is over and life goes back to complete normality and I've nothing to focus on at all then that it will all catch up on me and I'll sink into a funk or something but that's the worrier in me - how likely is that to happen? If it even begins, well, I'm pre-empting it so will be able to seek help in some way before it gets to that point; I can't live my life on a maybe, that much I've learnt!

I ventured to school today, to pick the children up. First opportunity since the birth and something I was a bit worried about doing because I knew people would ask how I was (or even worse, where the bump/baby was!) and I wasn't sure I could handle it so soon but actually, only 3 asked directly but more acknowledged me and the lack of bump, with a smile. Those who did ask, I was able to answer without tears..progress?! 1 did ask me 'are you really sure you're OK?', complete with furrowed concerned brow and I did get a knot in my stomach but answered truthfully when I replied that I was. I just feel glum because I'm no longer needed in that special way. It's because no-one is reliant on me and my body, because I have no appointments, because I have nothing special about me, because I've gone back to being simply 'me' and not me, the surrogate. Summing that up - it's because I'm not pregnant - that's it, I loved being pregnant as I've said before and now I'm not I'm sad and without direction.

I wish I could explain it better but I can't. It's a strange mixture of feelings and thoughts and unless you've been here too, you can't get what it feels like. Not even K and B can truly understand because it's a woman/maternal/post-birth/hormone thing and so even when they ask how I am and I explain and they try and sympathise and support - it's really without true understanding but not for the lack of trying I'm sure. I think that bit is hard because I want people to be able to say 'oh totally, yes, I felt the same' and no-one can so I am stumbling alone through the days and hoping that what I'm feeling is normal and that things will change but in reality, I'm scared that's not true and then I worry that I'm working myself up and making things bigger and deeper than they need to be.

I still don't miss Oliver, when I see pictures of him though it does feel awkward and part of me gets a jolt in my heart a bit. I just hope that in a week or so, he doesn't start to look like me or my children as that scares me a bit. It won't change that he's not mine and nor will it change that I don't want him - that much I'm sure of still but it will perhaps be a bit of a challenge mentally to get to grips with and it does play on my mind. As with all things surrogacy, as a first-timer, it's a wait and see situation and not something I can foresee - hopefully it won't happen so will not be an issue. Scotland will definitely help distract me and especially seeing my lovely mum and grandmother.

Day 4 almost done, bedtime is here and tomorrow is another day...Deep breaths.