Day 3 - Hard One

Today has been the hardest so far.

I woke up after a great sleep, still far too early as my son had rugby early this morning but still, pain free from the codeine effects and better for the first decent nights sleep in a good few days.

Then again life kicked in - the children bickered like always, the toys were flung on the floor, the washing up piled up in the sink and I felt yet again like I should be like nothing had happened and just throw myself back into life as before and yet I didn't want to.

Injection done again by hubby and thankfully no sting this time. We still can't figure out what he did differently but both today have been pain free for the most part so that was a small highlight in an otherwise mundane day!

We didn't do much today, I lounged around. Less tears to begin with, apart from when K & B's midwife called (as expected) to get consent for a blood test for Oliver. She was sweet, she enquired how I was but it was just a realisation that I hold so much power over something I don't actually have. I don't want it at all but it's just strange to be reminded of it.

Late this afternoon we popped over to see my mother-in-law for an hour, for a breath of fresh air. She asked about the birth and we talked about it briefly - as I've said before, she's very laid back about the surrogacy thing and was asking genuinely but I kept that talk short and it's more because every time someone asks the one question 'how are you doing?' that I cry. I don't know what it is about that question but it sets me off every time. I guess I'm trying hard not to think about how I'm doing. I know I'm OK - as in, I know what they are thinking 'is she really OK after handing him over' and I am but I prefer not to think about it too deeply just incase, just incase there is a trigger I may pull that may completely turn me being OK on its head. No, I'm alright, I truly am and that silly question is just my hormonal trigger I think. Once hormones have settled, it won't set me off any longer I'm sure.

So, yes, back to less tears overal - well, until I realised that my boobs were giving me clues that my milk has begun to come in....

Oh man, they hurt. They are huge. And despite the fact I knew it was coming and that I have still not had any feelings of sadness that I don't have a baby here, it made me sad. Cue lots of tears. It's all hormonal, I don't even know why I'm crying, it just happens and then it stops as quick as it arrived and I go on about things as before. I anticipated this so I just remind myself it's hormonal and let it blow its way through.

Pain wise, it's been a better day - apart from the headache I have had all day that's been pretty awful. BP check definitely on the agenda tomorrow. The bruise on my back is starting to fade and I'm doing better, not great, I'm still shuffling but it's improving slowly.

K & B headed home today, they've been very sweet at keeping in contact with me and checking up on me - just as they said they would when I was still pregnant. I know it's hard for them too, as they adjust to a different life and as our relationship shifts to different dynamics. I don't know how I'm supposed to fit in or react - if they ask me if I'm OK, do they really want me to be honest? Or do I act like all is fine so as not to cause them any sadness or guilt? I usually go with honest. And then spend the next hour worrying that they didn't really want or need to know...Gah, hormones!

So yes, they headed home carefully and slowly with their precious cargo on board and straight to the new Nanny and Granddad's house to show their beautiful baby off. It is things like that that I love hearing, it makes me feel so happy that I've had a part in creating that opportunity or that moment. I hear both grandparents were as over the moon as we knew they'd be and there were lots of cuddles going on.

This evening, life continues to slowly move along for me. Sore boobs, painful back, aching uterus, throbbing headache but nothing outwardly to others has changed - they see me, bump less, they have no idea I've just had a baby or of the massive thing I've just achieved and that's a hard reminder. There's no attention in real every day life, there's no-one waiting with a huge smile for me to show off what I've just been through to have, there is no bunting or changing of profile pictures on FB. No, quietly life has slipped back to normal now Oliver is here and it's going to take a while to adjust to mentally. I'm not depressed or a wreck, I just feel a bit lost. A bit lonely. It's going to be OK though, I know that this too will pass. Just gotta keep swimming....just keep swimming.